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PART 1 – THE JOKES
PART 2 – BITS AND PIECES IN A SPEECH TO DAD
PART 3 – NAUGHTIER JOKES
PART 1 – THE JOKES
Moshe asks his wife Sadie what she'd like for her 70th birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she says. So on her birthday, he gets up early, shakes Sadie awake, kisses her and says, "Happy birthday, Darling. Now please get up, I’m taking you on a surprise birthday outing."
She does as she’s told and off they go. After a 2-hour’s drive, Sadie is surprised when they arrive at the "Kosher Munchkins Theme Park." And what a day she then has. Moshe makes her go on all the popular rides, including
the Kishkas Ache Water Slide
the Broyges Ghost House
the Menorah of Fear
the Meshuggeneh Roundabout
the Werewolf Mishpocheh
the Shikker Swing
the Cold Water Shpritz
the Sore Toches Dodgems
the Smelly Gatkes Tunnel
the Klutzy Mountain Railway
and the Loch in Kop Death Ride
In fact by the end of the afternoon, Moshe has forced Sadie to go on just about everything there is to go on. She staggers out of the theme park with her head going round and round and feeling very dizzy. But Moshe doesn’t seem to notice. He takes her to McDavids where he orders her a Big Minkyburger with fries and a Pepsi. Then, when they finish eating, he takes her to a movie and buys her a giant tub of popcorn and another Pepsi as they go into the cinema.
Finally they get back home. Sadie wobbles through the front door and with Moshe following behind her goes straight upstairs to collapse into bed. Her stomach feels like it has been forced inside out and she has a bad headache. Moshe leans over her and lovingly asks, "Well, darling, what was it like being six again?"
Sadie glares at him through her bloodshot eyes and says, "You shmuck, I meant my dress size."
The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still going to get it wrong.
Bennie wakes up one morning with a smile on his face – because today he is 70 years old. He gets out of bed, looks down at his toes and says, "Hello toes, how are you today? Did you know that you’re now 70? Oh, the times we used to have together. Do you remember when we used to take a walk in the park every Sunday afternoon? Or the weekends we rock-and-rolled on the dance floor with all the young ladies? So, happy birthday toes."
Bennie then looks down at his knees and says, "Hello knees, how are you today? Did you know that you’re now 70? Oh, the times we used to have together. Do you remember when we always used to march in all the parades we could find? Or all the Israeli dancing we used to do with all the beautiful ladies in Roberto’s class? So, happy birthday knees."
Benny then looks down at his crotch and says, "Hello Willie, you little traitor. If you were alive today, you'd be 70 years old."
Hyman is a very rich and successful businessman. As it is coming up to his wife Rivka’s 70th birthday, he decides to buy her a really special birthday present. So he tells his chauffeur to take him to the best art shops in New Bond Street in London. He soon finds what he’s looking for - a beautiful Rembrandt painting and he buys it without a moment’s hesitation.
As soon as Hyman gets back home, he opens his front door and shouts, "Rivka, Rivka, have I got a Rembrandt for you!"
To which Rivka replies, "Efsha it will make a skirt."
It’s coming up to Morris’s 70th birthday and his family doesn’t know what to buy him - he is a man who really has everything. After much discussion, they decide to hire a strip-o-gram. He has a good sense of humour and they think he will enjoy the joke.
On the morning of his birthday, the doorbell rings. Morris opens the door and there stands a beautiful redhead wearing only black gloves and thigh-length boots.
"Happy Birthday Morris," she says. "Do you know why I’m here?"
"No," replies Morris.
"Well, I've come here to give you ‘super sex’," she says provocatively.
Just for a brief moment, Morris looks a bit confused, but then says, "You’ve given me a difficult decision to make - what kind of soup is it?"
Joshua is out shopping in Brent Cross shopping centre when he bumps into his friend Sam outside Pavins the jewellers. Sam has a small gift-wrapped box in his hand. "Hi Sam," says Joshua, "what have you been buying, may I ask?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," replies Sam, "it's my Miriam’s 70th birthday tomorrow and when I asked her what she wanted for her birthday, she said, 'Oh, I’ll leave it up to you, darling, but how about something with lots of diamonds in it.'"
"So tell me already, what did you buy her?" asks Joshua.
"I bought her two packs of Bridge cards," replies Sam.
