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go to the one hundred and eighth set of Jewish jokes
This is the one hundred and seventh set of Jewish jokes
(#1950) A special present
[My thanks to Asher for the following]
One day, Moshe and Sydney meet at Brent Cross Shopping Centre. "So howís life treating you Moshe?" asks Sydney.
"Itís not too bad, Sydney. God has been kind to me and let me reach 40 years of age last week."
"Mazeltov Moshe," says Sydney. "Did you get any nice presents?"
"Well," replies Moshe, "mine Sarah bought me an SUV."
"Wow!" says Sydney, "What a fantastic present to be given. I would love to have an SUV. It looks a great car to drive."
"Donít get too excited," says Moshe. "Sarah only bought me Socks, Underwear and Viagra."
[My thanks to Asher P for the following]
Isaac Minky grew up and did all of his scientific training in his home town of Euston, London. After getting his BSc and PhD degrees, he leaves for Tel Aviv where he quickly becomes the worldís most renowned Metallurgist.
A few years later, Professor Minky is back in Euston to deliver a significant paper on metallurgy at a leading scientific conference. He walks up to the podium, places his papers on the lectern, and because his lecture is also being broadcast live on radio, carefully adjusts the microphone. Then he begins. But oy vey, as soon as he starts talking, he somehow manages to knock most of his papers onto the floor. But even worse, as he bends over to pick them up, he inadvertently lets loose an enormously loud fortz (donít forget, he had his motherís chopped liver, chicken soup, and salt beef with latkes and broccoli the night before). The microphone amplifies this Ďsoundí not only to all those in the conference hall, but also to all those listening to him on the radio. Although terribly embarrassed, he somehow maintains his composure and delivers his paper without further mishap. As soon as he finishes, he quickly leaves the theatre and is never seen in his home town of Euston again.
40 years later, Professor Minky gets a message that his elderly mother is very ill in a hospital in Euston. Even though he still clearly remembers what happened the last time he was in Euston, he decides that he must see his mother. So he books into a hotel under the name of Miller. When he arrives, the desk clerk says to him, "Welcome, Mr Miller. Is this the first time youíve been to Euston?"
"No it isn't," replies Professor Minky. "I actually grew up here in Euston and received my education here, but then I moved overseas and Iíve not been back since."
"So why have you waited so long to return?" asks the desk clerk.
"Well I did visit once, many years ago," replies Professor Minky, "but a very embarrassing thing happened to me and since then I've been too ashamed to return."
The clerk tries to console him. "I realise that Iím only a clerk, Mr Miller, but I have learned that what at the time might seem embarrassing to us isnít even remotely embarrassing to others. I bet that's also true of what happened to you and that everyone has forgotten it. When did it happen? Was it a long time ago?"
"Yes," replies Professor Minky, "it happened many, many years ago."
"So how long ago was it?" asks the clerk. "Was it before or after the Minky Fart?"
fortz (vulgar): fart
Renee and Isaac have been invited to Sarahís wedding and are discussing what present they should give her.
"So what do you think, Isaac?" asks Renee. "Iíve known Sarah for many years but I canít say sheís one of my very best friends."
"Well in that case," replies Isaac, "I donít think we should give her anything too expensive."
"I agree, darling," says Renee, "so I have a suggestion to make. Do you know that ugly silver tray we were given on our wedding? We havenít used it once and itís still in its original box. I know it has our initials engraved on it, but Iím sure a good silversmith can remove them and put some new initials on it. Sarah wonít be able to tell itís not a new tray and weíll save some money."
"What a great idea," says Isaac. Why not take it in to Roken the silversmith tomorrow?"
So the following day, Renee takes the tray to Mr Roken and tells him how she would like the tray altered.
Mr Roken uses an eye glass to look closely at the existing initials, then looks up at Renee and says, "Oy yoy yoy, lady, it canít be done - one can only make such changes three times."
(#1953) The thief
Hannah bumps into an old friend of hers at Brent Cross Shopping Centre. "So, Judith, howís life been treating you?" asks Hannah.
"Well Hannah, if you must know," replies Judith, "my very best friend has run off with my husband. I havenít seen him now for over a week."
"Oh Judith," says Hannah, "Iím so sorry to hear it. Who is this kurveh? Do I know her?"
"No, Iíve absolutely no idea who she is," replies Judith.
"But you just called her your best friend," says Hannah, looking puzzled."
"Listen Hannah, anyone who takes that shmendrick of a husband away from me will always be my very best friend."
shmendrick: a weakling,
a simpleton, feeble, spineless
(#1954) Advice from the rabbi
Ruth and Paul are soon to be married and go to see their rabbi about a problem theyíre facing. "Hello Rabbi Levy," says Paul, as they enter the rabbiís office.
