THE JEWISH JOKES OF www.awordinyoureye.com

BACK TO INDEX PAGE

go to the one hundred and twentysixth set of Jewish jokes

This is the one hundred and twentyfifth set of Jewish jokes


(#2130) There's a reason - I'm not stupid

[My thanks to BMS for the following]
It's gone 11pm and Isaac is driving his girlfriend Sarah home after enjoying a great evening out in a London disco. They are still some way from her house when, after much discussion, they decide to  look for a quiet place to park. Isaac soon finds a suitable lay-by in a very dark deserted road, parks his car, turns on his internal reading light, takes out a computer magazine, and starts to read.
But a passing police car notices Isaac's car parked just off the main road with it's reading light on and stops to investigate. The police officer walks over to Isaac's car, looks inside and is surprised to see the driver reading a magazine and a girl sitting in the back seat. So he taps on the window.
"Can I help you officer?" asks Isaac, lowering his window.
"Please tell me what you're doing parked here in this deserted road. Are you up to some mischief?" asks the officer.
"Not at all, officer," replies Isaac, "I'm just reading my magazine."
"And the young lady sitting in the back seat," says the officer, "what is she doing?"
"Isaac turns round, looks at Sarah, and replies, "I think she's doing her nails, officer."
The officer is still a bit suspicious, so he turns to Isaac, looks him in the eyes and asks, "What's your name and how old are you?"
Isaac replies, "My name is Isaac Levy and I'm 20 years old, officer."
Pointing to Sarah, the officer then asks, "and who is the girl in the back seat and how old is she?"
Looking carefully at his watch, Isaac replies, "Her name is Sarah Goldman, officer, and in  ..........13 minutes, 12 seconds time, she'll be 16 years old."

16 years old: age of consent in UK

(#2131) The birthday present
[My thanks to Peter M for the following]
It's morning and as soon as he wakes up, Isaac remembers that today is his wife Esther's birthday. So he goes downstairs into the kitchen, walks over to Esther, gives her a kush on the cheek and says, Happy Birthday, darling."
"Thank you," says Esther, "I'm surprised you remembered."
"Well I did," says Isaac, "and not only that, if we get dressed now, I'll take you to a great store I've been told about and you can choose your birthday present."
"Oy veh Isaac," says Esther. "Are you feeling alright? You haven't bought me a present for years."
"Well things sometimes change," says Isaac. "I've just been given a raise by my boss. So come on, get dressed and we'll go right away. There's no time like the present."
Not long afterwards, Isaac drives Esther into town, parks the car and takes Esther to buy her present. As they approach the shop, Isaac says to her, "OK Petal, my little Honeybunch, why don't you browse around. Choose anything you like and when you've chosen, I'll come over and pay for it."
Although Esther is quite excited by this, she is still suspicious because to family and friends, Isaac is known as a karger. As she goes into the shop, she happens to look up and her smile is quickly wiped off her face. The sign above the door says, WELCOME TO POUNDSTRETCHER
NOTE: For those of you who are worried about Isaac, I've been told that he's expected to be fit enough to leave hospital next week

kush: a kiss
Petal, Honeybunch: terms of endearment
karger: a cheapskate, a miser, a skinflint, a tightwad


(#2132) A riddle
Q: How many surgeons are required at a bris to perform the circumcision?
A: Four skin surgeons

(#2133) The theft of a violin
During Joshua's trial for stealing an expensive violin, Max, his defence counsel, asks him, "I'm astonished, Joshua, to see you here in court today. You're Jewish, aren't you?"
"Yes I am," replies Joshua, "and I'm proud to be so."
"That's why I'm so surprised about the theft allegation made against you," says Max. "Jews very rarely get involved in criminal theft because it's just not in their character to steal. Am I correct?"
"Yes, you're correct," says Joshua.
"OK," says Max. "So coming back to the accusation that you stole the violin, you can't play a violin can you Joshua?"
"No," replies Joshua, "I can't even play one note on a violin."
"Well if you can't play even one note on a violin," says Max, "why did you take the violin from your next door neighbour?".
"Because," replies Joshua, "my neighbour has been driving me mad at night - he also can't play a single note on a violin!"

