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go to the one hundred and twentyfirst set of Jewish jokes

This is the one hundred and twentieth set of Jewish jokes


(#2080) The three kosher parrots

Benjy is in MOSHE'S KOSHER PETS to find a suitable pet parrot. As he's walking around, he sees a group of three parrots in a large cage. So he calls over Moshe, points to the blue parrot and asks, "How much is that parrot?"
Moshe replies, "That lovely parrot is £350."
"Oy," says Benjy. "Why is it so expensive?"
"I've priced the blue parrot at £350 because it has learnt the whole of the Tanach off by heart," replies Moshe.
And to prove it, Moshe goes over to the cage and recites the first few words of Deuteronomy Chapter 1 Verse 6, "The Lord our God spoke unto us in Horeb saying."
As soon as he stops, the blue parrot immediately continues with, "Ye have dwelt long enough in this mount."
Although impressed with the blue parrot, it was too expensive, so Benjy points to the yellow and green parrot and asks, "And how much is this parrot?"
Moshe replies, "That parrot is £800."
"Oy veh," says Benjy. "It's even more expensive than the blue one. Why?"
Moshe replies, "Because the yellow and green parrot knows and can discuss the whole of the Talmud."
And to prove it, Moshe goes over to the cage and asks, "Nashim is one of the six orders of the Mishnah. What are the components of Nashim?"
And the yellow and green parrot immediately replies, "Yevamot, Ketubot, Nedarim, Nazir, Sotah, Gittin, and Kiddushin."
Although very impressed with the yellow and green parrot, it too was far too expensive. So Benjy points to the red parrot and hoping it was affordable asks, "And how much is the red parrot?"
Moshe replies, "That parrot is £2,000."
"Oy vey iz meer," says Benjy. "What on earth can this parrot do that's so special to make it excessively expensive?"
"Well," replies Moshe, "I've not yet been able to discover what his talent is, but what I do know is that the other two parrots call him Rabbi."

Tanach: Five Books of Moses, the Prophets and Writings
Talmud: Comprises 2 components (Mishna and Gemara) relating to Rabbinic discussions on Jewish law, ethics, philosophy, customs and history


(#2081) Diminishing returns
Moshe goes to see his doctor and returns home to his wife ashen-faced. “What’s wrong, Moshe?” Sadie asks.
“Doctor Myers has just told me I’ve only 24 hours to live,” he replies.
Oy veh,” says Sadie. What are we going to do?”
“Well given the prognosis," replies Moshe, "I would like to make love to you now.”  
Naturally, Sadie agrees and so they make love.
6 hours later Moshe goes to Sadie and says, "Darling, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"  
Sadie agrees, of course, and they do it again.
Evening comes and as Moshe gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches Sadie’s shoulder and asks, "Darling, please... just one more time before I die?"  
"Of course, darling," she replies wearily and they make love for the third time.
After this session, Sadie rolls over and soon falls to sleep. Moshe, however, worries about his impending end and tosses and turns until he's down to 4 more hours. He shakes Sadie awake and says, "Darling, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..."
At this point Sadie sits up and says, "Listen Moshe, please leave me alone. I have to get up early in the morning to arrange a levoyah ... you don't."

levoyah: funeral


(#2082) Mistaken identity
60 year old Sadie still feels sexually active but the same certainly can't be said for her husband Bernie. So after many months of nil activity, she says to him, "Bernie, since we are no longer lovers, from now onwards I want you to call me Mrs Goldman. OK?"
"Yes dear," he replies wearily. "If that's what you want."
"It is," she says.
A few weeks later, whilst Sadie is reading in bed and Bernie is asleep next to her, he fidgets a bit and accidentally jabs her in her back with his bony knee. "Quick Bernie, quick," she shouts at him, "Call me Sadie and I'll turn over for you."

(#2083) Hymie the vet
[My thanks to Alfred J for the following joke]
There is a small Kentucky town that owns just one cow. It's an important cow because it provides much of the town with their daily milk. But when the cow dies suddenly, the mayor meets the townsfolk and tells them, "I know a cattle dealer from just across the State line in Illinois who's willing to sell us a replacement cow for only $300. What do you think?" The townsfolk immediately vote in favour. And what a fantastic purchase this turns out to be because from day one onwards, the cow starts to produce an abundance of milk.
Six months later, the townsfolk buy a bull to mate with their cow. They aim to breed a few more 'productive' cows just like the one they have and never again have to worry about 'milk supply' problems. But things don't work out as planned because every time the bull tries to mount the cow, the cow quickly moves away. This goes on non-stop for two weeks and so the mayor calls in Hymie The Vet to help solve their problem.
"Hymie," says the mayor, "no matter how the bull tries to mount the cow, whether he approaches her from the left, or from the right, or from behind, he just can't 'get his way' with her. She just always moves away. What do you think is happening?"
"Your story is a very interesting one," replies Hymie, "but I think I have an explanation. I've come across this type of behaviour many times before. Did you buy your cow from Illinois?"
The mayor is amazed. He never thought their cow's birthplace had anything to do with her behaviour. "Yes, it's true," replies the mayor, "our cow did come from Illinois. How did you know?"
With a vacant look in his eye, Hymie replies, "Because my wife originates from Illinois."

