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This is the eleventh set of jokes
(#288) The end of a good holiday
Manny was out with his best friends, Joe and Bette, one evening when he suddenly collapsed and died. His friends were naturally totally shocked.
Joe pointed to Manny and said to Bette, "How good he looks, how relaxed, how tanned, how healthy!"
"And why not?" replied Bette, "He just spent three weeks in Eilat."
(#289) The prayer
Moishe goes for a walk in the woods. Suddenly, a 6-foot-tall grizzly bear appears and
approaches him at quite a fast pace. Moishe stands there petrified and begins praying for his safety. But then Moishe notices that the bear has stopped, has put on a kippah, and has also began praying. Saved!
But as Moishe approaches the bear with an outstretched hand to greet a fellow Jew, he hears the bear conclude his prayer with, "Hamotze lechem min haaretz. Amen".
(#290) More quickies.
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
A: He went around saying "Yo Yav!"
Q: What do you call a Torah with a seat
A: A Safer Torah!
Q: You're at a Jewish wedding... how can
you tell if it's Orthodox, Reform, or Liberal?
A: In an Orthodox wedding, the bride's mother is pregnant. In a Reform wedding, the bride is pregnant. In a Liberal wedding the Rabbi is pregnant
Q: What do you call a Jewish water bed?
A: The Dead Sea
Q: What do you get when you cross a basset
with a beagle?
A: A bagel
(#291) The examination
Doctor Jacobs finished his examination and informed Herman that he was in perfect health. "But what about my headaches?" Herman moaned.
"I'm not at all worried about your headaches," Dr. Jacobs replied.
"If you had my headaches, doctor, I wouldn't worry about them either," said Herman.
(#292) The conversation
Manny goes into a restaurant and orders fried haddock. The waiter serves him a nice sized piece of fish. As he's walking away the waiter overhears Manny talking to the fish. Soon Manny is deep in conversation with his lunch.
"What on earth are you doing?" says the waiter. “Do you want to eat it or marry it?” Manny replies, “We're just schmoozing. It seems that the fish is from Herne Bay in Kent. I used to live there and I was asking the fish how things are back in my old home town.”
"What did he say?" asked the waiter.
"He said, “How should I know? I haven’t been there in years!”
(#293) The sermon
The new Rabbi was in the middle of a sermon when he suddenly beckoned to the shames to come over.
The Rabbi said to him, "That man in the third row is asleep. Wake him up."
The shames replied, "You put him to sleep. You wake him up.”
(#294) Enduring love - 1
"Moishe, will you still love me when my hair is grey?" asks Yente.
"Of course,” says Moishe. “I've loved you through blond, brunette, red and every other colour. Why not grey?”
(#295) Enduring love - 2
Mr & Mrs Goldberg had just got married. On their way to their honeymoon, Mr Goldberg said to his new wife “Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?”
She replied, “Darling, I would have married you no matter who had left you a fortune.”
(#296) The principle
A congregant asked his Rabbi, "Rabbi, you’re a man of God. So why is it that you are always talking business when I, a businessman, am always talking about spiritual matters when I'm not at work?"
"You have discovered one of the principles of human nature," the Rabbi replied.
"And what principle is that, Rabbi?"
"People like to discuss things they know nothing about."
(#297) The complaint
Freda had just finished her fish dinner. She was, however, not at all happy with it, so she called over the waiter.
"I've tasted fresher fish," said Freda.
"Not in here," replied the waiter.
(#298) The two farmers
Bud, from Texas, is on holiday in Israel and meets farmer Shlomo there. Bud asks Shlomo what he does.
"I raise a few chickens," says Shlomo. “I'm also a farmer.”
“So am I. How much land do you have?” asks Bud.
“Fifty meters in front, and almost a hundred at the back.”
Now it was the turn of Shlomo to ask a question.
“You’re from Texas, so what about your farm?" asks Shlomo.
Bud tells him, "On my farm, I can drive from morning until sundown and not reach the end of my property."
