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Some jokes to choose from (listed in random order)
the way to do it
One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.
The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, but only after almost drowning a couple of times.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength ... and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, but only after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools...and the intelligence... to cross this river." And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.
(#338) The Rabbi
and his friends - 2
A rabbi, a priest, and a minister were talking one day. The priest told of an occasion when he was caught in a snowstorm so terrible that he couldn't see a foot in front of him. He was completely confused, unsure even of which direction he needed to walk. He prayed to God, and miraculously, while the storm continued for miles in every direction, he could clearly see his home 20 feet away.
The minister told a similar story. He had been out on a small boat when a heavy storm struck. There were 20-foot high waves, and the boat was sure to capsize. He prayed to God, and, while the storm continued all around, for several feet in each direction, the sea calmed, and the minister was able to return safely to port.
The rabbi, too, had such a story. One Shabbes morning, on the way home from his Shul, he saw a very thick wad of £20 notes in the gutter. Of course, since it was Shabbat, the rabbi wasn't able to touch the money. So he prayed to God, and everywhere, for miles in every direction, it was still Shabbat, but for 10 feet around him, it was Thursday.
(#339) The Rabbi
and his friends - 3
A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are discussing what they do with donations to their respective religious organizations. The minister says that he draws a circle on the floor, throws the money up in the air, and whatever lands in the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands outside the circle, he keeps.
The priest uses a similar method. He draws the circle, but whatever lands outside the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands inside, he keeps.
The rabbi has a slightly different method of dividing the money. He throws all the money up in the air. Whatever God wants, he keeps...
(#981) The new
Maurice wakes up one morning feeling lousy. "Becky, he shouts, "I’m feeling terrible, I’m sore all over, what should I do?
"So go see Doctor Myers," she replies.
After a thorough examination Doctor Myers says, "I am sorry to have to tell you this Maurice, but I have bad news for you. You’re very ill and in my opinion you don't have very long to live - anything from a few days to 3 months. I suggest you go home and make the necessary arrangements."
Maurice is devastated.
Later that evening, after the crying is over, Maurice tells Becky that as he is a devoted golfer, he would like to be buried with his golf clubs. If there’s a golf course in heaven, he would then have his clubs to play with."
But Becky says, "Maurice, as neither of us knows if there is a golf club up in heaven, I think you should go see Rabbi Levy and ask for his opinion."
Maurice goes to see Rabbi Levy. "Rabbi, is there a golf course in heaven?"
Rabbi Levy says, "I’ll speak to God for you. Come back in a few days time."
Two days later, Maurice returns. "Rabbi, have you any news?”
Rabbi Levy says, "Yes, Maurice, I have spoken to God and I have some good news and some bad news for you. The good news is that God says there is the most wonderful golf course you could imagine in heaven. The sun shines every day, 365 days a year and you can play golf to your heart’s content."
Maurice says, "That's wonderful news, Rabbi, but what's the bad news?"
Rabbi Levy replies, "Tomorrow morning 8 o'clock - you tee off."
(#983) Life of
One day, God created the cow. God said to the cow, "You must go to the field with the farmer, suffer under the sun all day, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. For that, I will give you a life span of 60 years."
The cow replied, "That's a tough life and you want me to endure it for 60 years. Just give me 20 years and I'll give you back the other 40."
And God agreed.
Then God created the dog. God said to the dog, "You must sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For that, I will give you a life span of 20 years."
The dog replied, "That's too long to be barking. Just give me 10 years and I'll give back the other 10."
So God agreed (sigh).
Then God created the monkey. God said to the monkey, "You must entertain people, do monkey tricks and make them laugh. For that, I'll give you a 20 year life span."
The monkey replied, "How boring having to do monkey tricks for 20 years. Dog gave you back 10 years and I would like to do the same, if that’s OK with you?"
And once again God agreed.
Then God created man. God said to man, "I want you to eat, sleep, play, have sex and enjoy. I want you to do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. For that, I'll give you 20 years."
