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(#590) And they lived happily ever after
Shlomo and Ruth were celebrating their wedding anniversary. Their long lasting and happy marriage was the talk of the Edgware community. So it was no surprise when a Jewish Chronicle reporter came to see Shlomo to ask him the secret of their successful marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained Shlomo. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon on mules. We hadn't gone very far when Ruth’s mule stumbled. She looked at the mule and quietly said 'That's once.'
"We had only proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more Ruth looked him in the eyes and quietly said, 'That's twice.'
"We hadn't gone more than a half-mile more when the mule stumbled a third time. This time, Ruth promptly removed a revolver from her rucksack and shot the mule dead.
"I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when Ruth looked at me and quietly said, 'That's once'."
(#591) The gift
Jeremy asks his wife Naomi what she wants for their 25th wedding anniversary. "Would you like a new diamond bracelet?" he asks.
"Not really," says Naomi.
"Well how about a Lexus sports car?" says Jeremy.
"No," she replies.
"What about a holiday home in the south of France?" he suggests.
She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks."
"Well what would you like for your anniversary?" Jeremy asks.
"I'd like a divorce, Jeremy," answers Naomi.
"Oy, I wasn't planning to spend that much!" says Jeremy.
(#1531) Ooops - 1
Joshua is mega-rich and is always lavishing expensive presents on his wife, Naomi. But today, Joshua is in big trouble. He has forgotten that it’s their wedding anniversary. Oy Veh!
Naomi looks him in his eyes and says, in a very serious manner, "Tomorrow, Joshua, there had better be something for me outside our garage that goes from 0 to 200 in next to no time at all, or else....."
Naomi gets up early next morning, opens her front door and finds a small package outside the garage. She opens it and finds, of all things, brand new bathroom scales.
The levoyah is on Sunday and Naomi is sitting shivah for the whole week.
(#1139) Anniversary surprise
It’s Henry and Diane’s 25th wedding anniversary and for a surprise, Henry decides to send her some flowers. He even instructs the florist to write on the card: -
"From Henry. Happy Anniversary. Year Number 25"
Diane is thrilled with the flowers, but not so pleased with the card. It reads: -
"From Henry. Happy Anniversary. You're Number 25"
(#282) A look back in anger
Sadie and Maurice Goldberg were celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary with a group of friends at Blooms in Golders Green. But Maurice looked unhappy so his best friend Michael, a solicitor, went over to him.
“What’s the matter, Maurice”, he asked. “Why do you look so sad.”
“Do you remember on my 5th anniversary I asked you what would happen if I murdered Sadie?”
“Yes”, answered Michael, “I said you would get 20 years in jail.”
“Well”, said Maurice, “I would have been a free man tonight!”
(#1276) The anniversary cruise
Bernie and Faye, a wealthy couple, are coming up to their 25th wedding anniversary and Faye has been thinking for some months about how they should celebrate. Then she comes to a decision. "Bernie," she says, "I'm going to book us a wonderful 6 weeks cruise. I know you don't like ships because you got sea sick last time, but trust me, this one will be perfect for us. It’s called ‘Bubbeh of the Sea,’ an intimate seven-star luxury liner with everything kosher we could ever want to eat made available. Let’s give it a go."
Bernie certainly isn't pleased with Faye’s decision, but who is he to argue - he could never win. So he says, "OK dear."
On the day of the cruise, Bernie and Faye drive up to the quay in their Bugatti Veyron 16.4. Captain Cohen is on the bridge as they pass by and calls in the purser. "Find out who they are and invite them to dine at my table tonight."
Later, the purser knocks on the door of the Royal State Room. When Faye answers the door, the purser says, "Compliments of Captain Cohen, madam. He would very much like you both to dine with him this evening."
Bernie comes to the door and says, "Who is it Faye, is there a problem?"
"This man says that Captain Cohen wants us to eat with him this evening," replies Faye.
"I told you we shouldn't have come," says Bernie, "seven-star or no seven-star, we have only been on this boat half-an-hour and already we have to eat with the crew."
(#742) The anniversary wish
Sadie and Benny were both 65 years old and were celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary. When all the family and guests had left their house, a fairy appeared from nowhere and said to them, “Congratulations, you two. I’m here to grant you both one wish each.”
Sadie said, “I want to travel around the world.”
The fairy waved her magic wand and POW – Sadie had tickets in her hand for a round the world cruise on a Cunard liner.
Then the fairy asked Benny what he wanted.
Benny replied. “I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me."
So the fairy picked up her wand and POW – Benny was 95 years old.
