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Moshe goes to see his Rabbi. “Rabbi, last week I missed saying grace after meals.”
“Why,” asked the Rabbi.
“Because I forgot to wash my hands before the meal.”
“That’s twice you’ve broken the law but you still haven’t told me why.”
“The food wasn’t kosher.”
“You ate non-kosher food?” asked the Rabbi.
“It wasn’t a Jewish restaurant.”
“That makes it even worse,” said the now angry Rabbi. “Couldn’t you have eaten in a kosher one?”
“What, on Yom Kippur?”
Q: How can you tell the gefilte fish from all the other fish in the sea?
A: It’s the one swimming around with the little carrot on its back.
Q: What favourite nine-letter word is regularly
used by Jewish grandmas when they have their grandchildren round for tea?
Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
A: If they flew over the bay, they'd be "bagels"
Q: What do you call the steaks ordered
by ten Jewish men?
A: Fillet minyan.
Q: What kind of cheese melts on a piece
of matza to make a passover pizza?
Q: What did the waiter ask the group of
A: "Is anything OK?"
Q: How do Jewish wives prepare their children
A: They put them in the car.
Q: How do you prevent your bagels being
A: Put lox on them.
Sophia and Hannah are discussing the best ways to make their young sons finish their meals. Sophia says, "As an Italian mother, I put on a fierce look and say to Primo, ‘if you don’t finish your meal, I’m going to kill you.’ It works most of the time."
"Well, as a Jewish mother, I look mine Isaac in his eyes and say, ‘if you don’t eat the meal I’ve slaved over all day, I’m going to kill myself.’ It works every time."
Moishe goes into a restaurant and orders potato latke. When they arrive at his table, he does not like the look of them and changes his order to blintzes. Later, when he had finished, he gets up to leave.
"Wait a second," said the manager, "You haven't paid for your blintzes."
"What are you talking about?" Moishe replies. "Those blintzes were only an exchange. I gave you the potato latkes for them."
"Yes, but you didn't pay for them either."
"Why should I pay for the potato latke? I didn't eat them."
My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
Sadie was making some pancakes as a treat for her two young sons, Simon and Nicky. But the boys began to argue as to who should get the first pancake she made.
"Shame on you boys," said Sadie. "If the wise King Solomon were here today, he would say, ‘let my brother have the first pancake’."
Nicky looked at Simon and said, "OK, Simon, you be King Solomon today."
Little Yossi and his family were having dinner at his bubbe's house. When everyone was seated, the food was served. As soon as little Yossi got his plate, he started eating from it right away.
"Yossi, please wait until we say our prayer," said his father.
"I don't have to," Yossi replied.
"Of course you have to," said his mother. "Don’t we always say a prayer before eating at our house?"
"Yes, but that's our house," Yossi explained. "This is bubbe's house and she knows how to cook."
It was lunchtime at the Jewish nursery school and all the children were lined up by the teachers. Then, as usual, they were led into the canteen. Little Moshe quickly noticed that at one end of the dining table was a large pile of apples with the message, "Take ONLY ONE apple each, God is watching." At the other end he noticed was a large pile of kosher chocolate chip cookies.
Moshe then whispered to his friend Sarah, "We can take all the cookies we want. God is watching the apples."
One night, Moshe and Sadie, both in their eighties, go to Blooms Restaurant. Moshe orders just one plate of salt beef, latkes and new green cucumbers. Then, when it arrives, he tucks into his favourite food. Sadie just sits there watching him enjoy himself.
Shlomo, sitting at a table nearby, notices that Sadie hasn’t got a meal. He then gets quite upset when, with plenty of food still left on his plate, Moshe puts down his knife and fork, removes his napkin and puts it on the table.
“How mean,” thought Shlomo, “the elderly lady is just sitting there without any food. Maybe they can’t afford two meals?”
So Shlomo goes over to Sadie and says, “I hope you won’t be offended but I see you don’t have anything to eat. Could I please treat you to a meal? It would really make me happy if you said yes.”
Sadie replies, “That’s very kind of you but there is no need to worry about me. My husband Moshe and I share everything 50/50 and now that he’s eaten his half, it will soon be my turn.”
“So what are you waiting for?” asks Shlomo.
