(#2250) Mid life crisis
50 year old Fay is talking to her best friend. "I think I've reached that mystical thing, Rose, they call the mid-life crisis."
"Why do you say that?" asks Rose."
"Because I was talking to my son Paul the other day and he just didn't seem to be listening to me. All he seemed to be doing was concentrating on his precious J-phone, or is it an I-phone, I don't know? He was continuously staring at the phone's screen, pressing one part of the screen after another, talking to himself, and fiddling with various buttons. I just couldn't get him to look up at me. It was just as if I didn't exist. And it was then that I said to myself, "And for this, Fay, it was worth getting stretch marks for?

(#2251) Latest Chanukah present
[My thanks to Al for the following]
Have you heard about the latest Chanukah present for girls? You haven't? Well, it's a Jewish Mother Doll. When the string on her back is pulled, it says loudly, "Again you pulled my string?"

(#2252) A question for the rabbi
[My thanks to BMS for the following]
Moshe goes to see his rabbi and asks, "Rebe, if you had a choice between having five million pounds or five lovely daughters, what would you choose?"
Without a second's hesitation, the rabbi replies, "That's an easy question, Moshe, I'd choose five daughters."
"So Rebe, why would you choose having five daughters?" asks Moshe.
"That's an easy choice for me, Moshe," replies the rabbi, "I already have eight daughters.

(#2253) Conversation on a tube train
Jeremy is not liked by most of his fellow students. They call him 'the scourge of the elderly' because he's always looking for opportunities to start a conversation with someone with grey hair so that he can end up ridiculing him. Today, Jeremy is on a tube train and next to him is David, a senior citizen with thick white hair. Jeremy looks at David and says, "excuse me for pointing this out, but I find it impossible for my generation to understand your generation."
"So what seems to be the problem?" asks David.
"Well," replies Jeremy in a voice loud enough so that everyone nearby can hear, "your generation obviously grew up in a totally different world to the one we live in today. Today we live in a world of computers, the internet, smart phones, wind farms, nuclear power, 200mph racing cars, satellite television,  3D films, superfast passenger planes, space travel, hybrid cars, medicines to cure almost any disease, and ....."
At this point, David interrupts and angrily and loudly says, "You're absolutely right, sonny boy. When I was younger, we certainly didn't have all those things you've just mentioned. So guess what we did? We invented them, you little schmuck! So please tell me, just what are you lot doing for the next generation?"
At this, a great cheer goes up from the other passengers.

(#2254) My new girlfriend
[My thanks to Emmanuel for the following]
During a regular early morning shul service, Rabbi Levy couldn't help noticing 21 year old Benny sitting at the back of the shul looking very sad. He had his head in his hands. So at a convenient moment, Rabbi Levy goes over to him and asks, "What's wrong, Benny? Tell me. Maybe I can help."
"Oh rabbi," replies Benny, "I just don't know what to do for the best. Every time I bring a new girlfriend to my house and introduce her to my parents, no matter how wonderful the girl is, my mother always tells me that she does not like her at all."
"I've heard this story many times before," says Rabbi Levy, "but you'll be pleased to hear that I have a tried and tested solution for you. Next time you choose a girlfriend, make sure she not only looks just like your mother, but also talks like your mother, laughs like your mother, cooks like your mother, and dresses like your mother. Believe me, Benny, if you find such a girl, your mother will absolutely love her."
Many weeks go by before Benny finds someone just like his mother. And not only that, but the girl very quickly falls madly in love with him. So Benny invites her to meet his parents and this time is feeling very optimistic that all will go well."
At the next shul service, Rabbi Levy notices that Benny is once again sitting at the back of the shul looking unbelievably unhappy. So once again, during a break in the service, Rabbi Levy goes over to Benny. "What's wrong Benny?" asks Rabbi Levy. "Couldn't you find someone like your mother?"
"Rabbi," replies Benny, "miraculously, I found a girl just like my mum. Not only did she look just like mum, but she also talked like mum, laughed like mum, cooked like mum, and dressed like mum."
"So everything should have worked out OK for you," says Rabbi Levy.
"No, rabbi, it didn't," replies Benny. "My father didn't like her."

(#2255) Chanukah song
On the first night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
"You'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead."

On the second night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
"Have a few more latkes,
but you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead."

On the third night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
"Here's your chocolate dreidel,
have a few more latkes,
but you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead."

On the fourth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
"Taste my sugar cookies,
here's your chocolate dreidel,
have a few more latkes,
but you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead."

On the fifth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
"My, you're getting fat!
taste my sugar cookies,
here's your chocolate dreidel,
have a few more latkes,
but you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead."

