The speeches of

60th (or similar) BIRTHDAY SPEECH

Note: In this fictitious speech, Harry is giving the speech, Tony is the birthday boy and Betty is his wife

When we were planning for tonight’s celebration, we went down into our local wine merchant’s cellar and found something tucked away in the corner, 60 years old and covered in dust. It was Tony!

In his youth, Tony loved wine, women and song. He can still sing.

Tony is a man who combines the wisdom of youth with the energy of old age.

Tony likes being 60. A young woman referred to him as a sexagenarian and he figures at this stage of his life, that’s the closest he’ll get to flattery.

Tony didn’t quite make it as a financial director. He used to look at a balance sheet and if the total assets and total liabilities were exactly the same, he would figure everything must be OK.

His boss once said to him, “Be objective.” And he replied, “I’m too knowledgeable to be objective.”

I don’t care what Tony says about his conquests. On his wedding night he was a virgin. I understand that when Betty touched him, he turned his head and coughed.

When Tony was once in Hong Kong, he bought a suit and inside the pocket he found a note written on the inspector’s tag. The note began, “Dear most honoured customer..” and asked him to send a photo of himself to a certain address. Tony thought that was nice, so he did it. A month later, he got a letter from a Hong Kong tailor that read like this, “Thank you for your photo. I have been making these cheap looking suits for many years now and I always wondered what kind of slob would wear one.”

At his last company medical, Tony’s doctor said to him, “This is a personal question, Tony, but at your time of life it’s important to know. Do you and Betty have any trouble with mutual satisfaction?”  Tony replied, “No sale, doctor, we’re staying with the Prudential.”

Tony’s a profound thinker. He wonders about things like “Is Darwin’s birthday a religious holiday for Apes.”

There are 3 ways to handle Tony. Unfortunately, none of us know what they are.

Tony first met Betty in 1950. That was her room number.

His boss recently asked Tony what he had done with all the money he had earned. Tony replied, “I spent quite a bit on women, drink, gambling, and the rest I spent foolishly.”

Tony is a hard boss. He recently introduced a flexible hours programme for his staff. They can come in any time they want before 7am and leave whenever they please after 6pm.

Tony once went to language school. This is the bill he received from Berlitz: -
£300 French
£250 German
£900 Scotch

Not many of you know that Tony’s written his memoirs. They were purchased by Waddingtons and will be released soon as a game.

Here’s another secret Tony didn’t want me to tell you. He will have an entry in WHO’S THROUGH 2003

I wish you good health, long life, continued prosperity and eventually, a measure of respectability.


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