Eternal Jewish Foody Truths of Your Grandmother’s Talmud
Abbe Cohen goes to a restaurant every day for lunch. He always orders the soup du jour. One day the manager asks him how he liked his meal. Abbe replies (with Yiddish accent) "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread."
The next day, the manager tells the waitress to give him four slices of bread. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asks. "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread".
Next day the manager tells the waitress to give him eight slices of bread. "How was your meal today, sir?" the manager asks. "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread".
The manager is now obsessed with seeing Abbe say that he enjoyed his meal, so he goes to the bakery and orders a 6ft long French loaf. When Abbe comes in as usual the next day, the waitress and the manager cut the loaf in half, butter the entire length of each half and lay it out along the counter, right next to his bowl of soup. Abbe sits down, and devours both his bowl of soup and both halves of the 6ft loaf of bread. The manager now thinks he will get the answer he is looking for. When Abbe comes up to pay for his meal, the manager asks in the usual way: "How was your meal TODAY, sir?"
Abbe replies "It wass goot as usual but I see you are back to giving only 2 slices of bread!"
One Yom Kippur during the break after shacharis and before mincha, Rabbi Menzies sees a very worried looking Morry Schwartz walking towards him. His face is white and his eyes are bloodshot. He stands in front of the Rabbi, sweating and out of breath.
"Please Rabbi," he says, "I must have a drink of water. I'm so thirsty and dry. I can’t stand it any more."
Rabbi Menzies is astonished and replies, "Don't you realise what you are asking? Today is Yom Kippur, when we fast and beg for forgiveness, and you come to me and tell me that want to drink and break your fast? Be strong and do not give in!"
Morry is in tears, "Please Rabbi, just a small drink. I can't take it anymore!"
But Rabbi Menzies is not an unkind man, and is touched by Morry’s suffering. He thinks for a while and says "Alright." He calls over the shammes, "give Morry a teaspoon of water."
The teaspoon of water is given to Morry who is now crazy with thirst. "Please, please! I've got to have a real drink or I’ll die!" he cries.
Although he doesn’t really want to do it, Rabbi Menzies instructs the shammes to give Morry a full glass of water. Morry drinks the water, puts down the glass, wipes his mouth with his handkerchief, looks the Rabbi in the eye and says, "Thank you Rabbi, I'll never eat a schmaltz herring on Yom Kippur morning ever again!"
Issy’s wife is unwell and so Issy is sitting in a restaurant on his own for a change. He spends a good deal of time looking at the menu and even when the waiter returns to take his order, Issy is still poring over the menu. The waiter clears his throat and asks, "Ahem, excuse me for asking, sir, but is there a problem with the menu?"
"No there isn’t," Issy replies. "It’s just that my wife Betty usually tells me what I am allowed to eat, and she’s not here."
"That's no problem," says the waiter, "the soup of the day is chicken soup with lokshen and to make it real tasty we add giblets and chicken fat. But…. I’m sure your wife would want you to have the tomato juice."
The waiter then continues. "Today’s special is potted flanken nosh-up. This is made with especially fatty meat to which we add potatoes and carrots and leave the whole caboodle in the oven for almost eight hours. We then serve it with home made challah bread for dipping into the gravy. But….. I’m sure your wife would want you to have the boiled chicken wings and rice."
On hearing this, Issy puts down the menu and says, "Nag nag, nag. That's all Betty ever does. I'm tired of her telling me what to do. I'll have the chicken soup and flanken nosh-up."
Gary goes to Jacobs Butchers for some pickled brisket. As Jacob is wrapping his order, Gary says to him, "So, Jacob, you can congratulate me. Mine Suzy has just given birth to a beautiful nine pound baby boy."
Jacob nods his approval in an absent minded kind of way and says, "Nine pounds, eh? With or without bones?"
Harry was walking down Regent Street and stepped into a posh gourmet food shop.
An impressive salesperson in a smart morning coat with tails approached him and politely asked, "Can I help you, Sir?"
"Yes," replied Harry, "I would like to buy a pound of lox."
"No. No," responded the dignified salesperson, "You mean smoked salmon."
"OK, a pound of smoked salmon, then."
"Yes, a dozen blintzes."
"No. No. You mean crepes."
"Okay, a dozen crepes."
"Yes. A pound of chopped liver."
"No. No. You mean pate."