Monty is in John Lewis department store to buy his wife Leah a 70th birthday present. He looks around the Lingerie department and decides to buy some sheer lingerie for her. So he goes over to a salesgirl to explain what he wants. She shows him many different types ranging in price from £35 to £280. The most sheer item is, of course, the most expensive, but as nothing is too good for his Leah, he chooses the £280 item. He pays for it and the salesgirl gift wraps it nicely for him.
When he gets home, Monty kisses Leah and says, "Happy birthday, darling, this is for you."
Leah opens the package, smiles and says, "Thanks for such a nice surprise."
"I’m glad you like it," says Monty, "why don’t you put it on now and model it for me?"
"OK," she says and goes upstairs with her present. But as soon as she sees the receipt, which Monty had forgotten to remove from the bag, she says to herself, "It’s really such a waste of money. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't need to put it on - Monty won’t notice if I do the modelling naked. Then I can return it tomorrow and keep the £280 refund for better things."
Soon, Leah comes downstairs, naked, and starts to do some poses for Monty. Monty looks carefully at Leah and says, "Oy vay! For £280, you’d have thought they would have ironed it for me."
PS Monty never saw the frying pan as it hit him behind his head. The levoyah is on Thursday.
Avrahom walks into John Lewis department store and goes straight to the perfumery department. He says to an assistant, "Today is my wife Sharon’s 70th birthday and I would like to buy her a nice bottle of French perfume.
The assistant says, "That will be a nice surprise for her."
Avrahom replies, "It sure will – she’s expecting a diamond necklace."
It’s Fay’s 70th birthday and she decides to celebrate it on her own at the Savoy Hotel because they make good drinks there. As soon as she arrives, Fay goes into the bar and orders a whiskey with 2 drops of water.
As the barman gives her the drink, Fay tells him, "I'm 70 years old today, you know."
The barman says, "As it's your birthday, this drink is on me."
"Thank you," says Fay, and she quickly finishes her drink.
Then a woman next to her says, "I’d like to buy you a drink, too."
"Why thanks," says Fay, "barman, a whiskey with 2 drops of water, please."
"Coming right up," says the barman. Fay again knocks back her drink.
Then a man next to her says, "Mazeltov, madam, may I too buy you a drink?"
"Why yes," says Fay, "barman, a whiskey with 2 drops of water please."
As he hands her the drink, the barman says, "Excuse me for asking but why the whiskey with only 2 drops of water? I'm dying to know."
Fay replies, "It’s simple - when you're my age, you know how to hold your liquor, but take it from me, water is something altogether different!"
One year, Louis doesn’t know what to buy his mother-in-law for her 70th birthday, so he buys her a large plot in Bushey cemetery. The following year, Louis buys her nothing for her birthday and his wife is quick to comment loud and long on his thoughtlessness to her mother.
"So, why didn’t you buy her something?" she snaps at him.
"Well, she hasn’t used the gift I gave her last year," he replies.
Issy is a very wealthy man and for his mother’s 70th birthday he goes to a Sotheby’s sale and buys her a very expensive painting. When he gets back home, he can’t wait to phone to tell her what he’s bought for her. "Hi, mum, it’s me, Issy, your number one son, your boychik."
"Oh (pause) is everything all right, bubbeleh?" she asks.
"Yes, mum," replies Issy, "everything is fine. I’m ringing to tell you that for your birthday, I’ve just bought you a Rubens."
"Rubin?" she says, "Do you mean Rubin the accountant?"
"No, mum, Rubens is a great painter," explains Issy, laughing.
"Oh, this I didn't know," she says. "Listen, bubbeleh, ask him how much he'll charge to paint my kitchen."
Moshe is on holiday in Bournemouth to celebrate his 70th birthday. It’s a nice day so he decides to go for a swim. But he has only been out for 5 minutes when a huge wave arrives from nowhere and sweeps him out to sea.
"Oy Vay," cries Moshe, "Help! Help me someone, please. I’m drowning."
Fortunately, a lifeguard hears his cries and swims out to him. He grips Moshe tightly and swims back to the shore with him. As soon as he gets Moshe onto dry land, the lifeguard gives him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. 5 minutes later, Moshe sits up – he is saved.
The lifeguard helps Moshe to his feet and says, "If I were you, sir, I’d take it easy for the rest of the day. Why don’t you go back to your hotel and put your feet up?"
As the lifeguard turns to walk away, Moshe whispers to a lady next to him, "Excuse me, but could you help me please. How much does one tip for a thing like that?"
