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go to the one hundred and fourth set of Jewish jokes

This is the one hundred and third set of Jewish jokes





(#1910) An old age problem
Two elderly ladies, Miriam and Naomi, meet for the first time for many, many years and decide to catch up on things over a coffee and a bagel at Minkyís Kosher Snacks.
"So, Miriam," says Naomi, "itís been a long time. How have you been getting on?"
"Oy, Naomi," replies Miriam, "you shouldnít have asked me that question. I think old age is terrible. Iím 75 years old and Iím 5 foot 3 inches tall. Yet when I was in my twenties, I was nearly 5 foot 6 inches tall."
"I know exactly how you feel," says Naomi. "When I was twenty-one, I was 5 foot 5 inches tall. But now Iím nearing eighty, Iím only 5 foot 2 inches tall. Old age really sucks."
Miriam and Naomi do not know that sitting right behind them is Rabbi Levy. As he gets up to leave, Rabbi Levy says to them, "Ladies, I wish you long life. Please God you should both live to 4 foot eleven inches tall."

(#1911) A burning question
As soon as Moses is given the Ten Commandments by God on the top of Mount Sinai, he immediately takes them down to show his people. After much discussion with his elders, Moses is asked to go back up Mount Sinai to ask God for clarification of an important issue. So although tired, Moses once again makes the long and hard trek to the top of Mount Sinai. And there, by the burning bush, he kneels and prays to God.
"Oh Mighty God, King of the Universe," prays Moses, "your people have asked me to raise a very important question with you relating to the Ten Commandments."
"And what is this important question that my people ask of me?" asks God.
"Oh mighty God," replies Moses, "they have instructed me to ask you whether the Ten Commandments are listed in priority sequence."

(#1912) Iím so tired
[My thanks to AK (aka the Ďalter kockerí) for the following]
Daniel, one of the partners of Minky Tailors, is finding business very stressful - and the Credit Crunch doesnít make matters any easier. Soon he finds himself unable to sleep at night and begins to arrive at work looking very tired and haggard. So he decides that from now on, when he returns home from work, he would try a different way to get a good nightís sleep. He begins to listen to classical music but that does no good. He tries drinking hot milk, but that doesnít work either. He takes hot baths - gornisht. He even gets sleeping pills from his doctor, but they just give him greps. Nothing seems to work for Daniel.
One morning, as a last resort, he goes over to Harry, one of his older members of staff, and says, "Oy Vay, Harry. I just canít sleep at night and nothing I try seems to work. Iím oysgemitchet. If I donít find a solution soon, Iím going to go meshugga. Do you know of any older remedies that might help me?"
"Well," replies Harry, "why not try one of the oldest remedies around, one that everyone has heard of?"
"Nu? So tell me already. What remedy is that?" asks Daniel.
"Counting sheep," replies Harry, smiling. "It always works for me."
"Oy, what a dum kopf I am," says Daniel, hitting himself on his forehead with the palm of his hand. "I forgot all about counting sheep. Iím going to try it out tonight. Thanks for your help, Harry."
Next morning, Daniel arrives at work looking just as bad as ever. He immediately goes over to Harry and says, "I counted sheep last night just like you said, but it didnít work. And Oy how I counted sheep! I counted three thousand of them without getting in the least bit tired. So I tried something different. I began shearing the sheep, but that didnít work either - I just stayed wide awake. But I still didnít give up. I dyed all the wool Iíd just sheared, then spun it and made beautiful woollen overcoats from it.  Do you know how tiring it is making three thousand overcoats?  But I thought it was working when I became so exhausted that I began nodding off. But then it all went wrong."
"Why, what happened?" asks Harry.
"I stayed up all night worrying about where I could get three thousand silk linings."

greps: burps
gornisht: nothing
oysgemitchet: exhausted

(#1913) The fortune teller
Judith meets her friend Naomi whom she hasnít seen for many years. "So how are you getting on, Naomi?" she asks.
"If you really want to know," replies Naomi, "Iíve just taken the first steps towards my divorce."
"Oy Vay," says Judith, "Iím sorry to hear this. Have you just seen a solicitor?"
"No," replies Naomi, "Iíve just got married."

