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go to the one hundred and thirtyninth set of Jewish jokes
This is the one hundred and thirtyeighth set of Jewish jokes
(#2260) Cut down on everything
Morris, not the brightest of men, is getting older. He has just turned 70 and is beginning to moan regularly about all his aches and pains. So much so that he is driving his Sarah crazy. One morning, she angrily says to him, "I've had enough already with hearing about all your pains, Morris. I keep on telling you - go see a doctor."
To her surprise, Morris at last makes an appointment and goes to see Dr. Levy.
When he returns, Sarah says, "So nu? Tell me what the doctor said already."
"Well after checking me over," replies Morris, "he said that for a man of my age, I was in pretty good condition."
"Mazeltov," says Sarah. "Is that all he said?"
"No, that wasn't all," replies Morris. "He also said that I had a small heart condition."
"Oy veh Morris," cries Sarah, "I knew it. You're going to die. What'll I do? Where's my money going to come from? How am....."
At that, Morris interrupts and says, "Shush, Sarah. Don't panic. Dr. Levy said I was going to be OK as long as I cut down a little on everything. Especially on things such as drinking, eating, arguing, and the like.
"Well that should be easy for you to do," says Sarah. "I'll help you to cut down on these things."
"But that wasn't all Dr. Levy said," continues Morris. "He said I should also cut down on love making. He said that for a man of 70, semi-annually should be enough. So tell me, Sarah, How many times a week is semi-annually?"
(#2261) Did I lie to you?
Isaac goes to his shadchen and says, "I must complain about that date you set up for me last week."
"Oy!" says the shadchen. "So didn't your date with her go well?"
"Going well had nothing to do with it," replies Isaac. "I trusted you to find me a girl who closely matched all my needs."
"I thought I had," says the shadchen. "You asked for someone with beauty, intelligence and a love of music. Someone brought up in a well-respected family. Am I correct?"
"Yes, that's correct," replies Isaac.
"So wasn't she as beautiful as I said she was?" asks the shadchen.
"Yes," replies Isaac, "she was very beautiful indeed."
"And wasn't she as intelligent as I said she was?" asks the shadchen.
"Yes," replies Isaac, "she was very clever indeed."
"And wasn't she a brilliant pianist as I said she was?" asks the shadchen.
"Yes," replies Isaac, "she played Chopin exceedingly well."
"So what's the problem, then?" asks the shadchen. "I'm confused."
"My problem," replies Isaac, "is all to do with the well-respected family requirement. You told me that her father was no longer alive. But I discovered that this is not true. He has been in jail for the past 5 years for fraud."
"Nu? So did I lie to you?" says the shadchen. "Surely you wouldn't call that living?"
shadchen: a professional marriage broker
(#2262) I'm going under
[My thanks to Jay for the following]
29 year old Arnold comes down for breakfast one morning after experiencing a fantastic night out. As soon as he sits down, he says to his parents, "Mum, Dad, you'll be pleased to hear that I met a fantastic girl last night. And I was so captivated by her beauty and charm that by the end of the evening, I could clearly see in my mind her and me under the chuppah. At last your son has found someone. What do you think of that, eh?"
His father replies, "Well, Arnold, it sounds like something is happening at last. But it's important for you to marry someone who has the same belief as the family."
"But dad," says Arnold, "why would I want to marry a girl who thinks I’m a shmuck?”
chuppah: wedding canopy
shmuck: a stupid person; a penis
(#2263) Front of the queue
Whenever it's time for Hanna's little boy to go to bed, she always tucks him in and says to him, "bubbeleh, darling, if there's anything you want during the night, darling, just call mummy and I'll send daddy in."
bubbeleh: term of endearment (like dear, pet, honey)
(#2264) Report required
Sharon is broyges. She firmly believes that her Emanuel is seeing another woman. So she goes to a detective agency and tells the manager everything she suspects about Emanuel's affair, at the same time painting an unflattering picture of him.
"I'm sorry to hear all this," says the manager. "So what help would you like from us?"
"I want you to get your best agent to follow that shmo of a husband of mine and his shiksa day and night for the next month. And then I want your agent to prepare a detailed report for me on what that shiksa sees in him."
shmo: a fool
shiksa: a non-Jewish woman
(#2265) The accident
[My thanks to Peter M for the following]
4 year old Gary goes to the toilet to pishen. But while in there, he doesn't concentrate on what he is doing and somehow lets the toilet seat slam down on his petseleh. He instantly screams out in pain and runs to his mother Sarah, crying out loudly.
When Sarah hears what has happened, she hugs and kisses Gary and says to him, "Oh my poor little bubbeleh."
"Oh mummy, mummy," sobs Gary, "please make it well again ... please kiss it better for me ... oh please, please kiss it better ... I'll love you for ever if you do."
With a deep sigh, Sarah replies, "Oy veh! you sound more and more like your father every day."
petseleh: little penis
(#2266) Good marriage advice
Morris is giving some advice to his newly married son. "David," he says, "my one piece of advice to you is this: as you go through life with Sarah, never ever criticize her faults."
