(#1970) What a reaction!
[My thanks to Hilary for the following alternative version to joke #980, 44th set of jokes]
Miriam and Harold have spent a lot of money on a makeover for their Golders Green home and today, Miriam is in Harrods’ Persian carpet department looking for a suitable sized rug for their renovated lounge.
Then she sees a pile of large rugs in a corner. They could be just the size she’s looking for, so she walks over to them. The colour of the fourth rug down catches her eye and she decides to move away the rugs on top of it so she can get a good look at it.
She bends down over the pile and attempts to pull away the rugs on top of it. But they are heavy and as she increases her effort, she suddenly, unavoidably, lets out a fortz
Miriam is so embarrassed. She turns around slowly to see whether anyone is near her and, Oy Vey, a salesman is standing right behind her. Before she can make any excuse, he says to her, "There’s no need to be embarrassed madam. That was nothing to what you will do when I tell you the price of these Persian rugs."

fortz: fart

(#1971) The vacuum cleaner salesman
[My thanks to BMS for the following]
Morris is a shmuck and everybody knows it. He just cannot do anything without things going wrong because he just never thinks through any course of action he carries out. But he is a good looking guy and one day the unimaginable happens – he bumps into Naomi (literally), she falls in love with him and they marry.
As soon as they return from their honeymoon, Naomi insists that Morris looks for a suitable job that he can do without causing too many problems. Within weeks, he’s been hired by Minky Vacuum Cleaners as a door to door salesman.
Although all goes reasonably well in his first few weeks in the job, Morris somehow feels that he can sell more cleaners if he has a gimmick. Then, one afternoon, as he’s walking up the drive of his next potential customer, he notices some fresh dog turds on the path. He immediately knows what his gimmick is going to be and decides to try it out right away. He picks up the dog turds, puts them into one of his vacuum cleaner bags, wipes his hands on another bag, then knocks on the door.
A little old lady opens the door and sees a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Hello," Morris says to her, "is it OK if I take a couple of minutes of your time to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners?"
"Go away," she says to him, "I haven’t any money."
But as she starts to close the door, Morris pushes it open again. "There’s no need to be hasty," he says to her, "at least not until you have had a chance to see my demonstration."
And before she can respond, Morris empties the dog turds onto her hallway carpet and says, "If this vacuum cleaner doesn’t remove every trace of these dog turds from your carpet, I will immediately eat whatever is left. Where’s the nearest power point?"
The little old lady steps back inside and replies, "My power points will do you no good because they don’t work. The Electricity Board cut off my electricity this morning because I couldn’t pay their bill. So let me now go get you a fork for your meal."

(#1972) Baby trouble
Arnold is doing very well at his job and gets promoted to Departmental Manager. As a result of his increased pay, he and his wife Leah decide to start their long awaited family. But many months pass and there’s no sign of Leah getting pregnant, so they decide to visit doctor Levy.
When they enter doctor Levy’s room at the surgery, Leah explains to him that they have been desperately trying to start a family but were having no success. When he hears this, doctor Levy decides to examine Leah right away. So he says to Leah, "Could you please remove all the garments from below your waist and I’ll give you a quick check-over."
But Leah refuses. She points to Arnold and says to doctor Levy, "What, with him in the room watching?"
"Aha," says doctor Levy. "Arnold, I think I know what the problem is."

(#1973) How to survive
Hendon Shul has quite a few married couples who have enjoyed lengthy marriages. So Rabbi Bloom organises a discussion at the shul on, ‘how to stay happily married for a long time’ and invites shul members who have been married for 30 years or more to talk about their marriages. One member who turns up is Cyril and he’s been married for almost 50 years. So Rabbi Bloom invites Cyril to give the audience an insight into how he’s been able to survive 50 years with the same woman.
Cyril stands up and says to the audience, "Well, it’s simple really. I treated my Hettie with respect, gave her whatever she asked for, and took all her flack with a smile on my face."
"Is that all you did?" asks Rabbi Bloom.
"No, not all," replies Cyril, "on special occasions, I sometimes took Hettie to far away places."
"So tell us, Cyril," asks Rabbi Bloom, "where did you take Hettie on the last special occasion?"
"I took Hettie to Beijing in China on our 40th wedding anniversary," replies Cyril.
"Wow!" says Rabbi Bloom, "If only all Jewish husbands could follow your example. But before you sit down, Cyril, can you tell us what you're planning to do on your 50th anniversary?"
Cyril replies, "I'm going to go back to Beijing and bring Hettie back."