(#1463) The anniversary
Max is in WHSmith looking for a suitable wedding anniversary greeting card. He’s been there for over 45 minutes, but he’s not having any luck. An assistant notices Max lingering over one card after another and, being a helpful kind of person, goes over to him to see if she can help. "Is there a problem, sir?" she asks.
"Yes, there is," replies Max, "I can't find one mine Sarah will believe."
(#1545) Endearing terms
It’s Daniel’s second 25th wedding anniversary and to celebrate, their son Aaron invites the close family to an anniversary dinner at his house. During the evening, Aaron gets very emotional every time he hears his dad call his mum by such endearing terms as ‘darling’, ‘petal’, ‘sweetheart’ and ‘my lover.’ It’s clear to Aaron that his parents are still very much in love. While his mother is out the room, Aaron goes over to his father, kisses him and quietly says, "Dad, I’m so pleased for you both. I think it's fantastic that after 25 years you’re still calling mum by those loving pet names."
But Daniel, looking very embarrassed, says, "Things are not always what they seem to be, son. I must tell you the truth - I forgot your mother’s name about 5 years ago."
It was Hetty and Benjy’s 25th wedding anniversary. Hetty says, "Do you remember when you proposed to me, Benjy? I was so overwhelmed and taken aback that I couldn’t talk for an hour."
Benjy replies, "Yes, of course I do, Hetty. How could I ever forget? It was the happiest hour of my life."
(#1055) Who knows?
Sarah and Issy are out celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary. During the evening, Sarah broaches the subject of life insurance (his) – an issue she has been raising with him for at least 10 years, without success.
"Issy," she says, with tears in her eyes, "I don’t think you love me."
"Why do you think that?" he asks.
"Because if you really love me, you would ensure that if anything happened to you, God forbid, I would be properly provided for."
"Sarah," he says angrily, "I need life insurance like I need a hole in the head."
"I know your views," says Sarah, "but I’ve spoken to two of my friends recently and they tell me that their husbands have life insurance - and they’re not as rich as you. If it’s good enough for them, why isn’t it good enough for you?"
"I’ll tell you why," replies Issy, "it’s because they’ve been paying high premiums month after month and what have they got so far in return? Nothing, gornisht."
"So what if their husbands have been paying for nothing?" says Sarah, "You’ve always told me I’m luckier than my friends – who knows, maybe this time I’ll strike it rich."
Morris and Becky were chatting one evening. Morris says, "Becky, it’s our 25th wedding anniversary soon, so tell me, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Becky hesitated for a moment, then said, "Yes, darling, 3 times."
"3 times? How did this happen?" Morris asks her.
"Well, Morris, You remember you lost your job a year after we got married and we had no money and we thought we might have to sell our house? Do you also remember that I went to see the bank manager to ask for an overdraft? Well, we got our overdraft and that’s when it happened."
"It’s hard to accept," Morris said, "but as you did this for us, I can forgive you."
Becky continued, "And you remember years later when you almost died from your heart problem because we couldn't afford the operation? Remember that immediately after I went to see the surgeon at his house, he did your operation for nothing? Well, that’s when it happened."
"Yes," Morris said, "that shocks me too, but as you did it because you loved me, I forgive you. But tell me, Becky, what was the third time?"
Becky responded, "Do you remember, Morris, when you were trying to get elected as the synagogue Chairman... and you needed just 12 more votes?"
(#726) The request
One day, Moishe goes up to his boss and says, rather timidly, “Mr Gold, is it OK if I take tomorrow off? It’s my 25th wedding anniversary.”
“What a chutzpah you have,” replied Mr Gold, “Is this what I have to put up with from you every 25 years?”
(#1611) The celebratory Chinese meal
Yitzhak and Hannah decide to eat out to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary and after some deliberation, they choose the KOSHER MOSHE Chinese restaurant. When they arrive, they discuss the menu with the waiter and agree to share the chef's special ‘Chicken Surprise.’ After a short wait, the waiter brings over their meal, which is served inside a lidded cast iron pot, and departs without removing the lid.
Hannah is ready to start eating but before she can reach over to the pot, the lid suddenly rises by 1cm all by itself. Hannah looks closely at the pot and briefly sees two beady little eyes looking at her. Then the lid slams back down again.
Hannah is worried. "Did you see that?" she asks Yitzhak.
"No, darling, I didn’t," replies Yitzhak.
"So look in the pot already," she tells Yitzhak.
As he reaches for the lid, it again rises up by 1cm all by itself. Yitzhak looks closely and sees two beady little eyes looking at him. Then the lid firmly slams back down again.
Hannah starts to panic and shouts at Yitzhak, "Call the manager over, CALL THE MANAGER OVER."
