(#590) And they lived happily ever after
Shlomo and Ruth were celebrating their
wedding anniversary. Their long lasting and happy marriage was the talk
of the Edgware community. So it was no surprise when a Jewish Chronicle
reporter came to see Shlomo to ask him the secret of their successful marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,"
explained Shlomo. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to
the bottom of the canyon on mules. We hadn't gone very far when Ruth’s
mule stumbled. She looked at the mule and quietly said 'That's once.'
"We had only proceeded a little farther
when the mule stumbled again. Once more Ruth looked him in the eyes and
quietly said, 'That's twice.'
"We hadn't gone more than a half-mile
more when the mule stumbled a third time. This time, Ruth promptly removed
a revolver from her rucksack and shot the mule dead.
"I started to protest over her treatment
of the mule when Ruth looked at me and quietly said, 'That's once'."
(#591) The gift
Jeremy asks his wife Naomi what she wants
for their 25th wedding anniversary. "Would you like a new diamond bracelet?"
he asks.
"Not really," says Naomi.
"Well how about a Lexus sports car?" says
Jeremy.
"No," she replies.
"What about a holiday home in the south
of France?" he suggests.
She again rejects his offer with a "No
thanks."
"Well what would you like for your anniversary?"
Jeremy asks.
"I'd like a divorce, Jeremy," answers
Naomi.
"Oy, I wasn't planning to spend that much!"
says Jeremy.
(#1531) Ooops - 1
Joshua is mega-rich and is always lavishing
expensive presents on his wife, Naomi. But today, Joshua is in big trouble.
He has forgotten that it’s their wedding anniversary. Oy Veh!
Naomi looks him in his eyes and says,
in a very serious manner, "Tomorrow, Joshua, there had better be something
for me outside our garage that goes from 0 to 200 in next to no time at
all, or else....."
Naomi gets up early next morning, opens
her front door and finds a small package outside the garage. She opens
it and finds, of all things, brand new bathroom scales.
The levoyah is on Sunday and Naomi is
sitting shivah for the whole week.
(#1139) Anniversary surprise
It’s Henry and Diane’s 25th wedding anniversary
and for a surprise, Henry decides to send her some flowers. He even instructs
the florist to write on the card: -
"From Henry. Happy Anniversary. Year Number
25"
Diane is thrilled with the flowers, but
not so pleased with the card. It reads: -
"From Henry. Happy Anniversary. You're
Number 25"
(#282) A look back in anger
Sadie and Maurice Goldberg were celebrating
their 25th wedding anniversary with a group of friends at Blooms in Golders
Green. But Maurice looked unhappy so his best friend Michael, a solicitor,
went over to him.
“What’s the matter, Maurice”, he asked.
“Why do you look so sad.”
“Do you remember on my 5th anniversary
I asked you what would happen if I murdered Sadie?”
“Yes”, answered Michael, “I said you would
get 20 years in jail.”
“Well”, said Maurice, “I would have been
a free man tonight!”
(#1276) The anniversary cruise
Bernie and Faye, a wealthy couple, are
coming up to their 25th wedding anniversary and Faye has been thinking
for some months about how they should celebrate. Then she comes to a decision.
"Bernie," she says, "I'm going to book us a wonderful 6 weeks cruise. I
know you don't like ships because you got sea sick last time, but trust
me, this one will be perfect for us. It’s called ‘Bubbeh of the Sea,’ an
intimate seven-star luxury liner with everything kosher we could ever want
to eat made available. Let’s give it a go."
Bernie certainly isn't pleased with Faye’s
decision, but who is he to argue - he could never win. So he says, "OK
dear."
On the day of the cruise, Bernie and Faye
drive up to the quay in their Bugatti Veyron 16.4. Captain Cohen is on
the bridge as they pass by and calls in the purser. "Find out who they
are and invite them to dine at my table tonight."