(#2134) The walls of Jericho
During his morning cheder class, Maurice, the Jewish history teacher, asks young Simon Levy, "Who blew down the walls of Jericho, Simon?"
Simon answers, "It wasn't me, teacher. Honest."
Maurice is surprised by Simon's answer and decides to phone Simon's father after class.
"Mr Levy," he says, "I thought I should tell you something about your son Simon. Just now, during my history class, I asked him who blew down the walls of Jericho and was surprised when he answered that it wasn't him."
"Well," says Mr Levy, "my Simon is an honest boy, a mensh even. If my Simon says it wasn't him, then I can guarantee you it wasn't him."
Within minutes, the 'Jericho story' starts going round the school until near to home time, the school's rabbi calls into Maurice's office and says, "I've just heard that when you asked Simon Levy who blew down the walls of Jericho, he said it wasn't him. Is that true, Maurice?"
"Yes," replies Maurice. "And I can also confirm that his father vouches for Simon's total honesty."
The rabbi goes immediately into the Chairman's office and says, "Mr Chairman, I think you'll be interested in this story about Simon Levy. When his teacher Maurice asked him who blew down the walls of Jericho, Simon said it wasn't him. And to back it up, Simon's father vouched for his son's honesty. So I then asked Maurice whether he ....
At his point, the Chairman interrupts and says, "OK, alright already. You don't need to go on, rabbi. I've got an important meeting to attend in 5 minutes time. Just arrange to get the walls fixed as soon as you can and ask the builder to send me his invoice."

Cheder: a school for Jewish children in which Hebrew and religious knowledge are taught.


(#2135) Jewish texting codes for Seniors - part 2 (see #2125 for part 1)
[My thanks to Asher P for the following]
GS - goldenhaired shiksa
GT - goyisha tam [gentile taste]
JLG - just like a goy
MRM - Madoff ruined me
MSTD - my son the doctor   
MSTL - my son the lawyer
SNFY - she's not for you
 
(#2136) No longer a young man
[My thanks to Asher P for the following]
One morning during breakfast, Rivkah notices that her husband Maurice is unusually quiet. So she asks him, "Oy Maurice, why the silence? Normally I can't get you to stop talking during breakfast."
"It's just hit me hard Rivkah," he replies, "that I'm 60 years old and no longer a young man. So I've been doing a lot of thinking."
"So tell me already," she asks, "what great conclusion have you come to?"
"Well for one thing," he replies, "if I were to die suddenly in the not-too-distant future, I'd want you to immediately sell all my belongings."  
"That's a bit negative, isn't it Maurice?" replies Rivkah. "But in any case, why would you want me to sell all of your belongings?"
"Well I believe that not long after I die, you'd probably remarry. And I definitely don't want some shmuck using my things."
With a serious look on her face, Rivkah says, "So what makes you think that I would want to marry another shmuck?"

(#2137) Invitation to a tea
[My thanks to Hilary A for the following]
Daniel rings his friend. "Hi Arnold," he says, "how are you and Ruth getting on in your new house?"
"Its nice of you to ring," says Arnold. "Everything so far is fine. We've only today finally unpacked everything. So if you're not doing anything this Sunday, why don't you and Carolyn come over for tea? We're not more than 20 miles away from you."
"Thanks for the invite," replies Daniel. "Carolyn's not going to her Israeli dance class on Sunday and so we would be glad to come over to see this wondrous new modern house of yours - and no doubt plutz a bit as well."
"Great," says Arnold. "Do you need directions to get here?"
"No, not at all," replies Daniel. "You've already given me your new address, and I've got my car navigator, as well as a 'navigator override' to help me."
"What's a 'navigator override'?" asks Arnold.
"Carolyn," replies Daniel.

(#2138) Oy, what was it?
Harry goes to see doctor Myers. As soon as he enters the doctor's office, Harry says, "Oy, doctor, am I in trouble!"
"Why, what's the matter?" asks doctor Myers.
"I can't remember what I ate for breakfast this morning, doctor, or where I had lunch yesterday, or even whether I went to shul last shabbes. I can't even remember my Hebrew name. I think I'm going meshugga."
"So when did this all start?" asks doctor Myers.
"When did what all start?" replies Harry.

(#2139) The youth of today
19 year old Rachel is getting married and just before her wedding day, her elderly bubbeh is picked up and brought round to her parent's house for a family tea. It was then that her bubbeh gives Rachel her wedding present. Rachel opens the parcel, looks at the present, then rummages around a bit. Then she goes over to her bubbeh, kisses her, and says, "Oh bubbeh, thank you so much for this lovely present."
Oy, darling," says bubbeh, "I'm so pleased that you like it."
"What new bride wouldn't like such a magnificent solid silver sewing basket," says Rachel. "It's got all the bits and pieces inside - reels of cotton, needles of all sizes, two lovely silver thimbles, and other things that I don't recognise. But bubbeh, I've already looked inside the basket - there doesn't seem to be any instruction leaflet. Do you know where it is?"


go to the one hundred and twentysixth set of Jewish jokes

BACK TO INDEX PAGE

Copyright © 2001-2011 David Minkoff
The information on this page may be freely copied for private use.
If you would like to use this information for commercial purposes, please contact me via my home page.