I often hear or read of someone saying: -
The dating part of awordinyoureye.com
DATING (KOSHER HUMOUR)
TEST NUMBER 1
For single couples only. Married couples take this test at their peril!
So humour must be an important characteristic and I can think of an example as to why. What if a couple are watching a show or a film or a comedian, or see some slap-stick, or are listening to someone telling a joke? What if one is laughing out loud whilst the other just has a bemused expression on their face? You’ve probably seen this happen. So how compatible can they be? Well, probably not in the humour sense.
Why not take this test to see how compatible you are in “kosher humour”? You can come to your own conclusion on compatibility when you see the results.
Following are 15 jokes taken from awordinyoureye. Each joke has a reference code. Each of you should SEPARATELY read the 15 jokes and then decide which 5 you liked the best, or laughed at loudest, or smiled at widest, or most tickled your fancy. Each of you should write down the codes of your own favourite 5 jokes on a piece of paper. Alternatively, you could print this page and write the scores in the table.
Then, when both of you have done this, you can compare your selections as follows: -
KOSHER HUMOUR COMPATIBILITY QUOTIENT
5 the same - WOW! great kosher jokes compatibility (or you’re cheats)
4 the same - very good kosher jokes compatibility
3 the same - good kosher jokes compatibility
2 the same - some kosher jokes compatibility
1 the same - there is still some hope for you both
0 the same - oh dear!
Look out for other Kosher Humour Dating Tests which will be posted on the awordinyoureye website from time to time. Maybe taking several tests over time will work in your favour.
Awordinyoureye health warning: Please don’t jump to any meaningful conclusion as a result of taking this test. I’ve no idea what a ‘kosher humour’ mismatch’ means to a couple’s overall compatibility rating - very likely nothing at all. This is just a fun test for you to hopefully enjoy and has no scientific basis – at least I don’t think it has. At least after taking this test, you will both know a few more jokes to tell.
TEST NUMBER 1
|DKH1/1/1- The dream||
Moshe was taking to his psychiatrist. "I had a weird dream recently," he says. "I saw my mother but then I noticed she had your face. I found this so worrying that I immediately woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. I just stayed in bed thinking about my dream until 7am. I got up, made myself a slice of toast and some coffee and came straight here. Can you please help me explain the meaning of my dream?"
The psychiatrist kept silent for some time, then said, "One slice of toast and some coffee? Do you call that a breakfast?"
|DKH1/2/6 - Kol Nidre night||
Sidney telephones Rabbi Levy. He says, "Rabbi, I know tonight is Kol Nidre night, but tonight Spurs are in the European Cup quarter finals. Rabbi, I'm a life long Spurs fan. I've got to watch the Spurs game on TV."
Rabbi Levy replies, "Sidney, that's what video recorders are for."
Sidney is surprised. "You mean I can tape Kol Nidre?"
|DKH1/3/7 - Come and get me||
Isaac and Sarah got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, Sarah immediately telephoned her mother Leah.
"Well," said Leah, "how was the honeymoon, darling?"
"Oh mum," Sarah replied, "the honeymoon was fantastic. It was so romantic and"
Then Sarah started to cry. "Oh mum, as soon as we got back, Isaac started using terrible language. He said things I'd never hoped to hear, all those 4-letter words. Please mum, get into your car now and come and take me home."
"Calm down, darling," said Leah, "tell your mother what could be that awful. Don't be shy, tell me what 4-letter words Isaac used."
"Please mum, I'm too embarrassed to tell you, they're terrible words. Just come and take me away." said Sarah.
"But bubeleh, you must tell me, you must tell me what the 4-letter words were."
Still crying, Sarah replies, "Oh mum, he used words like WASH, COOK, IRON, DUST, ..."
|DKH1/4/10 - The convert||
Martin Lewis converts and becomes a priest. He gives his first Mass in front of a number of high ranking priests who came for the occasion. At the end of the new priest's sermon, a cardinal goes up to congratulate him. "Pastor Lewis," he said, "That was very well done, you were just perfect. But next time, please don't start your sermon with, "Fellow Goyim..."
|DKH1/5/14 - The engagement||
Ruth and Golda were walking along Hendon High Street.
Ruth says, "My son Irving is getting married. He tells me he is engaged to a wonderful girl, but he thinks she may have a disease called herpes."
Golda says, "Do you have any idea what this herpes is, and can he catch it?"
Ruth replies, "No, but I am just so thrilled to hear about Irving's engagement - it's time he settled down. As far as the herpes goes...who knows?"
"Well," says Golda, "I have a very good medical dictionary at home. I'll look it up and call you."
So Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth. "Ruth, I found it. Not to worry. It says herpes is a disease of the gentiles."
|DKH1/6/19 - The Jewish Mothers||
Three Jewish mothers are sitting on a bench in Brent Cross shopping centre talking about (what else?) how much their sons love them.