Later, the purser knocks on the door of
the Royal State Room. When Faye answers the door, the purser says, "Compliments
of Captain Cohen, madam. He would very much like you both to dine with
him this evening."
Bernie comes to the door and says, "Who
is it Faye, is there a problem?"
"This man says that Captain Cohen wants
us to eat with him this evening," replies Faye.
"I told you we shouldn't have come," says
Bernie, "seven-star or no seven-star, we have only been on this boat half-an-hour
and already we have to eat with the crew."
(#742) The anniversary wish
Sadie and Benny were both 65 years old
and were celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary. When all the family
and guests had left their house, a fairy appeared from nowhere and said
to them, “Congratulations, you two. I’m here to grant you both one wish
each.”
Sadie said, “I want to travel around the
world.”
The fairy waved her magic wand and POW
– Sadie had tickets in her hand for a round the world cruise on a Cunard
liner.
Then the fairy asked Benny what he wanted.
Benny replied. “I wish I had a wife 30
years younger than me."
So the fairy picked up her wand and POW
– Benny was 95 years old.
(#1463) The anniversary
Max is in WHSmith looking for a suitable
wedding anniversary greeting card. He’s been there for over 45 minutes,
but he’s not having any luck. An assistant notices Max lingering over one
card after another and, being a helpful kind of person, goes over to him
to see if she can help. "Is there a problem, sir?" she asks.
"Yes, there is," replies Max, "I can't
find one mine Sarah will believe."
(#1545) Endearing terms
It’s Daniel’s second 25th wedding anniversary
and to celebrate, their son Aaron invites the close family to an anniversary
dinner at his house. During the evening, Aaron gets very emotional every
time he hears his dad call his mum by such endearing terms as ‘darling’,
‘petal’, ‘sweetheart’ and ‘my lover.’ It’s clear to Aaron that his parents
are still very much in love. While his mother is out the room, Aaron goes
over to his father, kisses him and quietly says, "Dad, I’m so pleased for
you both. I think it's fantastic that after 25 years you’re still calling
mum by those loving pet names."
But Daniel, looking very embarrassed,
says, "Things are not always what they seem to be, son. I must tell you
the truth - I forgot your mother’s name about 5 years ago."
(#644) Happiness
It was Hetty and Benjy’s 25th wedding
anniversary. Hetty says, "Do you remember when you proposed to me, Benjy?
I was so overwhelmed and taken aback that I couldn’t talk for an hour."
Benjy replies, "Yes, of course I do, Hetty.
How could I ever forget? It was the happiest hour of my life."
(#1055) Who knows?
Sarah and Issy are out celebrating their
25th wedding anniversary. During the evening, Sarah broaches the subject
of life insurance (his) – an issue she has been raising with him for at
least 10 years, without success.
"Issy," she says, with tears in her eyes,
"I don’t think you love me."
"Why do you think that?" he asks.
"Because if you really love me, you would
ensure that if anything happened to you, God forbid, I would be properly
provided for."
"Sarah," he says angrily, "I need life
insurance like I need a hole in the head."
"I know your views," says Sarah, "but
I’ve spoken to two of my friends recently and they tell me that their husbands
have life insurance - and they’re not as rich as you. If it’s good enough
for them, why isn’t it good enough for you?"
"I’ll tell you why," replies Issy, "it’s
because they’ve been paying high premiums month after month and what have
they got so far in return? Nothing, gornisht."
"So what if their husbands have been paying
for nothing?" says Sarah, "You’ve always told me I’m luckier than my friends
– who knows, maybe this time I’ll strike it rich."
(#480) Confessions
Morris and Becky were chatting one evening.
Morris says, "Becky, it’s our 25th wedding anniversary soon, so tell me,
have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Becky hesitated for a moment, then said,
"Yes, darling, 3 times."
"3 times? How did this happen?" Morris
asks her.
