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go to the one hundred and twentyeighth set of Jewish jokes
This is the one hundred and twentyseventh set of Jewish jokes
(#2150) Sound effects
"Did you have a nice seder, Maurice?" asks Issy.
"Yes, it was very good," replies Maurice, "especially as we had a singer amongst us with an unusual voice. We called him our matzo-soprano."
seder: The traditional evening home service and meal during Passover
matzo: Unleavened bread eaten during the week of Passover
(#2151) The excuse
Lionel gets a threatening letter from his bank and immediately goes to see his bank manager. "What's the meaning of this letter?" asks Lionel, angrily.
"We sent you this letter, Mr Levy, because you didn't have enough money in your account to cover your recent cheques," replies the manager. "Why didn't you top up your account first, as you usually do?"
"I couldn't," says Lionel, "because it was a Jewish Holy Day."
"Mr Levy," says the manager, "I'm surprised because I deal with a lot of Jewish clients and I thought I knew all of the Jewish Holy Days. So which Holy Day are you referring to?"
"Erev Mechuleh," replies Lionel
mechuleh: finished, destroyed, gone bankrupt
(#2152) The obsession
Jacob and his best friend Sidney are having a quiet chat about the advantages and disadvantages of marrying young. "I met my Naomi over 50 years ago," says Jacob, "when we were both 16. And almost immediately we started shtupping in my bedroom whilst my parents were out. It didn't take me long to propose to her."
"Wow!" says Sidney. "So you obviously believe in marrying young."
"Yes, you could say that," replies Jacob, "but there can also be problems if you marry before you really know your partner well. In my case, the disadvantage in marrying Naomi before I really knew her still affects me today."
"So tell me already," says Sidney.
"I was a very messy teenager, a shloch even," says Jacob. "Right from the start, every time we went up to my bedroom to shtup, Naomi looked around and said, 'Oy, what a shmutzy room. I'm not making love in here until it's been cleaned up.' And she meant it. She refused point blank to do so until she had thoroughly, and I mean thoroughly, cleaned and tidied up my room. I didn't know then that Naomi had and still has a major obsession with cleanliness."
"OK, but that was 50 years ago," says Sidney. "Why does her obsession affect you today?"
"Because every time I hear Naomi turn on the vacuum cleaner," replies Jacob, "I get an instant erection."
shtup/shtupping: make/making love
shloch: untidy slob
(#2153) High priority
[My thanks to Hilary A for the following]
When David, an up and coming author of Jewish joke books, arrives home after work, he's greeted at the front door by his wife Sonia. She's sobbing hysterically.
"What's the matter darling?" asks David, putting his arms around her and cuddling her.
"Oy Vay," cries Sonia, "there's been a terrible fire in our kitchen. I was frying some fish for our dinner when the phone rang. It was your agent wanting to bring you up to date with her progress in finding a publisher. But while I was talking to her, I didn't notice that I'd left the gas on high and within minutes the oil was ablaze. Then the kitchen units caught fire and within minutes, the whole kitchen was alight. If it wasn't for ...."
David suddenly interrupts her. "Hold on a second will you. Did you say my agent called? What did Barbara have to say?"
(#2154) How old are you?
90 year old David is surprised, but pleased nevertheless, when his grandsons Sam and Ollie come to visit him. During their visit, they can't help noticing how old David looks. Then Sam says to him, "Grandpa, how old are you really?"
David, being a bit of a joker, replies, "Well Sam, I'm very, very old. In fact, I'm so old that when I was your age, the Dead Sea wasn't even dead, it was only sick."
(#2155) The interview question
Arnold graduates from University with a 1st class degree and his tutors have told him that he's going to have a very successful career whatever he decides to do. One week later, after applying for a junior position with a firm of City solicitors, Arnold is being interviewed by Jeremy, their Personnel Manager. Jeremy prides himself in throwing in questions to test out how the candidate can handle issues outside of work.
"So Arnold," says Jeremy, "what would you do with one million pounds?"
"Well that's very nice of you," replies Arnold. "Although I wasn't expecting to start with such a high salary, I will of course be happy to accept the job."
(#2156) How are we doing?
One evening, Bernie says to his wife Ruth, "Have you noticed, darling, that the sparkle, excitement, and even the sex, seems to have disappeared from our marriage?"
"Not now," replies Ruth. "Let's talk about it during the next commercial break."
(#2157) A musical discussion
[My thanks to Peter M for the following]
Father Casey and Rabbi Levy are great friends and often meet for coffee at Brent Cross Shopping Centre where they discuss issues mainly of a religious nature. But today, they are talking about music, all types of music.
After 30 minutes of discussion, Rabbi Levy says, "So far, Father, we have agreed on most things musical. But I have to be honest - there is one piece of music that has always annoyed me."
