(#1930) A visit by Sir Alan Sugar
As part of his regular charitable activities, Sir Alan Sugar is today visiting a residential care home in Golders Green. Although it will be the first time he’s been to this particular home, he always looks forward to such visits because he loves cheering up the elderly residents, and they in turn always enjoy seeing and talking to a well known Jewish TV celebrity.
But as soon as Sir Alan enters the residents lounge, gornisht. He is dismayed to discover that no one seems to know who he is. So he walks over to a lovely elderly lady, gives her one of his big smiles and says, "Hello, sweetheart, what’s your name?”
"Miriam," she replies.
"So, Miriam, do you know who I am?" asks Sir Alan.
Miriam looks up at him for a few seconds, then replies, "No, I don’t know who you are. But don’t worry dear. Just ask one of the care nurses, they will tell you who you are."

gornisht: nothing
Sir Alan Sugar: an English entrepreneur, businessman, and television personality, particularly notable for starring in the BBC TV series ‘The Apprentice’, based upon the popular American television show of the same name, featuring Donald Trump.

(#1931) Bravery
Judith and Isaac are having an almighty row. "I’m disappointed in you, Isaac," shouts Judith. "When I first married you, I thought you were a brave man."
"Yes dear," Isaac replies, "and so did all my friends."

(#1932) The misunderstanding
One day, as Rebecca is walking down Golders Green Road, she first hears, then sees coming towards her a man pushing a smart pram with a screaming baby inside. And oy vey, what a noise the baby is making.
As the man gets closer to her, Rebecca hears him saying, "Don’t worry Joshua, it will be all right," and "Try not to scream Joshua, nothing will go wrong," and then "Please keep calm Joshua, everything is fine."
When the man reaches her, she says to him, "I really admire the way you are talking to your baby, mister. I’m a mother myself and I think you’re doing a marvellous job in trying to soothe your son Joshua."
"Thanks, but I think you’ve misunderstood the situation," replies the man. "My name is Joshua."

oy vey: oh my goodness

(#1933) Who’s a dumkop?
[My thanks to John T for the following]
Paul is doing some shopping in Waitrose Supermarket one Sunday afternoon when he meets Sam, his next door neighbour. Before Paul can open his mouth, Sam says, "Paul, I’m so glad I’ve met you."
"Why?" asks Paul.
"Because you live in a bungalow and I wanted to tell you to please draw your bedroom curtains first before you next make love to your Naomi."
"Why are you telling me all this?" asks Paul.
"Because while you were making love to your Naomi last night," replies Sam, "the whole street was watching and laughing."
"Oy, what dumkops I have as neighbours," Paul replies. "What yolds they are. The laughs on them because I was out of the country on business yesterday and I didn’t get home until this morning."

yold: a chump, someone easily duped
dumkop: a dumbbell, a stupid person

(#1934) Recognition
Hannah and Arnold have just moved house and in her first week in their new home, Hannah has been spending a lot of time looking out her window to see what their neighbours are like. One morning, she shouts over to Arnold, "Darling, come over here quickly."
Arnold puts down his paper and does what he’s told. As they look out the window, Hannah points and says, "Just look at that couple who live over the road to us."
"Yes dear, I see them," says Arnold. "So what’s so special you should call me over to look at them?"
"Well," replies Hannah, "they are obviously very devoted to one another because every time he leaves to go to work, he passionately kisses his wife goodbye on their doorstep, then walks away blowing kisses to her all the way down the road until he’s out of sight."
"That’s nice dear," says Arnold.
"So why don’t you do that?" she asks him.
Arnold replies, "I’d like to dear, but I hardly know her."

(#1935) An Einstein question
If Einstein told Jewish jokes, would they be relatively funny?

