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go to the one hundred and third set of Jewish jokes

This is the one hundred and second set of Jewish jokes




(#1900) The home visit
[My thanks to Lynn F for the following]
Benjamin has just completed his first year at Manchester University and rings his mother Miriam. "Mum," he says, "if itís OK with you, Iíll be coming home next weekend to see you and dad."
"If itís OK with me?" she replies, crying. "Oh Benjy, of course it will be OK with me. You give me so much naches. Iím thrilled youíre coming. I just canít wait to see you again. Iíll make you all you favourite food. But please drive carefully."
When the call is over, Miriam immediately starts getting his old room ready for him. The weekend quickly arrives and all goes well. There are many things they talk about, but then she asks him, "So, my boychick, you have a nice girlfriend already in Manchester?"
Benjamin was prepared for this question. He knew it would come up during his visit.  "Well, mum," he replies, "I have some good news and some bad news. What do you want to hear first?"
"So give me the bad news first," she replies, looking very worried.
"I'm gay, mum," he replies.
"Oy vay!" cries Miriam, "so tell me the good news before I faint on the floor."
"I'm in love with such a nice doctor, mum," he replies.

(#1901) An eye for a good painting
[My thanks to Geoff E. for the following]
Isaac is fast becoming one of the great Jewish painters of his time and his works of art are much sought after. But recently heís been having trouble with the vision in his right eye and following advice from several of his friends, he books an appointment to see Sir David Minkovitch, a top ophthalmic surgeon.
Three weeks later, following a series of tests carried out on his eye, Isaac is sitting opposite Sir David awaiting the great manís verdict. He is dreading what he might hear.
Sir David looks at Isaac and says, "Iím sorry to have to inform you that you have a serious glaucoma in your right eye."
"Oy vay," cries Isaac.
"But all is not lost, Isaac," continues Sir David. "Iím almost 100% sure that if we act immediately, we can save the sight in your eye."
"Iíll be eternally grateful to you if you can do that, Sir David," says Isaac.
One month following the operation, Isaac has almost regained full vision in his right eye and starts work on his first painting since the operation - a very flattering portrait of Sir David which Isaac decides to show inside the pupil of a large eye. Three months later the finished painting is delivered and Sir David is immediately touched by this wonderful gift. But as he says to his wife soon afterwards, "Itís very unusual to see a portrait painted inside a specialistís area of expertise Ė in my case an eye. Thank goodness Iím not Sir Garry Rokensand."
"Why is that, darling?" asks his wife.
"Because Sir Garry is a proctologist," replies Sir David, "and if Isaac had needed an operation on his backside, rather than his eye, what would Isaac have painted to thank Sir Garry?"

(#1902) Share and share alike
Harry and Arnold are partners in their accountancy firm. One morning, Harry goes into Arnoldís office and asks, "Thereís a rumour going round the firm, Arnold, that youíre having an affair with Betty, our new receptionist. Is this true?"
"Yes it is," replies Arnold. "I took her to the Ritz Hotel last night, and I have to say that sheís so much better in bed compared to my wife."
"OK," says Harry, smiling, "but donít let our staff find out that one of our departments is run by a randy partner."
One month later, Arnold goes into Harryís office and asks, "Thereís a new rumour going round the firm, Harry, that youíre having an affair with Betty. Is this true?"
"Yes, it certainly is," replies Harry, getting all excited. "And I have to say that you were absolutely right. Betty is so much better in bed compared to your wife."

(#1903) Value for money
A second, longer Channel Tunnel joining the UK to France is agreed by Parliament and Lawrence Gold, a building contractor from Golders Green, immediately tenders for the digging of the tunnel. And guess what? He wins the job. As soon as the story hits the newspapers, his best friend Simon goes round to Lawrenceís house.
"Mazeltov, Lawrence," he says, "but Iím surprised by the news this morning. Just how do you expect to dig a tunnel nearly 40 miles long?"
"It wonít be a problem," replies Lawrence. "Itís already planned. Iím going to start with a team on the UK side and my son Paul is going to take a team to France to start on the French side. Then both teams will start digging and weíll just keep on digging until we meet in the middle. Simple."
"But Lawrence," says Simon, "the papers have interviewed top civil engineers and they all say that by far the hardest part of the digging work will be its directional aspects Ė the two teams will find it extremely difficult to be able to meet exactly to the inch, distance-wise and depth-wise."
"Iíve already thought of that, my friend," replies Lawrence. "The answer to this problem was a central part of my tender document and frankly, itís why I got the job. Iíve agreed with our government that if my two teams are unable to meet, they will keep on digging until they reach land. And then the government will have two tunnels for the price of one."

(#1904) The bank transaction
Yvonne goes into Bank Leumi to cash a cheque. When she gets to the front of the queue, she presents the cheque to the cashier and says, "I would like to cash this cheque from my husband, please."
The cashier looks at the cheque and says to her, "Madame, could I ask you for an endorsement on the back."
"Of course," replies Yvonne.
She then takes out her pen, turns the cheque over, and writes, "My husband Morris is a wonderful and loving husband. Heís very caring and honest, he loves his grandchildren, and he regularly donates money to the Jewish Care charity."