Man replied, "What? Only 20 years? It’s not enough. Why don’t I take my 20 years and the 40 cow gave back and the 10 dog gave back and the 10 monkey gave back. That makes 80. Is that OK?"
"OK," said God, "you've got a deal."
MORAL: That’s why for the first 20 years, man eats, sleeps, plays, has sex, enjoys and does nothing; for the next 40 years, man slaves in the sun to support his family; for the next 10 years, man does monkey tricks to entertain his grandchildren; and for the last 10 years, man sits in front of the house and barks at everybody.
(#1097) The magnificent
God is so disenchanted with all the noisy earthly music he keeps on hearing that he decides to do something about it. He sits down to write a Rosh Hashanah (New Year) symphony. When he finishes, God is very pleased with his effort. It is, he says to himself, ‘a magnificent musical symphony, exactly how real music should sound.’
Now that it’s ready, God wants his symphony performed as quickly as possible, so he assembles the greatest musicians of all time and invites everyone who ever lived to hear his masterpiece. No one could refuse.
The day of the unique concert arrives and God himself decides to conduct his own composition. He stands in front of a music stand made of solid gold, taps his baton for order and then the music begins.
The first movement lasts a whole year, but passes so quickly that no one notices. The second movement is even more beautiful than the first and even though this lasts over 2 years, no one seems to mind.
Now comes the third movement. This is the longest and loveliest of all and midway through is a special solo part - one note struck on a silver triangle. It is the highpoint of the symphony. And guess who has been personally selected by God to strike that note? It’s none other than Moshe. Moshe’s family are so proud – it is such an honour to be chosen.
Moshe stands patiently waiting his cue - he doesn’t want to miss it. Then it comes. All the other instruments are hushed. Moshe swings and ….. Oy Gevalt, he misses. There is no sound at all. The orchestra goes deathly quiet and a groan goes up from the audience of billions.
God taps his baton on the gold music stand for order and says, “OK everyone, lets start again from the top.”
(#1110) Letters to God written by children
(#482) In The
In the Beginning, God created heaven and earth and then he created man.
God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."
Adam said, "Gladly, what do you want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
And Adam said, "What's a valley?"
And God explained it to him.
Then God said, "Then go over the hill."
And Adam said, "What is a hill?"
And God explained that to him.
Then he told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."
And Adam said, "What's a cave?"
And God explained that to him, then said, "In the cave you will find a woman."
And Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him too, and said, "I want you to reproduce."
And Adam said, "How do I do that?"
So God explained it to him.
Off went Adam, down into the valley, over the hill, and into the cave and there he found the woman. In about ten minutes, Adam was out of the cave, over the hill, through the valley and back with God.
God patiently asked, "Yes ... how can I help you, Adam?"
And Adam said, "What's a headache?"
(#255) Who Made
Five year old Emma was sitting on her grandfather David’s lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, Emma would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch David’s wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally Emma spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, darling," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, sweetheart," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, Emma observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"
(#257) And God
On the sixth day, God turned to the Angels and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Israel, it will be a land of mountains full of snow, sparkly lakes, forests full of all kind of trees, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life."
God continued, "I shall make the land rich so to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Israeli, and they shall be known to the most people on earth."
"But Lord, asked the Angels, don't you think you are being too generous to these Israeli's?"
"Not really, God replied, just wait and see the neighbours I am going to give them."
(#182) Can You
Spare A Penny?
A man walked to the top of a hill to talk to God.
The man asked, "God, what's a million years to you?"
And God said "A minute."
Then the man asked: "Well, what's a million pounds to you?"
And God said: "A penny"
Then the man asked: "God.....can I have a penny?"
And God said: "Sure.....in a minute."
(#1879) How it
is; and how we got there
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower, spinach, and green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so that Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. But Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "And as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthy yogurt so that Woman might keep the figure that Man found attractive. But Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." But Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." But Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." But Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. But Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. But Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. But Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger, then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest. God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. Then Satan created HMOs …………………
(#923) The new
And Adam said, "Oh Lord, you do not visit me anymore in the garden. I am lonely here and it’s getting hard for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "OK, I will create you a companion who will be a reflection of my love for you and you will then know that I love you at all times. Regardless of how childish, selfish and unlovable you are, your companion will always accept and love you."
