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go to the one hundred and thirtysecond set of Jewish jokes

This is the one hundred and thirtyfirst set of Jewish jokes


(#2190) Riddle

Q: Why are there no large golf courses in Israel?
A: Because Israel is a small country and a long drive could easily become a major international incident.

(#2191) My son the miracle doctor
Misha is talking to her friend Sophie. "Do you remember I told you that my son David, the doctor, had been treating one of his patients for yellow jaundice for over ten years?"
"Yes, I remember," replies Sophie. "So nu? What's happened?"
"David told me yesterday that he's just found out that his patient is Chinese," replies Misha.
"Oy vey," says Sophie, "that's terrible."
"And that's not all," says Misha. "David is sure that he has cured him."

(#2192) Definitions
shiksa: someone who does all her own housework
matzoh: something to be used as a temporary filling prior to going to the dentist
zaydeh: A grandchild's marketing manager

(#2193) How to get new business
A new Jewish restaurant called 'The Fresser' opens in Golders Green and Ruben rings to book a table to celebrate his forthcoming birthday.
"How can I help you?" asks the owner.
"I'd like to book a table for Sunday evening please," replies Ruben.
"Certainly sir," replies the owner. "How many of you are coming?"
"It's my birthday and there will be twelve people coming," replies Ruben.
"Thank you sir," says the excited owner. "And what time shall I book the table for?"
"Eight o'clock will be fine," replies Ruben.
"OK," says the owner, "can I have your name, please."
"Before I give you my name," replies Ruben, "I need to know whether you honour credit cards."
"Honour credit cards?" replies the owner in a slightly raised voice. "We not only honour them, but we also positively love, cherish and obey them."

fress: to eat and enjoy lots of food and maybe even pig out!


(#2194) Get the facts first

[My thanks to Ilan H for the following]
Fay goes to see Rabbi Gross. "I have a problem, rabbi," she says. "Yesterday, after yet another argument with my Ruben, he walks out on me and tells me he isn't coming back. What I want to know, rabbi, is whether you think he will return."
Rabbi Gross gets up, walks over to his desk and opens a large box. He flicks through some paperwork, then closes it saying, "it's not in here." He then opens another large box and again flicks through some paperwork before closing it, saying "it's not in here either." He then opens a third large box and as he is flicking through some papers, he says, "Ah, here they are." He then removes a pair of glasses from the box and walks back to Fay.
"Well rabbi," asks Fay, "what do you think? Will Ruben return to me?"
Rabbi Gross puts on his glasses and stares closely at Fay for a while. He then replies, "No Fay, I don't think he will."

(#2195) Diplomacy
[My thanks to Hilary A  for the following]
It's the morning after her honeymoon and Sarah is in her new kitchen. She has just spent the last hour preparing her very first breakfast for her husband Maurice. She's made him scrambled eggs on toast. Maurice sits down at the table and takes his first mouthful of her cooking, with Sarah watching anxiously for his reaction.
"Maurice, how is it?" she meekly asks.
"Well my lovely darling," replies Maurice, wiping his lips on his napkin, "you could have probably beaten the eggshells for just a little bit longer. But apart from that, I think you've started your cooking life very favourably."

(#2196) Totality
Rabbi Shmuel dies and is now standing in a line of people waiting  to find out whether they are going to heaven - a line containing, among others, the righteous, academics, religious leaders, and the virtuous. As Rabbi Shmuel looks around, he sees an angel bowing down and talking with respect to a rather rough looking man. The angel then leads this man to the front of the line.
Rabbi Shmuel is very surprised by this action. "How odd," he says to himself. "It seems that this ordinary looking man is going to get precedence over all of us here. Who can this man be?"
The angel notices the look of surprise on Rabbi Shmuel's face and so goes over to him and says, "I know it looks a bit odd, rabbi, but this man is a taxi driver."
"But if that is all, why does it make him a special person?" asks Rabbi Shmuel.
"Let me explain, rabbi," replies the angel. "It's simple really. We obviously realise up here that in your lifetime, you have influenced quite a lot of people and explained to them why they should believe in Hashem. But the thousands of people who have travelled in this man's taxi immediately began to pray with 100% total sincerity."

(#2197) Biblical Riddles
[My thanks to Gary S for the following]
Q: Why did Moses have early emotional problems?
A: Because he was a basket case

Q: Why didn't Moses take steps to get himself healed?
A: Because he was in de-Nile

Q: What advice did God give to Moses for getting better?
A: "Take two tablets"

Q: When did Moses become a big lawbreaker?
A: When he broke all the Ten Commandments at once

Q: How do you think Adam and Eve felt when they had to leave the Garden of Eden?
A: They were really put out

Q: What excuse did Adam give to his children for not living in Eden?
A: Your mother ate us out of house and home

Q: Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A: Samson, because he brought the house down

Q: Who was the greatest babysitter in the Bible?
A: David, because he rocked Goliath to sleep

Q: When was the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
A: At the time Joseph served in Pharaoh's court

(#2198) A Jewish world?
The entire world could be Jewish because even the sun is named Sol

(#2199) Timeliness is Godliness
[My thanks to Hilary A for the following]
It's 10.30am and Hyman is only just arriving at his London office. As he walks past the reception desk, he hears some giggling. So he turns around and asks, "So nu Natalie, what's so funny?"
"You've got a black smudge on your face and lips," replies Natalie, still smiling. "What have you been up to then?"
Wiping his face with his handkerchief, Hyman replies, "I've been up to nothing, Natalie. My wife Sadie left this morning for a 2-week stay in Manchester with her brother and his family. And to ensure that she would definitely get to the station on time, I took Sadie there by car. When the train arrived, I helped her to her seat, said 'zay gezunt,' and got off the train."
"But what about the black marks on your face?" asks Natalie.
"Well, because the train had arrived on schedule," replies Hyman, "I was assured of 2 weeks of blissful peace. So as soon as I got off, I ran up to the front of the train and gave it a big 'thank-you' kush."

kush: kiss
zay gezunt: stay well, (often said when people part)



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