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go to the one hundred and thirtyfirst set of Jewish jokes
This is the one hundred and thirtieth set of Jewish jokes
(#2180) Duplicate not allowed
Sheldon is a hoarder. He's been accumulating collectables (or drek as his wife Golda calls them) for many, many years. His study is full to overflowing with them.
One night, as he and Golda get into bed, Sheldon says, "I've been thinking, Golda. If I were to suddenly die, God forbid, I would like you to do something for me."
"And what is that?" asks Golda, looking bored.
"I would want you to sell everything that I've collected over these past 20 years. Will you promise me that you'll do that?"
"But why would you want me to sell your drek?" asks Golda. "You've always told me how precious and important they all are."
"They are," says Sheldon. "But when I die, no doubt you'll immediately start looking for another man. Eventually you'll marry him and I don't want some shmuck holding my collectables in his grubby little hands."
"And what makes you think I'd marry another shmuck?" says Golda.
drek: excrement, rubbish, trash
(#2181) Men are wonderful ... or what?
"Oy, is my Harry a deluded man," says Renee to her friend Sharon.
"Why do you say that?" asks Sharon. "Harry doesn't seem to be different to any other married man."
"That's just it," replies Renee. "Harry acts just like other husbands. For example, whenever he takes our kitchen rubbish to the dustbins, he tries to give our neighbours the impression that he's just finished cleaning the whole of our house."
(#2182) The reservation
[My thanks to Jay for the following]
Irvine has lived in London all his life, but when he graduates from his Jewish school in Golders Green, he decides to go to America and resume his studies over there. Somehow, he manages to get a scholarship to the University of Montana. Although his parents are not happy with his decision, they know best not to argue with him and so give him their full blessing to go.
Six months after Irvine waves goodbye to his parents at the airport, his parents have still heard nothing from him and they are obviously getting quite worried for his safety, and especially after they are told by the University of Montana that Irvine only attended his course for a few weeks before quitting.
But then, one morning they get a letter from him. Here is what it said:
Dear Mum and Dad
Please accept my apologies for not contacting you sooner. I had so much going on over here that I just couldn't find the time. Nevertheless, here is what has happened to me since I left London.
On my first day at Montana University, I met the girl who I'm soon going to marry. She's a very special person. That's why I left school for her. Her name is Shining Light. She's not only a Native American, but she's also a real Princess. Her father is the tribe's Chief and I am now a member of the tribe.
I also have to tell you something else. I have abandoned the name you both gave me. I am now known to everyone in the tribe as Stalking Bear. I feel so strong about this that I won't talk to or correspond with anyone who calls me by my old name Irvine.
I do hope that you will come to accept all of the above.
A few days later he gets a reply from
his mother. This is what she wrote:
Dear Stalking Bear
Your father and I are pleased to learn that you have found a woman to love and cherish. We are also pleased to learn that you are happy to live on the reservation. Although we are obviously sad that she is not Jewish, we nevertheless realise that we can't always have everything.
We have also been giving thought to how we could celebrate your forthcoming marriage to the girl you love so dearly. So we have decided to follow your path - we also have taken Native American names. From now on, I am SITTING SHIVAH and your father is GOING MESHUGGA.
(#2183) A visit by police officers
[My thanks to BMS for the following]
Adam is waiting for his wife to return home from her shopping trip when his doorbell rings. When he opens the door, there are two grim-faced police officers standing there.
"Can we come in, sir?" asks one of them.
"Of course," replies Adam.
They come in and he shuts the door. "How can I help you?" asks Adam.
"Do you have a photo of your wife we could look at?" asks one of the officers.
Of course I have," replies Adam. "Why do you want to see it?"
"Could we please see the photo first," says the other officer, "and then we'll tell you why."
Adam gets a recent photo and shows it to them. The police officers study it carefully, then one of them says to Adam, "I'm sorry sir, but we have to inform you that it looks like your wife got hit by a truck."
Without thinking, Adam says, "I've known that ever since I met her, but she makes up for it with a great sense of humour!"
(#2184) Male observation
[My thanks to Hilary A for the following]
Ruben is out shopping in Brent Cross with his wife Golda, but this is not a shopping expedition that he's enjoying. For over 45 minutes, he's been 'stuck' with Golda in the ladies department of the John Lewis store. And he can't leave because she's ordered him to stay with her until she finds a suitable new outfit. So he's getting very tired and irritable.
Then, for the seventh time, Golda comes out of the changing rooms wearing yet another outfit. He looks Golda up and down and then says, "OK, darling, that's the one. Not only does the outfit fit you perfectly, but it's your favourite colour as well. So buy it now and let's go get something to eat."
"You shmuck, Ruben," says Golda, "This is the outfit I came here in."
shmuck: A stupid person (also a penis)
Rebecca meets her friend Rivka whilst out shopping. "So congratulate me already, Rivka," she says smiling. "My lovely daughter Sharon has just given birth to a beautiful boy."
"Mazeltov Rebecca," says Rivka. "But I'm a bit confused. Didn't I hear that she got married only about 6 months ago?"
"Yes, that's right," replies Rebecca, "in August. But my lovely Sharon is so young and innocent - what does she know about how long to carry?"
(#2186) One for our American readers
[My thanks to Bill P for the following]
Because of the serious flooding around Minot, rumour has it that the Souris River in ND will be renamed the Tsouris River.
tsouris: troubles; worries; suffering
(#2187) Riddles for the elderly
[My thanks to Steven S for the following]
Q: Where is the best place for an elderly man to find a younger, sexy woman to look after him?
A: In a book shop. He needs to look in the Fiction section.
Q: What can an elderly man do whilst his wife is going through the menopause?
A: The best thing he can do is to call in the builders and get them to start work on building an extension to his house. When this is finished, he will have a place to live in.
Q: Is it true that elderly women sleep very soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
(#2188) The magic kippa
[My thanks to Peter M for the following]
Leah and her son Jacob are sitting on the roof of their house in England's Lake District watching the flood waters and various flotsam drift pass their house.
"Mum," says Jacob pointing to the water in front of their house, "something strange is happening. Do you see that kippa? It's been moving downstream for a bit, then it seems to turn around and comes back up. It's been doing this for some time now."
"What’s so strange about that?" says Leah. "It’s only your father. I told him this morning that come hell or high water, he had to cut the grass today."
(#2189) What a scoop
[My thanks to George B for the following]
An Israeli journalist, believing he has a major scoop, runs frantically into The Jerusalem Post's offices and shouts, "Stop the presses, stop the presses. Hold the back page."
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