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go to the one hundred and fifth set of Jewish jokes

This is the one hundred and fourth set of Jewish jokes



(#1920) Flattery will get you nowhere
Rabbi Gold is leaving Hendon shul to become rabbi of a shul in Manchester and todayís service is the last heís leading at Hendon. Immediately the service ends, he goes over to the exit and starts to shake hands with the congregation as they leave the shul.
Freda, an elderly lady, is one of the last to leave and as she shakes Rabbi Goldís hand, she says to him, "Weíll miss you rabbi. Your successor just won't be as good as you."
Feeling rather flattered, Rabbi Gold replies, "Oh donít be silly. Iím sure he will be just as good as me."
"But I really mean it," says Freda. "Since I've been a member of Hendon shul, Iíve been under the leadership of four different rabbis and I can honestly tell you that each new rabbi, including yourself, has always been much worse than the previous one."

(#1921) A riddle
Q: Why do we say, "Amen" at the end of prayers instead of, "Awomen"?
A: For the same reason that we sing "Hymns" instead of "Hers"

(#1922) Giving the wrong image
Peter, a Coca Cola salesman, returns home from his assignment in Israel very disappointed. He immediately goes to see his boss.
"So Peter," asks his boss, "why weren't you successful with the Israelis?"
"When I got sent to Israel to increase our Coca Cola sales," replies Peter, "I was confident that I would be able to succeed even though I couldnít speak Hebrew."
"So what did you do to get round the language problem?" asks his boss.
"I decided to convey our message to the Israelis via a Picture Poster campaign," replies Peter, "and after a week of effort, I came up with the Israeli Poster. Although having no text on it, this Poster was able to strongly put across our message using just three high definition images. These images, when viewed sequentially, clearly told the Coca Cola story."
"So what were these three images, Peter?" asks his boss.
"The left hand picture - the first image," replies Peter, "shows a man lying in the hot desert sand, totally exhausted and close to fainting. The middle picture - the second image, shows the man drinking Coca Cola. And the right hand picture - the third image, shows the man totally refreshed and happy."
"So what did you then do?" asks the boss.
"We printed tens of thousands of the posters," replies Peter, "and got them pasted up all over Israel."
"That should have worked very well for us," says the boss. "So what went wrong, Peter?"
"I didnít realize," replies Peter, "that Jewish people read from right to left. So the pictures gave the totally opposite message to the one I planned."

(#1923) Charity begins at home
[My thanks to Asher P for the following]
Stephen is in his study working on his computer. He reads the last of the emails sent to him and laughs - itís a Ďfunnyí email which includes an image of a naked Playboy Bunny Girl. Stephen then goes downstairs to read the newspapers. But he forgets to close down the computer.
A few minutes later, his 4 year old son Paul wanders past the study and sees on the computer screen, in full colour, the image of the Bunny Girl. Paul stares at the image for a while and then goes into his room to write a letter to God. This is what he wrote: -

Dear God
Please send some nice clothes for that poor lady in Daddy's computer who hasnít got any
Love
Paul
XXX
(#1924) A day at the races
[My thanks to Frank R for the following]
Isaac has never stepped foot on a racecourse and resolves to put that right. The next day, he buys a ticket for Ascot.
Immediately he gets there, Isaac goes into the paddock to look over the horses taking part in race number One. As heís walking around, Isaac notices a rabbi standing next to an attractive brown and white horse. The rabbi is praying and rocking gently backwards and forwards. Isaac thinks this is a sign from heaven, makes a note of the horseís number and then goes and places a bet for the horse to win. And 15 minutes later, surprise, surprise, the horse wins and Isaac is smiling as he picks up his winnings.
Isaac then goes back to the paddock to look at the runners for race number Two. And there is the rabbi again, this time praying over a lovely looking black horse. So Isaac puts all his winnings on that horse to win. And again the rabbiís horse wins and Isaac picks up his winnings.
By the time the fifth race is over, Isaac has won a sizeable amount of money and decides that he will follow the rabbiís Ďpickí just once more and then call it a day. So he goes into the paddock to look at the runners for race number Six and there is the rabbi, praying next to a beautiful white horse. So Isaac places all his winnings on the white horse to win.  But oy vay, it doesnít win and Isaac loses all his winnings for the day. Heís very upset and decides to ask the rabbi what went wrong.
"Rabbi," he asks, "Iíve been watching you pray over one of the horses for each of the last six races and Iíve bet on every one of these six horses to win. And all have won except the last horse - it actually came in last. I donít understand why it didnít win like the other five."
The rabbi looks closely at Isaac and says, "You look Jewish Ė are you a Jewish boy?"
"Yes rabbi," replies Isaac, "Iím a nice Jewish boy."
"Mazeltov," says the rabbi, "do you go to shul?"
"Yes I do," replies Isaac.
"Wonderful," says the rabbi. "So what kind of shul do you go to?"
"Iím a member of a Reform synagogue," replies Isaac.
"Well then, thatís the trouble," says the rabbi. "Most Reform Jews donít know the difference between a brocheh and kaddish."

