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go to the one hundred and sixteenth set of Jewish jokes
This is the one hundred and fifteenth set of Jewish jokes
(#2030) Chicken farming
Harry, a kosher butcher and poulterer, is in his lounge reading the latest edition of Chicken Gazette. His wife Kitty is next to him doing her nails. Suddenly, a headline catches his eye:
COST OF REARING KOSHER CHICKENS FOR THE TABLE WILL SOON FALL DRAMATICALLY
He reads on.
'Israeli scientists have recently discovered that if you place rose coloured contact lenses over chickens' eyes, not only will they lay more and eat less, but also there is a reduction in henpecking.'
Harry can't help but read out the article to Hettie, adding, "Isn't that interesting darling? I bet you as soon as word of this discovery starts to circulate, a pair of rose coloured spectacles will be the most popular present husbands buy their wives."
NOTE: You'll be pleased to learn that Harry's facial bruising is at last beginning to fade.
(#2031) Landscaping the Hassidic way
[My thanks to Yonatan for the following, one of his humorous thoughts based on an actual event]
Whilst driving through Montreal on business, Lionel notices a group of men working on a very large front garden. The men and their equipment were all over the lawn and all over the flower beds. Outside the house was a large lorry with the words:
MINKY'S KOSHER LANDSCAPING COMPANY
Lionel drives over to see exactly what's going on and realises that all the workers are ultra orthodox frummers. All are wearing kippas, all have peyess, all their tzitzit are clearly visible and blowing in the wind, and all are wearing white shirts and black waistcoats. But Lionel is not too surprised to see such a scene as there are many hassidic businesses in that part of the city.
Then Lionel sees the gantzer makher, an elderly hassid who's instructing each member of the group as to where they must schlep their large and heavy looking wheel-barrows full of earth and flowers; how thickly they must shmear the earth on the flower bed; and where exactly they must plant each and every flower.
Looking at all the activities going on, a thought comes to Lionel. "They'll never be able to get much to grow in that front garden - the soil is too hassidic.
hassid, hassidic: member of ultra-orthodox sect
tzitzit: the fringes at the corner of a prayer shawl
peyess; side curls worn by ultra orthodox males
gantzer makher: big shot
frummers religious people
schlep: to drag, carry, haul
(#2032) Aging friends
Leah and Sarah meet in Brent Cross Shopping Centre. They are old friends and both have been married to their husbands for a long time.
"Nu, how are things with you Sarah?" asks Leah.
"Not too good really," Sarah replies. "I'm feeling quite low because I don't think Robert finds me attractive anymore."
"Why? How do you know this?" asks Leah.
"Because as I get older," replies Sarah, "he bothers less and less to look at me. When I was younger, he couldn't take his eyes off me."
"I feel so sorry for you," says Leah. "As I get older, my David says I get more and more beautiful each day."
"Yes," replies Sarah, "but don't forget David is an antique dealer!"
(#2033) The ovoid area excuse
[My thanks to Ron L for the following]
Brian is spending so long in the bathroom that his wife Carolyn bangs on the door. "Brian," she shouts, "what are you doing in there? Writing your memoirs?"
"You know perfectly well what I'm doing in here, darling," Brian replies. "It's just that it takes me longer and longer to wash my face as I get progressively balder."
(#2034) How it all began
A rabbi, a priest and a monk walk into a wine bar. The bartender takes one look at them and asks, "What's this? A joke?"
(#2035) The friendly test
[My thanks to Hilary for the following]
Rebecca is always finding something wrong with her Benny - whether it's his eating habits, his bad driving, his forgetfulness, his dirty shoes, his lack of attention, his ..... (you name it, he's doing it wrong). And her constant bickering is getting Benny down.
After the latest episode, Benny starts to believe that their dog Cindy is much more of a friend to him than is Rebecca and decides to test this out.
One cold morning, when Rebecca goes into the garden to put some rubbish in the dustbin, he pushes Cindy out the door to join her, locks the door, and goes upstairs for a lie down. When Rebecca realises that Benny has locked her out, she starts banging on the door and shouting, but he ignores her. After thirty minutes of this, Benny goes back downstairs, unlocks the door and lets in Rebecca and Cindy.
Who do you think was the most happy to see Benny when they got back into the house?
