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go to the one hundred and twentysecond set of Jewish jokes

This is the one hundred and twentyfirst set of Jewish jokes


(#2090) A new perspective

[My thanks to Hilary for the following]
A great rosh yeshiva is sitting at a wedding reception with his wife (yes, his wife) next to him. When the dessert arrives, his eyes open wide and he smiles. He then takes a huge slice of cake, then another, then....
His wife looks at him and says, "You really shouldn't be having that."
And he replies, "That's it! From now onwards, separate seating at simchas!"

rosh yeshiva: Title given to the president of a Talmudical academy (yeshiva). It is made up of the Hebrew words rosh (head) and yeshiva (a school of religious Jewish education.)  The rosh yeshiva is required to have a vast and penetrating knowledge of the Talmud and the ability to achieve a level of mastery of his material and an ability to analyse and present new perspectives, called chidushim (novellae), verbally and often in print.
simcha: A joyous celebration


(#2091) Good news dentistry
[My thanks to Alfred J for the following]
Hymie is sitting in the dentist's chair and is just about to have some extensive and expensive cosmetic work carried out on his teeth. Adrian his dentist smiles at him and says, "Just before I start, Hymie, I'd like to tell you how lucky you are coming to me for this work. When I've finished with you, you'll be another man entirely."
"I'm pleased to hear that, Adrian" says Hymie. "So don't forget to send your invoice to this other man."

(#2092) Overly ambitious
Jeremy is a hard working young man (but a khochem he's not) and always tries his best in everything he does. He has just passed his London bus driver's test and is given a bus route around the streets of Paddington.
At the end of his first day, Jeremy goes over to the depot manager and hands over takings of £55. At the end of his second day, Jeremy hands over takings of £65 and at the end of his third day, Jeremy hands over takings of £42. But then, at the end of his fourth day, Jeremy hands over takings of £375. His depot manager is astounded.
 "Well done Jeremy," says the depot manager. "This is by far the highest amount we've ever taken on the Paddington route. So what happened today to bring in so much money?"
"On my first three days," replies Jeremy, "I was picking up only a small number of local passengers from the minor roads and backstreets around Paddington. But I was convinced I could do better. I knew Paddington was not too far from the West End of London, so this morning I drove my bus over to Oxford Street and Bond Street and worked there instead. And oy, what gold mines those two streets are!"

khochem: a wise or brilliant person


(#2093) The life saver
[My thanks to Hilary for the following]
Renee has recently gone through a messy divorce and is now beginning to unwind a bit. So she arranges to meet her friend Esther for coffee.
Esther asks, "So, Renee, what are you going to do with your life now that Robert has left it?"
"You might not believe this, Esther," replies Renee, "but I want to learn how to save someone's life. I want to put something back into the community. So last month I enrolled on a CPR course."
"Mazeltov," says Esther, looking a bit farmisht. " ....... but what exactly is CPR?"
"Suppose someone near you suffers a cardiac arrest or collapses with a choking fit," replies Renee. "You might be able to save their life by giving them cardio-pulmonary resuscitation, or CPR for short, until the ambulance arrives."
"Oy, this CPR sounds very complicated," says Esther. "I bet it's difficult to learn."
"Well I've only been to two classes, but so far it seems quite easy," replies Renee. "And next week certainly won't be a problem for me."
"Why not?" asks Esther.
"Because we're going to be taught how to breath life into a dummy," replies Renee, "and that's something I had been doing regularly for over 12 years."

farmisht: mixed up, befuddled, confused


(#2094)  The weighing machine
[My thanks to Laurence F for the following]
Mervyn and his wife Sarah are waiting for their train at St Pancras Station when Mervyn notices a new weighing machine nearby. "I'm going to weigh myself," he says to Sarah. They both walk over to the machine.
Before Mervyn stands on the machine, he reads the instructions. He then turns to Sarah and says, "It seems that weighing machines are becoming more technical. This one will print out a card giving me not only my weight, but also an honest description of my personality."
"So weigh yourself already," says Sarah.
Mervyn gets on the machine and puts in a £1 coin. Immediately a printed card is issued. Mervyn takes the card and reads it.
"Well come on, what does it say?" asks Sarah.
"It says that I'm a very loving, considerate, helpful, and generous man. Here, read it for yourself," replies Mervyn, passing the card to Sarah.
Sarah reads the card and says, "This machine is an utter waste of time. It's got your weight completely wrong as well."

