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go to the one hundred and twelfth set of Jewish jokes

This is the one hundred and eleventh set of Jewish jokes

(#1990) Only time will tell
Hendon shulís elderly rabbi retires and is replaced by Rabbi Levy, a bright young rabbi who quickly turns out to be excellent in the performance of all his many duties except one - his sermons are always far too long.
One shabbes morning, as he is half-way through his usual interminable sermon, Rabbi Levy surprises the congregation when he suddenly stops, looks severely around at them, and says, "You know, I really donít mind it when I see many of you regularly looking at your watches. But I think itís going too far when you put your watches up to your ears to check if they are still working. Thank you. Good shabbes."

(#1991) The small portions
Aaron and his family are in the middle of their meal at Minkyís Kosher Restaurant when Aaron calls over the Manager. "I have a complaint to make," Aaron says. "I havenít eaten here for quite some time, and I notice that the portions youíre now serving are a lot smaller than they used to be."
"Thatís impossible sir," says the Manager. "You see, since you were last here, weíve spent a lot of money enlarging the restaurant. So although the portion on your plate might appear to look smaller, itís only an optical illusion."

(#1992) Iím in heaven
Arnold and Laurence are partners in an up-market shoe shop. One day, Arnold notices that Laurence doesnít seem to be his usual self, so he says to him, "Whatís the matter, Laurence? Every time I talk to you, you completely ignore me. You seem to be in another world. Are you OK?"
"Iím fine, Ö. Iím really fine," Laurence replies. "Iím sorry if I seem to be blanking you, but I think Iím in love. I truly feel Iím on cloud number 9½."

(#1993) You dare!
Edgware shul is having a Sunday afternoon book sale and visitors start arriving early to get a parking place in the shulís car park. But there is one place that no one is attempting to use. Cars come up to the space and then pass it by with no attempt to park there. This was probably due to notice there which read: -

VERILY THOU SHALT NOT PARK HERE
     THIS SPACE IS RESERVED FOR THE RABBIíS CAR
(#1994) The house warming
[My thanks to Asher for the following]
Wayne and Christine get engaged and spend the summer months looking for a suitable house for when they get married. After much searching, they buy a house just outside of London. It was owned by the Bloom family who lived there for over 20 years. They marry and move in.
Some weeks later, as winter approaches, Christine begins to feel that the house is rather cold and wonders whether it needs some extra insulation. But Wayne assures her, "If the Blooms lived here for all those years, then so can we."
But then winter takes a strong hold and there is one night when the temperature plunges to three degrees below zero. They shiver all night and next morning notice a light frosting on the inside of the bedroom windows. So Wayne telephones Mr Bloom. After explaining the situation to him, Wayne asks, "How did you keep the house warm in winter, Mr Bloom?"
"We never really tried," replies Mr Bloom. "You see we always spend the winter in Florida!"

(#1995) Hair competitors
If you walk down Hendon Street, youíll notice two hairdressing salons very close to one another. One salon is owned by Cyril and the other by Monty. They have been bitter rivals for years. One morning, as Cyril opens up his shop, he notices that Monty has put a big sign in his window saying: -
WEíRE PLEASED TO BE ABLE TO OFFER YOU A £12 HAIRCUT
Not to be outdone, Cyril puts up a sign in his window. His sign says: -
WEíRE PLEASED TO BE ABLE TO PUT RIGHT YOUR £12 HAIRCUT

(#1996) House move
[My thanks to Hilary for the following]
One day, Adam is taking a walk with his sons Cain and Abel. As they pass the ruins of The Garden of Eden, Cain asks, "Father, what is that?"
"Well, my sons," replies Adam. "That is where your mother ate us out of house and home."

(#1997) The Rabbiís fan
[My thanks to Laurence F for the following]
As heís been doing now for some months, Rabbi Bloom gives his weekly drasha to some inmates at a nearby prison. His aim, as always, is to encourage as many of them as possible to give up their life of crime. But as Rabbi Bloom is getting ready to leave, one of the warders goes over to him and says, "Rabbi, one of our inmates has asked whether he can have a few minutes with you privately in his cell. Thereís no need to worry, heís not dangerous, but I'll be outside the cell door just in case. Will you see him, Rabbi?"
"Of course I will," replies Rabbi Bloom.
As soon as Rabbi Bloom enters the cell, the prisoner says to him, "First of all, Rabbi, Iíd like to thank you for the sermon - I thought it was good.  And thank you also for seeing me on my own. I didnít want the other prisoners to hear me say to you that Iím becoming a great fan of yours and that I really admire your work."
"You do?" asks Rabbi Bloom.
"Yes Rabbi, I do," replies the prisoner. "In fact I have all your books, all your tapes, all your silver, all of Ö...."

drasha: rabbinical sermon; scholarly interpretation of religious texts, using linguistic, historical, and other methods.