"Why do you say this, Dad?" asks David.
"Because it might have been these faults of hers, these little imperfections, that luckily for you prevented her from getting a better husband."
(#2267) Friendly advice
Isaac meets his friend Arnold and can't help noticing how tired he looks. "Arnold," he says, "I hope nothing is wrong with you - you look, please excuse me for saying so, you look a bit of a wreck. Is anything the matter? Can I be of help?"
"It doesn't surprise me at all, Isaac," replies Arnold. "I haven't had a good night's sleep for months."
"Oy veh, Arnold," says Isaac, "that's not at all good. You must try to relax more. And not only that. You must never, ever take your troubles to bed with you."
"I couldn't agree with you more," says Arnold. "But unfortunately, I can't do anything about it. Mine Rachel refuses to sleep on her own."
(#2268) How to separate
[My thanks to Alex S for the following]
Moshe remarries, but as the years roll by, he feels less and less happy about his marriage to Golda. Then one day, while they are having breakfast, Moshe plucks up enough courage to say to her, "Golda, I really can’t see much point in continuing with this marriage of ours. We are always arguing and I'm suffering a lot of stress as a result. Let's call it a day and get divorced."
“No, no, no," shouts Golda, "absolutely, 100% not. I was a widow when I decided to marry you, and the only way I will agree to leave you is by becoming a widow again."
(#2269) The special birthday present
[My thanks to Hilary for the following]
It will soon be her grandson Paul's 8th birthday and Hetty decides to go to Hamleys, the world's largest toy shop, to buy him a suitable present. But two hours after entering the shop, and after seeing what seems like thousands of toys, games, construction sets and items of electronic equipment, Hetty has still not found what she believes to be the perfect present for her Paul.
"Madam," says her salesman, wearily, "how about an exciting video? Or what about an educational game?"
"No, they're not really what I'm looking for," replies Hetty.
So they continue to wander up and down the aisles, floor after floor, looking for the right present. Then, at last, Hetty sees something that she's certain will meet her needs. It's a large scale battle tank with a noisy high pitched electric engine, laser guns that emit explosive sounds, bright flashing lights when the tank is played with in the dark, and six soldiers inside the tank, each of which loudly shouts out various instructions, warnings, cries for help, etc.
"That's it!" Hetty shouts out with a wide smile on her face. "That's it! That's the perfect present for my bubbeleh Paul."
"How do you know that?" asks the salesman.
"Because not only will it give naches to my boychick Paul," replies Hetty, "but also, my daughter-in-law Carolyn will be broyges and will hate the toy to bits."
bubbeleh: term of endearment
naches: pride, pleasure, good fortune
boychick: young boy, bit of a lad
END OF THIS MONTH'S NEW JOKES
The following are not Jewish jokes, so you don't have to read any further.
But if you are willing to read on, I would like to tell you two stories relating to holiday events that actually happened to my wife and I over the last 20 years or so.
I hope you will find them amusing (but you don't have to!)
Our plane had just landed at London Gatwick airport and was slowly taxiing towards its arrival Gate. As our hand luggage was in an overhead locker two rows behind me, I decided to be ready to get up and retrieve our hand luggage as soon as the plane had stopped and before the hordes of passengers on nearby seats all got up and converged around me. Clever me!
So as soon as the plane stopped at its gate, but before the plane had shut down its engines, I quickly undid my seat belt and got up. No one else had yet got up because the seat belt sign had not yet been turned off. But then suddenly, the plane lurched forward a very, very tiny bit, but it was enough to cause me to severely struggle to keep my balance. All those seated around me, including a stewardess, saw how I nearly fell over. The stewardess immediately got onto the Tannoy and announced to the whole of the plane, "Did you see what just happened to that gentleman? That's exactly why we ask you all to stay in your seats until the engines are switched off and the seat belt buckle sign is switched off."
Oy, was I embarrassed! And I have never repeated this stupid action.
Then there was the time my wife and I were flying to Italy. We had been allocated the 2 seats near the window and we were wondering whether anyone was going to take the single aisle seat next to us. We thought we were going to have the three seats to ourselves, but then, right at the last moment, a very large Muslim lady wearing her full length white gown came waddling down the aisle towards us and we realised that she was going to be our companion on the flight. We had no trouble with this arrangement other than the fact that my wife and I like regularly getting out of our seats to stretch and exercise our legs in the aisle. Our companion, being so overweight, would probably not like having to get up regularly to let us out. So quick as a flash, I put on my best smile and asked her whether she would like the window seat. To our surprise she said she would love it. So we exchanged seats and our 'problem' was solved.
But we forgot something which caused all three of us to burst out laughing. When our in-flight meals were being served, the stewardess came to our row, leaned over to our companion in the window seat and said to her, "Here you are madam, here is the kosher meal you ordered." I had forgotten that my wife and I had ordered kosher meals for this flight. And the stewardess did not know that we had altered our seating arrangements. Oy, was I amused!
I'm also pleased to say that this lovely Muslim lady and my wife and I got on very well together for the rest of the journey and we were almost sorry when it was time to say goodbye.
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