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(#1138) The 3 sons
Issy leaves school and decides to open a small grocery store in Hendon. He’s good to his customers and the store does well. Soon he meets a beautiful girl and within months they are married. A year later a boy arrives. Issy calls Dr Myers, a mohel, who performs the Bris and charges Issy £50.
Over the next 12 months, his business begins to take off and Issy opens a large supermarket in Hampstead. It too does well and they buy a nice house near their business. Then a second boy arrives and once again Issy calls Dr Myers who performs the Bris and who this time charges him £250.
Over the next two years, Issy opens more supermarkets and even moves into the catering business. They move home again, this time to a large 8-bedroom house in Knightsbridge. Then, once again, his wife presents him with a son and once again Issy requests the services of Dr Myers who performs the Bris. This time, Dr Myers charges Issy £1,000.
As Issy hands over the cheque, he says to Dr Myers, "Over the time we’ve been using you, your charges have increased by far more than inflation. Why should this be so? Is it because I’m wealthy?"
Dr Myers replies, "No, absolutely not. My £50 charge was for a Bris, my £250 charge was for a ritual circumcision and my £1,000 charge was for an extra special shmuckelotomy."
(#1145) A cut above the rest
Emanuel the mohel comes home early in a nervous state. His hands are shaking violently. He has just performed a circumcision on an elderly man and although it went well he is worried that one day it just might happen that things could really go wrong. He now thinks he should take out some professional insurance and calls Monty, who is an insurance broker.
"Monty," says Emanuel, "I need some malpractice cover designed for mohels."
"This I've never heard before," says Monty, "but give me a day to investigate."
Next day, Monty calls back, "Do you want the good news or the bad news?"
"So give me the good news first," says Emanuel.
"No regular insurance company will offer you such insurance. But Lloyds of London will insure you for up to £1M at a premium of £500 per year."
"Nu, and the bad news?" asks Emanuel.
"There's a two inch deductible."
(#1108) Two Jewish Country & Western Songs
Did you hear about the famous mohel Rabbi Bloom who ran his own PR Company? He saved his own clippings.
Q: What is the proper blessing to recite before logging on to the Internet?
A: "Modem anachnu loch..."
Q: If a doctor carries a black leather
bag and a plumber carries a box of tools, what does a mohel carry?
A: A bris kit.
Q: Why did the mohel retire?
A: He just couldn't cut it anymore
Q: What's the difference between a Bris
and a Get*?
A: With a Get, you're rid of the whole schmuck. (A "Get" is a divorce)
Q: Why do Jewish women always go for men
who are circumcised?
A: Because they find it hard to refuse anything with 10% off.
(#8) Morris, the Samurai.
There once was a powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai. So he put up posters throughout the land saying he was searching for a new chief Samurai. But after 2 months, only 3 Samurai applied for the job, a Japanese, a Chinese, and Morris. So he interviewed all three.
The emperor first asked the Japanese to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. The Japanese opened a little silver box and out flew a little fly. Whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead in two pieces. The emperor was impressed.
The emperor then asked the Chinese to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. The Chinese opened a small pearl box and out flew a smaller fly. Whoosh, whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead in four pieces. The emperor was very impressed.
Then the emperor asked Morris to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. Morris opened a small gold box and out flew a wasp. Whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whooooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh went Morris's sword, but the wasp was still alive and buzzing around the emperor.
The emperor was very disappointed and asked Morris, "After all your sword play, why is the wasp not dead?"
Morris replied, "A circumcision is never intended to kill."
(#1489) Jewish definition
Bris: An event where you should never sit in the front row
(#1291) The bris
The bris is over. Baby Sam has been circumcised and the rabbi, family and friends have all left the house. Moshe and Sadie are quietly sitting in their lounge when their 4 year old son Benny comes crying into the room. Sadie asks him what is wrong.
Benny sobs, "In his speech, Rabbi Bloom said he wants us brought up in a Jewish home - and I want to stay with you guys!"
(#896) You know your mother is Jewish
She cries at your bris - because you’re not engaged already.
(#678) Length matters
Abe is an old Jewish guy who sells cloth. He lives next door to Smith, the biggest anti-Semite in town.
One day Smith calls on Abe and says, "Hey Jew!!!... I need a piece of orange cloth. Its length must be from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and I want it delivered tomorrow."
Abe says, "OK."
The next morning Smith is awakened at 7am by the sound of running engines. He runs outside to see a row of lorries lined up one after the other dumping loads and loads of orange cloth in his front garden. Soon his garden is 5 ft deep in orange cloth. Abe then presents Smith with a bill for £15,000
Smith starts yelling and screaming at Abe. "What is this, Jew? This is not what I asked for. I told you I needed a piece of cloth from the end of your nose to the tip of your penis. Look at this place. What do you have to say for yourself?"
With a straight face, Abe replies, "I'm very careful when I deal with people like you. That's why I’ve got a few witnesses here with me. I may be off by a few miles, so I gave you a 5% discount; but...the tip of my penis was left in Poland after my circumcision."
