BACK TO INDEX PAGE
go to the one hundred and seventeenth set of Jewish jokes
This is the one hundred and sixteenth set of Jewish jokes
(#2040) The recital
One day, as chazan Isaacs is walking down Edgware High Street humming Adon Alom out loud, he hears someone calling his name. He looks around and sees shuffling towards him a poorly dressed man whom he doesn't recognize. So he continues with his walk and his humming. But he soon hears his name being called again.
"Chazan Isaacs, chazan Isaacs, please stop," shouts the man. "My name is Aaron and I've something important to tell you."
So chazan Isaacs stops and lets Aaron catch up with him. "How do you know who I am?" he asks Aaron.
"Because I attended your shul recently and I heard your chanting," replies Aaron. "I enjoyed it very much."
"It's nice of you to tell me this," says chazan Isaacs, "but surely that's not reason enough to stop me here in the street."
"No, I stopped you to say that your house is on fire," replies Aaron.
"And how do you know it's my house?" asks chazan Isaacs.
"Do you live at number 1 Edgware Street?" asks Aaron.
"Yes, that's my house all right," replies chazan Isaacs, looking a bit worried.
"Well then, let me tell you again," says Aaron. "Your house is on fire, chazan."
On hearing this, chazan Isaacs opens his jacket, takes out his tuning fork, and with a flourish taps it on a nearby brick wall. Then he puts it to his ear and sings out loudly, "Oyyyyyyyyyyyyy Gevaaaaaaaaaaalt."
chazan: cantor, the singer who leads synagogue services
adon alom: a well known shul melody
oy gevalt: exclamation to denote fear, terror, astonishment.
Q: What kind of lights did Noah install on the Ark?
A: Flood lights.
(#2042) They're fresh all right
Minky runs a Kosher Deli in Hendon and he's so proud of the quality of his shmaltz herrings that he puts the following sign in his window: -
PLEASE NOTE THAT OUR HERRINGS ARE SO FRESH, YOU'LL HAVE TO SLAP THEM
shmaltz herring: herring caught before spawning when it's very fat
(#2043) Bubbehs and Zaydehs
• If you knew in advance just how wonderful it is to have grandchildren, you would have chosen them before you had children
• Spending one hour with your grandchildren makes you feel young again. But spending any longer makes you age quickly
• Your grandchildren are such a metsieh. For example, if you let them play with your loose coins for an hour, they'll give you back £1million worth of naches in return
• When bubbehs and zaydehs enter the room, discipline flies out the window
• Grandchildren are God's way of compensating us for growing old
• Bubbehs never run out of hugs, biscuits, cakes or sweets
• Although bubbehs and zaydehs only hold our little hands for a short time, they hold onto our hearts for ever
metsieh: bargain, a good deal, a godsend
naches: pride and pleasure from the achievements of one's children / grandchildren
bubbeh and zaydeh: grandma and grandpa
(#2044) What are friends for?
Avrahom has done very well in his business. He now lives in Hampstead Garden Suburb and drives around in a top-of-the-range Bentley. As a result, he has seen an increase in the number of friends who stay around him as often as possible. One of them is Harry.
"Harry," says Avrahom one day, "you're always with me. I would have thought you'd be bored with me by now."
"But I like being close to you, Avrahom," replies Harry.
"So nu? Why is that?" asks Avrahom.
"Well," replies Harry, "let's just call it, 'gelt by association'."
(#2045) First day in the office
Lionel advertises for a junior office clerk and after interviewing a number of candidates, Benjy is chosen. On his first day in the office, Benjy is asked by Lionel to go get him a smoked-salmon bagel and a coffee from Grodzinski's Bakery. Ten minutes later, Benjy returns, goes into Lionel's office and puts the coffee and bagel on the desk. He then looks out the window and says to Lionel, "Aren't we lucky to be having such a beautiful day?"
"What do you mean by 'we'?" snaps Lionel. "All of a sudden you're a Partner already?"
(#2046) Chicken, chickens and yet more chickens
A small community just outside of north west London advertises for a rabbi and following several interviews, Rabbi Green and his wife move into their new home near the shul. And because Rabbi Green's pay is not great, the rebbitsen decides to raise chickens to create some additional income. She is a very determined lady and follows all the tips and advice she can get hold of for raising the healthiest, cleanest, and most fertile chickens. And the rebbitsen succeeds! Two years from start up, the rebbitsen's chickens are known throughout north west London for their size and quality.
One day, the rebbitsen realises that she has many more chickens than she can sell. Tsedaka immediately comes to mind and after a quick discussion with Rabbi Green, she starts to makes arrangements to hand out their surplus chickens to members of their shul.
Next day, the following notice appears on the shul's notice board: -
WILL ALL THOSE WISHING TO RECEIVE A FREE CHICKEN FROM THE REBBITSEN, PLEASE CONTACT HER. HER COOP RUNNETH OVER.
rebittsen: rabbi's wife
tsedaka: charity, the giving of something or a piece of your time to help someone else, without expecting anything in return. It is one of the cornerstones of the Jewish religion.
