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go to the one hundred and fifteenth set of Jewish jokes
This is the one hundred and fourteenth set of Jewish jokes
(#2020) The theological argument
[My thanks to Lynn for the following]
Rabbi Gold, Rabbi Levy, Rabbi Warren and Rabbi Bloom meet in Golders Green, as they regularly do, for a good old theological argument. Unfortunately for Rabbi Bloom, at the end of their heated discussion the other rabbis vote "3 to 1" against him.
He always seems to be the loser and can't remember a time when their discussions didn't end up with his three colleagues voting against him. He's very angry and for the first time, as they leave the building to go home, Rabbi Bloom decides to appeal to a higher authority.
"Blessed are you O Lord," he cries, looking upwards towards heaven with his arms raised up high. "Deep down in my heart, I just know that my argument today was absolutely correct and that my rabbi friends here were wrong. Please Lord, I beseech you, give us a sign to prove to them that I was right."
The sun had up to then been shining over Golders Green, but all of a sudden a large, dark and menacing cloud moves across the sun, there is a loud clap of thunder, and then as quickly as it arrived the cloud disappears and the sun is once more shining.
Rabbi Bloom looks at the other three rabbis and says, "There you are. I knew I was right all along. God has answered my question."
But the other three disagree with Rabbi Bloom's conclusion. Rabbi Gold points out, "It's not that unusual for an odd black cloud to appear on sunny days." Rabbi Levy says, "Nor is it rare for there to be a clap of thunder on sunny days." And Rabbi Warren says, "And what we have just witnessed can easily be explained by natural causes."
So once again, Rabbi Bloom prays to God. "O Lord," he cries, looking once more into the sky, "my rabbi friends here still don't believe me. Is it too much to ask that you give us a much greater sign, one that they can't argue with, to show them that they were wrong and I was right?"
The sun had up to then been shining over Golders Green, but suddenly many large, dark and menacing clouds move across the sun, and for the next 5 minutes there are flashes of lightening and loud claps of thunder. Then the sky goes pitch black and a booming voice shakes the very ground on which they are standing. The booming voice shouts, "RABBI BLOOM IS RIGHT." Then as quickly as they arrived, the clouds disappear and the sun is once more shining. Rabbi Bloom immediately starts dancing up and down with joy. "I told you I was right," he says with a large smile on his face. "So now what have you three got to say, eh?"
The three rabbis go into a huddle for a few minutes, then they go over to Rabbi Bloom and say to him, "OK, so now it's 3 to 2 against you."
(#2021) The medical exam
[My thanks to Alfred J for the following]
Rivkah, a very attractive and shapely 18 year old, is in the local surgery waiting to see doctor Myers. Her elderly bubbeh is with her. When Rivkah's name is called, they go into the doctor's office.
"And how can I help you today Rivkah?" asks doctor Myers.
"We've come in for an examination, doctor," she replies.
"OK Rivkah," says the now smiling doctor Myers, "could you please go behind the curtain over there, take off your clothes and lie down on the bed. Then I'll be over to examine you."
"Oh no doctor," says Rivkah, "you've got it wrong. It's not me that needs to be examined. It's my bubbeh here who does."
The smile on doctor Myers face dissolves as he says to the bubbeh, "Oh OK then. Please come over here, stick out your tongue and say ahhhh."
(#2022) How to increase sales
One day, Morris puts up a Notice in his delicatessen shop's window. It says: -
SPECIAL OFFER FOR LIMITED PERIOD ONLY
A SINGLE JAR OF HAIMISHE CUCUMBERS WILL COST YOU £1.20
BUT BUY OUR "METSIEH PACK" OF 3 JARS WHICH WILL COST YOU ONLY £4.80
Almost at once, customers started to come in to Morris to say something along the lines of, "Oy Morris, you think I'm a shmo? I should buy your three-pack for £4.80 when I can buy them separately for only £1.20 each? I'm not yet that meshugga. So please wrap me up three separate jars of haimishe cucumbers."
Before his Notice went up, Morris hardly ever sold more than one jar of haimishe cucumbers at a time, but now he was doing a roaring trade in threes. That's what I call marketing!
haimishe cucumbers: pickled cucumbers
Q: Harry is just about to say something clever to his friend Monty. How do we know this?