(#2036) First time at an expensive restaurant
Isaac reaches 70 and to celebrate, he and his wife book a table at the Ritz, a really posh restaurant in the heart of London. As soon as they arrive, they are shown to their table by the immaculately dressed maitre d'. And what a table! A beautiful silk tablecloth; sparkling silver cutlery; the finest of bone china; stunning cut glass wine glasses; and a lead crystal vase containing the finest of freshly cut flowers.
As soon as they sit down, and before the maitre d' can intervene, Isaac removes the silk napkin from its solid silver napkin ring, unfolds it around his neck and ties a knot at the back.
The maitre d' looks aghast at Isaac and holding back his anger, says, "Will Sir be requiring a haircut or a shave tonight?"
(#2037) Bubbeh's wisdom
[Here is one of the oldest Jewish jokes I know. Maybe it’s worth repeating here for the many newcomers to Jewish humour]
A bubbeh is babysitting but her 8 year old grandson Paul doesn't want to go shluffen. So she decides to test him with a quiz question, a piece of hassidic wisdom that many bubbehs tell their grandchildren in these circumstances.
"Here's a nice quvestion for you," she says to Paul. "Vot is green, sits on a fence, und vistles?"
Straight away Paul replies, "I don't know bubbeh."
"Ahh bubbeleh," she replies, "zat's for you to guess."
Paul thinks for a while, then replies, "I give up, bubbeh. Please please tell me. What is green, sits on a fence and whistles?"
"A herring," replies bubbeh.
Paul is puzzled. "But bubbeh ...."
"But a herring isn't green," says Paul.
"Nu? So you paint it green," says bubbeh smiling.
There is silence while Paul thinks this one out.
"OK bubbeh," says Paul, "but a herring doesn't sit on a fence."
"Nu? So you put it on a fence," says bubbeh.
There is more silence while Paul grapples with this new response.
"But bubbeh ...." says Paul, looking even more puzzled.
"But a herring doesn't whistle," says Paul.
"Ach. So vat if it doesn't vistle?" replies bubbeh with a shrug of her shoulders. "Who cares? Now go to bed bubbeleh."
(#2038) Rachel's strategy
65 year old Rachel goes to MINKYS WINE BAR. She is on the lookout for her fourth husband. As she is waiting to be served, she notices an elderly well dressed handsome man standing at the bar. So she goes over to him and introduces herself.
"Hi," she says, "My name is Rachel. I saw you were alone and thought you could do with some company. And as I just love bald-headed men, here I am."
"But I'm not bald, at least not yet," says the man. "So far I've still got some of my hair, as you can see."
"Oh don't worry about that," replies Rachel, "I'm very patient. I can wait."
(#2039) The poker playing dog
[My thanks to Brian C for the following]
Paul is passionate about poker. Every Thursday, he spends at least five hours at his shul's poker club and it's the highlight of his week. But then his enjoyment is shattered when his elderly mother has a serious fall and is now unable to take her precious dog for his daily walk. So she pleads with Paul to take the dog on his walk every day until she recovers. Even though this is a great imposition and will mean missing his poker day for a couple of months, how can Paul refuse his Jewish mother?
After a couple of weeks of walking the dog, Paul is desperately missing his poker. So he thinks to himself, "I'm sure the dog won’t miss just one of his walks each week, so why don't I take him to the shul
The first Thursday Paul takes the dog to his shul, it becomes clear that the dog is keenly interested in the game. So Paul sits the dog down on his table and lets him watch what is going on.
One Thursday, many weeks later, Paul is sitting next to Alex, a features writer for the Jewish Chronicle. Alex looks up as the cards are being dealt and sees the dog on the next table. Alex nudges Paul and says, "I can't believe what I'm seeing, Paul. Look over there. There’s a dog playing poker."
"Yes, I know," says Paul. "That’s my mum’s dog. I realise it's very unusual to see a dog playing cards, but he just loves poker."
"Oy," says Alex. "This could be a scoop for me. Tell me about your mum's dog. Is he a good poker player?"
"No," replies Paul, "he's absolutely useless at playing poker."
"Why do you say this?" asks Alex.
"Well Alex," replies Paul, "every time he gets a good hand, he just can't help wagging his tail."
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