brocheh: blessing
kaddish: mournerís prayer

(#1925) Interpretation counts
[My thanks to Hilary for the following]
Howard has just finished reading an article in the Jewish Chronicle about fathers, genetics, and the intelligence of children. He turns to his wife Judith and says, "Darling, Iíve just read an article that says something Iíve believed in for a long time."
"So what does this article say, Howard?" asks Judith, trying to look interested.
"It says that scientific evidence now points to the fact that the intelligence of a father often proves a stumbling block to his son."
"Thank God for that," says Judith. "It means that there is nothing standing in the way for our little Paul to be a great success in the future."

(#1926) Another riddle
[My thanks to Asher P for the following]
Q: What is a Jewish Princessís ideal dream house?
A: A 3,000 square feet home but with no kitchen.

(#1927) The Wonders of Science
[My thanks to Uriah for the following]
One of the longest existing problems in the Jewish food world is at last resolved. The Minkovsky Organisation, a new start-up company in Tel Aviv, discovers how to manufacture kosher knaydlach without the touch of human hands.
Straight away the required factory is built and within months there is enormous demand all over the world for their exciting new product. Everyone is asking for packets of KUBdoubleH (which Iím sure readers know means - Knaydlach Untouched By Human Hand).
Naturally, as soon as they hear about it, the Japanese get very interested and want to know what technology is being used to make KUBdoubleH. So they send a delegation to Tel Aviv to find out more. When they arrive, they meet the companyís President who gives them forecast sales figures followed by plates of delicious hot knaydlach soup made, of course, with KUBdoubleH. The Japanese delegation instantly decide to sign a contract which will allow them to manufacture KUBdoubleH in Tokyo.
And then they are taken to see the knaydlach production line in action. And as soon as they see it, they get a big surprise. There, working on a large conveyor belt making knaydlach, are hundreds of chimpanzees.

knaydlach: matzo balls served in chicken soup

(#1928) Terms & Conditions agreed
Arnold and Naomi are on holiday in London and go to see a very popular West End show called
AN EVENING OF MAGIC AND ILLUSIONS BY THE GREAT MINKOVSKY
Minkovsky has just amazed his audience by clearly sawing in half a volunteer from the audience and then putting him back together again. After the applause eventually dies down, Arnold shouts out to Minkovsky, "Oy mister. How on earth did you do that?"
"Well sir," replies Minkovsky. "Anyone can come to my dressing room after the performance is over and I can show them how I did it. But I would then have to kill them immediately afterwards."
After thinking about this answer for a few seconds, Arnold shouts back, "Ok, Mr Minkovsky, I agree with your terms and conditions. Please be ready to show my wife how it was done!"

(#1929) After the celebration
[My thanks to Asher P for the following]
Sidney asks his wife Sarah, "Is it OK to go out tonight for a few lechayim drinks with my friends Benjy and Harry to celebrate Harryís birthday?"
Sarah replies, "OK, but only on condition that you donít get shikker as you always do on Pesach, drinking Palwin wine!"
"But of course," replies Sidney.
Later that night, after a number of drinks, Sidney is becoming quite woozy and true to his promise, he says goodbye to his friends and leaves. By the time he returns home, Sidney is feeling quite randy and immediately goes upstairs to Sarah. But she is lying on her back fast asleep in bed with her mouth open. Sidney has an idea. He goes downstairs, takes two Aspirin tablets from the medicine box, brings them back upstairs, and drops them into Sarahís open mouth. Immediately, Sarah begins coughing.
"Oy vay! What on earth are you doing to me?" shouts Sarah. "What did you just put in my mouth?"
"Iíve just given you two Aspirin as usual, darling," replies Sidney.
"But I don't have a headache, you meshugganah," Sarah shouts at him.
"That's all I wanted to hear," says Sidney smiling and he starts to undress.

lechayim: a toast to life / good health
shikker: to be drunk
meshugganah: crazy person
 

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