A: Because he begins his sentence with, "Guess what, Monty? My wife Kitty has just told me ….."
(#2024) The rabbinical court hearing
Rebecca is suing her husband Stephen for divorce in a Rabbinical court and today she is being interviewed by Rabbi Levy.
"So Rebecca," asks Rabbi Levy, "what are the grounds for your divorce?" "Well Rabbi," replies Rebecca, "Stephen and I have an up-market 7 bedroom house in Golders Green in about 2 acres of land, plus a swimming pool."
"That's not what I meant Rebecca," says Rabbi Levy, smiling. "Let me ask in another way. Briefly explain to me the foundations of your case."
"Our house is 100% brick and I believe it sits on a solid concrete base," replies Rebecca.
"No Rebecca," says Rabbi Levy, "that's not what I asked. Let me ask you a different question. Does your husband Stephen ever beat you up?"
"He certainly does, Rabbi," replies Rebecca. "He wakes up earlier than me two or three times a week."
Rabbi Levy is now beginning to sound quite frustrated. "So can you tell me what your current relations are like?" he asks.
"Well Rabbi," replies Rebecca, "my mum and dad love me a lot and are very helpful to me. I have one uncle who donates much to charity and another who has a great sense of humour - he writes Jewish jokes books, you know. But Stephen's parents don't seem to like me - they don't talk to me."
"That's not what I meant, Rebecca," says Rabbi Levy. "But let's move on. Do you have a grudge you would like to tell me about?"
"As it happens, Rabbi, I don't," replies Rebecca. "I've never really needed one - our carport is more than adequate."
"Oy vay," says Rabbi Levy, "this is proving harder than I thought. Look Rebecca, let me ask you an intimate question. To the best of your knowledge, has there been, at any time, any infidelity in your marriage?"
"I can answer that easily, Rabbi," replies Rebecca. "Yes, there has been and still is. Both my sons have their own stereo iPods and they play them loudly using loudspeakers all the time in our house."
At this, Rabbi Levy finally looses his cool. He looks straight at Rebecca and asks, "Rebecca, just why do you want a divorce?"
"I've never really wanted one, Rabbi," replies Rebecca, "but Stephen and I no longer have any contact with each other. Stephen has totally stopped talking to me - he hasn't spoken a word to me for over a year now and I think it's a chutzpah. The last words he said to me were, 'I've had enough. I just can't communicate with you.'"
(#2025) Please help
Judith is single and is very lonely. So she decides to place the following advert in the Jewish Chronicle: -
HUSBAND WANTED. PLEASE REPLY TO BOX NUMBER 456
By the end of the week, she has received 10,000 replies, mostly along the lines of, "You can have mine and I'm not joking."
(#2026) Get up and go
Moshe and Shlomo, two alter kockers living in a Hampstead retirement home, are sitting quietly next to each other in the main lounge when Moshe decides to get a drink. He tries very hard to get up from his chair. He pushes on his arms and soon he's straining, grunting, groaning and shaking all over. Finally, after nearly a minute of effort, he rises from his chair, stops for a while to catch his breath and then starts shuffling along towards the door.
As he begins to move away, Shlomo shouts over to him, "Moshe, what's the big hurry?"
alter kocker: (a.k.) old fogey
(#2027) Taxation issues
[My thanks to Hilary A for the following]
After the death of her millionaire husband Benny, Ruth goes to her mother for a chat.
"Nu?" says her mother, "you have a nice lawyer to help you with taxation issues?"
"Oy vay, mummy," replies Ruth, "please don't mention lawyers to me ever again. I've had enough of them already. They've got me so farmisht with everything that I'm beginning to wish Benny had never died."
farmisht: all mixed up, confused
(#2028) The Rebbitsen's advice
After the shabbes service was over, Naomi goes over to the Rebbitsen and quietly says to her, "I feel terrible and I don't know what to do about it."
"So tell me Naomi, what has happened to make you feel this way?" asks the Rebbitsen.
"I've been cheating on my Henry, and I just can't face him any more," replies Naomi.
"So tell me more already," says the Rebbitsen.
"Well, on Thursday I made love to my next door neighbour twice, and yesterday I made love to him three times," replies Naomi.
The Rebbitsen remains silent for a little while she looks directly at Naomi, then says, "Here's what you must do. As soon as you return home, I want you to go into your kitchen and squeeze the juice of five lemons into a glass. Then you must drink the juice in one go."
