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go to the one hundred and thirtythird set of Jewish jokes
This is the one hundred and thirtysecond set of Jewish jokes
(#2200) A visit to the vet
NB An updated version of joke #584 (24th set of jokes)
Paul is worried about his dog Patrick and takes him to see Dr. Simon, the local vet.
"My dog has a problem, doctor," says Paul.
"OK, so tell me already about your dog and his problem," says doctor Simon.
"Well, doctor," replies Paul, "despite his name, Patrick is a Jewish dog. And not only that, Patrick can talk."
"You're joking, surely?" asks doctor Simon.
"No I'm not," replies Paul. "Just watch this."
Paul then looks Patrick in the eye and says, "Patrick, fetch."
Immediately, Patrick starts to walk toward the door. But then he stops, turns around, looks at Paul and says, "Why, oh why, do you continue to talk to me like that, Paul? You're always ordering me around like I'm a nothing, a gornisht. You only seem to talk to me when you want something. How degraded I feel. And that's not all. You always force me to sleep on the cold, tiled floor at night - and me with my arthritis! And you persist in giving me unhealthy fahkahkta food which contains a lot of salt and fat. Do you really think I'm going to fall for your claim that it's a special diet? It tastes like dreck! You should try eating it yourself. And do you and Natalie ever take me for a decent walk around Bushey? No you don't. It's always just out of the house, a short pish, and then right back home again. Oy vey! If I could only stretch out a little, maybe my sciatica wouldn't hurt me so much! I should roll over and play dead for real, for all you care about me."
Dr. Simon is absolutely gobsmacked. "This is absolutely incredible. I've never heard of such a talking dog. But why have you brought him here? What medical problem does Patrick have?"
"He has a very bad hearing problem, doctor," replies Paul, "I said 'Fetch,' not 'Kvetch'."
pish: to urinate
(#2201) A modern bride-to-be
Emma has recently announced her engagement to Brian and starts to receive mazeltov cards from family and friends. On this particular morning, not only is there the usual bundle of cards on the floor by the front door, but there is also a large package. Emma opens the package, stares at its contents, and reads the enclosed card. It's from her elderly grandma. So Emma rings her.
"Hello bubbe, it's Emma," she says.
"Why hello Emma," says her bubbe. "Did you get my parcel?"
"Yes I did, bubbe," replies Emma. "Thank you so much for your lovely engagement present."
"I'm so glad you like it," says her bubbe.
"And why shouldn't I like it?" says Emma. "Any future new bride would love to receive such an attractive wooden sewing box full of reels of cotton of all colours, pairs of scissors, needles and pins of all sizes, thimbles, and a tape measure. But bubbe, where are the instructions?"
(#2202) A fishy story
Harry and Kitty go to their local restaurant and order a salmon meal. When it arrives, they don't like the look of the salmon on their plates and so Harry calls over the waiter.
"Waiter," he says, pointing to their plates, "be honest, these pieces of fish are from cans aren't they?"
"From cans, sir?" says the waiter, indignantly. "They're not from cans. They came directly from Alaska."
"But were they imported or deported?" asks Kitty.
(#2203) A year of giving presents
Shlomo buys his son David an iPhone for his 15th birthday. David is thrilled with it and starts to use it straight away.
2 month's later, for his younger son Henry's 12th birthday, Shlomo buys him an iPod Shuffle. It's just what Henry hoped he would get.
3 month's later, it's Shlomo's 40th birthday and his wife Rachel buys him an iPad2. He loves it to bits.
4 month's later, it's the turn of Shlomo's daughter Hannah. On her 18th birthday, Shlomo buys her an iPod Touch and Hannah cannot stop thanking him for such a fantastic present.
1 month later, it's his wife Rachel's 35th birthday and Shlomo buys her an iRon.
NB You'll be pleased to learn that Shlomo should be leaving hospital shortly.
(#2204) Not yet - wait for it
"When he grows up," says Howard, "my youngest son David is going to be a very successful businessman."
"Why do you say that?" asks Bernie.
"Because David is very logical," replies Howard. "Let me give you an example. During his maths lesson yesterday, his teacher asked the class, 'If you have five apples and I ask you for one of them, how many apples will you then have?' And my David was the only one to have replied 'Five'."
(#2205) I have to be sure
[My thanks to John B for the following]
When Sydney sees his friend Hymie in Minky's Deli, he goes over to him and says, "Hymie, my dear friend, why are you looking so kalamutneh?"
"Because my wife Shirley is always shouting at me," replies Hymie. "I just don't know what to do about it. It's driving me meshugga."
"Well I have the perfect solution for you," replies Sydney. "It worked well for me, so there's no reason to suppose it won't work for you too."
"So tell me already. What you think I should do," says Hymie.
