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go to the one hundred and thirtyfourth set of Jewish jokes

This is the one hundred and thirtythird set of Jewish jokes

(#2210) The final flood?
Within days of the giant Oyvey undersea volcano erupting, all the leading volcanic scientists are predicting  that an enormous tsunami will quickly follow. Not only that, many are saying that this tsunami spells the end of the world as we know it because it will cause nearly all land to be submerged to a depth of 20 metres. This leads to religious leaders appearing on television with their own distinct messages.
The Pope's message is one of encouragement. "By accepting Jesus Christ, your immortal souls will be saved."
A Muslim Imam recommends conversion. "If you follow the Islam faith, you can spend eternity with Allah."
The Dali Lama urges everyone to become Buddhist. "It will allow you to attain Nirvana."
The Israeli Chief Rabbi has a different kind of message. He says, "Go all of you to the coast, go to swimming pools, go even into your baths at home. Then practise hard. We only have 3 days to learn how to live under water."

(#2211) Job insurance
[My thanks to Hilary for the following]
Mervyn has recently graduated from Oxford University and is now ready to start applying for some jobs in the City's financial sector. But he feels that he needs to dress in the appropriate City style. So he goes to his father and says, "Dad, I need some money."
"What! More money yet?" says his father. "What do you think you need money for this time?"
"I need to buy a quality  pin-stripe suit for my interviews," replies Mervyn, "and New Bond Street has the best tailor shops in London."
"And how much is that quality suit going to cost me?" asks his father.
"At a guess, dad, about £750," replies Mervyn.
Mervyn's father goes red in the face, and almost gagging replies, "£750! Why I've bought cars in the past for less than £750."
"That's exactly why I need a good quality suit dad," replies Mervyn. "I need to ensure that I will never have to drive a £750 car."

(#2212) A special Carol
It's the last day of school term prior to Christmas and like many other schools around the country, Kilburn Grammar is having a special Christmas celebration during their morning assembly. However, some of the Jewish pupils at this school were told off after Assembly because they were distinctly heard singing the following words to one of the best known Carols, "God Rest you Jerry Mandelbaum."

(#2213) Why wasn't I told?
Ever since her batmitzvah, Sharon has always been a regular shul goer. The same cannot be said about her twin sister Rose who very rarely steps inside a shul. Today is Sharon and Rose's 60th birthday and during their celebrations, Sharon once again raises the subject of going to shul. But this time, to Sharon's surprise, Rose tells her that she has already started and has gone to shul on the last three shabbats.
Next day, Sharon goes to see Rabbi Levy and tells him about her sister's religious revival. "Rabbi," she says, "tell me, do you think my sister's sins can be forgiven, even after 48 years of never going to shul?"
"Yes Sharon," replies Rabbi Levy, "they certainly can. As it is said, 'the greater the number of sins, the greater the glory'."
"Oy vey, rabbi," says Sharon, "I wish I had been told about this 48 years ago!"


shul: synagogue

shabbat: The sabbath, which lasts from sundown on Friday to sunset on Saturday

(#2214) Riddle
Q: What is a bris?
A: A minor surgical procedure that over the years has been transformed into a catered affair


bris:  circumcision ceremony, performed on a boy on the eighth day after birth

(#2215) A benefit to mankind
[My thanks to John B for the following]
There's no need to worry if you think you're having too many birthdays. Birthdays are actually good for you - the more you have, the longer you're alive.

(#2216) A lack of learning
[My thanks to Carol M for the following]
Two weeks after Misha gets married to Emanuel, she rings her mother in a very aggravated state.
"What's the matter bubbeleh?"  asks her mother. "Has anything happened?"
"Oh mummy," replies Misha, "I have a problem that I just can't seem to solve. Emanuel is very upset with me. No matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to satisfy him. I'm so miserable."
"Oy vey," says her mother. "But please don't blame yourself, Misha. It's not your fault. I obviously didn't teach you enough about the birds and the bees when you were growing up. Come round to my house right away and we'll talk more about it."
"Oh don't be silly mummy," says Misha, "I know perfectly well how to shtup.  It's how to cook that I know very little about!"

bubbeleh: term of endearment, like dear, pet, honey
shtup: vulgar Yiddish term for having sex


(#2217) Where to cry
[My thanks to Laurence F for the following]
Sean and Patrick are visiting Jerusalem for the first time. On their first day, they get into a taxi and say to the driver, "we can't remember the name of the place, but could you please take us to where the Jews do their crying."
So the taxi driver takes them to the central Income Tax Building.

(#2218) Be honest
[My thanks to Hilary for the following]
Esther works for a firm of accountants. One day, with Rosh Hashanah fast approaching, she returns to her office from her lunch break carrying a plastic bag.
"What's in the bag, Esther?" asks Simon, who works with her.
"Just a dress I picked up from the dry cleaners," she replies.
"So show it to me already," he says.
Esther takes the dress out of the bag and holds it up.
"That's a real sexy looking dress," says Simon. "I suppose you'll be wearing it in shul on Rosh Hashanah?"
"Don't be silly," says Esther smiling. "It's not my dress. I've picked it up for my friend. And in any case Simon, be honest. Do you really believe someone with a figure as large as mine could get into a dress as small as this?"
Smiling, Simon replies, "Let me answer your question Esther with a question. Do you really believe that I've managed to live as long as I have by answering questions like the one you've just asked me?"

Rosh Hashanah: the Jewish New Year


(#2219) Seeing is believing
[My thanks to Frank R for the following]
Samuel and his long suffering wife Golda are queuing up in their local bank when, oy vey, two gonifs run into the bank. Each is wearing a handkerchief around their mouth and nose and each has a gun in their hand.
One of them points his gun at the customers and shouts out, "Listen all of you, stop screaming or else!"
There is instant silence. His colleague then runs over to a cashier and yells at him, "put all the money you have in your till on the counter."
The cashier immediately complies and the gonif starts to fill up his sack with the money. But as he's doing this, his handkerchief slips off. 
As he repositions his handkerchief, he says to the cashier, "I'm sorry to do this, but you must have seen my face." He then shoots him.
Then turning to the shaking-with-fear customers, he says, "I hope no one else saw my face."
After a few moments of silence, a voice is heard. It's Golda's. She shouts out, "I think my husband might have caught a glimpse of you."

gonif: thief, crook



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