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go to the one hundred and twentieth set of Jewish jokes
This is the one hundred and nineteenth set of Jewish jokes
(#2070) Park bench chat
[My thanks to Dalia for the following]
One day, as young Arnold is walking in the park with his friends, he comes across a white-haired old man sitting on a park bench reading a book.
Arnold loves books, so he goes over to the old man and asks, "What are you reading, mister?"
"A history book," replies the old man.
Arnold quickly looks at the book's cover and can't help noticing that it's called, MAKING LOVE THE SHMUTZY WAY. Feeling a bit embarrassed, Arnold says to the old man, "But it's a book about ...... about sex, isn't it?"
"Oy, you're right there, son," replies the old man looking rather sad. "But it's also a history book because unfortunately for me, sex is history."
(#2071) The new arrivals
Nathan sees his wife Sarah looking attentively out of their bedroom window. "What are you staring at, Sarah?" he asks.
"Oh, I'm watching our new neighbours," she replies.
"What's so interesting in them?" Nathan asks.
"Well for one thing," Sarah replies, "it's lovely to see a married couple so devoted to each other."
"And how did you come to that conclusion?" asks Nathan.
"I've noticed that every time he leaves his house to go to work," replies Sarah, "he first of all kisses the mezuzah and then he passionately kisses her whilst gently squeezing her toches with both hands. And as he walks away, he keeps on turning around to blow her big kisses."
"Nu? So what?" asks Nathan sarcastically.
"Well I was thinking, Nathan, why don't you do all that?" replies Sarah.
"Give me time will you?" Nathan replies, "I hardly know her. She's only just moved in."
(#2072) The teacher's request
"All right children," says the teacher, "please put your hand up if you know of some things that begin with the letter T."
After a short pause, Sean puts up his hand.
"OK, Sean, what things do you know of?" asks the teacher.
"Television, Turtle and Teacher," replies Sean.
"Good, Sean," says the teacher. "And what about you Ali? What things do you know of?"
"Table, Tiger and Tandoori chicken, Miss," replies Ali.
"Very good, Ali," says the teacher. "Who else can name things beginning with the letter T?"
Avrahom puts up his hand.
"Yes, Avrahom, what things do you know of?"
"Tzitzits, Tefillin, Tallis, Talmud, Torah and Toches, Miss," he replies.
(#2073) Calculating women
Ruth is telling her plump friend Miriam about her new exercise regime. "I go walking for 20 minutes every day, come rain or come shine, and it doesn't cost me anything."
"So why do you want all this aggravation?" asks Miriam. "To look better?"
"No," replies Ruth. "I read in the papers that for someone like me, a 50 year old woman, walking regularly will literally add minutes to my life each time I go out. I've calculated that I can add a further 6 months to my life by the time I reach 80."
"Phooey," says Miriam. "You've got a loch in kop. I don't want to put the mockers on your plans, but what's so beneficial these days in adding 6 months to one's life? I've just calculated that adding 6 months to the life of an 80 year old woman who's in a nursing home at £3,500 a month will cost her a further £21,000 plus expenses."
loch in kop: hole in the head
put the mockers on: spoil the chances of success
(#2074) Is this high quality or not?
Bernie buys his girlfriend Suzie a ring for her birthday and asks the salesman to put it in a nice box. Later that day, Bernie goes over to Suzie's house, wishes her a happy birthday, kisses her, and gives her the box.
"So go on Suzie," he says excitedly, "open the box, open the box."
Suzie opens the box and is dismayed to see inside a very tiny diamond mounted on a very thin gold ring.
"Oy gevalt! What a shmatta of a present," she says to herself.
Bernie can see that she's not very excited with her present, so he says to her, "I know it looks very small, Suzie, but I promise you the diamond is a very pure one. It hasn't got any flaws in it at all."
"I can believe that," says Suzie. "There's no room inside such a diamond for any flaws!"
(#2075) Please try to concentrate
Issy is in his lounge reading the Jewish Chronicle when his wife Hetty returns home. She goes straight into the lounge and says to him, "Issy?"
As usual there is no reply from Issy, or any other form of recognition that his wife has returned.
"Issy, are you listening to me?" she asks loudly.
Issy mumbles something incoherent and continues to read the JC.
"Issy, put the paper down for once and listen to me," she says. "I have to tell you something."
Issy lowers the JC a few inches, but still does not look directly at Hetty.
"Issy," she says, "I went to see doctor Levy this afternoon."
"So how is he?" asks Issy.
(#2076) Who's a know-all?
A mother knows absolutely everything about her children as they grow up - their favourite foods, their friends, their romances, the clothes they like wearing, their hopes and ambitions; their school reports, their dreams, their doctor and dentist appointments, and even what they're scared of most.
A father is aware (but only vaguely) that there are some short people staying in the house with him.
(#2077) The impossible meeting
As soon as they meet in the coffee shop, Miriam and Rebecca sit down and mind their own business.
(#2078) The two talking parachutists
[My thanks to Geoffrey for the following translation of an original Salcia Landmann joke]
Moshe and Jake have been conscripted into the Israeli parachute regiment. As they prepare for their first jump, the instructor explains that it's very simple. "You jump from the aircraft, count to twenty, and press the button on the left hand side of your pack. The parachute then opens. If it should fail to open, count again to twenty and press the button on the right hand side of your pack. The reserve chute will certainly open. When you land, a car will be waiting to take you back to base."
Moshe and Jake jump, count to twenty and press the buttons on the left hand side of their packs. Their chutes fail to open.
They count again to twenty and press the buttons on the right hand side of their packs. The reserves fail to open.
Moshe then shouts over to Jake; "You'll see, when we land there won't even be a car waiting for us."
(#2079) I've always wanted to say this
One morning, David notices that his beloved cuckoo clock is making a funny noise and is not keeping the correct time. So he picks up the clock and drives over to NATHAN'S WATCH AND CLOCK REPAIR SHOP. All of David's friends tell him that not only is Nathan one of the best, but he's also Jewish.
As soon as David steps foot inside the shop, Nathan starts to shuffle slowly towards him and it's obvious that Nathan is a very old man. When he gets there, Nathan asks, in a very heavy German accent, "So vat sims to bee ze problem?"
"My cuckoo clock isn't working properly," David replies. "It's always been going TICK TOCK, TICK TOCK, TICK TOCK. But today, all of a sudden, it's been going TICK, TICK, TICK."
On hearing this, Nathan smiles and says to himself, "I've waited over 50 years to be asked to fix such a clock, and now here it is. I can now tell the clock what I've been wanting to tell such a clock for ages."
Nathan goes behind his counter, opens a drawer and takes out a large torch. He then takes the cuckoo clock from David, shines the torch directly onto the face of the clock and shouts, "Vee haff vays ov making you tock."
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