Morris decides to have a facelift for his 70th birthday. He spends £5,000 at Bushey hospital and feels really good about the result. But would others see how good he looks? So he thought he would put this to the test. On his way home, he stops off at Brent Cross shopping centre. He first of all goes into WHSmith, buys a newspaper and says to the girl behind the cash desk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," comes the reply.
"I'm actually 47," Morris says, feeling really happy.
Then he goes into Fenwicks for lunch and asks the waitress the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29."
"I’m actually 47," replies Morris and this makes him feel really good.
In the car park on the way out, Morris meets two elderly ladies and asks them the same question. One of them winks to the other and replies, "I can’t really tell. I’m 70 years old and my eyesight is not as good as it used to be. But when I was younger, there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If you let me put my hand down your trousers for a few minutes, I will certainly be able to tell your exact age."
As there is no one around, Morris thinks why not and lets her slip her hand down his trousers. Five minutes later, the lady says, "OK, it's done. I now know that you are 47."
Stunned, Morris says to her, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"
She replies, giggling, "We were behind you in the Fenwick’s queue."
Max has been a confirmed atheist ever since he left University. But now that he is approaching his 70th birthday, spiritual issues start to become part of his life and he decides to ‘become’ a Jew again. The next shabbes, Max goes to shul for the first time in nearly 40 years.
He enjoys the occasion and even listens attentively to the Rabbi’s sermon, especially the bit at the end when the Rabbi announces that his sermon next week would be about the great flood.
At the end of the service, Max goes over to the Rabbi and says, "Rabbi, I really enjoyed the service. Unfortunately I won’t be able to attend next week. But please don’t think I will be shirking my duties – I can be as charitable as the next man. So please put me down for £20 for the flood victims."
Faye is on a Caribbean cruise to celebrate her 70th birthday. She is standing with some other passengers at the front of the ship and thinking of the film TITANIC. It’s very windy up front and she has to hold tightly onto her hat to stop it from blowing away.
Daniel is also at the front of the ship and notices something. So he walks over to Faye and says, "Excuse me madam, but did you know the wind is blowing your dress up over your waist?"
"I know this, thank you," replies Faye, "but there’s not much I can do - I need both my hands to hold onto my hat."
"Look, lady," says Daniel, "I’m sorry if this embarrasses you, but you’re not wearing any underwear and your… ahem… private parts are exposed."
Faye looks down for a few seconds, then looks up at Daniel and says, "Thanks for pointing this out, but everything you see down there is 70 years old whereas I only bought this hat last week."
Abe is enjoying his 70th birthday party with family and friends. Even Rabbi Landau is present. Abe is so happy that he decides now is the time to let out his secret and to everybody’s surprise, announces his forthcoming marriage to 40-year-old Hetty.
Everyone comes up to wish them Mazeltov - and to exchange all the old jokes, like: -
"We’ll be looking for a house near a school.”
"I know that lovemaking is dangerous for the elderly but I hope Hetty will survive it."
Later, Rabbi Landau takes Abe aside and says, "Don’t be offended, but I must ask you a few questions. Do you really love Hetty?"
"To tell you the truth, Rabbi, I’m not sure," Abe replies.
"Well, is she a good cook? Is her chicken soup special?" asks Rabbi Landau.
"I’m not sure, I’ve never seen her in the kitchen, Rabbi," Abe replies.
"Is Hetty rich?" asks Rabbi Landau.
"I’m not sure about her finances, we’ve never discussed money," replies Abe.
"So, she must be ….. good in bed. Is that so?" asks Rabbi Landau, timidly.
"I’ve no idea at all Rabbi, how does one tell before marriage?" answers Abe.
"But if you don’t know whether you love her, if you’re not sure whether she’s a good cook, if you don’t know whether she’s rich, and if you’ve never made love to her, why on earth do you want to marry her?" asks Rabbi Landau.
"She can drive at night," replies Abe.
As Morris nears his 70th birthday, he decides to prepare his will and goes to see Patrick, his solicitor. They spend a couple of hours putting together the details. Just before Morris leaves, he says to Patrick, "I have two final requests to make. Firstly, I want to be cremated and secondly, I want my ashes scattered over Brent Cross shopping centre."
"Why Brent Cross?" asks Patrick.
"Because then I'll be sure my wife will visit me twice a week," replies Morris.