"Ah, itís the shulís future newly weds!" says Rabbi Levy, warmly. "Youíre getting married soon, arenít you? How are your preparations going?"
"Well rabbi," replies Paul, "thatís really why weíre here. Although weíre going under the chuppah in only three months time, weíre already experiencing an almost overwhelming desire to have some sex right away. And our desire gets stronger with every passing day. Even so, weíve somehow managed to avoid sex, but we feel we wonít be able to do so for much longer. Please help us, rabbi. What can we do and still stay on the right side of Judaic law?"
"Iíll tell you what you can do," replies Rabbi Levy. ďYou can drink orange juice."
Ruth looks puzzled and asks the rabbi, "Orange juice, rabbi? Do we drink it before or after having sex?"
"Neither," replies the rabbi. "I mean instead of."
chuppah: wedding canopy
(#1955) A Wedding Day Wish
[My thanks to Richard K for the following]
An old Jewish man once said to the bride after she got married, "I vish you a penis!"
His way of saying, "I wish you happiness!
(#1956) A testing occasion
23 year-old Emma is very excited. Last night her boyfriend proposed to her and she is about to tell her parents the good news over breakfast. "Mum, Dad," she says excitedly, "You know Joshua, the new boyfriend of mine I met only a few weeks ago? Well, he wants to marry me and I think heís just perfect for me. It was love at first sight."
"Mazeltov darling," shouts Fay, as she rushes over to Emma and gives her a big hug and kiss. "Iíve been waiting for such news for some time."
"Well I hope he can support you," Issy says to Emma. "What does this boy of yours actually do for a living?"
"Heís a chazan, dad," she replies.
"Well, thatís not good news," says Issy. "Iíve always said that no daughter of mine is going to marry a chazan. If you insist on marrying him, I wonít be there to see it."
Emma breaks down crying and begs her father to change his mind, but to no avail. Then Emma has an idea. She suggests that at least he should go see Joshua in action, especially as his shul is within walking distance. Reluctantly, Issy agrees.
The following shabbes, Issy keeps his promise and goes to Joshuaís shul to see him in action. Emma is waiting on the doorstep when he returns home and immediately asks, "Well dad, what did you think of him?"
Issy replies with a wide smile, "Mazeltov, my darling Emma, I think Joshua will make a good husband for you."
On hearing this, Emma cries with happiness. "Oh dad, Iím so, so happy. But tell me Ė why have you changed your mind?"
"I havenít," replies Issy, "Joshua is no chazan."
(#1957) The long promise
Zaydeh Martin is celebrating his 100th birthday at his Care Home with his friends and family. Everybody is complimenting him on how well he looks for a man of his age. One of those present, Paul, a reporter for the Jewish Chronicle, goes over to Martin and says, "I must say Mr Levy that you look remarkably fit for someone your age. How did you manage to achieve such an athletic looking body?"
"Well, Paul," replies Martin, "Iíll let you in on my secret. Itís because I spent over 50 years of my life in the open air walking long distances."
"Thatís an impressive fitness routine," says Paul. "What made you decide to spend so much time doing it?"
"Well it was not entirely my choice. You see, on the very day my late wife Betty and I got married, we made a promise that we kept throughout our 64 years of marriage."
"And what was that promise?" asks Paul.
"Well, replies Martin, "we promised each other that whenever we got into a serious argument, the one who was proved wrong should put on a coat, go outside and take a long walk."
(#1958) The medical at 60
Joseph reaches 60 and decides to see his doctor. "So whatís the matter with you this time Joseph?" asks doctor Levine.
Iím now 60, doctor, and I just donít seem to be able to do all the things around the house that I used to do. "
"OK Joseph," says doctor Levine, "pop up on my examination table and Iíll see what I can find."
When the examination is over, Joseph says, "OK doctor, donít be scared, I can take it. Just tell me in plain English - whatís wrong with me?"
"Do you really want to know, Joseph?" asks doctor Levine.
"Yes I do," replies Joseph.
"Well, in plain English," says doctor Levine, "you're just plain lazy."
"Okay," says Joseph, "now give me the medical term so that I can tell my wife Sarah."
(#1959) Itís obvious
[My thanks to Dan D for the following]
During an Israeli pop concert in Israel, Daniel, the lead singer, asks the audience for some quiet. Then, when silence descends, he starts slowly clapping his hands in a gentle rhythm. The audience are mesmerised. He then puts his lips close up to the microphone and says, "What Iím about to say is important to all of us who care about our fellow humans. With every clap of my hands, a child somewhere in Africa dies."
Then a voice is heard from the back of the audience. "So nu mister Daniel? Vy donít you stop clapping?"
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