(#937) Kosher PC
My Rabbi came over yesterday and we had a Bris for my computer - he cut a little piece off the tail of my mouse.
(#408) The visit
A Tax Official has come to a rural synagogue for an inspection. Rabbi Gold is accompanying him.
"So rabbi, tell me, please, after you have distributed all your unleavened bread, what do you do with the crumbs?"
"Why, we gather them carefully and send them to the city and then they make bread of them again and send it to us."
"Ah. So what about candles after they are burnt? What do you do with the ends?"
"We send them to the city as well, and they make new candles from them and send them to us."
"And what about circumcision? What do you do with those leftover pieces?"
The rabbi, wearily, replies, "We send them to the city as well."
"To the city? And when you do this, what do they send to you?"
"Today they have sent you to us."
(#1496) A doctor’s solution
Ruth's baby boy is born with only one eyelid. "Oy veh! What am I going to do?" she says to her doctor.
"Don't worry," he replies, "after the bris, we will take the little bit of skin from down there and make him a nice new eyelid."
"But if you do that," says Ruth, "won’t it will make him cockeyed?"
"On the contrary," says the doctor, "it will give him good foresight."
(#649) The fishermen
Issy had read that fishing was a therapeutic pastime. So he buys the necessary equipment and goes to his local lake. But as it's his first time, he has no idea what bait to use. He looks around and sees 3 men casting their lines. Almost immediately, they began to catch an awful lot of fish. So Issy goes up to them.
"Excuse me," he asks the first man, "What bait are you using?"
"Well, I'm a doctor and I use tonsils," he replies. "You really can't beat them – the fish here love tonsils."
Well Issy hasn’t bought any tonsils with him, so he goes to the second fisherman.
"Excuse me," he asks, "What bait are you using?"
"I'm also a doctor and I have a great deal of success using bits of appendix."
Issy then turns to the third fisherman and can’t help but notice that he too is very successful at catching fish.
"Let me guess," Issy says to him. "You're also a doctor."
"Actually I’m not," came the reply. "I'm a mohel."
(#132) The Jewish Olympics
If you read through the list of the events taking place at the next Maccabiah Games, you will notice that the Maccabiah Committee has made some changes. One of the less-publicised events of particular interest to the world's Jewish communities is: -
Mohel Marathon: Each certified mohel must run a marathon and perform a bris at each kilometer mark. This is the only event that allows alcohol - for the babies of course.
(#1356) You’re a …Jewish boy?
Naomi is in love with Peter and takes him home to meet her parents, Moshe and Hetty. "Dad," she says, "I’d like you to meet Peter. We’re in love and we would like to get married."
It soon became obvious to Moshe that Peter wasn’t Jewish. "Now look Peter," says Moshe, "you seem a great person and I can see why my Naomi has fallen for you. But you must understand that we only want Naomi to marry a Jewish boy. Please don’t take it personally - it’s what my wife and I want."
"I fully understand sir," says Peter. "Naomi and I realised this would be the situation and so I’ve told her I’m willing to convert to Judaism. If I did this, would you then give us your blessing?"
Moshe thinks for a while, then replies, "Yes, I would."
Over the following 12 months, Peter gets circumcised (ouch), joins Moshe’s synagogue, goes to Hebrew classes, attends shabbes services and finally takes a 6 week trip to Israel. But when he returns to make arrangements for the wedding, he learns that Naomi has fallen out of love with him. She doesn’t now want to marry him. Peter is devastated and goes to Moshe to see whether he can help.
"Moshe," he says, "I agreed to convert and become a real Jew – and I have. I’ve been circumcised, I’ve regularly attended shabbes services and I can speak Hebrew as well as anyone. I know all the Jewish customs and I can tell wonderful Jewish jokes. I’m a mensh, but Naomi doesn’t want me. What on earth can I do?"
"Marry a shiksa like all the other Jewish boys," replies Moshe.
(#448) The operation
Morris was a very uneducated man, but by ruthless means became very rich. The older Morris got, the richer he got, the richer he got, the more women he had, the more women he had, the less use he was to them.
One day, Morris went to the top surgeon in the business and said, “I want to be castrated.”
“You want to be WHAT?”
“I said castrated, my sexual powers are failing. I insist you operate at once.”
The surgeon was a bit dubious, but in view of this last statement, and for a fee of £2,000, he carried out the operation.
Some weeks later, Morris was drinking in his local pub, listening to the conversation at the next table.
“I say, Barney,” said one of the group, do you think there’s any truth to the rumour that if a man gets himself circumcised, it improves his sexual performance?”
Morris quickly left the pub muttering to himself “Circumcised, that was the word I’ve been trying to think of.”
(#578) A Trip to the Old Country
Benjamin, a young Talmud student who had left Israel for London some years earlier, returns to visit his family.
"But Benjamin, where is your beard?" asks his mother upon seeing him.
"Mother," he replies, "In London, nobody wears a beard."
"But at least you keep the Sabbath?" his mother asks.
"Mother, business is business. In London, everybody works on the Sabbath."
"But kosher food you still eat?" asks his mother.
"Mother, in London, it is very difficult to keep kosher."