Nathan and Hannah are celebrating Nathan’s 70th birthday on a cruise ship. Suddenly, on the evening of the 4th day, whilst they are standing at the back of the ship watching the moon, a storm develops from out of nowhere and a wave comes up and washes Hannah over the side. She can’t swim and although they search for her all day, they can’t find her. At their next port of call, the captain sends Nathan ashore and promises that he will call him should they find something.
Three weeks go by when finally Nathan gets a fax from the captain. It reads: -
FAX from the captain to Nathan:
I’m sorry to have to inform you that when our deep sea divers went looking for your wife, they found her dead at the bottom of the ocean. But there’s some good news. When we hauled her up to the deck, attached to her toches was an oyster and in it was a large pearl which I have had valued at £30,000. Please advise.
Immediately, Nathan sends the following fax back to the captain: -
FAX from Nathan to the captain:
Please send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.
Jeremy asks his wife Naomi what she wants for her 70th birthday. "Would you like a new diamond bracelet?" he asks.
"Not really," says Naomi.
"Well how about a Lexus sports car?" says Jeremy.
"No," she replies.
"What about a holiday home in the south of France?" he suggests.
She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks."
"Well what would you like for your birthday?" Jeremy asks.
"I'd like a divorce, Jeremy," answers Naomi.
"Oy, I wasn't planning to spend that much!" says Jeremy.
Joshua is mega-rich and is always lavishing expensive presents on his wife, Naomi. But today, Joshua is in big trouble. He has forgotten that it’s her 70th birthday. Oy Veh!
Naomi looks him in his eyes and says, in a very serious manner, "Tomorrow, Joshua, there had better be something for me outside our garage that goes from 0 to 200 in next to no time at all, or else....."
Naomi gets up early next morning, opens her front door and finds a small package outside the garage. She opens it and finds, of all things, brand new bathroom scales.
The levoyah is on Sunday and Naomi is sitting shivah for the whole week.
Sadie and Maurice Goldberg were celebrating his 70th birthday with a group of friends at Blooms in Golders Green. But Maurice looked unhappy so his best friend Michael, a solicitor, went over to him.
“What’s the matter, Maurice”, he asked. “Why do you look so sad.”
“Do you remember on my 50th birthday I asked you what would happen if I murdered Sadie?”
“Yes”, answered Michael, “I said you would get 20 years in jail.”
“Well”, said Maurice, “I would have been a free man tonight!”
Bernie and Faye are a very wealthy couple and they have been thinking for some months about how they should celebrate Bernie’s 70th birthday. Then she comes to a decision. "Bernie," she says, "I'm going to book us a wonderful 6 weeks cruise. I know you don't like ships because you got sea sick last time, but trust me, this one will be perfect for us. It’s called ‘Bubbeh of the Seas,’ an intimate seven-star luxury liner with everything kosher we could ever want to eat made available. Let’s give it a go."
Bernie certainly isn't pleased with Faye’s decision, but who is he to argue - he could never win. So he says, "OK dear."
On the day of the cruise, which also happens to be his birthday, Bernie and Faye drive up to the quay in their Bugatti Veyron 16.4. Captain Cohen is on the bridge as they pass by and calls in the purser. "Find out who they are and invite them to dine at my table tonight."
Later, the purser knocks on the door of the Royal State Room. When Faye answers the door, the purser says, "Compliments of Captain Cohen, madam. He would very much like you both to dine with him this evening."
Bernie comes to the door and says, "Who is it Faye, is there a problem?"
"This man says that Captain Cohen wants us to eat with him this evening," replies Faye.
"I told you we shouldn't have come," says Bernie, "seven-star or no seven-star, we have only been on this boat half-an-hour and already we have to eat with the crew on my 70th birthday."
Sadie and Benny celebrated Benny’s 70th birthday with a small party at their house. When all the family and guests had left their house, a fairy appears from nowhere and says to him, "Happy birthday, Benny. I’m here to grant you one wish. What would you like?"
Benny replies, "I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me."
So the fairy picks up her wand and POW – Benny is 95 years old.
Max is in WHSmith looking for a suitable 70th birthday card for his wife Sarah. He’s been there for over 45 minutes, but he’s not having any luck. An assistant notices Max lingering over one card after another and, being a helpful kind of person, goes over to him to see if she can help. "Is there a problem, sir?" she asks.
"Yes, there is," replies Max, "I can't find a birthday card that mine Sarah will believe."