"Well, Morris, You remember you lost your
job a year after we got married and we had no money and we thought we might
have to sell our house? Do you also remember that I went to see the bank
manager to ask for an overdraft? Well, we got our overdraft and that’s
when it happened."
"It’s hard to accept," Morris said, "but
as you did this for us, I can forgive you."
Becky continued, "And you remember years
later when you almost died from your heart problem because we couldn't
afford the operation? Remember that immediately after I went to see the
surgeon at his house, he did your operation for nothing? Well, that’s when
it happened."
"Yes," Morris said, "that shocks me too,
but as you did it because you loved me, I forgive you. But tell me, Becky,
what was the third time?"
Becky responded, "Do you remember, Morris,
when you were trying to get elected as the synagogue Chairman... and you
needed just 12 more votes?"
(#726) The request
One day, Moishe goes up to his boss and
says, rather timidly, “Mr Gold, is it OK if I take tomorrow off? It’s my
25th wedding anniversary.”
“What a chutzpah you have,” replied Mr
Gold, “Is this what I have to put up with from you every 25 years?”
(#1611) The celebratory Chinese meal
Yitzhak and Hannah decide to eat out to
celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary and after some deliberation, they
choose the KOSHER MOSHE Chinese restaurant. When they arrive, they discuss
the menu with the waiter and agree to share the chef's special ‘Chicken
Surprise.’ After a short wait, the waiter brings over their meal,
which is served inside a lidded cast iron pot, and departs without removing
the lid.
Hannah is ready to start eating but before
she can reach over to the pot, the lid suddenly rises by 1cm all by itself.
Hannah looks closely at the pot and briefly sees two beady little eyes
looking at her. Then the lid slams back down again.
Hannah is worried. "Did you see that?"
she asks Yitzhak.
"No, darling, I didn’t," replies Yitzhak.
"So look in the pot already," she tells
Yitzhak.
As he reaches for the lid, it again rises
up by 1cm all by itself. Yitzhak looks closely and sees two beady little
eyes looking at him. Then the lid firmly slams back down again.
Hannah starts to panic and shouts at Yitzhak,
"Call the manager over, CALL THE MANAGER OVER."
So Yitzhak gets the manager and they tell
him what they saw and demand an explanation.
"Well sir, I think I can explain," says
the manager. "What did you order?"
"We both chose the same," Yitzhak replies,
"the Chicken Surprise."
"Oh I do apologize," says the manager,
"the waiter brought you the ‘Peking Duck' by mistake."
(#534) Vive la difference
Maurice and Hetty were approaching their
Golden wedding anniversary. One summer evening, as they were taking a slow
walk in their local park, Hetty suddenly takes her walking stick and hits
Maurice hard across his back with it.
"What on earth did you do that for? It
really hurts." he shouts at her.
Hetty replies, "That's for 50 years of
poor sex."
Maurice thinks for a while and then takes
his walking stick and hits Hetty hard across her tuchus with it.
"Ouch," she screams. "What was that for?"
Maurice looks at her and replies, "That's
for knowing the difference."
(#613) Shlomo and Rifka
Shlomo and Rifka had now been married
for 50 years and that night, after the celebrations were over, they were
in bed and in a pretty romantic mood.
Rifka looked at Shlomo and said, "I remember
when you used to kiss me every chance you had."
Shlomo felt a bit obliged, so he leaned
over and gave her a gentle peck on the cheek.
Then Rifka said, "I also remember, Shlomo,
when you used to hold my hand at every opportunity."
Again feeling obliged, Shlomo gently placed
his hand on hers.
Then Rifka said, "I also remember, Shlomo,
when you used to nibble on my neck and sent chills up and down my spine.
It was lovely."
This time, with a blank stare on his face,
Shlomo got out of the bed and as he began to walk out of the bedroom, Rifka
asked him, "Was it something I said, Shlomo, where are you going?"
Shlomo looked at Rifka and replied, "I'm
going to the bathroom to get my teeth!"