(#1974) Table manners
[My thanks to Asher for the following]
Daniel is sitting at a table with some of his friends and family at his cousin’s barmitzvah party. They have just eaten a terrific meal of chicken soup, roast chicken, asparagus spears, broccoli (Daniel’s favourite), roast potatoes, rhubarb tart and lots more.
Now he is utterly bloated and glad to be sitting down. But then, Oy Vey, as the minutes tick by, he starts to feel the desperate urge to pass wind. He says to himself, "The music is really loud and I’m sure if I did have to, no one would hear me anyway."
Five minutes later, the urge becomes too great and he releases his pent up wind. And for the next few minutes, it was one fortz after another. "Thank God the music is loud," he says to himself. But when he then looks around the table at his friends and relatives, he sees that they are all staring at him. At once, Daniel understands why – he remembers he’s listening to his ipod.

(#1975) Children will be children
[My thanks to Hilary for the following]
Betty wakes up to a knock on her door. It’s 7am and it’s Mothers Day. Then Betty’s two teenage children, Suzy and Paul, walk into her room with smiles on their faces and say to her, "Happy Mothers Day, mum. Please don’t get up. As our treat to you, we want you to stay in bed and we’ll make breakfast."
Soon the smell of fried eggs and vorsht wafts up into her room and Betty is now really looking forward to her breakfast in bed. But after 15 minutes have gone by and there is still no breakfast, Betty gets up and goes downstairs to investigate. And there is Suzy and Paul sitting at the kitchen table finishing off their breakfast. And there’s nothing cooking. Betty looks at them both and says, "Nu? Vos iz mit the breakfast?"
"We’ve already told you," replies Suzy. "It’s our surprise for Mothers Day. We decided to make our own breakfast this morning."

vorsht: kosher salami
Vos iz mit: what’s wrong with ….?.

(#1976) Polish to English
[My thanks to Ilan H for the following]
Nahum and Lukasz, originally from Warsaw but now living in Golders Green, meet one day in their local delicatessen.
"So Lukasz," asks Nahum, "you are polishing up your English well?"
"No, Nahum," replies Lukasz, "I am englishing up my Polish."

(#1977) Riddle
Q: Why did God make man before woman?
A: To give him enough time to think of an answer to her first question.

(#1978) The unofficial Seder night invite
[My thanks to Hilary for the following]
It’s the first Seder night and David and Andrea have invited their parents, their grandparents, their children, their grandchildren, their mishpocheh and many of their friends. The house is packed.
After the main prayers are over, it’s PARTAKE OF THE MEAL time, and while the food is being served, the front door bell rings. Uncle Max is nearest the door and so opens it. There on the doorstep is a man looking a bit forlorn.
The man says to Max, "I need someone’s help…."
But before he can continue, Max says, "Say no more. Anyone who is in need tonight can come in. Follow me and I’ll get you some food and a nice glass of wine to warm you.  Max then shows him into the dining room and although no one knows who he is, the latest guest is soon sitting down with the others and enjoying a great meal with Pesach wine.
45 minutes have gone by when suddenly the man gets up, goes over to David and Andrea and says, "Thank you both for the hospitality you’ve shown me. I wasn't even invited to this party – I only came in to tell you that one of your guests' cars is blocking the road and I can’t get my large 4x4 past it. Not only that, I’ve just remembered that all this time, my wife has been sitting in our car patiently waiting for me to get the other car moved so we can get home."

seder: the traditional evening home service and meal during Passover. During the seder service, we declare, "All who are hungry come in and eat; all who are in need come in and celebrate Passover."
mishpocheh: the entire family network of relatives by blood or marriage

(#1979) Accuracy is everything!
[My thanks to Uriah for the following]
70 year old Bessie is brought into Edgware Hospital suffering from what looks like a bullet wound to the knee. She is seen by doctor Minky and operated on very soon after. Later, doctor Minky visits her and tells her that the operation was a success. "You’ll be pleased to learn that the bullet missed your knee and you should soon be back on your feet. So tell me, how did it happen? I have to fill in a police report for all suspected bullet wounds."
"Oy, doctor," cries Bessie, "it’s all my husband Bernie’s fault,"
"Why do you say that?" asks doctor Minky.
"Because I found out from a friend of mine that Bernie was going to leave me for a shiksa 30 years his junior," replies Bessie. "He told my friend that he was soon going to start a new life without me."
"So was it Bernie that shot you?" asks doctor Minky.
"Oh no, doctor," replies Bessie, "I just couldn’t bear to go through the shame of Bernie leaving me so I decided to shoot myself with the gun he keeps in his bureau for emergencies. I know where my heart is, so I aimed the gun just below my left nipple and fired. And that’s why I’m here."
 

go to the one hundred and tenth set of Jewish jokes

BACK TO INDEX PAGE