Then silence, whilst his elderly mother gives thought to what she has just heard. Then she leans over and whispers in his ear, "Benjamin, tell me, are you still circumcised?"
(#284) A quickie
It won’t be long now”, said the rabbi as he circumcised the little boy.
(Non#32) He did what he was told
Little Tommy is squirming around at his desk, scratching his crotch and paying little attention to the English lesson going on in the classroom. When his teacher Mary goes over to find out what’s going on, Tommy is quite embarrassed. He whispers to Mary that he’s recently been circumcised and he’s gotten very itchy. So Mary tells him to use the phone in the corridor to ask his mother what he should do about his itch. Tommy does as he’s told and 5 minutes later returns to his desk.
Within minutes, there’s a commotion around his desk and when Mary goes to investigate, she finds Tommy sitting there with his penis hanging out his trousers.
"I thought I told you to call your Mother," she says to him.
"I did teacher," he replies. "She told me that if I could stick it out till lunch time, she'd come and pick me up from school."
(#1348) New knowledge
Five years old Benny comes home from Hebrew school one day and says to his parents, "I learned something interesting at school today."
"That’s nice, Benny," says his father, "What did you learn today?"
Benny thinks for a moment, then replies, "Daddy, have all the men in our family had their willies criticised?"
His mother laughs out loud. "Oh Benny, darling, the word is circumcised, not criticised, but either way the answer is still ‘YES’."
SOME NAUGHTIER JOKES
(XXX#46) The retirement
A mohel retires after 40 years of service and decides he needs something to remind him of his long career, but what? It soon becomes clear to him what it must be.
So next day, he goes to a leather factory and takes with him all the skin he has saved over the 40 years. He says to the foreman, "I vant you should make me a memento of my years as a mohel."
The foreman assures him that something can be done and that he should come back next week to pick it up.
When the mohel returns, the foreman presents him with --- a wallet. The mohel is shocked and incensed. "I vork for 40 years and all you can make for me is a vallet?"
The foreman replies, "But it is a special kind of wallet. When you rub it, it becomes a suitcase!"
(XXX#18) The broken
David’s watch was not working. He remembered passing a little shop with clocks and watches in the window, so he took the watch in for repair.
"Can I help you?" asked the man behind the counter.
"I want this watch repaired," said David.
"I'm sorry. I don't repair watches."
"Well, how much for a new one then?" asked David.
"I don't sell watches."
"You don't sell watches?"
"No, I don't sell watches."
"Clocks, you sell clocks then? How much for a clock?"
"I don't sell clocks."
David was getting exasperated. "You don't sell watches, you don't sell clocks?"
"No, I’m a mohel," replied the man.
"Then why do you have all those clocks and watches in the window?"
"If you were a mohel, tell me, what would you put in your window?"
(XXX#22) The conversation
Two gentlemen are using the facilities at Grand Central Station in New York.
One gentleman says to the other, "Are you from Borough Park?"
The other gentleman exclaims, "Yeah, how did you know that?"
The first gentleman says, "Do you belong to Temple Beth El?"
The second gentleman exclaims, "Yeah, how did you know that?"
The first gentleman says, "Is Rabbi Yablonobovitz, the mohel, still there?"
The second gentleman exclaims "Yeah, how did you know that?"
The first gentleman answers, "Because he always cuts on a slant, and you're peeing on my shoe!"
When Lionel was born, his parents decided not to have him circumcised, despite objections from their rabbi. So Lionel spends the first 18 years of his life avoiding talking about his lack of Jewishness. Then one day he decides to solve the problem – he books himself into hospital to be circumcised.
The day following his operation, Bernie, one of his friends, stops by to see how Lionel is doing. While he’s sitting with Lionel in his private hospital room, Bernie’s amazed at the frequency in which a different nurse enters Lionel’s room. Some come with fresh glasses of water, some with bowls of fruit and some with magazines and books. Some offer to make his bed again, some re-take his temperature and blood pressure, and some offer to give him a relaxing massage.
"You lucky so and so," says Bernie, "what’s with all this attention from the nurses? You look OK to me."
"I feel OK too," replies Lionel, with a large smile on his face, "but when the nurses heard that my circumcision required twenty-five stitches, they immediately formed a little fan club for me."
is bigger in Texas
Tex Cohen lived in - you guessed it, Texas. One day, he bought a round of drinks for everyone in the pub because his wife Honeysuckle had just given birth to "a typical Texas baby boy weighing 20 pounds."
Everyone in the pub congratulated him and many told him that they found it hard to believe that his baby weighed in so heavy.
But Tex assured them, "It’s true, it’s really true."
When Tex came back to the same pub three weeks later, the barman said to him, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 20 pounds at birth aren’t you? So tell us, how much does your baby weigh now?"
Tex proudly replied, "Twelve pounds."
The barman could not understand this, so he asked Tex, "Why? Is he ill? What happened? He weighed 20 pounds at birth, why has he lost so much weight?"
Tex took a big swig from his beer, wiped his lips with the back of his hand, leaned into the barman and proudly replied, "Had him circumcised."
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