INTRODUCTION + BITS AND PIECES
I suppose you are all wondering why I called you all here tonight.
Before I begin, I want you all to know
that Vicky has instructed me: -
not to be witty;
not to be humorous;
and not to be intellectual.
In fact she said, “Just be yourself”.
Vicky has also asked me to check that my
instructions on how to get here were accurate and that everyone has managed
to find their way here tonight……so if I could just check by asking, “All
those not yet here, please raise your left hand”. Thank
you.
I can’t tell you how good it feels to
be standing here now on this special occasion. I’m so glad
I cancelled that dental appointment to be here.
My wife told me not to talk about football, or in-jokes, or sex. She said “just talk about what a fantastic guy dad is.” So, in conclusion…….
I’m not here to make a fool of dad. He’ll do that himself, a little later on.
Perhaps only a few times in each of our lifetimes do we get a chance to say some nice things to a man of intelligence, wit and wisdom. Unfortunately, tonight is not one of those times.
What can you say about a man who came from humble beginnings and is now quickly rising to the very top of his profession based solely on intelligence, grit and the willpower to push on where others might fail? A man who is beginning to distinguish himself amongst his peers and where none can say a bad word against him? Well, that’s enough about me. I’m here to talk about dad.
Dad, a legend in his own mind. He claims to be a self made man. I think it’s damn nice of him to take the blame.
I can honestly say that in all the years I’ve known him, no one has ever questioned dad’s intelligence. In fact, I’ve never heard anyone even mention it.
When dad left school, he took an aptitude test. Afterwards, the examiner told him, “You will have a splendid future working for any Company where a close relative or friend holds a senior management position.
Dad’s very classy. When we had an evening of music and drink in his house recently, I asked whether he had any Rachmaninoff. Gary replied he didn’t have any vodka, only beer.
Dad says, “Don’t call me uncultured. I go to operas, concerts, ballet – all that crap.”
When he left school, dad wanted to be a stockbroker. Dad’s definition of a stockbroker is someone who invests your money and keeps on investing your money until there’s nothing left to invest.
Dad’s currently learning Japanese using a tape machine playing under his pillow every night. He can now speak Japanese quite well, but only when he’s sleeping.
Watching dad at work is sort of like the piano player in a brothel. He’s near the action but he doesn’t get totally involved.
I went out to dinner with dad once and he ordered our meals in French. I was most impressed. But you should have seen the look on the Chinese waiter’s face!
If tonight you haven’t yet heard a good word about dad, it’s only because we haven’t let him speak yet.
Occasionally, though, dad’s had a few absolutely brilliant flashes of total silence.
Just wait until dad gets up here. He’ll have you open mouthed with his stories. You won’t be able to stop yawning.
Dad, when all is said and done, you’ve said a whole lot more than you’ve done.
Dad always remembers the advice his grandfather gave him. “Before you fall in love with a pair of bright eyes, make sure it isn’t just the sun shining through the back of her head.”
Dad first met Vicky in 1987. That was her room number.
When Vicky and dad decided it was time to get married, Vicky said to dad, “You know, a lot of men are going to be miserable when I get married.” Dad said, “Really, how many are you going to marry?”
In his youth, Dad loved wine, women and song. He can still sing.
Dad is a man who combines the wisdom of youth with the energy of old age.
Dad likes being 60. A young woman referred to him as a sexagenarian and he figures at this stage of his life, that’s the closest he’ll get to flattery.
Dad didn’t quite make it as a financial director. He used to look at a balance sheet and if the total assets and total liabilities were exactly the same, he would figure everything must be OK.
I don’t care what dad says about his conquests. On his wedding night he was a virgin. I understand that when Vicky touched him, he turned his head and coughed.
When dad was once in Hong Kong, he bought a suit and inside the pocket he found a note written on the inspector’s tag. The note began, “Dear most honoured customer..” and asked him to send a photo of himself to a certain address. Dad thought that was nice, so he did it. A month later, he got a letter from a Hong Kong tailor that read like this, “Thank you for your photo. I have been making these cheap looking suits for many years now and I always wondered what kind of slob would wear one.”