"That's too bad," says Shlomo. "I once had a car like that."
(#299) Relax a while
Shlomo and Moishe are stranded on an island in the middle of the Indian Ocean. Shlomo is trying hard to build a fire, whilst Moishe sits on a rock and stares out to sea.
"Why don’t you come over here and help me build this fire or they will never find us!" Moishe replies, "Don’t worry. I gave £10,000 to the JIA last year. Shlomo, believe me, they'll find us!"
(#300) The start of it all
A Rabbi, a priest and a minister are discussing when life begins.
The priest says: "In our religion, life begins at conception."
The Minister says: "We disagree. We believe that life begins when the foetus is viable away from the mother's womb."
The Rabbi responds: "You both are wrong. In our religion, life begins when the kids graduate college and the dog dies."
(#301) The trip
Sarah, a middle aged Jewish woman goes in search of a famous guru. She takes a plane to India and then a boat up a river, and then hikes into the mountains with local guides. All in all it takes Sarah months of hardship to track down this guru. When she finds him, he is in the middle of some kind of ritual, which will last for days and the guru's followers won't let Sarah see him. Finally the guru is ready to receive visitors and calls for the woman to be admitted. Sarah stands before the famous guru. "Harvey," she says. "It's time to come home!"
(#302) It’s obvious
Issy and Jacob are walking down Golders Green High Street when it starts to rain, and in no time at all, it’s raining quite hard. Luckily, Issy is carrying an umbrella.
"Nu," says Jacob. "So when are you going to open the umbrella?"
"It won't do us any good," says Issy. "It's full of holes."
"So why then did you bring it?" replies Jacob.
"Because," Issy says with shrug, "I didn't think it would rain."
(#303) Life’s problems - 1
Maurice, Sam and Benny always met once a week in Edgware to discuss the world’s situation. On one occasion, they tried to solve the problem of life.
"What is the problem of life?" asked Benny.
The more they talked about it, the more they thought they knew the answer. The problem of life is that everyone has worries. “If people didn't have any worries,” said Sam, “then life would be easy.”
But now that they knew, another question remained, how can we three end our worries?
They thought for a while and then Maurice said, “Why don’t we hire somebody to do all the worrying for us so that we can then have it easy?”
Sam said, “Great idea. It wouldn’t be easy, I know, but between us, we could pay him well to make up for the difficulty of the role.”
So they all agreed to chip in to pay someone £600 a month to do all their worrying for them.
They were very happy with this decision until Sam pointed out the flaw.
"Tell me," he said, “If the man is making £600 each month, what has he got to worry about?”
(#304) Life’s problems - 2
Two shlemiels are kvetching about life. One of them sighs and says to the other, "Considering how hard life is, death isn't such a bad thing. In fact, I think sometimes it's better not to have been born at all."
"True," says his friend. "But how many men are that lucky? Maybe one in ten thousand!"
(#305) I’ve got it!
Sidney, a Jewish scientist, wanted to know where the sun went after it set. He went around asking the other scientists, but they didn't know either. Pretty soon he had the whole of his science department trying to figure it out. They puzzled over it for a long time but they couldn't come up with an answer. In fact they sat up all night thinking about it until finally it dawned on them.
(#306) The conversation
Every day, a religious Jew was seen praying in front of the Wailing Wall. One day, a non-observant Israeli walked up to him and said, "I see you here every day, seven days a week. Tell me, what are you praying to G-d for?" To this, the man replied, "I am telling G-d of my tsuris (troubles), of my financial problems, about my daughter who can't find a husband, and asking him to help me." "Well," the secular Jew asked, "does He send you help?" The man turned to him and said, "No, but what do you expect? It's like talking to a wall."
(#307) Egon Ronay, you’re not
Two Jewish students were rooming together in Manchester and they always shared the cooking of the evening meal.
One day, when Sam came home, he did not find a hot meal waiting for them, only sandwiches. So he asked Moshe, “What's with the cheese sandwiches? You promised to cook us roast beef for tonight.”
