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go to the one hundred and twentyfourth set of Jewish jokes
This is the one hundred and twentythird set of Jewish jokes
(#2110) The rabbi's test question
[My thanks to Rabbi C for the following]
Rabbi Landau decides to visit his shul's junior Hebrew class just before Rosh Hashanah and give them a brief demonstration of blowing the shofar. So holding his shofar clearly in his hand, he enters the classroom.
"Good morning children," he says to them.
"Good morning rabbi," they reply.
"I have an easy question for you," says Rabbi Landau. "Can anyone tell me what they will see in our shul on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur but not at any other time?"
Little Lawrence immediately puts up his hand and replies, "Yes rabbi, I know the answer. It's my mother."
shofar: A ram's horn blown in synagogue during services for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur
(#2111) Keeping shtoom
While Miriam is out shopping, she sees her next door neighbour Leah. "I'm so glad we've met," says Miriam, "because I've been wanting to discuss something with you about the Smiths - you know, the couple who recently moved into our street."
"So tell me already," says Leah, "what about them?"
"Have you met Mrs Smith yet?" asks Miriam.
"No I haven't," replies Leah.
"Well I have," says Miriam, "and I tell you Leah, she's not a very nice woman. All she did was complain about her shmendrick of a husband. She spoke non stop about the poor man for at least 15 minutes on what he does wrong, what he should have done but didn't, why he doesn't earn enough money, how he takes a bath only once a month, and so on."
"Oy, that wasn't very nice of her," says Leah.
"You can say that again, Leah," says Miriam. "I know my husband Shmuel doesn't help me with any of the household chores, lies to me a lot, doesn't go to shul as regularly as he should, spends our hard earned money on the horses, drinks too much whiskey, flirts with all the ladies even though he's a very poor lover, and that sometimes I just wish he would drop down dead. But even so, I just wouldn't go around telling everybody about him."
shtoom: keep quiet
shmendrick: inept and foolish weaking
(#2112) Marriage test
[My thanks to Laurence F for the following]
Sadie and Arnold are always arguing and agree to see a marriage counsellor. When they arrive at the counsellor's office, he says to them, "Before we begin, I'd be grateful if you could both answer a very short questionnaire I've prepared for you. It will help me plan how best to address your problems. It will take each of you less than a minute to complete."
He then hands out a pencil and a copy of the questionnaire to both of them. On the questionnaire is typed just one question:
Please punctuate the following: -
WOMAN WITHOUT HER MAN IS NOTHING
When the counsellor collects the completed questionnaires, he looks over their answers and says, "Oy veh, I can see from your answers that I'll need many sessions with you both."
These are the answers he read: -
Arnold wrote, "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
Sadie wrote, "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
(#2113) Five truths of life
(1) Men find it impossible to stick out their tongues and look up at the ceiling at the same time.
(2) All shmucks, after reading (1), will try it out for themselves.
(3) And they'll discover that (1) is a trick statement and is not true.
(4) You're smiling now because you realise that you're a shmuck.
(5) You'll now forward #2113 to another shmuck
(#2114) What a mix-up!
[My thanks to Alfred J for the following]
Moshe the Florist is in his shop arranging some flowers when his phone rings. "Hello," says Moshe, "how can I help you?"
"Help me?" says the lady caller. "That's a laugh. You can't help me. My name is Freda Cohen and I'm ringing to complain about the terrible service I've just had from you. You've got a chutzpah calling yourself a florist."
"So what's the problem, Mrs Cohen?" asks Moshe.
"Well last week," replies Freda, "I relocated my kosher restaurant to Golders Green and today is my Grand Opening. So nu? What do I receive from your shop? A funeral wreath, that's what. And not only that - it came with the message: -
SORRY TO HEAR THE NEWS
WITH SINCEREST SYMPATHIES
"Is this some kind of chauvinist joke you're pulling?" asks Freda. "Are you trying to run my new shop down before it's even started?"
Moshe immediately realises that he must have mixed up two orders and sent them to the wrong addresses.
"I'm terribly, terribly sorry Mrs Cohen," says Moshe, "It's not like me to make such a mistake. I've obviously mixed up two orders and sent each to the wrong customer. I'll send you the correct order right away."
"OK, but who got my order, and what was the message I should have received with it?" asks Freda.