And God created a new animal for Adam and God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Oh Lord, I can’t think of a name for this new animal. All the good names in the animal kingdom have already been assigned."
And God said, "OK, because I created this animal, his name will be a reflection of mine and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a good companion and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
Later, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Oh Lord, Adam now struts around like a peacock and believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught Adam humility."
And the Lord said, "OK, I will create another companion for Adam who will see him as he is. And this companion will remind him of his limitations and he will soon know that he is not worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT. And Cat would not obey Adam. When Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Cat did not care one way or the other.
It was lunchtime at the Jewish nursery school and all the children were lined up by the teachers. Then, as usual, they were led into the canteen. Little Moshe quickly noticed that at one end of the dining table was a large pile of apples with the message, "Take ONLY ONE apple each, God is watching." At the other end he noticed was a large pile of kosher chocolate chip cookies.
Moshe then whispered to his friend Sarah, "We can take all the cookies we want. God is watching the apples."
(#931) The art
Rebecca was a kindergarten teacher. One day, during her art lesson, as she was walking around the class observing the children while they were drawing, she stopped at little Leah’s desk. Leah was working very diligently at her work.
Rebecca said, "What are you drawing, Leah?"
Leah replied, "I'm drawing God, teacher."
Rebecca paused and then said, "But no one knows what God looks like. Leah."
Without looking up from her work, Leah replied, "They will in a minute."
(#378) The facelift
Hette has a heart attack and is taken to hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience, during which she sees God and asks if this is the end for her.
God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.
As soon as she had recovered, Hette figured that since she's got another 30 or 40 years, she might as well stay in the hospital and have the face-lift, liposuction, breast augmentation and tummy tuck that she had always promised herself. So she did and she even changed the colour of her hair!
But tragedy - some weeks later, as Hette is leaving hospital, she is knocked over and killed by a car just as she left the hospital.
When Hette arrives in front of God, she asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?".
God replies, "I didn't recognize you."
(#395) A conversation
God: And remember, Moses, in the laws of keeping Kosher, never cook a calf in its mother's milk. It is cruel.
Moses: “So you are saying we should never eat milk and meat together.”
God: “No, what I'm saying is, never cook a calf in its mother's milk.”
Moses: “Oh Lord, forgive my ignorance! What you are really saying is we should wait six hours after eating meat to eat milk so the two are not in our stomachs.”
God: “No, Moses, listen to me. I am saying, don't cook a calf in its mother's milk!!!”
Moses: “Oh, Lord! Please don't strike me down for my stupidity! What you mean is we should have a separate set of dishes for milk and a separate set for meat and if we make a mistake we have to bury that dish outside....”
God: “Moses, do whatever you want..........”
light and darkness
God is talking to one of his angels. He says, "Do you know what I have just done? I have just created a 24hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth. Isn’t that good?"
The angel says, "Yes, but what will you do now?"
God says, "I think I’ll call it a day."
(#869) Isn’t faith
One sunny Sabbath afternoon in Golders Green, Shlomo and Issy, two old friends, meet for the first time in years. After exchanging the usual amenities, they sit down on a bench to talk.
Shlomo says, "Issy, people are telling me you don’t go to shul any more. Can it be true that you no longer believe in God?"
Issy looks uncomfortable and hurriedly changes the subject.
The next afternoon, they meet on the bench again.
"You must tell me, Issy, " Shlomo says, "Don’t you believe in our God anymore?"
Issy replies, "Here is a straight answer to a straight question. No, I don’t."
Shlomo asks, "Why didn’t you tell me that yesterday?"
Issy, deeply shocked, exclaims, "God forbid - on Shabbes?"
(#468) The question
Yankele was watching his father, a Rabbi, write one of his Shabbes speeches.
"How do you know what to say, Daddy?" Yankele asked.
"Why, son, God tells me", said the Rabbi.