"I think the best thing for you to do," replies Sydney, "is to join an Assertiveness Training Course as soon as you possibly can."
"OK," says Hymie, "that makes sense. Maybe I'll take your advice. But first of all, I'll need to check that it's alright with my Shirley."
meshugga: crazy, mad
kalamutneh: glum, gloomy, sad looking
(#2206) Double chance
[My thanks to Gina B for the following]
During the shul service in Golders Green, Leah can't help but notice a nice young man enter the shul. She's never seen him before, so at the end of the service, she goes over to him and introduces herself.
"Hello, I'm Leah Gold," she says. "My husband and I have been members of this shul for many years."
"Hello to you too," he replies. "My name is Mervyn."
"I've not seen you here before," Leah says. "Is this your first visit?"
"Yes it is," replies Mervyn. "I've only just moved to Golders Green."
"You've made a good choice, Mervyn," says Leah. "So where's the rest of your family?"
"They're still living in Manchester," replies Mervyn. "I've come to Golders Green on my own. I'm single."
Hearing the word 'single' was music to Leah's ears. "That's nice, Mervyn," she says. "You really must meet my daughter Naomi. She's also single and ....."
Mervyn interrupts her and says, "It would be a waste of time, Mrs Gold. I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but I'm gay."
Without a pause, Leah says, "No problem. In that case, you really must meet Naomi's brother ........"
(#2207) Mistaken identity
Jeremy likes a bit of a gamble from time to time and decides to go to Ascot to bet on the Derby. During the afternoon, he gets lucky and wins £950. As a result, the following Sunday sees Jeremy and his wife Judith celebrating the win.
Deciding to travel everywhere by taxi, they first of all go to the Hilton Hotel in Park Lane for some lunch. As soon as they are shown to their table, Jeremy gives Judith a wad of £10 notes and whispers to her, "Darling, may I suggest you go to the Ladies and hide these notes on you somewhere safe. I'll be asking you for some of them as and when we need to pay."
"OK," she says, and does what he has suggested.
They have a super lunch at The Hilton and when they finish, Jeremy quietly asks for and is given cash by Judith to pay for their meal.
Then it's on to The Prince Edward Theatre where they buy top price tickets at the box office to see 'Jersey Boys.' Jeremy again quietly asks for and is given cash by Judith to pay for the tickets. It turns out to be a fantastic show. Then it's on to the Ritz for a 5 course evening meal with champagne. At the end of their overwhelming fress-up, Jeremy asks Judith for cash to pay the bill.
But this time there's a problem as Judith quietly searches inside her bra for the cash. "Oy gevalt," she says to Jeremy, "the money is missing. It must have been stolen."
"What do you mean, 'it must have been stolen'?" says Jeremy. "How can that possibly have happened?"
"I think it must have been stolen by that young man who sat on the other side of me in the theatre," replies Judith. "His hands were everywhere. What a bondit he turned out to be."
"Judith," says Jeremy, "do you mean to tell me that you allowed a man you've never seen before to put his hand down your bra?"
"Don't be silly Jeremy," replies Judith. "How was I to know he was a gonif?"
bondit: someone clever at getting away with things
gonif: a thief, crook
fress-up: eating and enjoying lots of food
(#2208) And the winner is ......
[My thanks to Alfred J for the following]
Leah has been married for only 2 months when she has her first big fight with her husband. Immediately afterwards, she goes to see her rabbi.
"Hello Leah, it's nice to see you again," says Rabbi Levy. "It seems only yesterday that I married you and Arnold under the chuppah. How are you both getting on?"
"That's why I'm here rabbi," she replies, starting to cry. "Arnold and I have just had an awful fight, just awful."
"Don't cry," says Rabbi Levy, "this often happens soon after a marriage. So please calm down. I think every marriage has to have its first fight at sometime."
"I know all this, rabbi," says Leah. "But what on earth am I going to do with Arnold's body?"
chuppah: wedding canopy
(#2209) Experience counts for a lot
[My thanks to The IrRev for the following]
Not many people know this but there is a factory in Hendon that makes Jewish computers and only employs married Jewish men. This upsets many women who try to get a job there. One day, Rebecca calls in to talk to Benjamin, the factory's managing director.
"So how can I help you, Rebecca?" asks Benjamin.
"I would like you to explain why you only employ married Jewish men here," says Rebecca. "Why don't you also employ us women? Do you really think that we are so useless that we couldn't do whatever work was required here? Do you think that we women are all stupid, or weak, or what?"
"No, that's not the reason Rebecca," replies Benjamin. "We employ only married Jewish men because we find that they are the most experienced employees at obeying orders given to them. I can shout at them and shove them around all day long and they never talk back, argue with me, or sulk."
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