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This is the one hundred and twentyninth set of Jewish jokes


(#2170) Jason the builder

Benny owns a large plot of land in North London and is looking for a suitable developer to build a high class block of apartments on the land. After months of negotiation, Jason is officially informed by Benny that his company has won the contract. Jason is absolutely thrilled.
"Thank you for putting your trust in me," says Jason. "You won't be disappointed."
"I'm sure I won't be," says Benny.
"And to thank you for the very professional way you negotiated with me," says Jason, "I'm going to buy you the very latest 42 inch Sony 3D television."
"Well that's kind of you, Jason," says Benny, "but I can't accept the TV. It might look like I'm accepting a bribe."
"I can understand your concern," says Jason, "so how about me selling you a television for £5?"
Benny thinks about this offer for a while, then replies, "In that case Jason, I'll nem tsvey."

nem tsvey: take two


(#2171) The Hebrew class
Sydney and his wife Miriam join their shul's Hebrew Reading course. At the end of their first week, their teacher, Rabbi Bloom, goes over to Sydney and asks, "So tell me Sydney, what do you think of my Hebrew class?"
"It's not as bad as I thought it would be, rabbi," replies Sydney.
"What do you mean by that?" asks Rabbi Bloom.
 "If I'm honest, rabbi, I must admit that I really only have to learn the first part of every Hebrew sentence."
"Why do you say that?" asks Rabbi Bloom.
"Because, as she always does, Miriam finishes all my sentences for me."

(#2172) Riddle
Q: What are rabbis regularly told before they get up to make their sermon, but mohels never?
A: "Please cut it short."

(#2173) What I really want
It's coming up to Kitty's 90th birthday and her children are planning a special party to celebrate the event. But they just don't know what to buy her. Her eldest son David asks her, "Mum, what do you want for your birthday? Whatever you want you can have. Just name it."
"What do I want with presents?" replies Kitty. "I've got everything I need already. Just get Andrea to bake me one of her lovely cheesecakes."
Her son Henry chips in. "But mum, we can't just buy you nothing. Please think of something."
"Mum," says Alan, her third son, "I've got an idea. You've never flown before, so how about a short ride in an aeroplane?"
"Aeroplane, Shmeraloplane," replies Kitty, "I'm not getting into such a dangerous modern contraption. I never have and I never will. If God wanted me to fly, he would have given me wings. But if you three want to fly in the air, it's all right with me. I'll just sit here and watch TV, just like God intended me to do."

(#2174) The rabbi's true feelings
Rabbi Levy is having difficulty in delivering his usual shabbes sermon. His new bifocal glasses are making him feel extremely dizzy and he keeps on pausing to remove them only to put them on again a few seconds later. After five minutes of doing this, he pauses again, looks up from his notes, stares at his congregation, and says to them, "I really must apologise for the reading of my sermon this morning and for my continual removal of my glasses. Some of you might have noticed that I'm wearing new glasses and these allow me to see my notes very clearly. But every time I look up at you, I feel absolutely sick."

(#2175) A fountain of knowledge
During the tea break in young Benny's Sunday morning cheder class, he goes over to his rabbi and asks, "Rabbi, why are the seas always so salty?"
His rabbi replies, "Because of the herring, Benny."

cheder: Hebrew class


(#2176) A story perfectly logical to all Jewish husbands
[My thanks to Diane M for the following]
Rivkah asks Shlomo, "I'm short of some ingredients for the cake I'm baking, so could you please get some things for me from Minky's Supermarket?"
"Of course I can, darling," replies Shlomo. "What do you need?"
"Please get one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get six." replies Rivkah.
Fifteen minutes later, Shlomo returns with six cartons of milk. Rivkah is furious with him. "You shmo! Why on earth did you buy six cartons of milk?"
"Because they had eggs," he replies.

shmo: a foolish, unresourceful person


(#2177) Two original riddles created by Keith Reitman
Q: Where was the Jewish sweater invented?
A: In Shvitzerland.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Chinaman with a native American?
A: Lo mein on the totem pole.(*)
(*) A common expression in America is, "Low man on the totem pole" (e.g. I have been with this company for years but still feel like the low man on the totem pole.)  Lo mein (pronounced "main") is a Chinese noodle dish and some American slang refers to one’s best friend or ‘home boy’ as ‘main man’ e.g. "Hey, my 'main', what' up bro?"

(#2178) Too clever for comfort
[My thanks to John B for the following]
One evening, after a passionate love making session, Hymie's wife asks him, "So darling, tell me already, how many women have you slept with?"
Hymie immediately replies, "Only with you, my darling. I stayed awake with all the others."
NOTE: Hymie's hospital visiting hours are from 7pm to 8pm

(#2179) Seen on a shul's notice board
[My thanks to John T for the following]
7 DAYS WITHOUT HASHEM MAKES ONE WEAK


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