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
(#820) The rescue
Jacob is a very religious man. One day, a nearby river floods its banks and rushes into town, forcing Jacob to climb onto his garage roof. Soon, a man in a boat comes along and tells Jacob to get in.
Jacob says, "That’s very kind of you, but no thanks. God will take care of me."
So, the boat leaves.
The water rises and Jacob has to climb onto the roof of his house. Another man in a boat comes along and tells Jacob to get in.
Jacob replies, "That’s very kind of you but no thanks. God will take care of me."
The boat leaves.
The water rises further and soon Jacob is clinging to his chimney. Then a helicopter arrives and lowers a ladder. The helicopter pilot tells Jacob to climb up the ladder.
Jacob replies, "That’s very kind of you but no thanks. God will take care of me."
The pilot says, "Are you really sure?"
Jacob says, "Yes, I'm sure that God will take care of me."
Finally, the water rises too high and Jacob drowns. He goes up to Heaven and is met by God.
Jacob says to God, "You told me you would take care of me. What happened?"
God replies, "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want me to do?"
One day, a poor woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river when his axe fell into the river. When he began crying, God appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter told him that he had dropped his axe into water.
God went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?", God asked. The woodcutter said "No".
God again went down and came up with a silver axe.
"Is this your axe?" God asked. The woodcutter said "No".
God went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?", God asked. The woodcutter said, "Yes".
God was so pleased with the man's honesty that he gave him all the three axes. The woodcutter went home happy.
Many months later, while the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the river, she fell into the river. When he began crying, God appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"My wife has fallen into the water and I can’t swim."
God went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?", God asked.
"Yes", he said.
God was furious, "YOOOOOU CHEEEEAT!! Now I am going to punish you."
The woodcutter quickly said, "Please forgive me, My Lord. It is a misunderstanding. If I said "No" to Jennifer Lopez, you would have come up with Joan Collins. If I also said "No" to her, you would have finally come up with my wife and I would say "Yes". Then you would give all the three women to me. I am a poor man. I would not be able to look after all three of them, so that's why I had to say "Yes"...
(#426) The line
The end of the world has come. God looks over the millions and millions of people and says to them, "Welcome to Heaven. I want the women to go with St. Peter. Go now and follow him. And you men, I want you to form two lines. The first line, to the left of me, is for men who dominated their women on earth. The second line, to the right of me, is for men who were dominated by their women." OK, now line up.
There was then much movement for some length of time, but eventually the women are gone and there are two lines of men. The line of the men that were dominated by their women is 150 miles long. The line of men that dominated women has only one man.
God is angry and says, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and yet you were all dominated by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!"
He turns to the man and says, "Tell them, my son. How did you manage to be the only one on that line?"
The man says, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
(#375) Isn’t marriage
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
in need of counselling?
At Passover, we read the story of Moses and how God brought 9 plagues onto the Pharaoh and the Egyptians. And we read that because the Pharaoh was stubborn and still wouldn’t let the Jews leave Egypt, God had to unleash Plague number 10, despite his previous warning. This was the death of the first-born of every Egyptian family. Only then, after this greatest of terrors, did the Pharaoh release the Jews from slavery and let them leave Egypt to journey to the Promised Land.
But in the face of such convincing evidence that something really bad would happen, why didn’t the Pharaoh release the Jews after the first nine plagues? It took years of research by leading Israeli scholars studying the Dead Sea Scrolls to find the answer. “The Pharaoh was still in deNile”.
(#665) A visit
to the Rabbi
Even though they were brought up strictly orthodox, Shlomo, 8 and Isaac, 10 were very naughty brothers. When anything went wrong in Golders Green, they were nearly always involved.
One day, a friend visited their parents and mentioned a Rabbi who was having great success with delinquent children. As they were finding it difficult to control their boys, they went to this Rabbi and asked whether he could help.
He said he could and asked to see the younger boy first – but he must be alone. So Shlomo went to see the Rabbi while Isaac was kept at home.