(#1936) Bad news day
It’s Wednesday and today is the day that Naomi, Esther and Rebecca always meet for coffee in Brent Cross shopping centre.
"So how has your week been, girls?" asks Naomi.
"Oy! Have I had a week," replies Esther. "Last Friday, my daughter caught my son-in-law kissing the au pair and after a blazing row he walked out on her and their two children."
Rebecca replies, "Oy vey! If you two think that’s bad, then just hear this. My son left home last Thursday and left me a note. It said he was gay and was leaving to set up home with the married man who lives opposite us."
Then Naomi replies, "Oy vey iz mir! You two have heard nothing yet. On Monday, my daily cleaner told me she didn’t want to work for me any more."

(#1937) Flying with a difference
‘Minky Airlines’, a new airline, has just opened up for business. It’s different from all the other airlines in that it’s the only one offering totally nude flights. The flights are not only great for passengers who like thrills and a bit of excitement whilst flying, but they’re also good for the flight attendants - it makes it easier for them to spot the passengers who order kosher meals.

(#1938) Repeat business?
[My thanks to Howard K for the following]
Benny, a bachelor, wins some big money on the Lottery and decides to spend some of it on a trip to New York. He’s always wanted to see the Big Apple in style, so he’s booked a Business Class flight and a Suite in ‘The Minky Plaza’, one of the City’s up-and-coming luxury hotels.
As soon as he arrives at the hotel, he unpacks, then goes down to the hotel’s posh lounge. As he’s sitting there drinking his coffee and kvelling, an attractive young lady suddenly sits down next to him. She puts her hand on his arm, looks him in the eyes, smiles seductively and says, "Hi handsome. I’d like you to know that I’m selling."
Benny thinks for a few seconds and then, because he likes the look of her, replies, "So nu, is vat you’re selling very costly?"
"No," she replies. "I believe that what I’m selling is very keenly priced."
"Vell all right then," says Benny excitedly, "I’m buying it. Let’s go to my room and complete the transaction right away."
Benny spends a great night with her and in the morning she asks him for $700. Although this is more than Benny thought it would be, he pays her with a smile - after all, it’s only a small part of his Lottery winnings.
A week later, Benny returns to his London home. But in the months that follow, he suffers from a number of sexually transmitted infections, all of them embarrassing and all of them unbelievably painful. At one stage, he becomes very ill and nearly dies. If it wasn’t for the Lottery win, he wouldn’t have been able to afford the very expensive medical treatments that eventually get him back to good health again.
The following year, Bennie again spends a week at ‘The Minky Plaza.’ One night, as he’s drinking coffee in the lounge, he spots the lady who nearly killed him the year before. She also sees him and immediately goes over to him. "Hi," she says. "It’s nice to see you again. I thought I’d let you know that I’m still selling."
"Oy vey, it’s you again," says Bennie. "I didn’t think you’d have the chutzpah to come over to me. So vot are you selling this year? Cancer?"

kvelling: gushing with pride
nu: well, so
chutzpah: insolence, impudence, unmitigated cheek, effrontery

(#1939) The three undesirables
For some time now, Miriam and her husband have been unable to reconcile their many differences. It soon reaches the point where she can no longer stand his behaviour and she sues him for divorce. He immediately walks out on her.
During the ensuing court proceedings, Miriam’s lawyer informs the judge, "Your Honour, my client’s husband is what we usually describe as a parekh. He has walked out on my client and refuses to pay anything to support her. In addition, he’s also a very undesirable person indeed."
"What do you mean by ‘undesirable’, Mr Gold?" asks the judge.
"Let me give you three examples, your Honour," replies the lawyer. "My client’s husband is a shikker, a gonif, and a grober."
"Mr Gold, please explain to the Court, in English, what these three terms mean," asks the judge.
"Well your Honour," replies the lawyer, "he drinks just like Lot, he sins just like Haman, and he swears and curses just like Balaam."
As soon as the judge hears this, he declares, "The divorce is granted. And let me point out that if ever the three despicable associates of the husband are brought in front of me, I will make every effort to see that they are severely punished."

parekh: a good for nothing lowlife
shikker: a drunkard
gonif: a thief, swindler
grober: a coarse, vulgar, uncouth person.
 

go to the one hundred and sixth set of Jewish jokes

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