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go to the one hundred and second set of Jewish jokes
This is the one hundred and first set of Jewish jokes
(#1890) The Hebrew lesson
8 year old Isaac has been going to his shulís Hebrew classes for 5 months but is struggling to understand the words. Like many other children of his age, he finds it difficult to concentrate on anything other then his mobile phone, his computer games and his adventure DVDs. Today, Rabbi Bloom, his teacher, is having a particularly difficult time with Isaac.
"So Isaac," asks Rabbi Bloom, "do you remember what the Hebrew word isha means?"
"I canít remember, rabbi," replies Isaac, looking embarrassed.
Rabbi Bloom decides to help Isaac as much as he can. "Let me give you a hint, then," says Rabbi Bloom. "Just watch my lips. Isha means a wÖ"
"A witch?" suggests Isaac.
"Now donít be silly, Isaac," says Rabbi Bloom, "try again. Isha means a wÖ"
"A wizard, maybe or a werewolf?" suggests Isaac.
"No, dummkopf," says Rabbi Bloom, getting a bit angry. "Donít be silly. Please concentrate. Iíll give you one more chance. Isha means a wÖ"
"A Walkman?" replies Issac.
"Just where do you think a Walkman fits into the stories from the Old Testament?" groans Rabbi Bloom.
Then he tries one more approach. "Isaac, Isha is something your father has, your uncle has, and what I too have. Now do you know what isha means?"
"Yes," replies Isaac, "I know now. Isha is a wart."
dummkopf: a stupid person
isha: a wife
(#1891) Learning to be charitable
[My thanks to Shlomo for the following]
Monty is not a happy man and goes to see Rabbi Levy for some help. "Rabbi," he says, "Iím just not happy these days and I donít know what to do about it."
"OK, Monty," says Rabbi Levy, "let me ask you a few questions. Is it a lack of money thatís causing your unhappiness?"
"No, rabbi," replies Monty, "itís certainly not money. Iím a very wealthy man."
"So, do you donate any of your money to charity?" asks Rabbi Levy.
"Well Ö actually Öno," stutters Monty. "Iíve always thought of doing so, but Iíve never managed to do it."
"I think this might be your problem, Monty," says Rabbi Levy. "Being mean with oneís money is actually a sin. It nearly always makes most Jews feel quite bad about themselves, and itís a feeling that only goes away when something is given back to society."
"But thatís easy for you to say, rabbi," says Monty. "Iíve never in my life ever given money to anyone other than my close family. The thought of giving money to unknown people via a charity is alien to me. It will make me ill."
"That might be so, Monty," says Rabbi Levy, "but unless you do, youíll remain miserable all your life. So this is what I want you to do. As soon as you leave here, I want you to give £50 as a present to the first person you see in the street. Once you have done this, I promise you it will become much easier for you to start donating money to worthy charities."
Monty leaves the rabbiís house and within minutes of walking down the street, he comes up to a heavily made up, quite attractive lady standing by a fence. Sheís wearing a leather mini skirt and high heels. So very reluctantly, Monty opens his wallet, takes out £50, gives it to her and says, ďHere you are lady, this is for you."
The lady looks at Monty, then says, "What makes you think £50 is enough, you cheapskate. You have to give me £100."
"But the rabbi told me £50 was enough," says Monty.
"Well the rabbi would say that, wouldnít he?" she says. "£50 is OK only when youíre a regular of mine - like he is."
(#1892) The problem solver
Monty meets up with his friend Cyril in Brent Cross Shopping Centre. "Nu Cyril, why the glum face?" asks Monty. "Itís not like you to look so sad."
"Oy Vay iz meer, do I have a problem," replies Cyril. "The Credit Crunch is killing me Ė I just have to raise £200,000 in the next fortnight or else my 20-year-old business is doomed."
"Donít worry, my friend," says Monty, "You can easily overcome your problem."
"How can I do that?" asks Cyril.
"Hereís what you do," replies Monty. "Go out into the streets and sell 200,000 shoe-laces for £1 each."
"But I donít have any shoe-laces," says Cyril.
"Oy, then you have a problem," says Monty.
(#1893) The wise Judge
[My thanks to Joe D, Asher P, and Frank R for the following]
Louis is very frum and has just moved into an expensive apartment on the 5th floor of a high rise block of flats in Hampstead. But when he builds a succah on his balcony, all trouble breaks loose. His non-Jewish neighbours claim that his succah is so ugly and so visible from the street below that the values of their apartments are being negatively affected by it. So they take him to court and the case is heard in front of Judge Goldbloom just one day before the start of the 8 day festival of Succoth. Those who know Judge Goldbloom say he is a very wise man.
Louis is very worried that if he loses the case and heís asked to remove his succah, he wonít have time to make alternative arrangements.
After hearing both sidesí arguments, Judge Goldbloom looks at Louis and says, "Iím surprised at you. Youíre living in an expensive block of flats and itís therefore expected of you to maintain a high standard of external building work. You had no right to put up such an eyesore on this lovely block of flats without obtaining a suitable building permit. I must therefore rule that either you remove the succah or else I will have no option but to fine you £500. You have exactly eight days, starting from tomorrow, to remove it. Next case!"
(#1894) Pleasures of the flesh
Itís soon to be Danielís barmitzvah and Rabbi Levy, as he always does two weeks before the event, invites Daniel and his parents to a dinner at his house. During dinner, Daniel canít help noticing that Rabbi Levy is putting a great amount of salt on his food. So Daniel quietly asks his father why.