Moshe looks up his records and then goes white - because he realises that instead of receiving the funeral wreath, the other customer had received a large vase containing masses of velvety, deep red roses with a black ribbon on them with the message: -
BEST OF LUCK IN YOUR NEW LOCATION
(#2115) The present
It's 8am in the morning and Miriam finally awakens from a deep sleep. She immediately turns to her husband Jonathan, nudges him, and says, "Oy darling, what a lovely dream I've just had."
"So tell me already," asks Jonathan. "What dream did you have this time?"
"I dreamed that you gave me a beautiful 1 carat diamond ring for our wedding anniversary. That's what I just dreamed."
"Mazeltov on your dream," says Jonathan.
"So what do you think such a dream means?" asks Miriam. "After all, it's our anniversary tomorrow."
"Be patient," replies Jonathan. "Wait until tonight when I get back from work and then you'll know what it means."
All day long, Miriam can't think of anything other than the diamond ring. Finally, Jonathan returns home. As soon as he takes off his coat, he hands Miriam a gold paper wrapped small package. Excited, Miriam immediately opens it and inside finds a book titled, 'The Meanings Of All Your Dreams.'
(#2116) Ark Riddles
Q: What animal could Noah never trust?
A: The cheetah.
Q: Why did Noah think that the horses were being too pessimistic?
A: Because they kept on saying neigh.
(#2117) The wrong date
Talya, aged 29, has not been able to find a suitable man to marry, so her mother contacts a shadchen and a date is hastily arranged. The morning after the date, Talya's best friend Natalie phones her to find out how she got on.
"If you really want to know what I thought of Arnold," says Talya, "I can tell you that it was the worst date I have ever been on. What a nebbish he turned out to be. I had an awful time."
"Oh Talya," says Natalie, "I'm so sorry to hear that. So where did he take you?"
"He took me to a kosher snack bar," replies Talya. "But once inside, Arnold just didn't seem to notice that everyone there seemed to me to be over 50. Then he ordered food for us without even asking me what I wanted. He ordered cold salt beef sandwiches on rye bread with latkes followed by lemon tea. There was no wine - and you know how much I love wine with my meals."
"So what did you do after that?" asks Natalie.
"He took me to a dance at his local club," replies Talya. "Not many people were there and the music played was so out-of-date that I turned down most of his requests to get up and dance with him. And even when I did dance with him, his dancing ability was ....., well you just don't want to know about it."
"So what did you talk about?" asks Natalie.
"We didn't talk much because he knew almost gornisht about my favourite celebrities and pop stars."
"So why did you agree to go out with him in the first place?" asks Natalie.
"It was entirely my fault," replies Talya. "I should have known right from the start how my evening was going to turn out because he arrived at my house in a 1950 silver Bentley Continental."
"Wow!" says Natalie. "But that wouldn't have been reason to turn him down - he must be quite a rich guy. A Bentley is a very expensive and desirable car."
"I know it is," replies Talya, "but he was also the original owner of the car - he bought it from new!"
nebbish: a nobody, inept, innocuous, ineffectual
(#2118) The Great Lecture
Albert Einstein gives a very important lecture to the scientific community on his ground-breaking theories on Quantum and Relativity. At the end of his spectacular talk, his audience give him a well deserved standing ovation. Albert Einstein then leaves the podium and makes his way back to his study. As he does this, one of his fellow professors notices that instead of having a very contented look on his face, Albert Einstein appears very gloomy. So he follows Albert Einstein to his study and says to him, "What a fantastic, brilliant speech, Albert. I have never heard anything finer. But why are you looking so down-in-the-mouth? What possible reason can you have for looking so unhappy?"
"Thank you my friend for thinking of me," replies Albert Einstein. "But I have reason enough to be sad. My wife doesn't understand me."
(#2119) Some suggestions for 'breads of affliction'
Jews traditionally go to the sea or a river or a lake or a similar mass of water on Rosh Hashana. They do this not only to pray, but also to throw bread crumbs into the water. Symbolically, this is to allow fish to devour their sins. This ceremony is called tashlich.
The following are some suggestions for the types of bread most appropriate for specific sins and misbehaviours. The sins are listed alphabetically.
FOR TYPE OF SIN APPROPRIATE TYPE OF BREAD
Dressing up immodestly....Tarts
Drugs usage........................Poppy seed
(harm the) Environment......Dumplings
(being) Holier than thou......Bagels
(excessive) Irony.................Rye bread
(telling bad) Jokes..............Corn bread
Laziness..............................Any long loaf
Raising voice too often......Challah
Substance abuse...............Stoned wheat
(giving poor) Value............Shortbread
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