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go to the one hundred and thirteenth set of Jewish jokes

This is the one hundred and twelfth set of Jewish jokes

(#2000) Good news or what?
Jonathan has been working in New York for over a year when he rings his parents Judith and Isaac. He tells them that he’s returning to the UK for a few days because he has some good news for them. They are both naturally very excited and can’t wait to see him again.
The day finally arrives and as soon as he steps into his parents house, he says, "Mum, Dad, I’m engaged at last. I’m engaged to a fantastic girl."
"Mazeltov," they both shout out at once.
Jonathan then takes a photo from his wallet and passes it to his parents. "Look at this recent picture of us," he says. "Isn’t she just wonderful?"
Judith takes one look at the photo and asks, "But darling, isn’t she … just a bit … fat?"
"Well mum," replies Jonathan, "I know she’s not thin, but I wouldn’t really call her fat."
Isaac looks at the photo and then asks, "She’s very tall, son. Is she really head and shoulders above you?"
"Well dad," replies Jonathan, "I know she’s a bit tall, but you’ll soon get used to her."
"So, ….. is she Jewish?" asks Judith.
"Er … no, mum. I must be open and honest with you. No, she isn’t Jewish."
"Oh Jonathan," says Isaac, "isn’t there something you can tell us about your girl that’s positive?
"Yes dad, there is," replies Jonathan. "She’s a Baroness.”
"Oy veh iz meer," cries Judith, "she won’t even be able to have children."

(#2001) A move to the countryside
Avrahom and Leah are fed up living in a City centre apartment and decide to move out to the suburbs. They are able to buy a stunning 7 bedroom house with a 2 acre garden. Three weeks after the move, Avrahom meets his friend Howard on the train to work.
"So how’s life treating you out in the wilderness?" asks Howard with a smile.
"Azoy," replies Avrahom. "But don’t think it’s easy for us city folk to move to the suburbs. I personally found it very difficult and I was very depressed for the first few weeks. But I’m OK now."
"So how did you manage to get over your depression?" asks Howard.
"Simple. I got myself a paramour, that’s how," replies Avrahom.
"Oy veh," says Howard, "does ….  does Leah know?"
"Of course Leah knows," replies Avrahom.
"What?" says Howard. "You’ve got a paramour and Leah doesn’t care?"
"Of course not," says Avrahom. "Why should Leah care how I cut our lawn?"

(#2002) Riddle
What's the difference between kosher dietary laws, and women?
You can understand women.

(#2003) Communication problems
[My thanks to John T for the following]
Leah thinks that her Isaac is a bit of a shmuck. He never seems to take much interest in her - he’s always on the internet, or watching football, or listening to loud music. Educated he’s not. As a result she’s always berating him.
After one such argument, she somehow manages to persuade him to go with her on one of their shul’s courses, ‘MARRIAGE AND THE IMPORTANCE OF COMMUNICATION.’
During the course, the instructor says to the class, "One of the easiest things you can do to help improve communication is to know what your partner likes and dislikes. Let me see how much you know."
The instructor looks around the class and homes in on Isaac. "OK, Isaac," he says, "what’s the name of Leah’s favourite flower?"
Looking puzzled, Isaac whispers to Leah, "I’m sure it’s self-raising. Am I right?"
"Shmuck," she shouts at him.

(#2004) Isn’t advertising wonderful?
In the 1960s, the Chase Manhattan Bank had a popular advertising slogan: -

YOU HAVE A FRIEND AT CHASE MANHATTAN
They put up signs in their branches, including 5th Avenue.
But it is said that Bank Leumi responded to this by putting up these signs in their branches, including 5th Avenue: -
YOU MAY HAVE A FRIEND AT CHASE MANHATTAN
BUT HERE YOU HAVE MISHPOCHEH
(#2005) So …. ?
Rachel meets Benjy in Brent Cross shopping centre. "So Benjy," she asks, "how’s business?"
"Oy Veh, don’t ask," replies Benjy. "It’s terrible."
"Nebbech!" says Rachel. "So last year was a poor one for your business, with your revenues down by nearly 45%?"
"Yes, but it wasn’t a poor year," replies Benjy, "it was, gevalt, a disastrous year."
"So you were planning to sell your business and move to Spain?" asks Rachel.
"Yes," replies Benjy, "I already have a holiday home there."
"So then Mr Alan Sugar comes to your rescue with a very attractive offer of £1.5m for your business?" asks Rachel.
"Yes," replies Benjy, "and in the circumstances, such an offer was fantastic."
"It’s bashayrt," says Rachel. "So then you ….." But before she can ask another question, she is interrupted by Benjy.
"Hold on," says Benjy, "you already seem to know the whole megillah."
"I suppose I do," replies Rachel.
"So why drive me meshugga with your questioning?" asks Benjy.
"Because this is the first time I’m hearing all the detail," replies Rachel.