"Okay," said Harry, "A pound of pate then and I'd like you to deliver all of this to my house on Saturday."
"Look," retorted the indignant salesperson, "we don't schlep on Shabbos!"
Medical experts from London have published a paper that concludes that Seder participants should not eat both chopped liver and choroses.
Their research shows that if they do, it can lead to Charoses of the Liver.
Fabritzi, Jacques, and Abe are about to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.
Fabritzi asks for a Pepperoni Pizza which he is served. He is then executed.
Jacques asks for a Filet Mignon which he is served. He too is then promptly executed.
Abe requests a plate of strawberries.
"Yes," replies Abe, "strawberries."
"But they are out of season."
"So, nu, I'll wait . . . ."
Did you hear about the Jewish family who kept such a kosher home that they had two smoke detectors in their kitchen?
Simon is a lovely 5 year old who gives his parents Maurice and Hannah much naches. Their only worry is the fact that he hasn’t spoken a word since he was born. But he appears happy and bright and he always does what he is told, so they live in hope.
One day, at breakfast, Hannah realises that they have run out of corn flakes, so she gives Simon a bowl of grapefruit segments instead. As soon as Simon puts the first spoonful into his mouth, he spits it out and shouts, “Yuck, what rubbish. It’s not nice to start the day with such bitter tasting food.”
“Simon, bubeleh, you spoke,” cries Hannah, “you’ve just said your very first words.”
“Mazeltov, son,” says Maurice.”
Hannah and Maurice dance around the room in joy. When they calm down a bit, Maurice says to Simon, “Why has it taken you so long to speak? You’ve got such a lovely clear voice and you’re already quite articulate.”
“Well,” answers Simon, “until this morning, when you gave me this grapefruit, the food I’ve been getting has always been excellent.”
Benjamin and Morris are sitting in a wonderful Kosher restaurant in Hendon.
They are talking among themselves in Yiddish. A Chinese waiter comes up and in fluent and impeccable Yiddish asks them if everything is okay, can he get them anything, and so forth. Benjamin and Morris are dumbfounded.
"My God, where did he learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both think. After they pay the bill they ask the manager, an old friend of theirs, also fluent in Yiddish, "Where did your waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?"
The owner looks around and leans over to them so no one will hear and says, "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."
Bernie and Faye, a wealthy couple, are coming up to their Ruby wedding anniversary and Faye has been thinking for some months about how they should celebrate. Then she comes to a decision. "Bernie," she says, "I'm going to book us a wonderful 6 weeks cruise. I know you don't like ships because you got sea sick last time, but trust me, this one will be perfect for us. It’s called ‘Bubbeh of the Sea,’ an intimate seven-star luxury liner with everything kosher we could ever want to eat made available. Let’s give it a go."
Bernie certainly isn't pleased with Faye’s decision, but who is he to argue - he could never win. So he says, "OK dear."
On the day of the cruise, Bernie and Faye drive up to the quay in their Bugatti Veyron 16.4. Captain Cohen is on the bridge as they pass by and calls in the purser. "Find out who they are and invite them to dine at my table tonight."
Later, the purser knocks on the door of the Royal State Room. When Faye answers the door, the purser says, "Compliments of Captain Cohen, madam. He would very much like you both to dine with him this evening."
Bernie comes to the door and says, "Who is it Faye, is there a problem?"
"This man says that Captain Cohen wants us to eat with him this evening," replies Faye.
"I told you we shouldn't have come," says Bernie, "seven-star or no seven-star, we have only been on this boat half-an-hour and already we have to eat with the crew."
As 80year old Benny lay dying in his bedroom, he suddenly smells the aroma of freshly cooked chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. They are his favourite. So he gathers his remaining strength, lifts himself from his bed and leaning against the wall, slowly makes his way out of the bedroom. Then, with great effort, he makes his way down the stairs, gripping the rail with both hands. Finally, breathing hard, he leans against the kitchen doorframe and stares in.
"I’m already in heaven," he thinks, as there, spread out in front of him, are hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.
"Am I really in heaven," has asks himself, "or is it an act of devotion from mine darling Rebecca to ensure that I exit from this world a happy man?"
Then with one final effort, Benny propels himself towards the cookies, but ends up on his knees near the table. His aged hand trembles as it makes its way to the cookie nearest the table edge, his mind already beginning to think about the wondrous taste that he will soon experience.