Sadie says, "You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves his mother."
Minnie says, "You call that love? You know the Mercedes I just got for Mother's Day? That's from my son Bernie. What a doll."
Shirley says, "That's nothing. You know my son Stanley? He's in analysis with a psychoanalyst in Harley Street. Five sessions a week. And what does he talk about? Me."
|DKH1/7/22 - The last meal||
Fabritzi, Jacques, and Abe are about to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.
Fabritzi asks for a Pepperoni Pizza, which he is served. He is then executed.
Jacques asks for a Filet Mignon, which he is served. He too is then executed.
Abe requests a plate of strawberries.
"Yes," replies Abe, "strawberries."
"But they are out of season."
"So, nu, I'll wait . . . ."
|DKH1/8/25 - The car driver||
Cyril was driving down Hendon Road when he gets pulled over by a policeman.
Walking up to Cyril's car, the policeman says, "I've come to tell you that your wife fell out your car some 2 miles back."
Cyril replies, "Thank goodness, I thought I'd gone deaf."
|DKH1/9/26 - Jews In China?||
Yitzhak and Moshe were eating in a Chinese restaurant in London.
"Yitzhak," asked Moshe, "Are there any Jews in China?"
"I don't know," Yitzhak replied. "Why don't you ask the waiter? I'd be surprised if there were no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter came by, Moshe asked, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and went back to the kitchen.
The waiter returned a few minutes later and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Moshe asked.
"I ask everyone," the waiter replied. "We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese Jews!"
|DKH1/10/29 - The secretary||
Sadly, slowly, Michael Cohen entered the synagogue. He trudged into the secretary’s office and sighed, "Shmulik, I’m here."
He sat down. "I have to make arrangements for my wife’s burial. "
"Cohen!" exclaimed Shmulik. "Don’t you remember?" We buried your darling wife two years ago."
Michael nodded. "I remember, I remember. That was my first wife. I’m here about my second."
"Second wife? Mazeltov! I didn’t know you remarried."
|DKH1/11/30 - Rabbi’s advice||
Moishe goes to see his Rabbi and says, "I need your advice. My wife just gave birth to a girl."
"Thank you. Can we name the baby after a relative?"
"According to Jewish custom, you can name a baby after a departed father, mother, brother …"
"But they are all still alive," says Moishe.
"Oh, I’m terribly sorry to hear that," said the Rabbi.
|DKH1/12/32 - The widow||
Becky's husband dies. It was not until sometime after that Becky was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"Sidney thought of everything," she told some friends. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside and handed me 3 envelopes. ‘Becky’, he said, ‘I have put all my last wishes in these 3 envelopes. After I am gone, open them in sequence and do exactly as I have written. Only then can I rest in peace.’"
"What was in the 1st envelope?" her friends asked.
"It contained £5,000 with a note, ‘Please use this money to buy me a nice coffin’. So I bought a beautiful mahogany coffin for him."
"The 2nd envelope contained £10,000 with a note, ‘Please use this for a nice funeral’. I made Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favourite foods for the shiva, including some fine malt whisky."
"And the 3rd envelope?" asked her friends.
"The 3rd envelope contained £25,000 with a note, ‘Please use this to buy a nice stone’. So I did."
Becky then held up her hand and pointed to her 5 carat diamond ring.
"So," said Becky, "You like my stone?"
|DKH1/13/34 - Near to death||
Leah had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Yet Tony, her husband, had stayed by her bedside every single day. One day, when Leah came to, she motioned for Tony to come nearer. As he sat by her, she whispered, eyes full of tears,
"You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times...
When I got fired from my secretary’s job, you were there to support me.
When my first hairdressing business failed, you were there.
When I got knocked down by a car, you were by my side.
When we lost our dear Jonathan, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what?"
"What dear?" Tony gently asked, smiling as his heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
|DKH1/14/35 - Garden of Eden||
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.
"Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a Man for you."
"What's a Man, Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be very competitive. All in all, he'll give you a hard time, but, he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow, "but what's the catch, Lord?"
"Well... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first... Just remember, it's our little secret---you know, Woman to Woman."
|DKH1/15/36 - Visit to the dentist||
One day, Betty goes to her dentist and asks him how much it will cost to extract a wisdom tooth.
"Eighty pounds," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," Betty says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if I don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to £60."
"That's still too expensive," Betty says.
"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anaesthesia and simply rip the tooth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging you only £20."
"No," moans Betty, "it's still too much."
"Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it without anaesthetic and use a pair of old pliers - just for the experience, you understand, I suppose I could charge you just £10."
"Marvellous," says Betty, "book my husband Moishe for next Tuesday!"
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