Moshe replies, “I did! But the roast beef caught fire and it spread to the vegetables so I had to put it out with the chicken soup.”
(#308) Out for a drive
Rifka and Abe had just left Ken Wood and Rifka was driving them home in their old Ford Cortina. They had just turned into Winnington Avenue, Hampstead Garden Suburb and were moving down hill when their brakes fail.
Rifka is pressing the brake pedal as hard as she can and she's also trying to tear the hand brake out by the roots, but to no avail. The car continues to gather speed.
"Oy Vay," she wails, "Abe, what should I do, what should I do?"
"For God's sake," Abe screams. "Hit something cheap!"
"You're in great shape," says the doctor. "You're going to live to be 70."
"But I am 70," Issy replies.
"Nu," says the doctor, "did I lie?"
(#310) Announcements in synagogue newsletters
o Join us for our celebration after services. Prayer and medication to follow.
o Weight Watchers will meet at 8pm at the Beck Hall. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.
o Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation.
o For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
o We are pleased to announce the birth of David Bloom, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs Shlomo Bloom.
o The Men’s Club is warmly invited to the celebrations hosted by Hadassah. Refreshments will be served for a nominal feel.
o Our Rabbi unveiled the synagogue’s new fundraising campaign slogan last week
“I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours”
o If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you.
o Rabbi is on holiday. Massages can be given to his secretary.
o Mrs Himmelfarb will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
o The Ladies Guild have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the basement on Thursdays.
o We are taking up a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet in the Beck Hall. All those wishing to do something on the carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper.
o Don’t let worry kill you. Let your synagogue help.
(#311) The two Rabbis
A reform Rabbi was having an argument with an orthodox Rabbi.
He asked him, “Why don’t you let the men and women of your congregation sit together as they do in my congregation?”
The orthodox Rabbi (who had a mischievous sense of humour) replied, “If you want to know the truth, I don’t really mind them sitting together at all. The trouble is, however, that I give sermons and I can’t have them sleeping together.”
(#312) The put-me-down
One day, a chazan was bragging and boasting about the quality of his voice.
He told his friend, “Do you know that I even insured my voice for £750,000?”
His friend replied, “So what have you done with the money?”
(#313) Look to the future
Rabbi Herzl was visiting Mrs Gold, an elderly member of his congregation. Rabbi Herzl said, “You know, my dear Mrs Gold, that you are getting on in years and although I pray to the almighty that he will grant you many more years in good health, you really should now be thinking more of the hereafter.”
Mrs Gold replied, “Thank you, Rabbi, but I am always thinking about the hereafter.”
Rabbi Herzl was rather surprised with this response.
“Really?” he said.
“Oh yes, Rabbi, every time I go upstairs, I say to myself, ‘what am I here after?’ and every time I go into my kitchen, I say to myself, ‘what am I here after?’ I do it all the time now.”
(#314) The Court Hearing
Judge to member of the jury who was about to be sworn in but who had told the Court that he was deaf in one ear.
“You really can’t serve on the jury”
“Because you can only hear one side”
(#315) Advance warning – next year’s
The Government is going to put a tax on Tallisim. They are being classed as fringe benefits
(#316) We are what we eat
Mrs Herman from London was visiting some friends in Florida when she saw a little old man rocking merrily away on his front porch. He had a lovely smile on his face. She just had to go over to him.
“I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look. I would love to know your secret for a long and happy life.”
“I smoke four packets of cigarettes a day, drink five bottles of scotch whiskey a week, eat lots and lots of fatty food and I never, I mean never exercise.”
“Why, that’s absolutely amazing. I’ve never heard anything like this before. How old are you?”
“I’m twenty six” he replied.
(#317) The announcement
At the start of his flight to Tel Aviv, Michael Lebovitz heard the following announcement “We are now going to show you a safety video. There may well be fifty ways to leave your lover, but there are only five ways to leave your aircraft. So please pay attention.”
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