The Rabbi sat Shlomo down across a huge, solid mahogany desk and he sat down on the other side. For 5 minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the Rabbi pointed his finger at Shlomo and asked, "Where is God?" Shlomo said nothing. Again, in a louder tone, the Rabbi pointed at Shlomo and asked, "Where is God?" Again Shlomo said nothing. Then the Rabbi leaned across the desk, put his finger on Shlomo's nose and shouted, "For the third time, Shlomo, where is God?"
Shlomo panicked at this, got up and ran all the way home. He went straight up to Isaac’s room and said, "We are in big trouble, Isaac."
"What do you mean, big trouble, little brother?" said Isaac.
Shlomo replied, "God is missing... and I’m sure they think we did it."
(#1391) Religious Quickies
(#177) God’s Email!
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out.
When the angel returned, he told God that it was indeed bad on Earth. He reported that 95% was bad and 5% was good.
God thought a moment and decided He had better send down a female angel to get both points of view.
When the female angel returned she confirmed that Earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good.
God thought about what He could do about the situation and decided to e-mail the 5% that were good with a little pep-talk, some praise, something to encourage them, something to help keep them going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?....
Oh! YOU didn't get one either.
reasons why God Created Eve
1. God was worried that Adam, being alone, would regularly get lost in the garden of Eden because he refused to ask for directions
2. God knew right from the start that Adam would eventually need someone to find the remote and then hand it to him
3. God knew that Adam didn’t have any idea how to choose the latest style of fig leaf when his old one wore out. He would therefore need someone to choose one for him
4. God knew that Adam would never be able to make an appointment with a doctor, dentist or hairdresser all by himself
5. God knew that Adam was having difficulty in remembering which days he needed to put the recyclable rubbish in the ‘green’ bin
6. God knew that if the world was to be populated, Adam would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing
7. When God finished creating Adam, he stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that."
(#1401) How man
was created – alternative version
After 4 weeks in the Garden of Eden, God comes to visit Eve. "So Eve, how’s everything going?" inquires God.
"It’s all so beautiful," she replies, "the sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful. But I have one problem. It’s these breasts you’ve given me, the middle one pushes the other two out and I’m constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They’re a real pain. Surely God, since many other parts of my body come in pairs, such as my arms and legs, my ears and my eyes, I feel that having only two breasts will make me more symmetrically balanced."
"That’s a fair point," replies God, "but it was my first shot at this, don’t forget. I gave the animals 6 breasts so I figured that you needed only half of those. But I see that you’re right so I’ll fix it up right away." And God reaches down, removes Eve’s middle breast and tosses it into the bushes.
Three weeks pass and God once again visits Eve in the Garden of Eden. "Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?"
"Just fantastic," she replies, "but for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."
God thinks for a moment and says, "You know, Eve, you’re right once again. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create MAN from a part of you. Now let's see, where did I put that useless boob?"
It’s Monday morning and Nathan is in shul praying. "Oh God, please help me. I’m in terrible trouble. My shmatta business is making heavy losses; I owe £100,000 to my main supplier; the Inland Revenue is demanding immediate payment of my last two years of tax; mine Sadie is about to leave me; my …"
Just then, Nathan hears the man next to him praying, "Oh God, please help me. I’m really in trouble. My older son is about to marry a shiksa; my younger son is gay, my unmarried daughter is pregnant; my wife wants a sex-change; my ….."
Nathan takes out his wallet and removes £100. He then turns to the other congregant and says, "Enough already of your tsouris. Here, take this money and go away. I need God to concentrate solely on me."
begins at home
Stephen is in his study working on his computer. He reads the last of the emails sent to him and laughs - it’s a ‘funny’ email which includes an image of a naked Playboy Bunny Girl. Stephen then goes downstairs to read the newspapers. But he forgets to close down the computer.
A few minutes later, his 4 year old son Paul wanders past the study and sees on the computer screen, in full colour, the image of the Bunny Girl. Paul stares at the image for a while and then goes into his room to write a letter to God. This is what he wrote: -
Dear God(#1000) Family help
Please send some nice clothes for that poor lady in Daddy's computer who hasn’t got any
(#79) The phone
call to God
Billy Graham went to see the Pope in Rome. While he was waiting, Billy noticed a red phone. As he was ushered in to talk to the Pope, he asked, "What's the red phone for?"
