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go to the one hundred and eighteenth set of Jewish jokes

This is the one hundred and seventeenth set of Jewish jokes


(#2050) Sign on window of Moshe's restaurant

WE HONOUR AMERICAN EXPRESS, VISA, MASTERCARD AND MONEY

(#2051) A change of prescription
[My thanks to Hilary for the following]
70 year old Cyril makes an appointment to see his doctor.
"So how can I help you?" asks doctor Levy.
"I was speaking to my pharmacist yesterday and he suggested I should ask you to change my prescription," replies Cyril. "And he also suggests that you check the prescription you've given to Miss Jones."
"That's a bit of a chutzpah, don't you think, Cyril?" says doctor Levy. "Since when does a pharmacist query a qualified doctor's diagnosis?"
"Since he discovered that I've been on birth control pills for the last two months." replies Cyril.

chutzpah: insolence, impudence, unmitigated cheek, effrontery


(#2052) Reason for a divorce
[My thanks to Alfred J for the following]
Hymie has asked for a divorce and is now appearing before a judge. The judge looks at Hymie and says, "So tell me in your own words, Mr Franks, why are you seeking a divorce?"
"I'm seeking a divorce, your Honour, because I feel I can no longer survive living in a 2-story house," replies Hymie.
The judge smiles and says, "I've never heard such a spiel before in a divorce court. What kind of reason is that to ask for a divorce and waste this Court's time? What's so special about a 2-story house?"
"Let me explain," replies Hymie. "In my house, one story I regularly hear is, 'No you can't! It's that time of month' and the other story I regularly hear is, 'No you can't! I have a headache'."

spiel: sales talk


(#2053) The burial arrangements
[My thanks to Cliff L for the following]
Judith's husband has just died and his body has been removed from her house to prepare it for the burial. A short while later, her phone rings.
"Am I speaking to Mrs Bennett?" asks the man at the other end of the phone.
"Yes it is," replies Judith, "I'm Mrs Bennett. Who am I talking to?"
"I'm from the funeral parlour, Mrs Bennett. I wish you long life. I'm so sorry to disturb you at such a sad time but I have to make arrangements for your late husbands burial. I understand your husband was a reform Jew, but unfortunately, I've not been told whether you require your husband to be cremated, embalmed, or buried in the normal way."
"Why take any chances," replies Judith. "Do all three of them. Thank you for calling."

(#2054) Five ways to pray
[My thanks to BMS for the following]   
A priest, a minister, a guru and a rabbi meet to discuss the best positions for praying.
"I find kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," says the priest.
"Well I get good results by standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven," says the minister.
"I firmly believe that the most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor," says the guru.
"I disagree," says the rabbi. "I get the best results by shokeling."
A telephone engineer who is working close by hears this conversation going on and can't help joining in the discussion. "You're all wrong," he says. "The best praying I ever did was when I was hanging upside down from a telephone pole."

shokeling: from the Yiddish word meaning "to shake" is the ritual swaying of Jewish worshippers during prayer, usually forward and back but also from side to side. Also written as shuckling


(#2055) Learning is such pleasure
[My thanks to John T for the following]
Avrahom is watching TV one evening but keeps on switching channels. One minute he's watching golf (The UK Open) and next minute he's watching a film (featuring a couple having great sex.)
"I just don't know whether to watch the golf or watch the sex film," he says to his wife Betty."
"Oy, I think you should watch the film," says Betty. "You already know how to play golf."

(#2056) Success the Israeli way
Lionel has become a successful British actor and he's now in Tel Aviv to sign up for the lead in a new Israeli blockbuster movie. Whilst there, he's invited to a cocktail party, with Benjamin Netanyahu, the Israeli Prime Minister, present. During the event, Netanyahu goes over to Lionel and says, "Mazeltov, Mr Gold. I wish you all the best on your forthcoming film. If it's successful, it will no doubt help Israel's economy."
"Thank you sir," says Lionel,  "I hope I can be instrumental in making the film a success. But I must admit that I consider myself first a Brit, second an actor, and third a Jew."
"Well that should be OK then," says Netanyahu, "for here in Israel, we read from right to left."

(#2057) The anniversary present trip
[My thanks to Brian C for the following]
Next week will be Diane and Daniel's 30th wedding anniversary and Daniel desperately wants to celebrate the occasion with a special gift. But throughout his marriage he's made poor decisions on choosing gifts for Diane. So he decides to ask his rabbi for advice.
Rabbi Bloom is very helpful. "There are," he says, "many things that men see that they think a woman will like. But it's a fact that there will be many other things that women will like much better. It's been like this since the beginning of time. So my advice to you is this - take Diane to Central London for the day. Take note of the shops she stops at and what catches her eye. You'll then know what to do."
So the following weekend, Daniel cancels his regular golf and says to Diane, "Darling, may I suggest we go on a trip to Central London. We haven't been there for some time."
Diane immediately agrees.
As they wander around, they arrive at Hatton Garden and Daniel notices that Diane's pace has slowed to a crawl, finally grinding to a halt outside MINKY'S THE JEWELLERS. Diane starts to breathe heavily.
"Is there something inside you'd like look at?" he asks.
"Yes, yes" she whispers.
Within minutes, Diane has a diamond earring on her ear and an assistant holding up a mirror to help Diane see how good the diamond looks. Seeing the look of rapture on Diane's face, Daniel quietly goes over to the manager and asks, "It's our wedding anniversary. So how much is the diamond that my wife seems to love?"
"Before I answer that," says the manager, "I would like to wish you a double mazeltov."
"Why double?" asks Daniel.
"Because," replies the manager, "not only is it your anniversary, but also you have a wife with exquisite taste. Such a wife is so rare to find nowadays. Many women have no appreciation of quality."
"OK," says Daniel, "You can cut out the shmooze. How much?"
"The diamond on your wife's ear will cost you £2,000," replies the manager.
Daniel nearly faints. "£2,000 .... oy veh, that's .... that's an arm and a leg..." he says.
The manager then walks over to Daniel and pats Daniel's left shoulder. Then he pats his right shoulder followed by his left thigh and lastly his right thigh. Then he says to Daniel, "I've just checked you over and it seems that God has given you two good arms and two good legs to celebrate your anniversary. Can I assume that you will be taking a matching pair?"

shmooze: chat/gossip, warm heart-to-heart talk


(#2058) A telephone message recording
"Thanks for caring enough to call me. However, please note that I'm not available right now because I'm making some important, long-overdue changes to my life.  So please leave a message after the beep. And if I do not return your call, then you can assume that you are one of the changes."

(#2059) An early morning reading
It's 8am and Arnold is about to leave for work. But as he always does, he first of all opens his morning mail. One of the letters is an invoice from his doctor and he is not happy with what he reads. So Arnold goes into the kitchen and says to his wife Estelle, "Darling. I've just received the invoice for my annual medical check-up and you won't believe me when I tell you how much Dr Kraskoff has charged me. What a chutzpah!"
"So tell me already," says Estelle.
"£600. That's what he's charged me. £600. And what makes me doubly angry is that Dr Kraskoff's invoices are so clear and un-ambiguous. Quite different from his prescriptions which are always so very difficult to read."

chutzpah: insolence / cheek


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