"Itís because the rabbi is a saint, Daniel," replies his father, almost whispering, "and all his pleasures are spiritual. For example, he avoids enjoying the food he eats by putting lots of salt on it to kill any nice taste."
Daniel turns his head slowly away from his father and takes a closer look at Rabbi Levyís wife. Daniel might be only 12 today but that doesnít stop him noticing that she is a beautiful lady with an attractive figure and a very pretty face.
Daniel must have been staring at the rabbiís wife for a while because suddenly his father says to him, "Please don't stare at the rabbi's wife, Daniel, it's very rude."
"Sorry dad," says Daniel, "I was only trying to calculate how much salt the rabbi would need to take in order to have no pleasures at all."
(#1895) Morning and evening treatment
[My thanks to Hilary for the following]
Howard goes to see his doctor because heís been feeling very tired of late and seems to have lost his stamina. Howard takes his wife Freda with him.
After an examination, Doctor Myers says itís not too serious and gives Howard a prescription for some pills. He then tells Freda that for the next month, she should make sure that Howard not only takes one pill every morning, but also drinks a glass of red Carmel wine with his dinner every evening.
After three weeks have gone by, Freda bumps into Doctor Myers whilst out shopping. Doctor Myers immediately asks her, "So how is Howard doing with his wine and pills treatment?"
"About 50/50, I think," replies Freda. "He's about 2 weeks behind with the taking of his pills, but heís made up for this by being about 2 weeks ahead with the Carmel red wine."
(#1896) The two prayers
Laurence and Nathan have been arguing with each other for many months, and they have recently even taken to shouting at each other in shul. But with Yom Kippur coming up, Rabbi Bloom doesnít want to hear them arguing during the service. So he calls them both over to his house.
With both of them standing in front of him, Rabbi Bloom says, "Listen to me, both of you. You now must, and I mean must, make peace with each other. God does not want two of his children arguing in front of him all the time. You will soon be going to shul to pray for God to forgive you your sins. But how can you do this if you canít first of all forgive your fellow man?"
Laurence and Nathan are moved by Rabbi Bloomís plea. Laurence looks at Nathan and moves towards him. Nathan opens his arms and soon they are both hugging each other. They then promise not to fight and argue any more.
Two weeks later in shul, as soon as the Kol Nidrei service finishes, Nathan goes over to Laurence, shakes his hand warmly, and says, "Laurence, just to let you know that I prayed for you tonight. I prayed everything that you prayed for me."
Laurence replies, "Oy Vay, youíre starting up again already?"
(#1897) The choice of reward
[My thanks to Hilary for the following]
Rabbi Shmuel is leading a bible study group at his shul when all of a sudden, an angel appears. The Angel says to the rabbi, "RabbiShmuel. You are an example to all of your fellow men. You are totally unselfish; your behaviour is faultless; your study of Judaism is extensive; and your charity giving is exemplary. So, in return for being such a mensh, I am going to offer you a choice of reward. You can either have infinite wealth, infinite health, or infinite wisdom. What will it be, Rabbi Shmuel? Whatever you choose will be immediately granted."
Without any hesitation whatsoever, Rabbi Shmuel replies, "I would love to have infinite wisdom."
"Mazeltov to you, Rabbi Shmuel," says the Angel. "Itís done. Enjoy!"
The Angel then disappears as quickly as it had appeared. For a few minutes there was a stunned silence in the study group. No one could believe what had just happened in front of their eyes. Then one of the study group broke the silence.
"Rabbi Shmuel," he asks, "why donít you test out your new found wisdom right away? Say something really wise to us, rabbi."
Rabbi Shmuel replies, "Oy vay, I should have taken the money."
(#1898) Fair exchange
Today was the day Naomi has been waiting for Ė her wedding day. At the commencement of the shul service, her father is escorting her down the aisle to the chuppah. She looks absolutely stunning and all eyes are on her. They reach the khassen, but just before her father moves away from them, Naomi smiles and places something in his hand.
Those in the front row see what is handed over and begin to quietly laugh Ė in return for giving his daughter away in marriage, she gives her father back his credit card!
(#1899) The big Yiddish test
(answers at the end)
Q1: You're driving around in the countryside and have no idea where you are. You are:
Q2: You go to the Sales and find a £1,000
designer dress for only £59.99. You've found a:
Q3: He eats like a pig, wipes his face
with the back of his hand, farts, picks his nose at the dinner table and
swears all the time. He's a real:
c) grubber yung
Q4: Which one of these is not a body part?
Q5: Which one of these is not an insult:
a) shayner maydel
Q6: You've been drinking heavily at a party
and can barely stand up. You've made a fool of yourself in front of everyone.
You are totally:
Q7: Which one of these things would you
never find at a kosher restaurant?
b) lokshen kugel
d) kasha varnishkes
Q8: Of these various uses of "kishkes",
which one is incorrect?
a) "Yes, waiter. I'll have the roast chicken with a side order of kishkes."
b) "That Sadie, she's such a piece of kishke!"
c) "After 10 years of keeping secrets, he went to a shrink and spilled my kishkes."
d) "If anyone tried to attack me, I'd give him such a potch in the kishkes!"
Answers to the Yiddish test:
go to the one hundred and second set of Jewish jokes
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