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This is the one hundreth set of Jewish jokes





(#1880) Saychel versus a biker
A biker stops at a garage in a small Kent village to see whether they can quickly repair a problem heís having with his bike. When he learns that they wonít be able to fix it for a few hours, he tells them that he lives nearby and heíll pick it up later in the afternoon. On his walk home he stops by the farm shop and buys a goose and two chickens. He then goes into the hardware store and buys a bucket and an anvil. As he leaves the store, struggling with his purchases, he sees 65 year old Becky wandering around in a daze and crying.
"Whatís the matter lady?" he asks.
Becky looks up and sees this handsome tattooed hunk of a man smiling at her in a friendly way. She immediately stops crying. "Iím lost," replies Becky, quickly composing herself. "Iíve only just moved into this village and today, for the first time, Iíve walked here to do some shopping. But I canít remember how to get back to my house and I donít know what to do."
"Where do you live?" he asks.
"179 Bush Avenue," replies Becky.
The biker says, "Youíre in luck lady. As I live quite near Bush Avenue, Iíll be glad to escort you to your new home. But I wonít be able to walk very fast as Iím having difficulty holding my shopping, as you can see."
"So why donít you put the anvil inside the bucket, carry the goose in your left hand, carry the bucket plus anvil in your right hand, and hold one of the chickens under each arm?" suggests Becky.
"Thatís a good idea, lady, thank you," he says, doing as she suggested. Then he starts to escort Becky home. Becky canít believe that she is being accompanied by such a good looking man.
But only a few minutes into their walk, he suddenly says to her, "Letís take a short cut down this alley, lady. It will save 5 minutes of our time."
On hearing this, Becky says, "Hold on a minute. Iím a lonely widow with no husband to help defend me. How do I know that when weíre in the alley you wonít grab me, hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The biker laughs out loud. "Jesus, lady, Iím carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How on earth do you think I could hold you up against the wall and do that to you?"
Becky quickly replies, "So put the goose on the ground, place the bucket over him and put the anvil on top of the bucket. Iíll hold the two chickens."

(#1881) I suppose not
Miriam is an accountant and hasnít been able to find the time to look for a husband. So her parents arrange for Morris the shadchen to find their daughter a nice husband. A few days later, Morris tells Miriam that he has found the perfect match for her. "Howard comes from a really fine family," Morris tells her. "Heís a lovely man, well educated and most importantly, heís wealthy."
Miriam quickly agrees to go out to tea with him.
On her return, she briefs Morris on her findings. "Howard was friendly and relaxed with me," she says, "and as you say, heís very educated and knew a lot about everything. But heís far from the handsome man Iím looking for. In fact Howard is, how can I put it, a meeskeit and Iím afraid heís therefore a Ďno goí as far as Iím concerned."
Unwilling to loose business without putting up a fight, Morris says, "Hold on a minute, Miriam, I donít want you to make a hasty decision that you might later regret. Iíve seen Howard and I agree with you that although he is ugly, thank God heís not a klutz, nor a vilde mensh, nor a nebbish. Nor is he a grober, or a pisher, or a dumkop. These are all points in Howardís favour. And there are other important aspects to this man that you must consider."
"OK," replies Miriam, "so what are these other aspects?"
"While youíre at work all day balancing you clientsí profit and loss accounts, will you be looking at Howard?" Morris asks.
"No, I suppose not," replies Miriam.
"And when you come home after work," asks Morris, "will you be looking at Howard while you prepare the evening meal and then while you both eat?"
"No, I suppose not," replies Miriam.
"And when you go to bed at night," asks Morris, "will you be looking at Howard in the dark?"
"No, I suppose not," replies Miriam.
"And will you be looking at Howard whilst youíre asleep?" asks Morris.
"No, I suppose not," replies Miriam.
"And during weekends, when you have children - and please God may you be blessed with many - would you spend your time at home looking at Howard instead of taking your children on outings?" asks Morris.
"No, I suppose not," replies Miriam.
"Well then," says Morris, itís clear to me that marrying such a mensh wonít be as much of a hardship as you think it will be. Youíll hardly be looking at him and thereís no reason not to marry him. Shall I make the arrangements now?"

meeskeit: an ugly person, so ugly that it hurts the eyes
klutz: a clumsy person, graceless
vilde mensh: wild person, deranged
nebbish: a nobody, inept
grober: coarse, vulgar, uncouth person
pisher: inexperienced, wet behind the ears, also a bed wetter
dumkop: a dumbbell
mensh: man of fine qualities, a real man

(#1882) When I grow up, I want to be Ö..
Ruth takes one look inside her 10 year old son Danielís bedroom and immediately goes downstairs to confront him. "Daniel," she says to him, "I thought you told me that you had thoroughly cleaned your room. Iíve just taken a look at it and itís still a big mess. What have you got to say about it?"
"I really donít know why youíre making such a fuss, mum," Daniel replies. "After all, I never actually told you my room was clean."
"Oh but you did, Daniel," says Ruth.
"No, mum, youíre wrong there," says Daniel. "What I actually told you at 5.10pm this afternoon was, ĎOK mum, Iím done with the cleaning of my roomí."
Ruth canít help but smile. "OK smarty pants," she says, "I should have remembered that you want to be a lawyer when you grow up. Youíre obviously going to make a brilliant lawyer."