(#1998) Here is a true story told to me by George B
My wife Marjorie and I went on a walk. When we got back to the Old Folks Home, I noticed the nameplate on the elevator. It said, ĎMADE BY SCHINDLER.í
So I said, "Look Marjorie, weíre on Schindlerís Lift."

Schindler: largest supplier of escalators worldwide.

(#1999) A womanís views on the importance of exercise
My mother, God bless her, always looked after me and did everything she could, as a good Jewish mother, to help me live long and healthily. She took much naches in my upbringing. One of the things she taught me was the benefits of exercise, especially walking.  She told me that the main benefit to a woman of walking every day is that when she died, everyone would say, 'Kin-a-hora, doesnít she look good!'

My zaydeh started walking five miles a day when he was 60 and within months, no one knew where he was.

I used to love long walks, especially when they were taken by people who I was broyges with.

I never found it easy to go on my walks. But I got around this by always walking early in the morning - before my brain could figure out what I was about to do.

When I reached 65, I thought I needed to increase my exercise levels and booked into an aerobics class for seniors.  For thirty minutes I shvitzed by bending, twisting, pulling, pushing and hopping up and down. But then, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over. What a klutz I was.

I then decided to make up my own exercises. I invented this one for those who need to build arm and shoulder muscles. Do it twice a week to give good results. The only equipment you will need are some potato sacks. But be careful, use some saychel.   INSTRUCTIONS: Stand on a carpet and ensure you have plenty of room on each side of you. Hold a 5lb potato sack in each hand and extend your arms sideways, straight out from your sides. Hold this position for as long as you can, then relax. You'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer as each day goes by. Do this for 2 weeks then move up to 10lb potato sacks and repeat the exercise. Repeat this with 50lb potato sacks and then, finally, with 100lb potato sacks. When you have reached this level you can move onto stage 2 - start putting a couple of potatoes in each of the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it.

Iím now 85 years old and, nebbech, living in a Nursing Home. But Iím convinced that all the exercise and walking Iíve done in the past has increased my life span by 6 months. As a result, I will be spending a further 6 months in this Home at a cost of £3,500 per month. Oy!

So what about my darling husband Harry? When he reached 50, my Harry thought he was quite fit and decided to join an upmarket health club. It seemed all the Jews in North London went there. On his first day, Harry went into Room 50, the exercise room for over 50s, and tried out their stair-step machine. He told the instructor what he wanted to do and the instructor asked, "Shall I set it for five, ten or twenty minutes?"
"Make it ten," Harry replied conservatively.
But after only a few minutes on the machine, his legs felt like lead and he could hardly breathe, so he got off the machine. As he limped past some of the other men in Room 50 who were resting from their workouts, Harry said to them, "I could only take three minutes on that thing."
"OK, OK," replied one of them, "You donít have to brag about it."

But then in his mid 50's, Harry had a relatively minor heart attack. While he was in hospital, his cardiologist told him that sex would be a wonderful exercise for his heart and the best thing he could do for a speedy recovery. He suggested that when Harry returned home, he should have sex 3 or 4 times a week.  So when Harry returned and told me this, I replied, "That's wonderful, Harry. Sign me up for twice a week."

Harry eventually got to love the walks we did together in our old age, because whenever we got back, it allowed him to say, ďItís great to hear heavy breathing once again.Ē

Harryís brother was always telling us that Ďhealthí was so much more important than Ďwealthí. When my Harry died, he left his brother his exercise bike and treadmill. What are family for, I say?

So what was life like before exercise and walking?   Before I started exercising and walking, I had really bad flabby thighs. But fortunately, my stomach covered them. And every time I heard the dirty word 'exercise', I washed my mouth out with chocolate.  As I got heavier, I used to say to myself, ďIím only getting heavier because the older I get, there's a lot more information in my head.Ē That was my story and I stuck to it for years. I even decided to join a Health Club. Membership cost me £950 per year, but it never allowed me to loose any weight. Then I realised that I had to actually go there.

And of course, not everyone believes in exercise. Joan Rivers once said, ďIf God had intended Jewish women to exercise, he'd have put diamonds on the floor.Ē

oy: exclamation of surprise, awe, delight, etc
nebbech: too bad (expression of sympathy)
kin-a-hora: expression used to ward off the evil eye
zaydeh: grandfather
broyges: angry
klutz: clumsy person
naches: pride and pleasure from achievements of oneís offspring
saychel: common sense
schvitzed: sweated

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