"OK," says Naomi, "and will that enable me to face my Henry again?"
"I don't know about that," replies the Rebbitsen, "but it will at least wipe that stupid grin off your face!"
Rebbitsen: Rabbi's wife
(#2029) A Bluffer’s Guide to the Shul Service
[The following article was written by NW Jew. For more of his writings, go to his blog at www.nwjew.wordpress.com.]
Worried about looking like a lemon in shul?
Finding the shul service impossible to follow?
Many people suffer from what is known in religious circles as “Mainstream Judaism”. No need to worry, however. Our team of spiritual healers have devised a cure and we are making it available to you exclusively today. Please pass it on to anyone you know who may be suffering in silence.
“Shul Rules” is your ten step guide to synagogue confidence:
1. If you arrive after the start don’t sit down right away, but instead open the book near the beginning and spend 2 or 3 minutes turning slowly through the pages while mumbling under your breath. If you recognise any of the Hebrew words, say one or two of them a little louder so those around you can hear.
2. Find a seat just behind someone who looks like they know what’s going on. (You can tell this person because they are likely to be mumbling to themselves under their breath). Make sure this person is using the same prayer book as you. Keep a note of what page they are on by glancing casually over their shoulder every now and again. A pair of strong magnification glasses may help here.
3. When putting on the tallit wrap it around your head for a few seconds while mumbling under your breath.
4. Liberally sprinkle your time in shul with more barely audible mumbles as you look intently at the pages of your siddur. Again, the odd word, phrase or line spoken accurately and a little louder than the rest goes down very well.
5. Don’t jump up whenever the person in front does so. They may be stretching their legs. Instead, wait a moment until a significant proportion of the congregation are standing. In this way, even if they are all stretching their legs you won’t look conspicuous.
6. See those guys near the front that are wondering around with an air of assurance? These are the shammosim. AVOID EYE CONTACT WITH THESE PEOPLE or you may find yourself being asked to do something strange like opening the doors of the Aron Kodesh or, heaven forbid, saying something in Hebrew out loud to everyone.
7. The easiest way to look the part is to shockel. I have met people who have won international shockelling competitions without having a clue about where in the service they were. Advanced shockellers will even shockel when everyone else is sitting. (Of course, sometimes this may be a disguised leg-stretch).
Schockelling is an entire lesson in itself but there are two basic forms. The “lateral swing” is usually seen in ultra-orthodox congregations. Here the practitioner is perfectly still from the waist down (feet together, naturally), while the top half of the body repeatedly twists at speed.
The “Hammerhead” is more prevalent in mainstream orthodox shuls and, as the name suggests, the congregant looks as if they are trying to bang a nail into the floor with his head. (I say “his” because women prefer to use this time for kibitzing or kvelling over the way their grandson shockels.).
Shockelling mainly takes place during the silent Amidah. This is about 10 pages during which you have no idea where everyone else is. All you do know is that if the others were really reading all the prayers involved they would be contenders for the world speed-reading record. You know when it starts because everyone takes three steps back, then three steps forward, then they bow. This is your cue to start shockelling while turning the pages of your prayer book approximately every 15 seconds. The end of the silent Amidah is signalled by everyone taking three short steps back, bowing to the left, the right and the centre and then looking round to see if they won.
8. Is the Rabbi speaking in English and yet you can’t understand what he’s on about? If so, this is the sermon and it’s your job to look alive. Paying attention to the sermon is a skill that may take many years to master rather in the way that one learns how to complete cryptic crosswords. The formula for this particular puzzle is fairly simple: The narrative of Torah portion you have just heard plus something from local or national news equals “you should go to shul more regularly” or “your home isn’t kosher enough”.
9. Feel free to talk to people near you at any time. Business and football are particularly appropriate topics of conversation. Seeking kavanah and listening to the sermon will be regarded with suspicion in most communities.
10. If you can keep your cool until the end of the service you will be rewarded. At last something that is familiar, and a chance to clear your throat and give it some as you bash out Ein Kelokaynu and Adon Olam just like you did at cheder all those years ago.
One final word of warning. If it goes well and you feel confident enough to go back for a second week running you will be classified as a regular. This means there is a very good chance you will be asked to be the next synagogue chairman.
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