(#1883) Not one of the brightest
[My thanks to Hilary for the following]
Benjy, Victor and Morris meet up after work and go to Minkyís Wine Bar, their favourite venue. Thirty minutes after sitting down, Benjy suddenly announces, "Apologies, guys, but I have to leave early tonight to prepare for an important presentation Iím giving at work tomorrow. But do carry on without me."
"We will, donít worry," the other two reply, smiling.
Benjy gets up from their table and leaves. But 10 minutes later, Victor notices that Benjy has left his mobile phone on his chair.
"What do you think we should do about Benjyís phone, Morris?" asks Victor.
"I think the best thing to do," replies Morris, "is to ring Benjyís mum now and tell her that we have his phone and weíll hand it to him tomorrow at work."
"Good idea," says Victor, as he starts to scroll through the phoneís saved numbers. When he finds an entry labelled, "MUMMY," Victor makes the call.
"Hello Mrs Levy," says Victor, "could you tell Benjy that he left his phone at Minkyís tonight and Iíll bring it into work for him tomorrow."
"Don't worry," says Mrs Levy, "I'll take care of it right away. Thanks for letting me know."
A few minutes later, Benjyís mobile phone rings and Victor answers it.
It was Mrs Levy but before he could say anything, she says, "Benjy, darling, youíve been a careless boy tonight - you left your mobile phone at Minkyís!"

(#1884) Beauty is in the eye of the beholder
[My thanks to BMS for the following]
One day, Isaac and Ruth are doing some shopping in Waitrose supermarket. As they pass the beers, wines and spirit section, Isaac picks up a pack of a dozen bottles of Maccabi Beer and puts it in their trolley.
"Why do you need so much beer?" asks Ruth.
"Because they are on a special offer of only £6.00 for 12 bottles," replies Isaac.
"Please put them back Isaac," says Ruth. "We canít afford them Ė weíre in a credit crunch, donít forget."
Soon after, they are passing the cosmetics section and Ruth picks up a jar of face cream and puts it in their trolley.
"Why do you need another jar of face cream?" asks Isaac.
"Because itís on a special offer of only £9 instead of its regular price of £12," replies Ruth. "Itís my usual brand and this face cream makes me look beautiful."
"But to me a dozen bottles of Maccabi Beer also make you look beautiful, and the beer is cheaper!"
STOP PRESS: Readers will be pleased to learn that Isaacís black eye is at last beginning to fade.

(#1885) Iím going to a concert
"Tonight, Sidney," says Arnold to his friend, "Iím going to a classical concert."
"So nu," says Sidney, "what are you going to hear?"
"The Goldberg Variations," replies Arnold.
"But I thought the Goldberg Variations were something Mr and Mrs Goldberg performed on their wedding night," says Sidney.
"Oy vay, Sidney," says Arnold, "youíre such a shmuck!"

From Wikipedia: The Goldberg Variations, BWV 988, are a set of 30 variations for harpsichord by Johann Sebastian Bach. First published in 1741 as the fourth in a series Bach called Clavier-Übung, "keyboard practice", the work is considered to be one of the most important examples of variation form. It is named after Johann Gottlieb Goldberg, who may have been the first performer.

(#1886) Hard Times
Although itís hard times in the furniture world, Nathan takes his 5 year old son Sam to his store. When they arrive, and before going in, Nathan looks up at the sign above his store which says: -
NATHANíS WORLD OF FURNITURE
and sighs loudly.
Then he looks at the big notice in the storeís front window, written in red: -
NATHANíS BIG SELL-OUT
END-OF-MY-BUSINESS SALE
GOING BROKE AND MY BANK SAYS IT WONíT LEND ME ANY MORE GELT
Then Nathan lovingly pats Sam on the head, turns to face his store, spreads his arms out wide and says, "One day, Sam, all this will be yours."

(#1887) The clever Rabbi
Hymie loves his dog Cindy very much. One night, as he and his wife Betty are having a late night drink, Betty says to him, "Hymie, Iíve been meaning to tell you something for some time."
"So tell me already," says Hymie.
"I think you spend too much time talking to Cindy," Betty replies. "She canít possibly understand you and she certainly canít understand the Yiddish expressions you use."
"But she can," says Hymie, "sheís a Jewish dog!"
Betty laughs out loud. "Donít be silly," she says, "of course Cindyís not Jewish. Dogs canít be Jewish!"
Next day, Hymie takes Cindy with him to see his rabbi.
"So Hymie," says Rabbi Gold, "how are you keeping these days and how can I help you?"
"Iím fine thank you rabbi," replies Hymie. "Iím here to ask you whether my dog Cindy could be a Jewish dog. After all, Betty is Jewish, my two sons Paul and David are Jewish, and my lovely daughter Rachel is Jewish. But how can I tell if Cindy is Jewish?"
"Thatís a good question, Hymie," replies Rabbi Gold, picking up his phone. "Iím going to ask my assistant Maurice Katz to join us. He might be able to help us.
But when Maurice comes into the Rabbiís office, Cindy goes wild and chases after Maurice, barking loudly.
"Well Hymie," says Rabbi Gold, "thatís proof enough for me. Cindy is indeed a Jewish dog."
"But how did you arrive at that conclusion so quickly?" asks Hymie, smiling happily.
"Because she just chased Katz," replies Rabbi Gold.

(#1888) Important merger announcement
Have you heard the news that Poundstretcher and Marks & Spencer are planning to merge into one new company called Stretch Marks?

(#1889) Riddle
Q: Why donít you ever see people making love on the pavements in Tel Aviv?
A: Because if they did, passers by would point out to them what they were doing wrong.

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