On the sixth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
"Don't you like the doughnuts?
my, you're getting fat!
taste my sugar cookies,
here's your chocolate dreidel,
have a few more latkes,
but you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead."

On the seventh night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
"Take another brownie,
don't you like the doughnuts?
my, you're getting fat!
taste my sugar cookies,
here's your chocolate dreidel,
have a few more latkes,
but you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead."

On the eighth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
"Try my home-made strudel,
take another brownie,
my, you're getting fat!
taste my sugar cookies,
here's your chocolate dreidel,
have a few more latkes,
but you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead"

(#2256) And the winner is .....
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.    

(#2257) An exchange of gifts
The very attractive and sparsely dressed Shula gets on the 8am bus going to Jerusalem. It's a popular bus with the Chassidim, and it's almost full when she gets on. She looks around for a seat and can only find one next to a Chassid. So she walks over to the seat and sits down. However, her short dress totally embarrasses the Chassid, so much so that he begins to squirm. Then, five minutes into the journey, as the Chassid gets up to leave the bus, he takes an apple out of his bag and hands it to her.
"What's this for?" Shula asks the Chassid. "Why did you give me this apple?"
"I gave it to you," replies the Chassid, "because it says in the bible that Eve didn't realise she was naked until she ate the apple."
The next morning, Shula dresses in a more sensible way, and gets on the same bus to Jerusalem. And she sits again next to the Chassid. Immediately she hands him an apple.
The Chassid looks very closely at the apple, then asks her, "What is this? What have you given me?"
"I've given you an apple," replies Shula.
"So why have you given me an apple?" asks the Chassid.
"Because," replies Shula, "until Adam ate the apple, he didn't know he had to work for a living."

Chassid; Chassidim: (Lit. pious) Member of an ultra-orthodox religious sect.

(#2258) Is it really an over-eating problem?
Sarah meets her friend Hetty at Brent Cross shopping centre. "Hello Hetty," says Sarah, "how are things going with you? Last time we met, you told me that you were very unhappy because you were gaining weight and didn't know what to do about it?"
"Oy, that's true Sarah," replies Hetty, "but the good news is that although I'm still gaining weight, I have found a solution to my problem."
"So tell me what it is already," says Sarah.
"Well," says Hetty, "I found a guru who told me that my main problem was not my gaining of weight, but my being unhappy. And so he has been focussing on helping me to look on the bright side of things."
"So how do you now feel about everything?" asks Sarah.
"Well, I had originally thought of joining an aerobics class, but as a result of my guru's help, I now laugh every time I think about aerobics. All I do is say to myself, 'Every 10 minutes of every day, someone pulls a muscle in an aerobics class,' and I laugh. And that's not all. I now also firmly believe that my weight gain is not caused by food, but by the ever-increasing amount of information I'm having to store in my head as I get older.

(#2259) Jewish Logic (an old Russian story)
[My thanks to BMS for the following]
Three men get onto a train going to Moscow. One is a Russian orthodox batyushka, one is a Roman Catholic Priest, and the other is a Rabbi.
These three religious men end up sitting next to each other on the train and because they are bored, very soon out comes a pack of cards and they start playing.  But quite soon after, they hear the loud voice of a policeman in the compartment immediately next to theirs shouting, "You're playing cards. You know it's forbidden to play cards here. You must pay me a fine right now."
The three realise they only have only a short time before the policeman comes into their compartment, so they quickly push all the cards onto the floor by their feet. When the policeman comes into their compartment, the three religious men are looking very calm, serene, and virtuous. 
As soon as the policeman sees all the cards on the floor by their feet, he says to them, "I'm surprised to find you three religious men playing cards. You know this is illegal and it's setting a bad example to all here."
On hearing this, the batyushka says to the policeman "but sir, we are not playing cards. We wouldn't do such a thing."
"So give me your word of honour that you weren't playing cards," says the policeman.
"I swear by the sweet name of Jesus that I didn't play cards," replies the batyushka.
The policeman cannot object to these solemn words and has to accept them. He then looks at the Catholic Priest and says, "And you? Please give me your word of honour that you were not playing cards."
"I swear by the sweet name of the Virgin Mary that I didn't play cards," replies the Catholic priest.
As before, the policeman cannot object to these solemn words and has to accept them. He then slowly looks at the Rabbi and with a wicked grin says, "So it must have been you playing cards, eh Rabbi?"
"Me? Playing cards?" says the rabbi. "This might be possible, but with whom?"

batyushka: (father) a Priest

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