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go to the one hundred and thirtyseventh set of Jewish jokes
This is the one hundred and thirtysixth set of Jewish jokes
[My thanks to BMS for the following]
Sophie meets her friend Emma in Brent Cross shopping centre. "So, Emma," she says, "I hear that you and your husband Adam are having some problems."
"Yes, that's true Sophie," replies Emma.
"And I also hear that your problems are all to do with your Adam's lack of love making skills."
"Yes, that's correct," says Emma, looking a bit embarrassed.
"Oy, Emma," says Sophie, "I'm so sorry to hear this. But if I may make a suggestion, I've heard that using a water bed can make a vast difference to arousal levels. Maybe you should buy such a bed. It would probably feel like you're making love on water."
"You're joking," replies Emma. "With my Adam, it would feel like a cruise on the Dead Sea."
(#2241) Speed is of the essence
[My thanks to Asher for the following]
After many years of hard work, Sheldon and his wife Yetta at last begin to make serious money from their shmatta business. So much so that they celebrate their success by buying a brand new Bentley.
On their second day of car ownership, Sheldon says to Yetta, "Darling, why don't you take the day off from the office and take the car on a short spin on the M1 Motorway? You'll just love it."
Yetta doesn't need asking twice. One hour later, she's cruising at 70mph on the M1.
"Sheldon was right," says Yetta to herself. "This car is absolute perfection. It's a mecheiyeh."
Soon, forgetting all about speed limits, she is travelling at over 100mph. And she's absolutely kvelling as she increases her speed to 115mph, and then to 130mph and then ............ Oy vey, she sees a police car in the distance coming up to her with its lights flashing. Fortunately for Yetta, she's very close to a Motorway Service Station, so she quickly pulls off the M1, drives up to McDonalds, gets out of the Bentley and runs into the ladies toilets. She finds a vacant cubicle, goes in, lifts up her dress, pulls down her knickers, and sits down on the toilet. Within seconds, two policewomen enter the ladies toilets, and one of them shouts, "Will the owner of the silver Bentley parked outside please unlock their cubicle door at once."
Yetta does what she's asked to do and sits down again. Almost immediately, the door opens wide and there, standing in front of her, are two policewomen.
"So nu ladies?" says Yettya, smiling. "It's so nice of you both to check up on my predicament. I suppose you both thought I wouldn't get here in time? But zorg zich nit. I made it."
shmatta: a rag, A shmatta business is usually a clothing shop
mecheiyeh: a pleasure
kvelling: gushing with pride
zorg zich nit: Don't you worry about it
(#2242) A true marriage partnership
One Sunday, two separate wedding ceremonies take place in Bushey shul. First of all, Mervyn gets married to Lisa from Golders Green, and then later in the afternoon, Aaron gets married to Hannah from Israel. So, you might ask, did both their marriages start on a positive note?
Well, on his first day of married life, Mervyn says to Lisa, "You'll always have to do all the house cleaning, all the cooking, and all the washing and drying up of crockery on your own. That's what my mother always did, and that's what I will expect you to do from now onwards. And I'll try to help you whenever I can."
On his second day of married life, Mervyn doesn't notice anything different, but on his third day, Mervyn is pleased to see that Lisa is at last following his instructions.
So what about Aaron and Hannah? Well, on their first day of married life, Aaron says to Hannah, "You'll have to do all the house cleaning, all the washing and drying up of crockery, all the shopping, and all the cooking on your own. You'll also have to have my dinner ready on the table the minute I arrive back from work. And once a fortnight, you'll also have to mow the lawn and clean the outside of the windows. That's what my mother always did, and that's what I will expect you to do from now onwards. And don't expect much help from me - I'll be too busy doing my own things."
On his second day of married life, Aaron doesn't see any results. And on his third day, Aaron doesn't see any results. But by his fourth day, some of the swelling on his face has gone down and Aaron can see a little out of his left eye. And his right arm has healed enough to allow him to fix himself a sandwich, load the dishwasher and mow the lawn. But he still has some difficulty urinating.
(#2243) You can't fool me
[My thanks to Alfred J for the following]
Shlomo and his wife Leah have two lovely twin boys called Daniel and Lionel. But as the twins grow up, they start to develop quite different personalities - Daniel becomes more and more pessimistic whereas Lionel becomes more and more optimistic. His boys' behaviour starts to worry Shlomo so much that he asks for help from Dr. David, a psychiatrist friend of his.
After hearing his story, Dr. David says to Daniel. "It's a common problem with twins, Daniel. But don't worry - we have a tried and tested method of smoothing out your boys differences. Here's what you must do. Buy Daniel some absolutely fantastic toys. Buy lots of them, and ensure that they are the very latest in the marketplace."
"Is that all I have to do?" asks Shlomo.
"No, of course not," replies Dr. David. "At the same time you buy Daniel his wonder toys, you must go to your local farm and buy bags and bags of freshly deposited horse manure. It must be fresh and smelly. Then, at exactly the same time you give Daniel his great presents, you must spread the manure all over Lionel's bedroom floor. In this way, you will be able to see the boys' differences quickly minimise."
"Thank you Dr. David," says Shlomo. "I'm going to take tomorrow off and get everything you have suggested in time for when my boys return from school."