(#1905) Yet some more Jewish Personal Ads

(#1906) A visit to an Art Gallery
Harry and Kitty want to add something to their lives that has been missing for many years Ė culture. So they decide to go on a European Cruise. Today they have arrived in Rome. They quickly disembark and as soon as they reach shore, they hire a guide to take them to some leading Art galleries. At the first museum, as Harry passes a large white bust, he says knowledgeably to the guide, "This really is a lovely bust of Leonardo da Vinci."
But the guide, pointing to the bust, replies, "Sorry Mr Harry, but this is not the bust of Leonardo. This is the bust of Michelangelo."
Looking very embarrassed, Kitty goes over to Harry and says to him, "Why do you always have to embarrass me by your ignorance? You must learn to keep your mouth shut, especially when you know nothing about the New Testament!"

(#1907) Heís forgetful
Miriam goes with her husband Barry to see his doctor. When they return, she goes into the study and phones her friend Ruth.
"Iíve just come back from the doctors," says Miriam. "My Barry is not a well man."
"Oy, whatís the matter with him?" asks Ruth.
"Well, you know I keep on telling you how forgetful Barry always is?" replies Miriam. "Well, the doctor has just told us that Barry is now showing all the signs of the onset of Alzheimerís."
"Oh Iím so sorry to hear that, Miriam." says Ruth.
"But there is some good news," says Miriam. "It should be a very smooth transition."

(#1908) Iíll do my utmost
Not long after attending her grandson Paulís 12th birthday party, Rebecca has a heart attack. Whilst in hospital, she starts to plead with her cardiologist. "Oy, doctor David," she says, "youíve just got to keep me alive for the next 12 months so that I can attend my bubbeleh grandson Paulís barmitzvah. Heís my first grandchild."
"Iíll do my utmost to get you there, Rebecca," says doctor David.
"Thank you doctor," says Rebecca. And 12 months later, Rebecca does indeed attend Paulís barmitzvah.
Ten years later, whilst Rebecca is seeing doctor David for a check-up, she says, "I have another request, doctor."
"And what do you need me to do this time, Rebecca?" he asks.
"In a yearís time, please God, my grand-daughter Suzy is marrying a lovely, lovely, man, a real mensh, and I desperately want to attend their wedding. So please, doctor, please ensure that I stay alive long enough to attend their wedding."
"Iíll do my utmost to get you there, Rebecca," says doctor David.
"Thank you doctor," says Rebecca. And 12 months later, Rebecca does indeed attend Suzyís wedding.
Over the next twenty years, Rebecca regularly visits doctor David for check-ups, and she always religiously follows his advice. Then one day, she suddenly phones doctor David. "Hello doctor," she says. "Itís Rebecca here."
"Are you OK Rebecca?" asks doctor David, sounding worried. "Is anything the matter?"
"Nothingís the matter doctor," replies Rebecca, "I think everything is OK and I'm feeling fine. But Iím calling because I have another request to make. Do you remember when you enabled me to attend my grandsonís barmitzvah?"
"Yes Rebecca, I do," he replies.
"And do you remember when you enabled me to attend my grand-daughterís wedding?"
"Yes Rebecca, I do," he replies.
"And are you aware that I've just celebrated my 80th birthday?" asks Rebecca.
"Yes Rebecca, I know," he replies.
"Well, Iím ringing you because Iíve just taken delivery of a new mattress," says Rebecca.
"Mazeltov," says doctor David, "but why are you phoning me about your mattress?"
"Because," replies Rebecca, "the mattress came with a 20 year guarantee!"

(#1909) The Tates - a family of shul goers
One shabbes, Rabbi Saul gives a very special sermon. During the sermon, he describes the Tates, a fictitious family of shul goers. These are the family members he describes: -

Irri canít stand change and is always annoyed by even the slightest of change in the shulís protocols or melodies. For example, last week, the choir leader decided to change the shulís regular tune for Adon Alom and Irri complained strongly to Rabbi Saul immediately after the service.
Agi (Irriís wife) always seems to upset Irri. She does not believe in retaining old shul melodies just for the sake of it, and it was she who suggested the new Adon Alom melody to the choir leader. She had heard it when she and Agi attended a recent barmitzvah in another shul.
Immi (Irriís daughter) is only three years old but she already sings along with everyone, no matter what the tune, and she bows at the Aleinu.
Dick (Irriís father) tries to be very authoritative and always thinks heís right. Heís always ordering everyone around, although they rarely take any notice of him.
Facili (Irriís mother) can always be relied upon to get things done. Her family look up to her and she serves on the shul board as well as two shul committees.
Rabbi Saulís sermon goes down very well with the congregation. Even though they did not know who the Tate family were at the start of the sermon, by the time Rabbi Saul has finished, they are all nodding their heads in recognition.
 

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