So Yitzhak gets the manager and they tell him what they saw and demand an explanation.
"Well sir, I think I can explain," says the manager. "What did you order?"
"We both chose the same," Yitzhak replies, "the Chicken Surprise."
"Oh I do apologize," says the manager, "the waiter brought you the ‘Peking Duck' by mistake."
(#534) Vive la difference
Maurice and Hetty were approaching their Golden wedding anniversary. One summer evening, as they were taking a slow walk in their local park, Hetty suddenly takes her walking stick and hits Maurice hard across his back with it.
"What on earth did you do that for? It really hurts." he shouts at her.
Hetty replies, "That's for 50 years of poor sex."
Maurice thinks for a while and then takes his walking stick and hits Hetty hard across her tuchus with it.
"Ouch," she screams. "What was that for?"
Maurice looks at her and replies, "That's for knowing the difference."
(#613) Shlomo and Rifka
Shlomo and Rifka had now been married for 50 years and that night, after the celebrations were over, they were in bed and in a pretty romantic mood.
Rifka looked at Shlomo and said, "I remember when you used to kiss me every chance you had."
Shlomo felt a bit obliged, so he leaned over and gave her a gentle peck on the cheek.
Then Rifka said, "I also remember, Shlomo, when you used to hold my hand at every opportunity."
Again feeling obliged, Shlomo gently placed his hand on hers.
Then Rifka said, "I also remember, Shlomo, when you used to nibble on my neck and sent chills up and down my spine. It was lovely."
This time, with a blank stare on his face, Shlomo got out of the bed and as he began to walk out of the bedroom, Rifka asked him, "Was it something I said, Shlomo, where are you going?"
Shlomo looked at Rifka and replied, "I'm going to the bathroom to get my teeth!"
INTRODUCTION + BITS AND PIECES
I suppose you are all wondering why I called you all here tonight.
Before I begin, I want you all to know
that Vicky has instructed me: -
not to be witty;
not to be humorous;
and not to be intellectual.
In fact she said, “Just be yourself”.
Vicky has also asked me to check that my
instructions on how to get here were accurate and that everyone has managed
to find their way here tonight……so if I could just check by asking, “All
those not yet here, please raise your left hand”. Thank
I can’t tell you how good it feels to be standing here now on this special occasion. I’m so glad I cancelled that dental appointment to be here.
My wife told me not to talk about football, or in-jokes, or sex. She said “just talk about what a fantastic guy dad is.” So, in conclusion…….
I’m not here to make a fool of dad. He’ll do that himself, a little later on.
Perhaps only a few times in each of our lifetimes do we get a chance to say some nice things to a man of intelligence, wit and wisdom. Unfortunately, tonight is not one of those times.
What can you say about a man who came from humble beginnings and is now quickly rising to the very top of his profession based solely on intelligence, grit and the willpower to push on where others might fail? A man who is beginning to distinguish himself amongst his peers and where none can say a bad word against him? Well, that’s enough about me. I’m here to talk about dad.
Dad, a legend in his own mind. He claims to be a self made man. I think it’s damn nice of him to take the blame.
I can honestly say that in all the years I’ve known him, no one has ever questioned dad’s intelligence. In fact, I’ve never heard anyone even mention it.
When dad left school, he took an aptitude test. Afterwards, the examiner told him, “You will have a splendid future working for any Company where a close relative or friend holds a senior management position.
Dad’s very classy. When we had an evening of music and drink in his house recently, I asked whether he had any Rachmaninoff. Gary replied he didn’t have any vodka, only beer.
Dad says, “Don’t call me uncultured. I go to operas, concerts, ballet – all that crap.”
When he left school, dad wanted to be a stockbroker. Dad’s definition of a stockbroker is someone who invests your money and keeps on investing your money until there’s nothing left to invest.
Dad’s currently learning Japanese using a tape machine playing under his pillow every night. He can now speak Japanese quite well, but only when he’s sleeping.
Watching dad at work is sort of like the piano player in a brothel. He’s near the action but he doesn’t get totally involved.
I went out to dinner with dad once and he ordered our meals in French. I was most impressed. But you should have seen the look on the Chinese waiter’s face!
If tonight you haven’t yet heard a good word about dad, it’s only because we haven’t let him speak yet.
Occasionally, though, dad’s had a few absolutely brilliant flashes of total silence.
Just wait until dad gets up here. He’ll have you open mouthed with his stories. You won’t be able to stop yawning.
Dad, when all is said and done, you’ve said a whole lot more than you’ve done.
Dad always remembers the advice his grandfather gave him. “Before you fall in love with a pair of bright eyes, make sure it isn’t just the sun shining through the back of her head.”