(#2047) It's a hard life
Jonathan and Maurice meet one day in Hendon. They hadn't seen each other since their University days.
"So Jonathan," says Maurice, "tell me about yourself."
"I'm married, I've a beautiful wife, three gorgeous children, and if I say so myself, I'm a successful businessman," replies Jonathan. "How about you?"
"I'm quite the opposite to you," replies Maurice. "I'm only living to fulfil my mum's opinion of me."
"What do you mean by that?" asks Jonathan.
"Well," replies Maurice, "despite my mum's incessant nagging, I'm still not married. And in terms of a career, I own a local coffee bar."
"So what's wrong with that?" asks Jonathan.
"To my mum, I'm the nebekh," replies Maurice sadly. "My older brother David is the successful architect, my younger brother Paul is the successful accountant, but me, well I'm the nebekh. And after her most recent rejection, I'm beginning to believe her."
"Why, what happened?" asks Jonathan.
"Mum told me many years ago that she'll only be proud of me when she sees a bank statement showing I have accumulated £100,000," replies Maurice. "Fortunately, my coffee bar has been doing great business for quite some time now and I was at last able to go to mum with a smile on my face and a bank book showing £100,000."
"So what did she say to you when she saw it?" asks Jonathan.
"She said, 'You call that money?'"
nebekh: a nothing, a nobody
(#2048) The helper's surprise
One day, when Leah gets back home from work, she is astonished to find her husband Benny at home. "Benny, what are you doing home so early?" she asks.
"I decided to take the afternoon off for a change," he replies.
"And where is our babysitter?" asks Leah.
"I paid her and told her that we didn't need her this afternoon," Benny replies.
"Why did you do that?" asks Leah. "The supper needs to be prepared and cooked; the children need bathing, the laundry needs washing and ironing, the ......"
"Oh don't worry about all that, darling," interrupts Benny with a smile. "Come let me show you."
Benny takes her hand and leads her into the kitchen. She immediately notices that the oven is on and the table neatly laid for four. She can smell roast chicken. She also notices that the laundry has not only been washed but also neatly ironed and carefully folded. Benny then takes her upstairs where she finds the children playing with their toys.
"Hello mummy," they say, "Daddy has bathed us, dried us, and made us put on our pyjamas. He's even helped us with our homework. Isn't that nice of him?"
"Yes darlings," replies Leah, "that was very, very nice of daddy."
When they return downstairs, Leah asks, "So to what do I owe the honour?"
Benny replies, "I read in the papers this morning that wives who work full time and who also have to do their own housework when they return home, are nearly always too tired to have great sex. So I thought I would help you today."
"Oh thank you darling," she says and gives him a warm and tender kiss.
Later, they have their dinner (served by Benny). Afterwards, he clears the table, washes and dries the plates and cutlery, and puts it all away. He then takes the children upstairs, puts them in their beds and reads them a bedtime story.
When Leah goes into work next day, she just has to tell her lady friends what had happened. They were amazed. One of them asks her, "So Leah, so what happened next after the children were asleep? I bet you had a real sexy night, eh?"
"I wish I could say yes," replies Leah, "but Benny was so tired, he fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillows."
(#2049) YIDDISH ACADEMY AWARDS
[My thanks to Lynn F for the following updated version of Joke( #3)]
1. GONIF WITH THE WIND: A thief tries to acquire ownership of Tara through a forged deed
2. THE PUTZMAN ALWAYS RINGS TWICE: A mohel murder mystery
3. THE GOOD, THE CHABAD, AND THE UGLY: A kosher noodle western
4. MOBY DRECK: Captain Ahab harpoons the wrong end of the whale
5. THE CINCINNATI YID: Steve McQueen uses some of his poker winnings to start a reform congregation
6. THE SEDER HOUSE RULES: Bubbeh lays down the law on Pesach
7. BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KIBBITZER: Paul Newman and Robert Redford do stand-up shtick while they rob their victims
8. BRIDGE OVER THE RIVER KVETCH: The extras complain that whistling the theme song dries out their mouths and hurts their lips
9. THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LATKE: An overdone potato pancake turns into a monster
10. THE MATZONIAN CANDIDATE: Frank Sinatra is brainwashed into thinking it's always Pesach
11. DRIEDELS OF THE LOST ARK: Harrison Ford plays the most dangerous Chanukah games
12. ALEPH DOESN'T LIVE HERE ANYMORE: Neither the waitress nor the old Hebrew school can be found
13. DREYDEL WILL ROCK: A Chanukah toy comes alive
14. GOYS DON'T CRY: Rabbi explains why only Jews observe Yom Kippur
15. STUART LADLE: Mouse makes chicken soup for shabbes
16. THE GREEN MOHEL: Young man performs first bris
17. GOY STORY II: Jewish man divorces shiksa, marries another shiksa
go to the one hundred and seventeenth set of Jewish jokes
BACK TO INDEX PAGE
Copyright © 2001-2010 David Minkoff
The information on this page may be freely copied for private use.
If you would like to use this information for commercial purposes, please contact me via my home page.