(#2084) The speedy bubbeh
Freda is over 90 years old and lives in Tel Aviv. And she still drives her car to the local shops and to shul every week. But then one day she is caught speeding. When asked by the police officer why she was speeding, she replies, "I'm very sorry for going so fast, officer, but I'm getting a poor memory already."
"So what has your memory got to do with your speeding?" asks the officer.
"Because I was trying to get to the shops before I forgot where I was going," replies Freda.
NOTE: The police officer thought this was such an original and funny excuse that he let her off with just a warning.

(#2085) Redecoration problems
[My thanks to Cliff L for the following joke]
Sharon is very proud of her husband Lawrence. For the first time in his working life, he's been promoted. He is now Office Supervisor of his company. So with the salary increase he has just been awarded, she decides to have their bedroom redecorated.
She goes to John Lewis, her favourite Department Store, and starts looking through their wallpaper catalogue. But oy, there are so many colours and so many styles that within half an hour she is thoroughly tsedrayt.
The department manager, seeing that Sharon might need some help, goes over to her and says, "Madam, maybe you need to consider a border."
"A border? No thank you," says Sharon. "My husband has just been promoted to a Supervisor and I am definitely not needing to take in a border."

tsedrayt: confused


(#2086) Foot problems
Morris, a bit of a dumkop if truth be known, is a single guy and spends 10 hours a day, 6 days a week standing behind his market stall selling books. And after 3 years of doing this without any time off, he starts to suffer from very painful feet. So he goes to doctor Myers for help.
"Your problem," says doctor Myers, "is caused by all the standing you do. I strongly suggest that you go to Miami as soon as possible for a holiday. And whilst there, you must regularly soak both your feet in the Ocean water. If you do this for a week, your feet will definitely recover."
Morris takes doctor Myers' advice seriously. As soon as he arrives at his Miami hotel, he buys 2 large plastic buckets, one for each foot. Then, first thing the next morning, with his buckets in his hands, he heads for the sandy beach.
Once there, he goes over to a lifeguard, points to the ocean and asks, "How much do you charge for two buckets of that Ocean water?"
The lifeguard can't believe what he has just heard, so replies, "Our current rate is $2 per bucket."
Morris pays the money, fills his buckets with Ocean water, returns to his hotel room and soaks his feet for an hour and a half. It was so lovely that he decides to do it again. After lunch, he empties his buckets and once again takes them to the beach. He goes over to the lifeguard, hands over $4 and says, "Same again please."
"Thank you," says the lifeguard, just managing to hold back his laughter, "just help yourself."
But when Morris turns around, he can't help noticing that the tide is out. So he says to the lifeguard, "Oy, have you got a good business here! You've sold out already."

dumkop: a dumbell, a baffoon


(#2087) The mind reader
Ruth looks down over her balcony and sees her son Mervyn playing football on the lawn.
"Mervyn," she shouts down at him, "Mervyn, please come inside at once."
Mervyn looks up at her and says, "Why mummy? Am I cold again?"
"No Mervyn, you're not cold," replies Ruth, "you want to eat."

(#2088) His first patient
Daniel and Louis have just passed their final exams and are now qualified psychoanalysts. To help them unwind from their months of study, they decide to hire some bikes and cycle into the country. But during their ride, a fox runs across Daniel's path and he takes a nasty fall. He is not only bleeding from the head but he also thinks he has badly injured his right leg.
Louis looks at Daniel for a while and then asks, "So Daniel, how much are your injuries hurting? Would you like to talk to me about the way you feel?"

(#2089) All abroad
Shlomo is attending a job interview. After he has filled in the application form, he's taken in to see the HR Manager.
"Good morning Shlomo," says the HR Manager. "Thank you for filling in our application form. Please give me a few minutes to go through it and then I'll ask you some questions."
Two minutes later, the HR Manager looks up and says to Shlomo, "OK, I've got a good picture of your qualifications. But I'm confused about two answers you've given. In section 4, you state that you have no relatives living abroad, yet in section 8 you state that you have a sister in Israel. How can that be?"
"Well it's true that I have a sister living in Israel," replies Shlomo, "but she's not the one living abroad, I am."


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