It’s Daniel’s 70th birthday and to celebrate, their son Aaron invites the close family to dinner at his house. During the evening, Aaron gets very emotional every time he hears his father call his mother by such endearing terms as ‘darling’, ‘petal’, ‘sweetheart’ and ‘my lover.’ It’s clear to Aaron that his father is still very much in love with his mother. While his mother is out the room, Aaron goes over to his father, kisses him and quietly says, "Dad, I’m so pleased for you both. I think it's fantastic that even at 70 years of age, you’re still calling mum by those loving pet names."
But Daniel, looking very embarrassed, says, "Things are not always what they seem to be, son. I must tell you the truth - I forgot your mother’s name about 5 years ago."
Sarah and Issy are out celebrating Issy’s 70th birthday. During the evening, Sarah broaches the subject of life insurance (his) – an issue she has been raising with him for at least 10 years, without success.
"Issy," she says, with tears in her eyes, "I don’t think you love me."
"Why do you think that?" he asks.
"Because if you really love me, you would ensure that if anything happened to you, God forbid, I would be properly provided for."
"Sarah," he says angrily, "I need life insurance like I need a hole in the head."
"I know your views," says Sarah, "but I’ve spoken to two of my friends recently and they tell me that their husbands have life insurance - and they’re not as rich as you – or as old. If it’s good enough for them, why isn’t it good enough for you?"
"I’ll tell you why," replies Issy, "it’s because they’ve been paying high premiums month after month and what have they got so far in return? Nothing, gornisht."
"So what if their husbands have been paying for nothing?" says Sarah. "You’ve always told me I’m luckier than my friends – who knows, maybe this time I’ll strike it rich."
Morris and Becky are chatting one evening when Morris says, "Becky, it’s my 70th birthday soon, so tell me, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Becky hesitated for a moment, then said, "Yes, darling, 3 times."
"3 times? How did this happen?" Morris asks her.
"Well, Morris, You remember you lost your job a year after we got married and we had no money and we thought we might have to sell our house? Do you also remember that I went to see the bank manager to ask for an overdraft? Well, we got our overdraft and that’s when it happened."
"It’s hard to accept," Morris said, "but as you did this for us, I can forgive you."
Becky continued, "And you remember years later when you almost died from your heart problem because we couldn't afford the operation? Remember that immediately after I went to see the surgeon at his house, he did your operation for nothing? Well, that’s when it happened."
"Yes," Morris said, "that shocks me too, but as you did it because you loved me, I forgive you. But tell me, Becky, what was the third time?"
Becky responded, "Do you remember, Morris, when you were trying to get elected as the synagogue Chairman... and you needed just 12 more votes?"
Maurice is approaching his 70th birthday and he and his wife Hetty are taking a slow walk in their local park. Suddenly, Hetty takes her walking stick and hits Maurice hard across his back with it.
"What on earth did you do that for? It really hurts." he shouts at her.
Hetty replies, "That's for 45 years of poor sex."
Maurice thinks for a while and then takes his walking stick and hits Hetty hard across her toches with it.
"Ouch," she screams. "What was that for?"
Maurice looks at her and replies, "That's for knowing the difference."
It is Shlomo’s 70th birthday and after the celebrations are over, he and his wife Rifka go to bed in a pretty romantic mood. Rifka looks long and hard at Shlomo and says, "I remember when you used to kiss me every chance you had."
Shlomo feels a bit obliged, so he leans over and gives her a gentle peck on the cheek. Then Rifka says, "I also remember, Shlomo, when you used to hold my hand at every opportunity."
Again feeling obliged, Shlomo gently places his hand on hers. Then Rifka says, "I also remember, Shlomo, when you used to nibble on my neck and send chills up and down my spine. It was lovely."
This time, with a blank stare on his face, Shlomo gets out of bed and begins to walk out of the bedroom. Rifka asks, "Was it something I said, Shlomo, where are you going?"
Shlomo looks at Rifka and replies, "I'm going to the bathroom to get my teeth!"
PART 2 - BITS
AND PIECES IN A SPEECH TO DAD
My wife told me not
to talk about football, or in-jokes, or sex. She said “just talk about
what a fantastic guy dad is.” So, in conclusion…….
I’m not here to make
fool of dad. He’ll do that himself a little later on.
Perhaps only a few
times in each of our lifetimes do we get a chance to say some nice things
to a man of intelligence, wit and wisdom. Unfortunately, tonight is not
one of those times.
