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go to the one hundred and nineteenth set of Jewish jokes

This is the one hundred and eighteenth set of Jewish jokes


(#2060) Cruising needs

A few days before Sharon and her husband Jeremy are due to go on a 14 day Mediterranean cruise, Jeremy says to her, "And don't forget to put your diamond necklace in our safe before we leave home."
"Oh no," says Sharon, looking dejected, "you know how much I like my necklace, Jeremy. I've been so looking forward to wearing it onboard the ship. I really want to take it with me. So why can't  I?"
"Don't be a shmo Sharon," replies Jeremy. "Supposing you drown and your body can't be recovered?"

(#2061) The interpreter
A Court hearing is taking place and the next witness to be called up is eighty year old Hymie. He has a long beard and payess, a kippa on his head and he's wearing his tzitzits outside his trousers.
The judge takes a quick look at Hymie and decides it unlikely that this witness is going to be able to freely converse in the Queen's English. So the Court's Jewish interpreter is immediately summoned.
The judge then says to Hymie, "There's no need to be concerned about giving evidence in English to this Court. We have an experienced Jewish interpreter with us to help you. I hope this meets with your approval."
"Thank you your Honour," replies Hymie in beautifully clear English, "but I don't need an interpreter. I was Professor of English at Cambridge University for 40 years and ....."
At this point, the interpreter interrupts and says, "Your Honor, ehr hat gesagt........."

payess; side curls worn by ultra orthodox males
kippa: skullcap, see also yarmulka
tzitzits; fringes or tassles found on the corner of a prayer shawl worn by observant Jews
'ehr hat gesagt ......': 'he said ........'

 
(#2062) The rabbi's great sermons
As Leah and Isaac are walking back home after the shabbes service, Leah says, "Do you know darling, I think Rabbi Bloom today made one of the best sermons I've heard for years. He's really inspired me."
"I agree with you there, Leah," says Isaac. "He's very good. In fact, I think he would really appreciate someone saying something positive about him for a change. So as you like his sermons so much, why don't you shmooze him a bit next shabbes and tell him how much you enjoy his sermons?"
"I might just do that," says Leah.
Next shabbes, as soon as the service finishes, Leah goes over to Rabbi Bloom. "Good shabbes rabbi," she says. "I want to tell you just how much I enjoy all your sermons. They're wonderful works of inspiration. They're so good, in fact, that I think you should have them published. What an inspirational book that would be."
"Why thank you Leah," says Rabbi Bloom. "I'm very flattered. But there are many rabbis whose sermons are much, much better than mine are."
"I cannot believe that, rabbi," says Leah.
"Well if they're really as good as you think," says Rabbi Bloom thinking aloud, "maybe my sermons should be published posthumously."
"Great!" says Leah. "What a good idea, rabbi. I just can't wait to get hold of a copy of your book."

shmooze: talk idly or casually and in a friendly way


(#2063) Money isn't everything ... or is it?
[My thanks to Alfred J for the following]
Benny the dentist has just finished treating one of his women patients and as she leaves the surgery, he turns to his assistant Robert and says, "There goes the woman I love more than anyone in the world."
"So why don't you marry her then?" asks Robert.
"I wish I could," replies Benny, "but I can't afford to. She happens to be my best patient."

(#2064) The shul quiz night
[My thanks to Hilary for the following]
Cyril asks his friend Mervyn, "So how did the shul quiz go last night?"
"Oy Cyril, I was hoping you wouldn't ask," replies Mervyn.
"Why?" asks Cyril.
"Because in the middle of the quiz, I was asked to leave the shul. I can't tell you how embarrassing that was."
"What happened?" asks Cyril.
"When I was asked the question, 'Where do the most women have curly hair?', I gave what I thought was the correct answer, one that any man might have given. But it was the wrong answer and I was told to leave the shul at once. How was I to know the correct answer was 'Africa'?"

(#2065) On his way up
As Lionel is walking past a house in Golders Green, he hears the voice of a woman shouting loudly and almost instantly knows she must be a Jewish mother. This is what he hears:
"Philip, you're not listening to me. You're much too young to be climbing a loft ladder. I want you to get off it right now."
Silence.
"Did you hear me Philip? I said climb down at once. If you don't, you'll fall and you'll hurt yourself."
More silence.
"OK, Philip. Don't say I didn't warn you. If you fall off the ladder and break both your legs, don't come running to me."

(#2066) What a year!
Sarah meets her friend Suzy in Brent Cross shopping centre. They haven't seen each other for years.
"So nu? How are you Suzy?" asks Sarah. "How's everything going with you?"
"Oy veh, you shouldn't ask," replies Suzy. "It's been a terrible year for me so far."
"Why, what's happened?" asks Sarah.
"Nine months ago," replies Suzy, "my son Gerald suddenly decides to leave his wife Rivkah and his two daughters and go live with a man. Six months ago, my lovely daughter Sharon crashes her car and has to have her right hand amputated. Then three months ago, my husband Monty  has a massive heart attack whilst we're making love and dies before any help can arrive. And tomorrow, the decorators are coming."

(#2067) The new tallis
Emanuel is a very strict and religious orthodox Jew. And because he's not that wealthy, he's been wearing the same tallis in shul for many years. In that time, not surprisingly, it becomes very shabby looking.
But then, one shabbes, Emanuel arrives in shul and surprises everyone by putting on a lovely bright, new tallis. At the end of the service, the rabbi goes over to Emanuel and asks, "So Manny, tell me. Where did you get such a lovely new tallis?"
"I got it as a Christmas present from my son-in-law," replies Emanuel.

(#2068) It's nothing new
Aaron, in his final year at University, is having a chat with his zaydeh.
"So tell me already, Aaron," asks zaydeh, "what is this course you are taking?"
"I'm taking psychology, zaydeh," replies Aaron.
"Nu, so what exactly is a psychology?" asks zaydeh.
"Psychology is quite a new subject really," replies Aaron, "and that's why you didn't learn anything about it when you were at school. Briefly, psychologists try to understand men and women's brain functions and also their behaviours, such as perception, attention, emotion, motivation, personality, and interpersonal relationships. They do this so that they can better understand how someone acts; why he says what he says; and why he does what he does."
"Oy, now I understand," says zaydeh. "And you think this is something new? Why, when I was a young boy growing up, my parents called it yiddishe saychel."

yiddishe saychel; Jewish common sense
zaydeh: grandfather


(#2069) Some things famous Jewish people have said
[My thanks to Joe D for the following]

I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up.  They have no holidays.
[Henny Youngman]

Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. So, for every ten Jews beating their breasts, God designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast beaters. By the time I was five, I knew I was that one.
[Mel Brooks]

Even if you're Catholic, if you live in New York you're Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you're going to be a goy even if you are Jewish.
[Lenny Bruce]

God, I know we are your chosen people, but couldn't you choose somebody else for a change?
[Shalom Aleichem]

The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
[Calvin Trillin]

Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil.
[Golda Meir]

Even a secret agent can't lie to a Jewish mother.
[Peter Malkin]

My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
[Benjamin Disraeli]

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.
[Sam Levenson]

Don't be humble; you're not that great.
[Golda Meir]

God will pardon me. It's His business.
[Heinrich Heine]

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.
[Joe E. Lewis]

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life - unless I buy something.
[Jackie Mason]

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
[Woody Allen]

Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution?
[Groucho Marx]

Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
[Groucho Marx]

Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair.
[George Burns]


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