"That's to talk to God," came the reply.
"Really," Billy gasped, "how much does such a call cost - it's an awful long way?"
"£10,000 a minute, but it's well worth it." answered the Pope.
Some weeks later, Billy Graham went to see the Chief Rabbi in Jerusalem. He noticed that he, too, had a red phone. "I don't suppose," asked Billy, "that this phone is to talk to God?"
"Yes it is." came the reply.
"And how much does that cost?" Billy inquired.
"Twenty pence a minute," shrugged the chief rabbi.
"How come it's so cheap?" Billy asked, "the Pope has a phone like that and it costs £10,000 a minute!"
"Well," grinned the Chief Rabbi, "From here it's just a local call."
(#82) The car
Rabbi Bloom and Father Michael get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are crushed but amazingly neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, Rabbi Bloom sees the priest's collar and says, "Just look at our cars - there's nothing left, but we're unhurt. You're a priest and I'm a rabbi so it must be a sign from God. He must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
Father Michael replies, "I agree with you completely. This truly must be a sign from God."
Rabbi Bloom then says, "Look - here's another miracle. Although my car is wrecked, this bottle of wine didn't break. God must want us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
He hands the bottle to the priest.
Father Michael takes a few big swigs and passes the bottle back to Rabbi Bloom who puts the cork back in and hands it back to the priest.
Father Michael asks, "Aren't you having any wine?"
"No. I think I'll just wait for the police," says Rabbi Bloom.
(#126) The son-in-law
Issy goes to meet his new son-in-law to be, Benjy.
He says to Benjy, "So nu, tell me Benjy my boy, what do you do?"
"I study the Torah," he replies.
"But Benjy, you are going to marry my daughter, how are going to feed and house her?"
"No problem," says Benjy, "I study Torah and it says God will provide."
"But you will have children, how will you educate them?" asks Issy.
"No problem," says Benjy, "I study Torah and it says God will provide."
When Issy returns home, his wife anxiously asks him what Benjy is like.
"Well," says Issy, "he's a lovely boy. I only just met him and he already thinks I'm God."
(#1246) God forbid
The habit of asking God to prevent calamities is a hard one to break. One Jewish businessman, driven to despair by his rival’s devious actions, shouted at him, "You should only drop dead - God forbid."
One day, eight-year-old Melissa says to her mother, "Mummy, I’ve been thinking about us humans and I’m a bit puzzled. How did we humans first appear on Earth?"
"That’s a very good question, darling," her mother replies. "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and then their children had children, and as a result, mankind began."
Later that day, Melissa asks her father the same question. "Daddy, how did we humans first appear on earth?"
"That’s an intelligent question, Melissa," he replies. "Millions of years ago there were monkeys from which, gradually, the human race evolved."
Melissa is confused by this answer and goes back to her mother. "Mummy," she asks, "how come that you told me the human race was created by God, yet daddy said they developed from monkeys?"
"Well darling, replies her mother, smiling, "the answer is simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
(#1050) The fund
Four ladies from their synagogue’s fund raising committee are driving home one Sunday afternoon when they are involved in a terrible car crash. Unfortunately, none of them survive. When they arrive at the Pearly Gates, they are kept waiting to get into Heaven because the angel at the gates can’t find them listed in the book of heavenly new arrivals. "I'm sorry," he says to them, "but I can't find you in the book."
So he has no choice but to send them down to Hell.
A week later, God visits the Pearly Gates and says to the angel, "Where are those nice Jewish ladies who were supposed to be here by now?"
"You mean the fund raisers? I didn't see them listed, so I sent them to Hell," replies the angel.
"You did what?" God says, "I wanted them here. If you don’t want to join them, you’d better call Satan and get them transferred back here right away."
So the angel phones Satan and says, "Satan, you know those Jewish ladies I sent you last week? Well we really need them up here. Could you please send them back?
