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go to the one hundred and thirtyfifth set of Jewish jokes
This is the one hundred and thirtyfourth set of Jewish jokes
(#2220) Family problems
The London shmutter business is not doing very well. In fact, it's getting so bad that many manufacturers are beginning to sack their sons-in-laws.
shmutter: a rag or else a reference to clothing. The clothing / tailoring industry is often known as the 'shmutter business'
(#2221) The shmutter business
Ruben meets his friend Isaac in Brent Cross shopping centre. "So Isaac," he says, "how's the shmutter business doing?"
"Oy, don't ask," replies Isaac, shaking his head. "This threat of a recession is just killing my business. In fact, between you and me, it's so bad that over the last 6 months I've been regularly losing £5,000 every week."
"That's terrible news," says Ruben. "I'm sorry to hear it. But tell me, so why don't you just sell up?"
"What! Are you being serious?" replies Isaac. "If I do that, how will I make a living?"
(#2222) How do you know?
Louis calls over to the waiter, "Waiter, Waiter."
"How can I help you?" says the waiter. "Is there anything you want?"
"Of course there is," replies Louis angrily. "I've been waiting ages for you to take my order."
"Sorry, I've been busy," replies the waiter.
"I don't want excuses," says Louis, "I just want you should make like a waiter. The service here is absolutely awful."
"With respect," says the waiter, "how do you know this? You haven't had any service."
(#2223) The valuable item
Judith goes into a Picture Framing shop and says to Joseph the manager, "I have something here that's worth over £100,000 and I would like that you should personally frame it."
"Oy, lady," says Joseph, "I've never ever been asked before to frame anything so expensive. Can I please see it?"
Judith hands over to Joseph her son's University Degree Certificate.
(#2224) School test
Minky's Grammar School in North West London is not known for producing brilliant students. Nevertheless, Brian the teacher says to his class one day, "OK class, listen up. Can anyone here put together a sentence with the word 'cultivate' in it?"
Only one boy's hand goes up. It's Shlomo, a student who, if truth be known, is a bit farmisht.
"OK Shlomo," says Brian, "let's hear your sentence."
Shlomo replies, "Venever you're vaiting for the school bus and it starts to snow, you should go back home because it's too cul ti vate."
farmisht: confused and mixed up
(#2225) I know what it is
[My thanks to Hilary for the following]
As Lionel and his wife Esther are leaving the Waitrose supermarket, Lionel notices that a weighing machine has recently been installed near the exit. As they walk up to the machine, he says to Esther, "What a good idea. It's just what someone like me, someone who's recently started a new diet, needs to use as often as possible."
Lionel gets onto the machine and reads the electronic display. "Oy vey," he says loudly to Esther, "this weighing machine must be faulty. The display indicates that I weigh more than I did two weeks ago. How can that be?"
But then, after a few seconds of thinking, Lionel takes off his cardigan and says to Esther, "I think I know what the problem might be. Here, hold this for me please."
He then gets back on the weighing machine, but it still doesn't give him the reading he was expecting. After a few more seconds of thought, Lionel shouts, "What a shmo I am. I have such a loch in kop. I know what it is." He then hands Esther his shopping bag and says, "Here, Esther, hold onto my pontshkes as well."
loch in kop: hole in the head
pontshke: (yiddish) Jelly doughnut
(#2226) Business is business
One day, as Leah is passing her daughter Miriam's apartment, she decides to drop in for a chat. Miriam is not only her eldest, but also the only one not yet married. Whilst they are having coffee, the doorbell rings. Miriam gets up and leaves the kitchen to answer the door.
Leah soon hears a man's voice, but he's talking too quietly for her to understand what he's saying. She does however hear Miriam's reply.
"Thanks for asking. I'm very flattered because I have to admit that I very easily fall madly in love with men just like you. But somehow I always seem to frighten them away, and I don't understand why. All I want to do is move in with them, marry them and be the one to bear their sons and their daughters. Believe me, my whole being focuses on men like you."
Leah quickly gets up from her chair and walks over to the kitchen door to hear more clearly what is being said - especially as this man might be her next son-in-law. But she needn't have bothered because she hears the man's unemotional reply to Miriam. "Lady," she hears him say, "I can't stand here chatting. I've heard enough already. Just pay me for the pizza you ordered. I've got other deliveries to make."
(#2227) The frumest chess player ever?
Abe meets his friend Monty on the train one morning. "Hello Monty," he says, "where are you off to so early?"
"I'm on my way to visit my zaydeh," replies Monty. "We're going to play chess."
"Didn't you once tell me that your zaydeh was a good chess player?" asks Abe.
"Yes," replies Monty, "and he still is."
"And isn't your zaydeh also very frum?" asks Abe.
"He sure is," replies Monty. "In fact our family calls him the frumest chess player in the world."
"Why do you call him that?" asks Abe.
"Because he uses a special chess set he had made up to his own specification - a chess set where all the bishops have been replaced by rabbis."
frum/frumest: religious/most religious
(#2228) How to negotiate
Issy needs a new suit for work and decides to make a visit to MINKY THE TAILOR. A number of his friends had gone to this shop and they have all told him that the suits sold there are of high quality, yet not too expensive.
Immediately Issy enters the shop, a smartly dressed man goes over to him and says, "Good Morning, sir. I'm Dovid Minkovitch, the owner of this top class menswear shop. But you can call me Minky. In here you'll find the highest quality tailoring but without the need for any bargaining. And when you buy, you'll be able to wear my suits with naches."
"Bargaining, schbargaining," says Issy, "lets just get on vith it. Show me vot you've got, Minky."
30 minutes later, Issy has some mazel. He thinks he's found the perfect suit. "So nu, how much gelt is it?" asks Issy.
"Well," says Minky, "as you can see from the price tag, this suit will cost you £350. But I'm not going to give you such a fantastic suit for that price. I won't even give it to you for £330. It's yours for £310."
"I'm really glad to be doing business vith you, Minky. It's a real pleasure. So I vont insult you and offer you £240 for this fine suit. I von't even offer you £250. My offer to you is £260."
"I'll tell you what I'll do," says Minky. "I'll give it to you for £270."
"Vunderful," says Issy. "It's a metsieh. So wrap it up for me already."
metsieh: bargain, good deal
(#2229) What's good for the goose .....
It's 1 o'clock in the morning and Minky, the Chairman of Minky's Silk Jackets, has just got to bed. Just as he was beginning to nod off, his phone rings.
"Who can this be at this hour?" he says to himself.
He picks up the phone and says, rather grumpily, "Yes, who am I talking to?"
"My name is Freda," comes the reply, "and I just wanted to let you know that the jacket I recently ordered from your shop is very nice."
"Well thank you Freda," says Minky. "But why did you have to ring me at 1 o'clock in the morning to tell me this?"
"Because your delivery van has just this minute woken me up to deliver it to me, that's why," replies Freda.
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