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This is the third set of CHILDREN'S
(#C041) Leah on holiday
Little Leah is on holiday. One day, she goes to the beach with her mummy and daddy. "Mummy," says Leah, "I think the sea is very friendly."
"Why do you say that, Leah?" says her mummy.
"Because," replies Leah, "it waved."
(#C042) The educated cow
"Dad," asks Bernie, "where did Morris the cow go last night?"
"I don’t know son, where did he go?" says his dad.
"He went to the movies," replies Bernie.
Q: What did the big shabbes candle say to the little shabbes candle?
A: I’m going out tonight
(#C044) Festival joke-1
Q: Why was the man sneezing on the Post Office Tower so sad?
A: Because it was Atisha above.
(#C045) The 12 months
"Mummy," asks Rachel, "which months have 28 days in them?"
"February," replies her mum.
"No, mummy, don’t be stupid," says Rachel, "all the months have 28 days in them."
(#C046) Did Noah fish?
The Hebrew teacher asks Moshe, "Do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"
"No," replies Moshe, "how could he? He only had two worms."
Q: Do you know a dirty joke?
A: Sam fell in the mud."
(#C048) A whale of a question
"Dad," asks Daniel, "where would you be able to weigh Jonah’s whale?"
"I don’t know, Daniel," says his dad, "do you know where?"
"Yes," replies Daniel, "at a whale-weigh station."
(#C049) Higher power
The Hebrew teacher says to her class, "We have recently been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"
"Aces," says Sarah.
(#C050) Festival joke-2
Q: What did the cockney Jew say about the hard luck of Haiman?
A: Poor 'im.
(#C051) Lot's wife
As the Hebrew teacher is describing to his class how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, little Sam interrupts, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving and she turned into a telephone pole."
(#C052) Festival joke-3
"Mummy," says Sarah, "do you know that road they’ve built over Golders Green?"
"Yes," replies her mum.
"Well," says Sarah, "do you know what name my friends have given it?"
"No, what are they calling it?" asks her mum.
"The Passover," replies Sarah.
(#C053) Moses and the Israelites
Nine year old Isaac is asked by his mother what he has learned in Hebrew school.
"Well mum," says Isaac, "our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and everyone walked across safely. Then, he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent men to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Really Isaac," says his mother, "is that really what your teacher taught you?"
"Not really mum," replies Isaac, "but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe me."
(#C054) Festival joke-4
Q: What did Hannah’s mum say to her when she came home with a new Audi?
A: Han new car?
(#C055) The accident
Emma, Hannah and Melissa walked into a house. You'd think one of them would have been looking.
Q: How do you stop a cockerel crowing on Monday morning?
A: Have him for dinner on Sunday night
Q: Why is the bible red?
A: Because it’s interesting
(#C058) The thieves
Emma, Hannah and Melissa are robbing a greengrocer’s shop when suddenly they hear a security guard coming. So they all jump into 3 nearby sacks.
The security guard kicks the first sack and says, "What's in here?"
Emma says, "Meow."
The security guard goes to the second sack, kicks it and says, "What's in here?"
Hannah says, "Woof woof."
The security guard goes to the last sack, kicks it and says, "What's in here?"
Melissa says, "Potatoes."
Q: Where would you weigh a pie?
A: Somewhere over the rainbow, weigh-a-pie
(#C060) What are you?
One day, two lovely babies are sitting in their carrycots while their mothers are having coffee. All is quiet. Suddenly, one baby says to the other, "Are you a little boy or are you a little girl?"
The other baby says, "I have no idea."
"Why don't you know?" asks the first baby.
"Because I don't know how to tell the difference," says the second baby.
"Well I can tell," says the first baby. "I’ll come over and find out for you."
So the first baby crawls into the second baby’s carrycot and goes under the blankets. A few seconds later, the first baby comes back out.
"You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he says.
"You must be very clever," says the baby girl, "how can you tell?"
"It's easy peasy," replies the baby boy, "you're wearing pink boots and I'm wearing blue boots."
(#C061) A frightening
Abraham is walking home alone late one foggy night when he hears a strange sound coming from behind him. BUMP BUMP BUMP. He starts to walk faster, then he looks behind and through the fog he sees an upright coffin bouncing its way down the middle of the road toward him. BUMP BUMP BUMP. Frightened, he starts to run toward his house, but the coffin continues to bounce after him.
Abraham runs faster, but so does the coffin. BUMP BUMP BUMP. He runs even faster, but so does the coffin. BUMP BUMP BUMP.
When Abraham reaches his house, he runs up to his front door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, and slams and locks the door behind him. But suddenly, the coffin CRASHES through his front door and begins to bounce towards him, with the coffin lid banging up and down all by itself. Clappity – BUMP Clappity – BUMP Clappity – BUMP.
Even more terrified now, Abraham thinks, “who’s in the coffin?” He rushes upstairs to the bathroom as fast as he can and locks himself in. His heart is pounding and his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. But with a loud CRASH, the coffin breaks down the bathroom door. Now it’s bouncing and banging toward him again. Clappity - BUMP Clappity - BUMP Clappity – BUMP.
Abraham screams and reaches for something! Anything! But all he can find is a bottle of cough medicine. Desperate, he throws the cough medicine at the coffin.
AND GUESS WHAT?... the coffin stops.
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