(#1914) Yankel and Shmeral
[My thanks to Uriah for the following]
Yankel and Shmeral have been standing in a long queue for nearly forty minutes waiting to buy tickets to see ďFiddler on the RoofĒ when Yankel notices that Shmeral has become very, very pale. So he asks, "wus is, Shmeral?"
"Freig nisht, ich darf neitig pishen," replies Shmeral.
"Oh, I thought for one moment that you were ill," says Yankel, smiling. "Itís not a problem. In such circumstances, you will just have to pee into the pocket of the man in front of you. Everyone does it these days."
"Donít be meshugga, Yankel," says Shmeral, "heís bound to feel what Iím doing and when he does, heís likely to kill me."
"Well did you feel it when I peed into your pocket no more than 5 minutes ago?" says Yankel.

wus is?: what is the matter?
freig nisht, ich darf neitig pishen: don't ask, I just have to pee

(#1915) Green Eggs and WHAT?
[author unknown]
The National Education Association has been celebrating, "Read Across America" by encouraging adults to read to children. Of course, Green Eggs and Ham is one of the most popular Dr. Seuss books. But there is a dilemma. How can Jewish children celebrate with Green Eggs and HAM? So in honour of (and with apologies to the estate of) Dr. Seuss, here is a new ending to the story: -

Will you never see?
They are not kosher, so let me be.
I will not eat green eggs and ham,
I will not eat them, Sam-I-am.
But I'll eat green eggs with a biscuit,
Or I will try them with some brisket.
I'll eat green eggs in a box,
If you serve them with some lox.
And those green eggs are worth a try,
Scrambled up in matzo brie.
And in a boat upon the river,
I'll eat green eggs with chopped liver.
So if you're a Jewish Dr. Seuss fan,
But troubled by green eggs and ham,
Let your friends in on the scoop,
Green eggs taste best with chicken soup!
(#1916) Iíve just heard - 1
[My thanks to Shlomo for the following]
Judith bumps into her friend Esther and immediately asks, "Iíve just heard that you got married, Esther. Iím so happy for you. But do tell me - was it love at first sight?"
"No, Judith, it was love at second sight," replies Esther. "At first sight, there was no way of knowing that my Harry was a multi-millionaire!"

(#1917) Iíve just heard - 2
Benny bumps into his friend Sam and immediately asks, "Iíve just heard that your Estelle has recently won a lot of money on the Lottery, Sam."
"Yes, youíre right," replies Sam.
"So do tell me," asks Benny, "whatís the best thing thatís happened since Estelle won all that money?"
Sam replies, "Sheís now stopped cooking."

(#1918) The juror
Hetty is 71 today and as sheís gathering up the many birthday cards that have just been delivered by the postman, she notices amongst them a letter from the Courts of Justice. Itís a notice for Hetty to do Jury Service. On the letter, it says:
IF YOU THINK YOU HAVE REASON NOT TO SERVE ON A JURY, PLEASE CONTACT US
So Hetty immediately rings the number on the form.
"Hello, how can I help," says the voice on the phone.
"Iíve just received a notice to do jury service and I have to tell you that Iím 71 years old and I donít have to do this anymore."
"OK," says the voice, "Iíll send you an exemption form for you to complete and return to us."
"But I already did that last year," says Hetty.
"Well you have to do this every year," says the voice.
"Why?" says Hetty. "Do you think I get younger each year?

(#1919) Good news and bad news day
[My thanks to Shlomo for the following]
Isaac, Chairman of Minky Leathers, is on an overseas business trip to Krakow. When he arrives, he phones Ruth, his very attractive secretary, to find out whatís been happening on his first day out of the office.
"So, gorgeous," he says, "how is the office managing without me?"
"Things are not going perfectly," she replies. "I have some bad news and some good news for you. What do you want me to tell you first?"
"OK," says Isaac, "not to worry. Why donít you tell me the bad news first and get it out the way?"
"Well then," says Ruth, "two income tax inspectors arrived first thing this morning and insisted I give them every piece of financial information about the Company. I had no choice but to give them everything they asked for. Then as soon as they had left, your largest customer phoned in and said that his business was so bad that heís decided to cancel his recent order with you. Halifax Building Society then phoned and gave me a message to pass on to you. They said that they had no option but to re-possess your Hampstead house. And then, if that wasnít enough, your wife dropped by only 10 minutes ago with your divorce papers. She told me to get you to sign them as soon as you returned to the office. She said she's after at least 50% of everything you have."
"Oy veh iz meer," says Isaac, "so whatís the good news?"
Bursting out with great joy and happiness, Ruth replies, "Oh my darling Isaac, weíre going to have a baby!"
 

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