"So what's that, Rabbi?" asks Father Casey.
"It's a song of yours that I've always hated, but unfortunately I just can't remember its name."
Just at that moment, Rabbi Levy overhears a lady talking on the table behind him. He can't hear exactly what she's saying but by the tone of her voice, she's obviously kvetching and kretchzing about something.
Rabbi Levy immediately says, "I remember now, Father, what it's called. It's called Oy Vay Maria."
kvetching: fretting, complaining, griping, grunting, sighing, moaning,
krechtzing: fussing and complaining with audible sound effects such as grunts ands groans
(#2158) Granting of the wish
[My thanks to Steven S for the following]
Moshe is tired of putting in a solid 8 hours at work every day for 6 days a week whereas his wife Rachel just has to stay at home. He thinks that this division of their time is quite unfair. They always argue about it, but Moshe can never get Rachel to see his side of things. So one morning he prays to God. "Dear Lord, please help me show my wife Rachel just what I have to go through every day. So I wish that Rachel and I could swap bodies for a day thus allowing her to see exactly what I have to go through."
God, in his infinite wisdom, grants Moshe his wish and next morning he wakes up as his wife.
Moshe gets dressed and cooks breakfast for his 'husband' who gulps it down without saying much and leaves for work. Moshe then goes upstairs and wakes up the children. He puts their school clothes on their beds and goes downstairs to make their breakfast After much shouting to them to come downstairs, they eventually put in an appearance. He packs their school lunches and drives them to their respective schools (which are 3 miles apart.)
On his way back home, Moshe stops off at Barclays Bank, queues for 10 minutes and eventually deposits some cheques. He then drives home, picks up the dry cleaning, gets back into his car and drives to the dry cleaners. He then goes into the kosher Deli and buys a roasting chicken, some fruit and vegetables and some Tomar margarine, queues at the check-out, then drives back home. He puts away the groceries, then gets out the mop and cleans the kitchen and toilet floors.
Moshe then sits down, checks all their outstanding invoices, chooses which need urgently paying, writes out the necessary cheques, puts them in envelopes, addresses them, and then walks the 300m to the nearest post box. When he returns, he takes their dog upstairs, bathes and dries him, then cleans and dries the bathroom floor. He then sits down for a quick bite to eat - a couple of slices of challah with some sardines and cucumber and a cup of tea. After he's washed and dried up, he goes upstairs, makes the three beds, picks up all the clothing littered on the floor and puts them in the washing machine. While he waits for the washing machine to finish, he does some dusting and some vacuuming.
He looks at his watch and, Oy Vay, it's time to pick up the kids from school. So he gets back in the car and drives to the two schools. In the car on their way back home, the children start arguing and hitting each other and he has to stop the car and read out the riot act to them. Back home, he makes them some milk shakes (one raspberry and one blackcurrant) and puts some biscuits on a plate. When they've finished, he washes up then spends time helping them with their homework - one has the history of King James I and the other has the life of Abraham and Sarah. Later, the boys rush upstairs to play on their computers. Moshe gets out the ironing board and does some ironing, interspersed with going upstairs on a regular basis to check that neither boy is looking at any prohibited material. He then peels the potatoes, washes and slices the vegetables, cuts the bread, and peels the fruit in readiness for their evening meal (tonight it's roast chicken.)
His 'husband' returns from work and not long after, they have their evening meal. As soon as it's finished, the men go into the lounge and watch TV while Moshe cleans the table of plates etc and puts them in the dishwasher. Soon after, Moshe has a hard job getting the boys to move away from the TV and go upstairs for their bath - his 'husband' doesn't help. Eventually Moshe gets the children washed, dried and put into bed. He then goes downstairs and puts his feet up. He watches TV for a while. Not long after, Moshe goes to bed - and although he's tired out and just wants to go to sleep, his 'husband' first of all requires some lovemaking. This Moshe just about manages to complete he goes to sleep at last.
When he wakes up next morning, he's still in Rachel's body, so he prays again to God. "Dear Lord, I have learned a hard lesson. I was totally wrong to think my Rachel has an easy job. I now know she has a much harder job to do than mine, and it's much more tiring as well. So please could you swap our bodies back."
God, in his infinite wisdom, replies, "My son, I feel that you have learned your lesson and so I will be happy to change things back to the way they were ...but you'll have to wait nine months before I swap you both back. Your 'husband' got you pregnant last night."
(#2159) Some are different
[My thanks to Keith Reitman for the following]
Benny was so rich and so orthodox that he tried to hire a member of a reform shul to be a Shabbes goy
Shabbes goy: someone asked by orthodox Jews to perform chores on shabbes - chores of which are forbidden to the devout on a shabbes
go to the one hundred and twentyeighth set of Jewish jokes
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