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go to the one hundred and twentyninth set of Jewish jokes
This is the one hundred and twentyeighth set of Jewish jokes
(#2160) Salt beef on rye
Joshua and Sharon are out shopping and as they are near Minkys Kosher Snack Bar decide to drop in and have a bite to eat there. They both order a salt beef on rye sandwich with new green cucumber and mustard. But when the sandwiches arrive, they are not happy with them, so Joshua calls over the waiter and says, "OK we give up. What kind of sandwiches are these?"
"They're exactly what you ordered," replies the waiter. "Minkys always give you what you order."
"I'm glad to hear it," says Joshua, "the salt beef is OK but the rye bread must be yesterday's bread."
"So what's the matter?" asks the waiter. "Yesterday wasn't a good day?"
Q: How did Jewish families come to England at the beginning of the 20th century?
A: They came Yidel by Yidel
(#2162) Good News from the job front
Ever since the firm he worked for went mechuleh, Benny has been looking for a job. Many months pass without success but then, one day, Benny rushes back home to his wife Hannah with a big smile on his face.
"Darling," he says to her, "I've at last found a job."
"Mazeltov," says Hannah. "So what's the job like?"
"It's a four days a week job," replies Benny, "and includes 7 weeks paid holiday each year. Overtime is at double-rate, and the job comes with a small company car car."
At first, Hannah can't help smiling at this news, but then she gets serious and says to him, "That's sounds great, darling, but what's the catch? There must be a catch somewhere."
"No, there's no catch," replies Benny. "You start tomorrow."
mechuleh: finished, destroyed, gone bankrupt
(#2163) Jury service
For the first time in his life, Moshe receives a letter telling him he is to be on Jury Service. On the appointed day, he joins many other prospective jurors in court for the official swearing in process. When his turn arrives, Moshe says to the judge, "I think it best you send me home, Mr Judge. I'll be of no use to you."
"Please explain why you want me to excuse you from Jury Service, Mr Gold." asks the judge.
"Because I'm prejudiced, that's why," replies Moshe. "I've always been a prejudiced person."
"Give me an example," says the judge.
"Well," replies Moshe, "I'm looking at the prisoner right now and I can say, without a shadow of doubt, that from the way he looks, he's absolutely, definitely guilty."
"Mr Gold," says the judge, "the prisoner is not yet in court. The man you're looking at is the prisoner's barrister!"
(#2164) It couldn't be worse
After eating in the new local restaurant, Hymie the khozzer decides never to eat there again. He thought their long sausage brought out the vurst in him.
khozzer: a pig (animal) as well as a pig (human). a gluttonous or insatiable person
vurst: sausage, such as salami or bologna
(#2165) Time travel
Miriam and her friend Renee meet up in their local cafe for their usual chat. The subject of their discussion this time is the untimely death of one of their friends.
"I felt absolutely terrible when I heard the news about Sonia," says Miriam.
"Yes," says Renee, "I too felt awful on hearing the sad news, especially as she was the same age as us. If only I could find out in advance exactly where I'm going to die."
"Why?" asks Miriam, "What good would it do if you knew where?"
"Because I would then make sure I never go there," Miriam replies.
(#2166) The joke's on you
[My thanks to Alfred J for the following]
Peter, a well known anti-semite, walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by with kippa, tzitzis, and payess. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. So Peter shouts over to the bartender so everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that guy over there," pointing to the Jewish guy.
Soon after the drinks have been handed out, Peter notices that the Jewish guy is smiling. This infuriates him and in a loud voice, he once again orders drinks for everyone except the Jewish guy. But as before, this does not seem to worry the Jewish guy who continues to smile. So he says to the barman, "What the hell's the matter with that guy over there, barman? I've ordered two round of drinks for everyone in the bar except that guy, and all he does is smile and look happy. Is he mentally retarded or what?"
"No, he's absolutely normal," replies the barman. "He's the owner of this bar."
(#2167) Growing up fast
[My thanks to Hilary A for the following]
It's census time and the Levy's haven't yet returned their Census form. So a clerk from the council goes round to their house to remind them to do so. When the door opens, there stands 6 year old Sarah Levy. So the clerk says to her, "Hello little girl, is your father in?"
"No," says Sarah, "he's a doctor and he's carrying out an appendectomy operation at the hospital."
The clerk smiles and says, "Appendectomy - that's a very big word for a little girl. Do you know what it means?"
"Of course I do," replies Sarah, "I'm not stupid. It means £3,500 and it doesn't include the cost of my uncle, the anaesthetist."
(#2168) You're never alone
15 year old Jonathan, a member of the London Maccabi Club, is on his first club adventure holiday during which he is hopefully going to learn all about out-of-town survival. Together with 10 other teenagers and Emanuel, their group leader, they have arrived at their destination, a forest in the middle of France. There are no other people around for miles.
Emanuel asks Jonathan to help him unpack their survival equipment. As he unpacks, Jonathan finds ropes, hunting knives, torches, matches, compasses, flare rockets, walkie-talkie radios, and emergency rations. But what surprises Jonathan most is a sealed cardboard box with a Magen David on it labelled, "Ingredients plus recipe leaflet for making matzo balls."
So he says, "I don't understand this box, Emanuel. Why do I need to know how to make matzo balls? How is this going to help me if I get stranded somewhere?"
"You have to take my word on this, Jonathan," replies Emanuel. "Should, God forbid, you ever find yourself in a forest, with no food, with howling animals all around you, with no shelter from the cold, with darkness creeping in, and you're scared because all alone, you must take out this matzo ball kit and start following the instructions. And I promise you, within minutes, there will be at least 6 Jewish women around you telling you what you're doing wrong and what you must do to make the perfect matzo ball."
Magen David: Star of David, the 6 pointed star that is the national symbol of Israel
Matzo: Unleavened bread eaten during week of Passover; a matzo ball is a dumpling made from ground matzos.
(#2169) Condition of performance
Moshe, the famous British billionaire, meets up with Neil Diamond during Neil's very successful British 2011 tour and says, "Hi Neil. I was wondering whether you would be willing to perform at my son Shlomo's barmitzvah for £100,000."
Neil thinks about this offer for a while then replies, "OK Moshe, I'll do it on one condition."
"And what's that, Neil?" asks Moshe.
"I'll do it as long as I don't have to do the whole of the haftorah."
haftorah: a chapter from the Prophets, chanted in shul on sabbaths & festivals. Jewish boys have to spend many months learning the special system of cantilation in order to chant the haftorah on their barmitzvah day
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