(#2095) The restaurant mascot
[My thanks to Diane M for the following]
One day, Nathan sits down at a table in "Minky's Kosher Restaurant." He's never eaten there before but has such a fantastic meal that he decides he will always eat there. Being a friendly and generous person, he quickly becomes the restaurant's favourite customer. Victor the manager even reserves a special table for him and every day over the next ten years, Nathan could be seen eating there. 
But then business at Minky's begins to fall off and Victor decides to do some marketing - he puts a notice in the window:
COME IN TO MINKY'S AND EAT WITH NATHAN
IF OUR FOOD IS GOOD FOR HIM, IT MUST BE GOOD FOR YOU TOO

Business immediately picks up. All is going well again. But then one day, oy veh, Nathan doesn't turn up and Victor begins to worry. When Nathan doesn't turn up the next day either, Victor tries to phones him, but gets no reply. Victor phones not only the local hospital but also Nathan's daughter in Israel. But no-one knows where Nathan might be.
When Nathan doesn't turn up at the restaurant for the third day in a row, Victor panics. He's just about to call the police when he looks out his window and sees Nathan on the other side of the road going into "Rokeys Kosher Restaurant." Victor immediately leaves his restaurant, crosses the road and goes into Rokeys. He spots Nathan at a corner table, goes over to him, and angrily asks, "What's the meaning of this Nathan? Where have you been the last three nights? We've all been worried sick about you. Couldn't you have phoned or something?  After all we've done for you. And what on earth are you doing in here of all places? Didn't I tell you that Rokey and I are bitter sworn enemies? What have you got to say for yourself?"
"Calm down Victor," says Nathan. "I had a bad tooth ache the other day and went to see my dentist. He checked my tooth and said I needed root canal treatment. And after removing the infected nerve, he gave me some pills and said it was very important that I eat on the other side for the next few days. So here I am."

(#2096) An easy question to answer?
Monty sits down at a table at his local deli and orders a humus, tahini and pickle sandwich. Five minutes later, his waiter arrives with his sandwich. But oy veh, Monty can't help noticing that the waiter is holding the sandwich down on the plate with his thumb.
"I'm not meshugga you know," says Monty. "You don't think I'm accepting that sandwich with your thumb all over it?"
"Well surely you don't want the sandwich to fall on the floor again?" says the waiter.

(#2097) Problem solving
[My thanks to Charles K for the following]
A gabbai approaches a guest in the shul and says to him, "I want to give you an aliyah. What's your Hebrew name?"
"It's Rivkah bas Tzvi," replies the man.
"No," says the gabbai, "I need your name, not your wife's name."
But the man says, "It really is Rivkah bas Tzvi."
"I'm confused then," says the gabbai. "How can that really be your name?"
The man answers, "I'm currently having some major financial problems and everything, and I mean everything, has been put in my wife's name."

(#2098) An Israeli Riddle
Q: Why do Israeli scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats into the water?
A: Because if they fell forwards off their boats, they'd still be in their boats.

(#2099) The audition
[My thanks to Brian C for the following]
Monty and Rachel, both in their 70's, are walking past the Dominion Theatre one lunch time, when they notice a crowd gathered outside the Theatre entrance. "What do you think is happening?" asks Rachel.
"I read about this in today's Times," Monty replies. "They're casting for Star Wars The Musical."
Rachel is a bit hard of hearing and says, "What did you say? Are whores unusual?"
"No Rachel," replies Monty, "I said, Star Wars The Musical. It's a new show that's soon going to be running here."
"Did you say it's soon going to be raining here?" asks Rachel.
Monty knows what to do whenever Rachel acts this way. So he adjusts the volume on Rachel's hearing aid to its highest setting. Then he replies, "No Rachel, they're auditioning for a new musical show."
"Wow!" says Rachel. "Ever since I was a little girl, I've always yearned to be on the stage. If you don't mind, I think I'll join the queue for the auditions. Where will I find you afterwards?"
"We just passed a pub on the corner of the road. I'll be in there. Best of luck."
Two hours later, Rachel enters the pub with a large smile on her face. "You look remarkably happy," says Monty."
"What do you mean I look remarkably crappy?" asks Rachel.
Once again Monty reaches over and turns up Rachel's hearing aid volume. "I said you look remarkably happy. How did the audition go?"
"Oh, I'm so thrilled, Monty," replies Rachel. "I've got the part of Deaf Aider."

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