What can you say
about a man who came from humble beginnings and is now quickly rising to
the very top of his profession based solely on intelligence, grit and the
willpower to push on where others might fail? A man who is
beginning to distinguish himself amongst his peers and where none can say
a bad word against him? Well, that’s enough about me. I’m here
to talk about dad.
Dad, a legend in
his own mind. He claims to be a self made man. I think it’s damn nice of
him to take the blame.
I can honestly say
that in all the years I’ve known him, no one has ever questioned dad’s
intelligence. In fact, I’ve never heard anyone even mention it.
When dad left school,
he took an aptitude test. Afterwards, the examiner told him, “You will
have a splendid future working for any Company where a close relative or
friend holds a senior management position.
Dad’s very classy.
When we had an evening of music and drink in his house recently, I asked
whether he had any Rachmaninoff. Gary replied he didn’t have any vodka,
Dad says, “Don’t
call me uncultured. I go to operas, concerts, ballet – all that crap.”
When he left school,
dad wanted to be a stockbroker. Dad’s definition of a stockbroker is someone
who invests your money and keeps on investing your money until there’s
nothing left to invest.
Dad’s currently learning
Japanese using a tape machine playing under his pillow every night. He
can now speak Japanese quite well, but only when he’s sleeping.
Watching dad at work
is sort of like the piano player in a brothel. He’s near the action but
he doesn’t get totally involved.
I went out to dinner
with dad once and he ordered our meals in French. I was most impressed.
But you should have seen the look on the Chinese waiter’s face!
If tonight you haven’t
yet heard a good word about dad, it’s only because we haven’t let him speak
dad’s had a few absolutely brilliant flashes of total silence.
Just wait until dad
gets up here. He’ll have you open mouthed with his stories. You won’t be
able to stop yawning.
Dad, when all is
said and done, you’ve said a whole lot more than you’ve done.
Dad always remembers
the advice his grandfather gave him. “Before you fall in love with a pair
of bright eyes, make sure it isn’t just the sun shining through the back
of her head.”
Dad first met Vicky
in 1987. That was her room number.
When Vicky and dad
decided it was time to get married, Vicky said to dad, “You know, a lot
of men are going to be miserable when I get married.” Dad said, “Really,
how many are you going to marry?”
In his youth, Dad
loved wine, women and song. He can still sing.
Dad is a man who
combines the wisdom of youth with the energy of old age.
Dad didn’t quite
make it as a financial director. He used to look at a balance sheet and
if the total assets and total liabilities were exactly the same, he would
figure everything must be OK.
I don’t care what
dad says about his conquests. On his wedding night he was a virgin. I understand
that when Vicky touched him, he turned his head and coughed.
When dad was once
in Hong Kong, he bought a suit and inside the pocket he found a note written
on the inspector’s tag. The note began, “Dear most honoured customer..”
and asked him to send a photo of himself to a certain address. Dad thought
that was nice, so he did it. A month later, he got a letter from a Hong
Kong tailor that read like this, “Thank you for your photo. I have been
making these cheap looking suits for many years now and I always wondered
what kind of slob would wear one.”
At his last medical,
dad’s doctor said to him, “This is a personal question, but at your time
of life it’s important to know. Do you and Vicky have any trouble with
mutual satisfaction?” Dad replied, “No sale, doctor, we’re staying
with the Prudential.”
There are 3 ways
to handle Dad. Unfortunately, none of us know what they are.
I recently asked
dad what he had done with all the money he had earned. Dad replied, “I
spent quite a bit on women, drink, gambling, and the rest I spent foolishly.”
Dad is a hard boss.
He recently introduced a flexible hours programme for his staff. They can
come in any time they want before 7am and leave whenever they please after
Not many of you know
that dad’s written his memoirs. They were purchased by Waddingtons and
will be released soon as a game.
Here’s another secret
dad didn’t want me to tell you. He will have an entry in WHO’S THROUGH
PART 3 – THE NAUGHTIER JOKES
Jonathan is celebrating his 70th birthday at home with his wife Talia. Throughout their marriage, every time they’ve make love, Jonathan has insisted they do it with the light off. Talia thinks it’s all to do with his not wanting to be seen naked. But today, on his birthday, she decides to try to rid him of his embarrassment - she really believes that she can cure him of his habit. That night, while they’re having a great shtup, Talia suddenly turns on the bedside lamp and sees Jonathan with a vibrator in his hand - a soft penis shaped one, but much larger than the real thing. She is shocked and very, very angry.