Dad first met Vicky in 1987. That was her room number.
When Vicky and dad decided it was time to get married, Vicky said to dad, “You know, a lot of men are going to be miserable when I get married.” Dad said, “Really, how many are you going to marry?”
In his youth, Dad loved wine, women and song. He can still sing.
Dad is a man who combines the wisdom of youth with the energy of old age.
Dad likes being 60. A young woman referred to him as a sexagenarian and he figures at this stage of his life, that’s the closest he’ll get to flattery.
Dad didn’t quite make it as a financial director. He used to look at a balance sheet and if the total assets and total liabilities were exactly the same, he would figure everything must be OK.
I don’t care what dad says about his conquests. On his wedding night he was a virgin. I understand that when Vicky touched him, he turned his head and coughed.
When dad was once in Hong Kong, he bought a suit and inside the pocket he found a note written on the inspector’s tag. The note began, “Dear most honoured customer..” and asked him to send a photo of himself to a certain address. Dad thought that was nice, so he did it. A month later, he got a letter from a Hong Kong tailor that read like this, “Thank you for your photo. I have been making these cheap looking suits for many years now and I always wondered what kind of slob would wear one.”
At his last medical, dad’s doctor said to him, “This is a personal question, but at your time of life it’s important to know. Do you and Vicky have any trouble with mutual satisfaction?” Dad replied, “No sale, doctor, we’re staying with the Prudential.”
There are 3 ways to handle Dad. Unfortunately, none of us know what they are.
I recently asked dad what he had done with all the money he had earned. Dad replied, “I spent quite a bit on women, drink, gambling, and the rest I spent foolishly.”
Dad is a hard boss. He recently introduced a flexible hours programme for his staff. They can come in any time they want before 7am and leave whenever they please after 6pm.
Not many of you know that dad’s written his memoirs. They were purchased by Waddingtons and will be released soon as a game.
Here’s another secret dad didn’t want me to tell you. He will have an entry in WHO’S THROUGH 2003
In terms of long marriages, you’re both good role models. You’ve avoided what happened to one married couple we know. They told us that the first part of their marriage was very happy. But then, on the way back from the chupa……
That’s all folks. My speech is over other
than to give you this definition of marriage: -
“Marriage is when a woman asks a man to remove his pyjamas …. because she wants to put them into the washing machine”
SOME NAUGHTIER JOKES
Jonathan and Talia are celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary. In all those 25 years, every time they’ve make love, Jonathan has insisted they do it with the light off. Talia thinks it’s all to do with his not wanting to be seen naked. But today, on their anniversary, she decides to try to rid him of his embarrassment - she really believes that she can cure him of his habit. That night, while they’re having a great shtup, Talia suddenly turns on the bedside lamp and sees Jonathan with a vibrator in his hand - a soft penis shaped one, but much larger than the real thing. She is shocked and very, very angry.
"You impotent momzer," she screams at him, "how could you have lied to me all these years? You’d better explain or you won’t see me again."
Jonathan looks at her and calmly says, "OK. I'll explain the vibrator ….you explain our children."
Even though it was Issy and Yetta’s 40th wedding anniversary, they still had their inevitable, regular quarrel. Only this time, it was more serious than ever before.
Issy shouted, "When you die, Yetta, I'm going to get you a headstone which says, 'Here Lies Yetta - Cold As Ever.'"
"Oh yes?" she replied, "When you die, Issy, I'm going to get you a headstone which says, 'Here Lies Issy - Stiff At Last.'"
Issy and Sadie are celebrating their wedding anniversary in a small country pub. Issy leans over and says, "Do you remember, Sadie, the first time we made love together over fifty years ago? We went behind this pub where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."
"Oh yes," Sadie replies, "I remember it very well."
"So how about you and I taking a stroll round the back and doing it again for old times sake?" says Issy.
"Oooooooh Issy, that sounds like a good idea," she answers and off they go.
On the next table, Sam has heard this and says to himself, "I've got to see this - two elderly people making love against a fence." So he follows them.
Issy and Sadie walk along together, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. When they get to the fence, Sadie turns around and as she hangs onto the fence, Issy moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into action. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for ages with Sadie yelling, "Ohhhh God," and Issy hanging on to her for dear life. Finally, they both collapse onto the ground.
When they recover, Issy and Sadie struggle to their feet. Sam, still watching, thinks, "That was truly amazing, I must ask them what their secret is."
As Issy and Sadie make their way back past him, Sam says, "That was something else, you must have been making love for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"
"No, there's no secret" Issy replies, "Fifty years ago that fence wasn't electrified."
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