Next afternoon, when the boys return from school and go to their bedrooms, Shlomo and Leah wait in anticipation. But after 10 minutes, they hear nothing so decide to go see what is happening. First they go into Daniel's room. And there is Daniel crying his eyes out with all his great toys around him.
"Why are you crying, Daniel?" says Shlomo. "Aren't you happy with the fantastic toys we got you?"
"They're OK, I guess," replies Daniel, "but I know that Lionel has got a much better present."
So Shlomo and Leah go into Lionel's bedroom. And there is Lionel, with the largest and widest smile on his face, on his hands and knees on the manure filled floor, looking for something under the manure.
"What are you doing, Lionel?" asks Hannah.
Lionel stops his searching for a moment, looks up, and says, "Oh hello Mum, hello Dad. I just want to say thanks for my terrific present."
Lionel and Leah look at each other in amazement. "What present are you talking about, Lionel?" asks Shlomo.
"It's no use, Dad," replies Lionel. "You can't fool me. Where there's manure, there must be a pony!"
(#2244) The best teacher there is
[My thanks to Hilary for the following]
Today is a special day - it's Fay and Maurice's Silver Wedding anniversary, and to celebrate, they've organised a party for family and friends.
During the evening, Maurice gives a short speech on how he met Fay. But just as he is about to sit down, one of his closest friends shouts out, "Maurice, we all now know about bus, car, air and rail travel in those far off days. But what we would also like to know is this - what specifically have you learned from all your wonderful years with Fay?"
"That's an easy question to answer," replies Maurice. "From living with Fay, I've learned why it's important to be meek and not bossy; I've learned how to ask for forgiveness; I've learned the importance of being patient; I've learned self-restraint and how to maintain self-control; I've learned to recognise who my superior is; I've learned never to interrupt; and I've learned the importance of loyalty. In fact, I've learned many, many qualities that I would never have thought I needed had I stayed single. Fay is a wonderful teacher."
(#2245) 18 months of study
Although Michael is a Christian, he has lots of Jewish friends. One day, he wakes up and declares to himself, "That's it! I'm going to convert to Judaism." Later that day, he's told by all his friends that a proper, formal conversion takes years of study. But he's made up his mind and so embarks on his conversion study. And for the next 18 months, he studies Judaism continuously from morning till night. Finally, he feels that he's ready to apply to take the test and so complete his conversion to Judaism. He's very, very excited.
His conversion test day soon arrives and he goes to the appointed place where he is met by a rabbi. "Shalom aleichem," says the rabbi.
"Aleichem shalom," replies Michael.
"OK," says the rabbi, "before we begin, I must inform you that my fee this morning for the 3 hours I shall be conducting the conversion test will be £400. Is this acceptable to you?"
"£400 is really a lot of money for me at this time, rabbi," replies Michael. "How about £250? I can give this to you in cash."
"Mazeltov," says the rabbi, "you've passed the conversion test."
shalom aleichem: 'peace unto you,' a traditional greeting of Jews.
aleichem shalom: the traditional response to 'shalom aleichem.'
(#2246) How the Internet started
[My thanks to Tony L and John B (separately) for the following]
You might have thought that you knew how the Internet started, but here is the true story.
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.
And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns, and drums in between, to send messages saying what you have for sale. And they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and hard and decided that he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And soon the drums rang out and were an immediate success. So Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
Later, to prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS). And she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures called Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
But Abraham's success did soon arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of Abraham's business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted - for insider trading.
Soon after, the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And he did insist on drums being made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."
And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known, he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, How about "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "Yahoo," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE). And that's how the Internet began.
(#2247) Conversation at a market
[My thanks to BMS for the following]
Sophie has been going through some hard times of recent and has to buy food as cheaply as she possibly can. Today she's walked to a local market to negotiate for some low-priced fish. She's quite knowledgeable about fish, so she goes over to one of the fish stalls and starts to check out the fish on offer, and the prices. After a few minutes of looking at the fish, prodding the fish, and checking the prices, she goes over to the lady owner of the stall and asks, "I've just been checking out your fish on display and I need to ask you a few questions."
"So fire away, already," says the lady owner.
"OK," says Sophie, "Is your grey mullet still fresh?"
"Of course," replies the stallholder.
"And is it still alive?" asks Sophie.
"No, I'm afraid it has recently died," replies the stallholder solemnly.
"I thought that might be the case," says Sophie. "It explains why you are charging so much for it."
"What do you mean?" asks the stallholder.
"Well I was surprised by the high price you're asking for it, and thought you must be collecting some money to cover the cost of the fish's funeral."
Q: What did Noah say to himself as he was loading up the Ark with the much larger animals?
A: "Now I've herd everything."
(#2249) What a best friend I have
[My thanks to Ron L for the following]
Moshe meets his friend Sidney in Brent Cross shopping centre.
"What's the matter Sidney?" asks Moshe, "you're looking a bit agitated."
"It's probably because I've just learned that my wife Talia has run off with my best friend," replies Sidney.
"Oy vey," says Moshe, "I'm sorry to hear this. But how could your best friend do this to you? And who is he, this best friend of yours?"
"I've absolutely no idea who he is," replies Sidney. "But he's certainly my best friend now."
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