"You impotent momzer," she screams at him, "how could you have lied to me all these years? You’d better explain or you won’t see me again."
Jonathan looks at her and calmly says, "OK. I'll explain the vibrator ….you explain our children."
Even though today is Issy’s 70th birthday, he and his wife Yetta still have their inevitable, regular quarrel, only this time, it is more serious than ever before.
Issy shouts, "When you die, Yetta, I'm going to get you a headstone which says, 'Here Lies Yetta - Cold As Ever.'"
"Oh yes?" she replies, "When you die, Issy, I'm going to get you a headstone which says, 'Here Lies Issy - Stiff At Last.'"
Issy is celebrating his 70th birthday with his wife Sadie in a small country pub. Issy leans over and says, "Do you remember, Sadie, the first time we made love together over fourty years ago? We went behind this very pub, where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."
"Oh yes," Sadie replies, "I remember it very well."
"So how about you and I taking a stroll round the back and doing it again for old times sake?" says Issy.
"Oooooooh Issy, that sounds like a good idea," she answers and off they go.
On the next table, Sam has heard this and says to himself, "I've got to see this - two elderly people making love against a fence." So he follows them.
Issy and Sadie walk along together, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. When they get to the fence, Sadie turns around and as she hangs onto the fence, Issy moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into action. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for ages with Sadie yelling, "Ohhhh God," and Issy hanging on to her for dear life. Finally, they both collapse onto the ground.
When they recover, Issy and Sadie struggle to their feet. Sam, still watching, thinks, "That was truly amazing, I must ask them what their secret is."
As Issy and Sadie make their way back past him, Sam says, "That was something else, you must have been making love for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"
"No, there's no secret" Issy replies, "Fifty years ago that fence wasn't electrified."
Just before her 70th birthday, Kitty says to her husband, "You know what Harry? I think I'll go see Dr. Besser and get myself checked over. I haven’t been to see him for ages."
"That’s a good idea, darling," says Harry.
Two days later, Kitty is telling Dr. Besser why she’s come. "I haven’t had a check-up for over 25years and I think it wise to have one now," she tells him.
"I agree," he says. "Get undressed, put on this gown and go sit down on the bed over there. Then I’ll look you over."
As soon as she’s done what he’s asked, Dr. Besser goes over to her, puts his hand under the gown, lifts her right breast and tells her, "Say 99."
"99," says Kitty.
"Nothing wrong there," says Dr. Besser. He then lifts her left breast and again says to her, "Say 99."
"99," says Kitty.
"This one’s fine too," says Dr. Besser. "Now I’ll like to check out your other vitals. Lie down on the bed and put your feet in the stirrups."
Kitty does what the doctor asked. Dr. Besser puts on a rubber glove, rubs on some KY jelly and starts to check out Kitty’s private parts for any problem signs. He once again says to her, "Say 99."
This time Kitty replies, "One, two three, four ........"
Monty has been out celebrating his 70th birthday with his friends. Although Monty is not usually a drinker, he comes home quite late and quite drunk. Somehow he manages to get undressed, slides into bed beside his sleeping wife Sarah and quickly falls into a deep sleep.
Sometime later he awakes and there before him is the Pearly Gates. An angel walks over to him and says, "I’m sorry to have to tell you this, Monty, but you died last night in your sleep."
"I'm dead?" says Monty, stunned. "It can't be. I've got too much to live for. Please send me back."
"I'm sorry, Monty," says the angel, "but there's only one way you can go back."
"And what way is that?" asks Monty.
"As a chicken," replies the angel.
Monty is devastated, but begs the angel to at least send him back to a farm near his house. The next thing he knows, he’s covered in feathers, clucking loudly, and pecking at the ground. Then a rooster struts over and says, "So you're the new hen? How are you getting on?"
"Not too bad," replies Monty the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside my stomach. It feels like I'm going to explode."
"Don’t worry," says the rooster, "you’re only feeling like that because you're ovulating. Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"
"Never, ever," replies Monty.
"Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster.
Monty does as he is told and after a few uncomfortable seconds, out pops an egg. Monty is immediately overcome with emotion as he experiences motherhood for the first time. He soon lays another egg and his joy is overwhelming. As he is about to lay his third egg, Monty feels a smack on the back of his head. Then he hears his wife Sarah shouting at him, "Monty, wake up, wake up, you're pooping in the bed again!"
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