All of a sudden, Rebecca smacks his hand with her wooden spoon.
"Please don't touch them," she says, "they're for the Shiva."
Moishe was travelling back to London on an El Al flight from Tel Aviv and it was time for the main meal to be served.
"Would you like dinner?" an airhostess asked Moishe.
"What are my choices?" he asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
Shlomo walks into ‘Harry Kosher Butchers’, goes over to Harry and says, "So, Harry, I hear that you’re something of a betting man."
"Yes," replies Harry.
"Well," says Shlomo, "You’re a tall man, so I bet you £50 that you can't reach those pieces of meat hanging on those hooks up on that wall."
"I'm not taking your bet," says Harry.
"Why not?" says Shlomo, "I thought you were a betting man."
"I am," says Harry, "but the steaks are too high!"
Issy wanted something extra special and memorable for his son Paul’s Barmitzvah. He spent weeks checking out the swankiest venues and the best caterers in London and then settled on a very plush banqueting hall and an enormously expensive caterer who promised him a great surprise on the night.
“Issy,” said the caterer, “don’t worry. It will be such a special event that everyone who attends will talk about it for years to come.”
“OK, where do I sign?” said Issy.
The night of Paul’s Barmitzvah party arrived. As soon as everyone was seated, the lights dimmed and to a fanfare from Sam Bloom’s Symphony Orchestra, 12 powerful searchlights shone upwards whilst at the same time, an uncannily lifelike model of Paul slowly descended from the ceiling. But this was no ordinary sculpture. It was made entirely out of chopped liver.
From all over the hall could be heard gasps of amazement. Then the toastmaster announced that the sculpture had been created by the great Henry Moore himself. Everyone cheered.
At the end of the affair, Issy met with the caterer to settle the bill.
"This was indeed a very special night for me," Issy said, "but one thing upset me. Did you really have to get that gentile Henry Moore to make the statue? Why didn’t you get a Jew? Couldn’t you have asked, say, Epstein?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," said the caterer, "I did ask Epstein, but he only works in egg and onion."
Shlomo asks his wife, "Where shall we go to celebrate our anniversary, darling?"
Sarah replies, "Somewhere I have never been!"
So Shlomo says, "How about the kitchen, then?"
A man stormed into Moishe's Bakery and confronted Moishe.
"Do you know what happened to me?" he demanded. "I found a fly in the raisin bread I bought from you yesterday."
Moishe gave a palms-up shrug and replied, "Nu, so you'll bring me the fly and I'll give you a raisin."
Isaac was sitting at a table in his favourite restaurant when he called over his waiter.
"Yes?" asked the busy waiter.
"Are you sure you're the waiter I ordered from?" asked Isaac.
"Why do you ask?" replied the waiter.
"Because I was expecting a much older man by now," replied Isaac.
A Martian runs into some turbulence over Earth and makes a rough landing in Golders Green. After he pulls himself out of his space ship and dusts himself off, he sees that one of his wheels is broken. Not far away are some shops, so he starts to walk towards them to see if he can find a replacement.
By good luck, he comes across a store with a sign showing a wheel, and a bunch of wheels in the window. He enters the store, gets the attention of Moishe behind the counter, and says, "Excuse me, I'd like to buy a wheel."
"Wheel?" says Moishe. "We don't have wheels here."
"Then what are those things in the window?"
"Oh, those aren't wheels. They're bagels."
"Gee, they look just like wheels. What do you use them for?"
"We eat them," says Moishe and he hands a bagel to the Martian.
The Martian takes a taste, chews thoughtfully, and lights up. "Hey," he says, "I bet these would go great with cream cheese and lox!"
Did you see the recent story in the Jewish Chronicle about the theft of egg-enriched dough from a north London warehouse? Unfortunately, the theft happened just before Shabbos and it forced many local bakeries to bake their challas with plain, white flour. A leading rabbi was quoted as saying, "I’m appalled by the rise in white challa crimes."
Rachel had not seen her Israeli relatives for years, so she was very excited when her Aunt Leah and Uncle Yitzhak came to visit her in London. To celebrate their visit, Rachel took them to an old-fashioned Kosher restaurant in Hendon.
"I'll have the kreplach," Rachel told the waiter.