"Sorry, I can’t oblige," Satan replies, "they've been down here only a week and already they’ve raised £100,000 for an air conditioning system."
it all with you
Issy was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked very hard for his money and wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So Issy begins to pray.
An angel hears his plea and says to him, "I'm sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."
Issy implores the angel to speak to God to see if he might bend the rules. He said he would try. In the meantime, Issy continues to pray.
When the angel reappears, he informs Issy that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, Issy gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed. Soon afterward he dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven.
The angel Gabriel, seeing the suitcase, says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here."
Issy explains that he has permission and suggests he verify his story with God.
Gabriel checks and says, "You're right. You're allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
So Gabriel opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly goods that Issy found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?"
Q: Why did God create man before woman?
A: He didn't want any advice.
(#35) The garden
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.
"Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a Man for you."
"What's a Man, Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be very competitive; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"But, what's the catch, Lord?"
"Well... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first... Just remember, it's our little secret---You know, Woman to Woman."
Adam was bored in the Garden of Eden, so he says to God, “O Lord, I have a problem.”
“So what is your problem Adam?” replies God.
“O Lord, I know that you did create me and gave me all this wonderful food and put me in this beautiful garden, but I'm just not happy.”
“Why is that, Adam?“
“O Lord, even though I know you created this place for me and you gave me all these beautiful animals to be with, I am nevertheless still lonely.“
“OK Adam, I have the perfect solution - I shall create a woman for you.“
“What is a 'woman', O Lord?“
“A ‘woman' will be such an intelligent creature that she will know what you want before you ask for it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will be the equal of anything on earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the ideal companion.“ answers the voice from heaven.“
“This woman sounds great to me, O Lord.“
“She will be, take my word for it, but she comes at a price, Adam.“
“So how much will she cost me, O Lord?“ Adam asks.
“She will cost you your left arm, your right foot, one eye, one ear and your
Adam thinks about this for a good 60 minutes, working out all the pros and cons of having such a woman for company, but especially the cost to him.
Finally Adam says, “O Lord, what kind of woman can I get for just one rib?“
The rest, as they say, is history.
and the Israelites
Nine year old Isaac is asked by his mother what he has learned in Hebrew school.
"Well mum," says Isaac, "our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and everyone walked across safely. Then, he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent men to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Really Isaac," says his mother, "is that really what your teacher taught you?"
"Not really mum," replies Isaac, "but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe me."
(#575) He had
Becky and Myron decided to take their little son from the heat of the city to his first visit to the beach. Dressed in his little sailor suit and hat and pail and shovel in hand, the boy happily played at the water's edge as his mother and father spread their picnic blanket. Then suddenly, to his parents' horror, a huge wave crashed down on the boy and then dragged him far out to sea. As neither of his parents could swim, his mother began to wail and cry, "Dear God, be merciful. Return our son to us!"
Suddenly another huge wave cast the boy back up on the sand at his parents' feet. His mother inspected her son and then quickly looked back towards the heavens and said, "He had a hat!"
(#325) My darling
Sidney Cohen was thinking about how good his wife had been to him, and how fortunate he was to have her.
He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind hearted?"
The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her so good looking?"
"So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her such a good cook?"
"So you could love her, my son."
Sidney thought about this. Then he said, "I don't mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but why did you make her so stupid?"
"So she could love you, my son."
What’s better than God
More evil than the Devil
Poor people have it
Rich people want it
And if you eat it you die?
ANSWER: See end of this section
Little Benjy was in his Hebrew class and was learning all about how God created everything, including humans. He was especially intent when his teacher got to the bit about how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later that day, Benjy’s mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, so she said to him, "Benjy, darling, what’s the matter with you?"
Benjy replied, "I have a pain in my side, mummy. I think I'm going to have a wife."
(#217) The chosen
And Moses said unto the lord, "We are your chosen people and you want us to cut the tips off of our WHAT?"
And the Lord said unto Noah, “Where is the ark which I have commanded thee to build?”
And Noah said unto the Lord, “Verily, I have had three carpenters off ill. The gopher wood supplier hath let me down – yea, even though the gopher wood hath been on order nigh upon 12 months. What can I do, O Lord?”