nebbech: too bad (expression of sympathy)
gevalt: expression of dismay, sympathy
bashayrt: destined by fate
megillah: long, complicated story
meshugga: mad / crazy

(#2006) The laughing hyena
Note from David: Please excuse my translation at the end of this joke. If need be, tell me of my errors. Thanks
[My thanks to Annette for the following]
Paul is persuaded by his parents to takes Moshe, his elderly Russian born grandfather, to London Zoo because Moshe so loves animals. Whilst they are walking around the Zoo, Paul sees a notice announcing the Zoo’s free 30 minute lecture series.
"Look zaydeh," says Paul pointing at the notice, "there’s a lecture about to start on one of the animals here. I know you like animals so will you come with me? You’ll enjoy it."
"But what if I hear something I don’t understand?" replies Moshe.
"Don’t worry zaydeh," says Paul. "I’ll be sitting next to you and I’ll try to explain to you in Yiddish. I know you like me to practise my Yiddish."
When they arrive at the lecture theatre, it’s announced that, "the talk today is about the laughing hyena."
"A vus?" asks Moshe.
"A laughing hyena, zaydeh -- a khayeh vus lakht," replies Paul.
"Azoy," says Moshe, looking a bit puzzled.
The lecture turns out to be rather boring, but every now and then Moshe hears something that he doesn’t quite understand.
"The laughing hyena urinates once a week," says the lecturer.
"Vus, vus zogt eyer?" Moshe asks Paul.
"Di khayeh vus lakht pisht zikh oys ayn moohl a vokht," replies Paul.
"Azoy," says Moshe.
A little later on, the lecturer says, "The laughing hyena defecates once a month."
"Vus, vus zogt eyer?" Moshe asks Paul.
"Di khayeh vus lakht kahkt zikh oys ayn moohl a khoydesh," replies Paul.
"Azoy," says Moshe.
And a little later still, the lecturer says, "The laughing hyena has sexual relations once a year."
"Vus zogt eyer?" Moshe asks Paul.
"Eyer zogt az di khayeh vus lakht trent ayn moohl a yooer," replies Paul.
Moshe looks very puzzled by this reply and says to Paul, "Az di khayeh vus lakht pisht zikh oys ayn moohl a vokht, kakt zikh oys ayn moohl a khoydesh, und trent ayn moohl a yoeor ... far vus lakht er?"

zaydeh: grandfather
vus?: what?
vus zogt ever?: what is he saying?
a khayeh vus lakht: an animal that laughs
azoy: OK
di khayeh vus lakht pisht zikh oys ayn moohl a vokht: the animal that laughs pishes once a week
pishes: urinates
di khayeh vus lakht kahkt zikh oys ayn moohl a khoydesh: the animal that laughs defecates once a month
di khayeh vus lakht trent ayn moohl a yooer: the animal that laughs has sex once a year
di khayeh vus lakht pisht zikh oys ayn moohl a vokht, kakt zikh oys ayn moohl a khoydesh, und trent ayn moohl a yooer ... far vus lakht er?: the animal that laughs pishes once a week, defecates once a month, and has sex once a year  …. what is there to laugh about?

(#2007) Isn’t advertising wonderful?

THE KOSHER UNDERWEAR COMPANY ARE PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE
THE INTRODUCTION OF THEIR NEW LINE OF LIGHTWEIGHT SATIN FALSIES.
-----------------------------------
PLEASE BEWARE OF IMITATIONS
(#2008) A Jewish saying
Always accept misfortune as a blessing and never wish for perfect health or a problem-free life. Why? Because what else would you be able to talk about?

(#2009) Oy, what good news I’ve heard
Kitty, Freda and Hannah are in Shalom Hospital’s maternity unit, each of them awaiting news of their own daughter’s impending birth. Soon, a nurse goes over to Kitty and says, "Mrs Levy, I have wonderful news for you. Your daughter has just given birth to twins. She’s fine and you’re now the bubbeh of two lovely healthy boys. Mazeltov!"
As Kitty gets up to leave, she turns to Freda and Hannah and says, "Oy, what good news I’ve just heard. My daughter Natalie has just given birth to twins. But what’s very strange about it is that my son-in-law works for the Twin Brothers fish restaurant."
Later, a nurse goes over to Freda and says, "Mazeltov to you Mrs Gold. Your daughter has just given birth to triplets. She’s fine and you’re now the bubbeh of three lovely healthy girls."
As Freda gets up to leave, she turns to Hannah and says, "Oy, what good news I’ve just heard. My daughter Suzy has just given birth to triplets. But what’s strange is that my son-in-law works for the Triple Valleys Water Company."
On hearing this, Hannah gets up and says, "Oy Veh! I’m going to leave with you."
"Why?" asks Freda.
"Because my son-in-law works for Seven-Up."
 

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