"The kreplach is from last night," explained the waiter. "Better you should order something made fresh today. How about stuffed peppers?"
"OK, let it be stuffed peppers."
The waiter turns to Aunt Leah.
"Bring please the pot roast."
"Look, lady, the pot roast is strictly for goyim. If you want something special, try the flanken."
"All right then, so bring the flanken."
Uncle Yitzhak studied the menu carefully then said to the waiter, "I can't make up my mind. What do you suggest?"
"Suggest!" cried the waiter. "On a busy night like this who has time for suggestions?"
Mordechai and his wife Ruth go to Peeler’s Kosher Restaurant in Manchester and order steak and chips. They are served with fantastically tasty, giant sirloin steaks which they think are the best they’ve had for years. They are so excited about their meal that they tell their friends Abe and Rifka about it. Abe doesn’t believe any meal could be that good, so all four decide to go to Peeler’s next weekend to check it out. When they get there, they all order sirloin steak and chips. However, much to their disappointment, the waiter brings them very small steaks. Mordechai asks to see the manager.
"I’m very upset with our meals," he says to the manager. "My wife and I were in this restaurant only last week and you served us big juicy steaks. Today, however, just when I've bought my best friends with us, you serve us such small ones."
"Yes, sir, I know," replies the manager. "But last week you were sitting by the window."
Sadie was taking her seven year old daughter Sarah and her friend Rifka to Hebrew classes one Sunday morning and was embarrassed to hear this conversation between them.
Sarah said to Rifka, "Our family is kosher"
Rifka asked, "What's kosher?"
Sarah replied, "That's when you can't have cheese with your ham sandwich!!"
One evening, Moshe and his partner Abe were having dinner together to celebrate a recent business deal. They were having a great time when suddenly Moshe began to find it hard to breathe.
He said, "Abe, help me, I tink I hev svallowed a bone."
"Are you choking, Moshe?" said Abe.
"No, dem it - I’m being serious."
Aharon asks his friend Monty, "Tell me, Monty, you’re a clever guy. This has been puzzling me for years. Why do we call noodles ‘noodles’?"
"Well," says Monty, "it’s simple, really. They’re soft like noodles, aren’t they? They’re also long like noodles, aren’t they? And they certainly taste like noodles, don’t they? So why shouldn’t we call them noodles?"
“How much are the bagels?”
“40p for two.”
“How much for one?”
“Then I’ll take the other one.”
Issy is on another of his weight reduction diets and goes to see his doctor with a hamishe cucumber up his nose, a bagel shoved in his right ear and a wine glass sticking out of his left ear.
Issy says, "Doctor, I'm not feeling very well."
The doctor replied, "It’s no wonder - you're not eating right."
JOKES FOR CHILDREN
Little Leah asks her dad, “Do you know what happened when the lion ate the comedian?”
“No, I don’t, darling.”
“He felt funny.”
One morning, little Avrahom is eating his cheese and tomato sandwich when his mother says to him, “Do you know what cheese is made backwards?”
Little Naomi goes to her kosher butchers and asks, “Mummy wants to know how much is the duck?”
The butcher replies, “£12.”
“OK,” says Naomi, “Could you please send us the bill.”
”I'm sorry,” says the butcher, “but you'll have to take the whole bird.”
It was Friday night and little Sam was having his Shabbos meal with his parents. They were, as usual, going to eat roast chicken.
When it arrived, Sam’s daddy smiled and said, “Sam, do you know why this roast chicken is like an armchair?”
“Because they're both full of stuffing, that’s why,” said his daddy.
Mummy and daddy had taken little Benjy to Blooms kosher restaurant.
During their first course, Benjy says, “This soup tastes funny, daddy.”
His daddy replies, “So why aren’t you laughing?”
Little Sidney was watching his mummy prepare the fish for dinner.
She asks him, “Do you know what part of a fish weighs the most, darling?”
”No,” he replies.
“It’s the scales.”
Q: Why didn’t the vienna appear on stage?
A: Because the role wasn’t good enough
Shlomo the tomato was out walking one day with his wife and young son Benjy the tomato. Unfortunately, Benjy the tomato was not walking fast enough and he kept falling behind his parents. So Shlomo the tomato turned round and shouted at Benjy, “You meshuggener, ketch-up.”
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