And the Lord said unto Noah, “I want that ark finished even after 7 days and 7 nights.”
And Noah said, “It will be so.”
And it was not so. And the Lord said unto Noah, “What seemeth to be the trouble this time?”
And Noah said unto the Lord, “Mine sub-contractor hath gone bankrupt. The pitch, which Thou commandest me to put on the outside and on the inside of the ark, hath not arrived. The plumber hath gone on strike. Shem, my son who helpeth me on the ark side of the business, hath formed a rock group with his brothers Ham and Japheth. Lord, I am undone.”
And the Lord grew angry and said, “And what about the animals, the male and the female of every sort that I have ordered to come unto thee to keep their seed alive upon the face of the earth?”
And Noah said, “They have been delivered unto the wrong address but should arrive on Friday.”
And the Lord said, “How about the unicorns, and the fowls of the air by sevens?”
And Noah wrung his hands and wept, saying, “Lord, unicorns are a discontinued line; thou canst not get them for love nor money. And fowls of the air are sold only in half-dozens. Lord, Lord, Thou knowest how it is.”
And the Lord in his wisdom said, “Noah, my son, I know. Why else dost thou think I have caused a flood to descend upon the earth?”
Dear Lord, I pray for: -
Wisdom - to understand a man
Love - to forgive him, and
Patience - for his moods
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death
(#43) Noah’s ark
"Noah," says the Lord, "for the next flood, I want no animals on board, just fish. And not any old fish, but only carp, in glass tanks."
"And this time," says the Lord, "think big, Eight decks at least."
"I got you," says Noah, "what you want is a multi-storey carp ark."
(#1315) The promise
Moshe is driving to Golders Green where he has an important meeting to attend. But when he gets there, he can’t find a place to park. He drives around, he waits, he even tries a bit farther away, but all in vain. So in desperation he looks up at the sky and says, "Oh Lord, if you will find me a parking place in the next five minutes, I promise you I will stop gambling, I’ll eat only kosher food, I’ll stop going with shiksas and I’ll observe shabbes properly."
Almost immediately, he sees a car pulling out of its parking place and quickly takes its place. Again Moshe looks up at heaven and says, "Oh Lord, there’s no need for you to find me a parking place - I've already found one."
(#322) The crime
A Stamford Hill policeman spots two youngsters riding a motorcycle.
They are unmistakably hassidic: yarmulke, payoth, tsittsits, the works.
He is unmistakably a bigot, so he follows them intending to catch them doing some kind of wrong.
After a long ride during which they went onto the North Circular Road and then onto many side roads, he could find nothing wrong with their driving. Frustrated, he stops them anyway.
"I have been following you two for a long time now, watching every move you made and hoping to catch you breaking the law, but you two seem to be perfect. How do you do it?"
They replied "HaShem is with us."
"That's it!" exclaimed the policeman, "Three people on a motorcycle!"
Give me a sense of humour, Lord
Give me the grace to see a joke
To get some humour out of life
And pass it on to other folks
Answer to #262
puzzle is: 'nothing'
and Eve’s choice
After God completed the world, he found he still had two things remaining to give out. He quickly decided to give one to Adam and one to Eve and he’d let each choose which one they wanted. When he told them what he aimed to do, they asked what his give-aways were.
So God explained, "One of the items is a thingy that allows its owner to pee while standing up. It's very useful. The other thing I have is ………"
But Adam was no longer listening. As soon as he heard about the ‘stand-up-peeing’ device, he started jumping up and down like an excited little boy. "I’d love one of those," he said. "To be able to do that would be just brilliant. Please God, let me have it."
God turned to Eve and said, "Nu? So what do you think?"
Eve just smiled and replied, "As Adam desperately wants it, let him have it."
Adam was thrilled to receive it and immediately used it on the flowers. He then ran off to write his name in the sand.
God watched Adam for a few minutes, then turned to Eve and said, "Well, here's the other thing, it’s all yours."
"What's it called?" said Eve.
"A brain," replied God.
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