At his last medical, dad’s doctor said to him, “This is a personal question, but at your time of life it’s important to know. Do you and Vicky have any trouble with mutual satisfaction?” Dad replied, “No sale, doctor, we’re staying with the Prudential.”
There are 3 ways to handle Dad. Unfortunately, none of us know what they are.
I recently asked dad what he had done with all the money he had earned. Dad replied, “I spent quite a bit on women, drink, gambling, and the rest I spent foolishly.”
Dad is a hard boss. He recently introduced a flexible hours programme for his staff. They can come in any time they want before 7am and leave whenever they please after 6pm.
Not many of you know that dad’s written his memoirs. They were purchased by Waddingtons and will be released soon as a game.
Here’s another secret dad didn’t want me to tell you. He will have an entry in WHO’S THROUGH 2003
In terms of long marriages, you’re both good role models. You’ve avoided what happened to one married couple we know. They told us that the first part of their marriage was very happy. But then, on the way back from the chupa……
That’s all folks. My speech is over other
than to give you this definition of marriage: -
“Marriage is when a woman asks a man to
remove his pyjamas …. because she wants to put them into the
washing machine”
SOME NAUGHTIER JOKES
(XXX#161) The
real thing
Jonathan and Talia
are celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary. In all those 25 years,
every time they’ve make love, Jonathan has insisted they do it with the
light off. Talia thinks it’s all to do with his not wanting to be seen
naked. But today, on their anniversary, she decides to try to rid him of
his embarrassment - she really believes that she can cure him of his habit.
That night, while they’re having a great shtup, Talia suddenly turns on
the bedside lamp and sees Jonathan with a vibrator in his hand - a soft
penis shaped one, but much larger than the real thing. She is shocked and
very, very angry.
"You impotent momzer,"
she screams at him, "how could you have lied to me all these years? You’d
better explain or you won’t see me again."
Jonathan looks at
her and calmly says, "OK. I'll explain the vibrator ….you explain our children."
(XXX#133) Death
wishes
Even though it was
Issy and Yetta’s 40th wedding anniversary, they still had their inevitable,
regular quarrel. Only this time, it was more serious than ever before.
Issy shouted, "When
you die, Yetta, I'm going to get you a headstone which says, 'Here Lies
Yetta - Cold As Ever.'"
"Oh yes?" she replied,
"When you die, Issy, I'm going to get you a headstone which says, 'Here
Lies Issy - Stiff At Last.'"
(XXX#114) Secret
of life?
Issy and Sadie are
celebrating their wedding anniversary in a small country pub. Issy leans
over and says, "Do you remember, Sadie, the first time we made love together
over fifty years ago? We went behind this pub where you leaned against
the fence and I made love to you."
"Oh yes," Sadie
replies, "I remember it very well."
"So how about you
and I taking a stroll round the back and doing it again for old times sake?"
says Issy.
"Oooooooh Issy,
that sounds like a good idea," she answers and off they go.
On the next table,
Sam has heard this and says to himself, "I've got to see this - two elderly
people making love against a fence." So he follows them.
Issy and Sadie walk
along together, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.
When they get to the fence, Sadie turns around and as she hangs onto the
fence, Issy moves in.
Suddenly they erupt
into action. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This
goes on for ages with Sadie yelling, "Ohhhh God," and Issy hanging on to
her for dear life. Finally, they both collapse onto the ground.
When they recover,
Issy and Sadie struggle to their feet. Sam, still watching, thinks, "That
was truly amazing, I must ask them what their secret is."
As Issy and Sadie
make their way back past him, Sam says, "That was something else, you must
have been making love for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You
must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"
"No, there's no
secret" Issy replies, "Fifty years ago that fence wasn't electrified."