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go to the one hundred and fourteenth set of Jewish jokes
This is the one hundred and thirteenth set of Jewish jokes
(#2010) Winter Olympics
[My thanks to Rich O for the following]
Did you know that the Israeli Winter Olympic team has skiers who specialize in the Giant Shalom?
(#2011) Harry’s password
[My thanks to John T for the following]
The London branch of Bank Leumi decides to carry out an audit of passwords used by their customers. To their surprise, they find that Harry Levy, one of their elderly customers, has regularly been using a very lengthy password. The password being used was: -
So the office manager phones Harry. "Mr Levy," says the manager, "we’ve just discovered that you’re using an unnecessarily long password to get into your online account with us. Why did you choose such a long password?"
"I only did what I was instructed to do by your office," replies Harry.
"So what did they tell you to do?" asks the manager.
Harry replies, "They told me that the password had to be 8 characters long and had to include at least one capital."
(#2012) Ageing? Oy!
[My thanks to Jeremy H for the following]
David, Henry and Alan study law together at the Allen Law School and after qualifying, they each go to different firms of solicitors. They don’t see each other again for 25 years when out of the blue, David contacts the other two and sets up a reunion. The three are now approaching 50 years of age. After lengthy discussion, they finally decide to meet at Blooms Restaurant because not only are their wives unlikely to go there, but also the waitresses there are young, pretty and flirty. They enjoy themselves so much that they unanimously agree to meet again every ten years.
10 years go by and then, as agreed, David contacts the other two to arrange their reunion. The three are now approaching 60 years of age. After much discussion, they finally decide to meet at Bloom’s restaurant because not only do they serve great kosher food there, but also the wines are from Israel.
Another 10 years go by and then, as agreed, David contacts the other two to arrange their reunion. The three are now approaching 70 years of age. After discussion, they finally agree to meet at Bloom’s restaurant because it’s a quiet place where they can eat, talk about their grandchildren’s achievements, and tell Jewish jokes in peace.
Yet another 10 years go by and then, as agreed, David contacts the other two to arrange their reunion. The three are now approaching 80 years of age. After some discussion, they agree to meet at Bloom’s restaurant because the dining room is large enough to allow wheelchair access.
And yet another 10 years go by already and then, as agreed, David contacts the other two to arrange their reunion. The three are now approaching 90 years of age. After a short discussion, they agree to meet at Bloom’s restaurant because they have never been there before.
(#2013) The Chassidic wedding party
It's a Sunday evening and the guests at a Chassidic wedding have just sat down to eat. Then Robert, the young chozer bitshuva, having received instructions from his boss, the mashgiach, starts to go from table to table whispering to everyone, "the kolleh is a zonah."
Quickly, the mashgiach runs out to Robert and screams at him, "You fool, you weren't listening to me properly. I told you to tell everyone that the challah is mezonot."
chozer bitshuva: a once secular Jew who has become religious
mashgiach: a rabbi who supervises the food to make sure it is kosher
the kolleh is a zona: the bride is a whore
mezonot: the blessing you make over certain food such as cakes
the challah is mezonot: the challah bread is in the bread/cake category (so that you can select the proper blessing before eating it)
(#2014) History lesson
Many Israeli historians firmly believe that the yiddish word ‘pulke’ can be traced back to the language spoken by one of the original Tribes of Israel – the one called the Cellulites.
pulke: thigh, often refers to thigh of a kosher chicken roasted in thick shmultz
(#2015) The convincing salesman
Hymie goes to ‘The Shmultzy Garage’ in Edgware to look for a second hand car and after spending 45 minutes with Daniel, the Garage’s most successful salesman, he buys a ‘highly recommended’ 4 year old Fiat.
Three days later, Hymie returns to the Garage and asks to speak with Daniel.
"Do you remember me Daniel?" asks Hymie. "I bought a Fiat Panda from you a few days ago."
"Of course I remember you," replies Daniel.
"And do you remember all the things you told me about the car?"
"Yes, of course I do," replies Daniel.
"Well then," continues Hymie, "could you please tell them to me again because I’m getting very discouraged with the car."
(#2016) The garlic remedy
Soon after Bernard reaches his 110th birthday, a Jewish Chronicle reporter visits him looking for a story. "So, Bernard," asks the reporter, "to what do you think you owe your longevity?"
"That’s easy," replies Bernard. "It’s garlic."
"Garlic?" says the reporter. "Can you explain further?"
"Well," replies Bernard, "I eat a clove of garlic every morning after breakfast. Then, after lunch, I eat another garlic clove. And finally, just before I go to bed, I eat my third clove of garlic."
"Oy vay!" says the reporter. "And why do you think that works?"
"Well," says Bernard, "whenever the Angel of Death comes to me and calls out, ‘Bernard, Bernard,’ I turn and face him, take a deep breath, and loudly say, "Whooooooooooo?"
(#2017) What would wives of different nationalities say if they were caught cheating by their husbands?
[My thanks to Eugenia R for the following old joke the way she remembered it from Russia]
French wife: "Jean, why don’t you come over here? The more the merrier."
American wife: "Oh god! I suppose you’ll now start spreading your stupid suspicions?"
Russian wife: "OK, Ivan. You can hit me, but not in the face please."
Jewish wife: "Abraham, is that you? So who is here with me then?"
(#2018) The hospital announcement
Edgware Hospital's finance committee meet to discuss the hospital's expenses budget for 2010. They need to make some cost reductions and after much heated discussion decide to remove circumcisions from the list of operations performed there.
But Cyril Bloom complains bitterly about this decision and forces the hospital to put out the following announcement:
IN AN EFFORT TO REDUCE OUR COSTS AND TO IMPROVE THE WELL-BEING OF ALL OUR PATIENTS, EDGWARE HOSPITAL HAS CUT CIRCUMCISION FROM ITS COVERAGE. BUT TO FILL THE GAP, THE HENDON MOHEL SOCIETY HAS KINDLY AGREED TO STEP IN AND TAKE CARE OF ANY LOOSE ENDS.
(#2019) From zero to five
[My thanks to Alfred J for the following]
Daniel applies for and is successful in getting a job at Minky’s Delicatessen. But all does not go well for Daniel. Almost from day one onwards, he makes error after error - too many in fact for the company to ignore, and five weeks after joining, Daniel is called in to see the personnel director.
"Daniel," says the director, "I’ve had many complaints about you from staff working in the shop. They tell me you’re making the most elementary of errors. What upsets me most is that when you came in for your job interview, you told me that you had over five years experience of catering. But I’ve since done some checking and now discover that this is your very first job. What do you have to say about this?"
"Well," replies Daniel, "your advertisement specifically said that you were looking for someone with imagination."
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